Can a 10 week old be away from their mother for a weekend?

[pipko]

I need some advice. I have a 2 and a half month old/ 10 week old daughter and to say she is hard work would be an understatement. My daughters father and I are no longer together, we actually separated during my pregnancy. He is still in my daughters life, however, he lives 3 hours away from where my daughter and I stay. He is in England, I am in Scotland. He has only been able to visit her 4 times in 10 weeks due to work, Covid, accommodation and other circumstances. He makes it clear he wants to be in her life and is desperate for me to allow him to take her to his hometown for a weekend to give me a much needed break. I’ve continued to tell him that she can’t travel 3hrs and be away from me for a weekend as I feel she is too young and god forbid if something was to happen I’m 3 hours away!! However, recently I’ve been really struggling. I’m looking after her on my own. She has extreme acid reflux, a suspected cmpa and probably a good bit of colic as well. She is on Neocate formula and Omeprazole but nothing seems to be working. She is so extremely unsettled and scream cries for hours and hours. It’s inconsolable crying at this point, nothing soothes her. Not to mention she doesn’t sleep so neither do I. I’ve still not managed to get back to any kind of normality, working, trips out the house with her etc.. I am pretty much housebound with her, everyday is like Groundhog Day, I really don’t get a rest. I absolutely know this stage won’t last forever and it will get easier but when you’re in the midst of it, it’s hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel and a helping hand would be nice.
My question is- should I allow her father to have her for the weekend to give me a break? It means she would travel 3 hours / 1 and a half hour by train from me and stay with her father and his family over a weekend. Would that make me a bad mother? It’s not like he just lives round the corner, he is 3hrs away. I feel she only really knows me as she has only been with him 3/4 times in 10 weeks. But at the end of the day he is her father, I know he will look after her, he is willing to help and wants a relationship with her.. so is a 10 week old too young to be away for a weekend without their mother?

The answer to your title is yes - but realistically, not with a man that she doesn’t know, and not when he’s never dealt with her reflux before.

Is there anyone else who could provide some support? Or he can widen his radius of where he’s willing to stay?

This sounds so hard, and you absolutely deserve a break, but he just doesn’t know her enough yet

Do you have a friend you could stay with so he could stay at yours? Then she'd be in familiar surroundings and you'd be nearby if needed. My sympathies though, you're right it's not forever but it's so hard to keep that in sight when you're in the thick of it!

Oh, I’d say it’s fine as he’s her father 😊

It’s really important you get a chance to rest and recover.

Oh @pipko I'm usually the first person to say "absolutely, you need a break, the baby will be fine" but I honestly think that a whole weekend for such a young baby is too much and could be very distressing for your DD.

I've been there, colic/reflux/CMPA is a nightmare to live through and you definitely need a rest and support. It doesn't make you a bad mother for considering it. But this isn't the solution - there must be another way; even if he needs to bring a tent and camp in your garden!

Why doesn't he come to the house and stay there, where all her stuff is, and you go stay with friends or family or cheap hotel for a couple of nights?

The baby will be fine with her father

No way. A court would not mandate this at such a young age. Will be incredibly stressful for the baby.

I had to move back in with my parents so it's really not appropriate for him to stay at the house. My parents both work and are tired at night so I only really get help for a couple hours on the weekend. I have to also respect this is my parents house so I can't just invite him here.
He has had her overnight in hospital a few weeks back and when she was first born he came and stayed at my old house for 2 nights (before I moved back with my parents).
The only way he can really see her now is if I meet him somewhere with her for the day, but that's more work for me and doesn't give me a break. He can't find accommodation for a weekend either until later in the year. So really the only possible way for him to give me a break is for him to take her down south for a couple of days. I also agree it's a lot for a young baby, travelling and not being with me. I'm just in desperate need of a break and some sleep. My ears also need a rest from the crying!!

@pipko

He has tried to find accommodation around where I stay but there is nothing due to it being the summer holidays, not to mention because of Covid everyone is doing staycations. I think the soonest he can book a place for the weekend is around October :(

Could he not sleep on your sofa for a few weekends so he can bond more with her, take over the care whilst you catch up on sleep or even just lunch with friends

@pipko

I also agree. I feel she maybe isn't familiar enough with him.. this situation really sucks! My daughters needs come first, but I do need help and a bit of a rest. Not to mention he needs a relationship with her and it has to start somewhere!! He can't come and stay with me either. It's just not doable.

I personally think that the only way to get a relationship is to spend time with the child and given you also have needs of wishing for a break, that the arrangement seems an obvious no brainer.

You learned on the job how to meet her needs, he will need to do the same.

And I think that longer term eow is unlikely to be difficult if its 3 hours one way, unless it's 3 hours round trip. So maybe instigating a monthly weekend stay now is actually better for your daughter.

Do you have friends near him if you have moved? Could you travel there with the baby and then stay with friends? Not every weekend of course, and wouldn't be suggesting it if you didn't want him to see the baby, but sounds like you could do with the break.

When my first DD was 8 weeks old I had to attend a training course for work for 2 days. DP had her and she was just fine.

I would say a content and settled baby is too young to be away from mum, but each to their own.
An unhappy, unsettled baby 100% should not be away from mum, or made to travel. If you need help, they come to your house. Babies need their mums.

Why can’t you invite him to your parents house? I know they are letting you stay but they sound quite unhelpful. Are you doing all your own cooking and washing?

I think the crux of it here is you're having a really desperately hard time. Sending a big hug.

It's hard and lonely having a newborn with a live in partner, let alone being single and during this hellish covid year.

Be reassured your baby will have a relationship with her father, but honestly I don't think either of mine were that interested until around 6 months , early days are all about mum.

From personal experience, tongue tie can go unspotted, esp if you're bottle feeding, as breast pain not an indicator, the baby can't tell you it's hard to suckle - I would recommend you get this checked out , not just by health visitor / gp as their expertise can be patchy. Lactation consultant is the specialist here - private is not as expensive as you might think . Check here for someone local
lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/

Father visit/ trip aside - what are your resources, who can you ask for help? You can get a rest with support of other friends in a much less complicated way. Can someone come and mind the baby in the house for a couple/few hours while you sleep? If no one you trust consider a post partum doula - their job is to look after new mothers. It'll be short-term, could be a great investment!
Can you afford a cleaner? A few ready meals/ takeaways to take the load off?

After the rest, think again about the visit/ trip. Tell him you're still thinking about it to buy some time.

Things will get better honest! I seriously did not love the early baby days I think were sold such a load of rubbish about how sweet and lovely it is. First time- hellish. Second time much better. Now my youngest is two and hilarious, things are rosy 👍😊

No my Mum does all the washing and buys the food, I really only need to look after my daughter. Apart from doing the odd load of dishes or folding away some clothes when I have time I don't do anything else in the house. I think my parents also struggle coming home from working all day and then hearing constant crying. My Mum does help occasionally but my baby is hard to comfort! :(

Your parents should be supporting you more, surely they would understand if you explained you wanted your ex to stay to give you a break

I think give it a go! No harm in trying x

Is there not a travel lodge he could stay at and see her during the day?

I sympathise with your sleep deprivation. I've been there. It seems like it's severe enough to be seriously affecting your judgement. This plan is a truly terrible idea and will be traumatic for your little daughter if you go ahead. There must be other alternatives. You are tired and need as much rest as possible. The father should be using his energy to find those alternatives.

Sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time OP. Could you go with DD to your ex-partner's? Then you can rest when she's settled and be there for her when she needs you? It will also allow her to start to familiarise herself with your ex-partner and his home while having the reassurance of you being there.

@Springspringhurrah

I think the crux of it here is you're having a really desperately hard time. Sending a big hug.

It's hard and lonely having a newborn with a live in partner, let alone being single and during this hellish covid year.

Be reassured your baby will have a relationship with her father, but honestly I don't think either of mine were that interested until around 6 months , early days are all about mum.

From personal experience, tongue tie can go unspotted, esp if you're bottle feeding, as breast pain not an indicator, the baby can't tell you it's hard to suckle - I would recommend you get this checked out , not just by health visitor / gp as their expertise can be patchy. Lactation consultant is the specialist here - private is not as expensive as you might think . Check here for someone local
lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/

Father visit/ trip aside - what are your resources, who can you ask for help? You can get a rest with support of other friends in a much less complicated way. Can someone come and mind the baby in the house for a couple/few hours while you sleep? If no one you trust consider a post partum doula - their job is to look after new mothers. It'll be short-term, could be a great investment!
Can you afford a cleaner? A few ready meals/ takeaways to take the load off?

After the rest, think again about the visit/ trip. Tell him you're still thinking about it to buy some time.

Things will get better honest! I seriously did not love the early baby days I think were sold such a load of rubbish about how sweet and lovely it is. First time- hellish. Second time much better. Now my youngest is two and hilarious, things are rosy 👍😊

She was tongue tied and we got it fixed early on. Unfortunately she just would not latch. I expressed my milk for the best part of 3 weeks but my supply ran out quickly so formula was the only option. You're right, the newborn stage SUCKS! No one tells you just how hard it is and how sleep deprived you will be. I think having a baby is hard enough but add in the inconsolable crying and it's like a living hell!! I think it's safe to say, with what I've been through, I will never ever ever have another baby. I am seriously considering going private if there is no improvement by 3/4 months. The only reason I don't like asking for help is because of how much work my daughter is. I don't mind asking her Dad because he is the father. But she is a lot of work for anyone else and her crying is sometimes unbearable to listen too. I've had a headache for 10 weeks!!

I agree she is a bit too young.

I wouldn't have issue doing this with a ten week old.. BUT she is tricky, which makes a difference. The solution is for YOU to go to where he is going with the baby for the weekend and check in to a hotel there.

THREE birds with one stone here. Close in case of emergency. Two to share the journey. Your parents get a rest from the crying as well.

How well do you think he would cope if she screamed all night? By the sounds of it this situation is highly likely given the situation with the reflux in combination with the fact that she'll be distressed at you having disappeared.

I read another thread on MN very recently where the father was extremely irritated by his newborn baby crying which is concerning. I think anyone would feel at the end of their tether in this situation but you need to know it would be handled ok.