Feel like i'm grieving. Not bfing

[Lullaby88]

My 9week old was exclusively bf until 8 weeks. He wasn't picking up weight. However to me he seemed content aftrr feeds, was producing wet nappies. He hsd regained his birth weight plus more at 2 weeks but then his weight gain slowed down. I had support from lac consultant she saw how he latched and said it sll looked well. I was feeding 2hrly and he did begin taking an hour for each feed and getting cranky. Altho nappies consistent. At 9 weeks he still hasnt csught up. So i v been told to formula feed but can offer breast at night exclusvly and in the day before each 3hrly bottle feed. I stsrtrd today giving him bottles. I feel so sad doing it like iv lost a part of me. Seeing my husband bottle feed my son is painful. I wanted th bond and closeness and didnt want othrr ppl feedin him. My mum fed him too and i feel i wont hav th feeding bond anymore as anyone csn feed him now. Anyone experienced anything similar? My son seems really content aftrr FF so i know its the right thing to do. But feel rubbish inside. Lac consltnt said she will refrr him for tongue tie but th wait is 6 weeks. If its tongue tie she will help me to excl bf again. I think id struggle doing that tho all over again.

You absolutely can bond with your baby if you bottle feed. You are still the most important person in your baby's life, and that will not change however you feed him. Please try not to be too hard on yourself.

Can you tell me a bit about your sons weight? What did he weigh at birth and how much does he weigh now? You are right than generally speaking nappy output, bright eyes etc are a better indicator that baby is getting enough milk.

If he is tongue tied though it would explain the slow weight gain and long feeds. I would scrape the money together and get it assessed and snipped privately ASAP if I was you. If you can save your breastfeeding relationship and avoid formula it will probably cost you less money in the long run.

Topping up with formula becomes a bit of a trap and tends to result in decreasing milk supply. I wouldn’t be confident that after six weeks it would be that easy to return to EBFing. If you do want to try and mix feed in the meantime look up ‘paced feeding’ so you don’t cause bottle preference. It’s perfectly fine for you to not let your mum etc feed your son. People are so excited to bottle feed a baby but there is no need for it if it is causing you distress.

If breastfeeding really matters for seek the additional help to try and get to the bottom of the problems. IME many healthcare providers don’t really have a lot of breastfeeding knowledge and will recommend formula too quickly.

Google the association of tongue tie practitioners to see if there’s one in your area/one you can travel to. You won’t have to wait 6 weeks. And just because you are using formula as well as BF, that doesn’t mean you have to let other people feed him if it doesn’t feel ok for you yet. Hope this diets out soon for you.

Diets??
Works!

There’s much more to a mother’s bond with her baby than feeding. This is about your expectations versus your reality. It really won’t affect your maternal bonding process.

I've had five kids, love. No4 just would not feed properly or put on weight. I couldn't believe it as I'd breastfed the older siblings no problems so it wasn't my first rodeo.
I put her on the bottle as I knew instinctively that "fed is best" regardless of what midwives etc were telling me.
I felt weird and very sad for a little while, but that baby absolutely thrived from then on.
She's in her 20s now. She calls me every day (sometimes wish she wouldn't 😄!)
So take heart and please try not to worry.
Heaps of babies are bottle fed and their mums adore them just as much and it has zero effect on their bond.
Honestly, it seems a big issue to you now, but it very quickly will cease to be one.

I understand where you are coming from, it is upsetting when things don't go to plan. I would second what people have said about finding a private tongue tie practitioner in your area and get it snipped asap if you can. Had your baby's weight completely plateaued or was it just slow? If slow, it seems a bit extreme for me for them to be recommending top ups after every day feed. I would have thought after every other feed to start with. Also did the lactation consultant start you pumping to increase/maintain your milk supply? You could then use the milk you get instead of the formula. You then won't be playing catch up when the tongue tie has been sorted if you do have to wait 6 weeks as you will have the supply. If you don't have a pump and you would like the pursue this, I would recommend hiring a hospital grade pump as they are the best at improving supply.

I hear you OP.

It’s horrible.

It’s a big issue to me seven months on eekay and to be honest I am fed up of being told it doesn’t matter. If it doesn’t matter to you, fair enough. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.

@tofuschnitzel

You absolutely can bond with your baby if you bottle feed. You are still the most important person in your baby's life, and that will not change however you feed him. Please try not to be too hard on yourself.

Absolutely this. Also, why not say to your mum and DP that you want to be the only one to bottle feed for a while? I did that when sad about not BF. They should understand.

The weight gain is just incredibly slow. He's gaining 1-2 oz a week since he was 4 weeks. I am looking for a private tongue tie practioner as suggested. Iv also been prescribed donperidone as lac cons has said there may be a milk supply issue. But I really hope i can get the tongue tie checked asap just to rule it out. Feel so down right now, tried so hard hoping itd just work out this time.
I agree bonding can occur via bottle but i really wished to bf and still hope to.

Why not do both? Even if it's only one breastfeed a day (possibly the early morning one when breasts are fullest) - apparently the bf hormones are strongest 2-4am - put baby to breast then if they wake.
If breast milk dries up then it's ff but to keep bfing without stress is a possiblility - if baby gets gradually bigger they can suck harder and might improve bfing. It's your time it's taking up, it's your baby, do whatever you want. I managed for 3 months (both) - if i take away the feelings of failure which dogged me it was quite enjoyable and having my time over again I'd probably be more successful.

I meant 'to keep both bfing and ffing without stress is a possiblity'

I was in a similar situation and felt the same. I did all bottle feeds myself because I also wanted to foster the feeding bond. Mixed feeding is hard work but you still breastfeed, so baby will get lots of comfort still. Definitely pursue a private tongue-tie diagnosis.

Breastfeeding isn’t the only way to bond with your baby. My daughter did so much better on bottles, I was a little sad when I realised breastfeeding wasn’t going to work but it quickly became a non issue. I loved the fact that my husband and my mum could get involved with the feeding, it was absolutely lovely to see.

I had to combo feed as no one would agreed he had a tongue tie that was affecting him. Even though he was dropping percentiles. Cost £50 to get it snipped privately (posterior tie) and then I fed him for years.

Hi OP. I agree with PPs about getting the tongue tie sorted privately if you can afford it (usually about £130 ish). Breastfeeding is obviously very important to you, cso it would be money well spent. It can take between 2 and 4 weeks after a TT snip for 100% improvement, but it does usually improve little by little in this time. You can always pump meanwhile to increase supply. With a little patience and perseverance, you should be able to get back to fully breastfeeding after the snip.

It's also worth remembering that feeding tends to improve a lot as babies grow, mouth flexibility improves, and they are not so sleepy all the time.

As for bottle feeding meanwhile, whether formula or expressed milk, if you don't want to share feeding, you are under no obligation to with those outside of you and your baby's father. Why not have lovely skin to skin cuddles during a bottle feed, whilst talking or singing to your baby? So that you can maintain the lovely closeness that you miss from BF exclusively.

If there is a genuine need for formula supplements (all my babies needed them as I had hypoplasia) they can be given via SNS not bottle. I did this for 8 months with my youngest and then breastfed without formula alongside solids which we’re still doing now she’s rising three. My son breastfed 15 months with an SNS then weaned.

Have a good discussion with your LC and health care team as to whether supplements are genuinely indicated and if so the best option for giving them, SNS is usually first line if baby attaches to the breast, it’s efficient and increases milk supply.

Is the lactation consultant private or from the feeding team at your hospital/ area? Could you try another one as well or maybe speak to your local La Leche League group as well?

I wasn’t able to breastfeed at all. I was heartbroken, breastfeeding grief is real.

I didn’t let anyone feed her at first, then my husband started doing just one a day after a while when I’d come to terms with it a bit. I still don’t think anyone has given her a bottle apart from us and she’s nearly 1.

I remember thinking I could just be anyone to her since anyone could feed her and I was really worried about our bond. For what it’s worth I find it hard to believe anyone could have a closer bond than we do. And she absolutely thrived so that helped me slowly feel better too. I can still sometimes cry when I talk about it though.

I coslept - it was out of necessity really as she just wouldn’t sleep any other way. It’s not quite as safe as doing it if you’re breastfeeding (though there’s some sources suggest if you’ve ever breastfed it retains that safety benefit - I didn’t even have that though). I was scared about the risk but we followed all the safety guidelines for it and in a way it was my special bonding time with her that helped me to feel better about then feeding thing

Get the tongue tie cut privately. There's nothing wrong with bottles and it won't effect your bond (my child was tube fed for weeks and then still had some bottles, now fully breastfed and her start has not impacted on our relationship thus far). I would recommend that you pump whilst your husband gives the bottle so at least your body feels like it is giving a feed- this will help to keep your milk supply up. You could also look into using an SNS which is basically a tube you tape to your nipple, it gives baby breast and formula but keeps the breastmilk going until it becomes enough. If you're really desperate to breastfeed I would do this. But you don't need to be desperate because you think it will harm your relationship if you don't- it really won't. xxx

Thanks for all your experiences and advice. We have gone private for suspected tongue tie appointment on saturday. In the meantime he is on formula and i am expressing but not much is coming out which makes me question it might be my supply. I feed him at night on the breast but he is quite sleepy cant tell if hes hungry
Lets see how it goes! If its not tongue tie i think i have a supply issue.

How much milk you express with a pump is not a good indication of how much your baby is able to get when they feed.
OP even if you end up mix feeding long term, that still counts as breastfeeding. He will still be getting an immune boost from your milk and he’ll still be getting comfort from you breastfeeding him as well as from the bottle feeding. I chose to give a bottle once a day at about the same age to help with going back to work a few months later. I’m still breastfeeding my nearly 2 year old now.

OP, I'm glad you've made a private appointment. Often supply issues and TT go together, as if a baby is unable to feed effectively, it will reduce the supply. It's not irreversible though! And as a PP said, a pump is not a good indication of supply usually anyway. Even if you do combi feed, either now or into the future, you and your baby both still continue to get the benefits. Good luck for your appointment x

@AliasGrape. I've seen your posts on a few threads and I'm sorry you had to deal with your grief over your personal outcomes re BF. It's good that you share your experiences with others too though, as not everyone understands how traumatic it can be when feeding choices are unfulfilled.

I just wanted to reassure you about something, re co-sleeping when not BF. Much of the raised risk of co sleeping when not BF, comes from sleeping position. Mothers who BF tend to have their baby fall asleep in the side-lying position, with the mother kind of curled around her baby, like a comma, with baby next to the breast. Mothers who use formula are more likely to position their baby higher up the bed, near their faces and thus also the pillows. Any risk can be hugely reduced, simply by mothers placing their bottle fed babies in the same position to sleep as described above for BF babies. It sounds like you followed all the safety guidelines, and so I'm sure that cosleeping with your baby was another wonderful and safe way of bonding

Awesome news RE private TT assessment.

Low supply can be caused by TT because baby isn’t adequately removing milk thus not signalling to your body to make more milk.

You can boost your supply by ‘power pumping’ - see attached. It mimics the cluster feeding babies so early on.

Of course you might just not be responding well to the pump, in which case it is very important to put baby to the breast before a bottle feed to keep up milk supply.

Fingers crossed for your appointment this weekend. If breastfeeding is important to you don’t let anyone talk you out of it with ‘fed is best’. Of course, babies must be fed but your mental health is so important too and as some posters here have demonstrated stopping breastfeeding when it matters to you is not good either.

I'd say keep breastfeeding first at all feeds and then top up with formula - is your lactation consultant an IBCLC? Because you don't have to have any qualifications to call yourself the former but you do for the latter. If you're on Facebook join Breastfeeding Younger Babies and Beyond and you'll get great advice there.

There's nothing wrong with combi feeding but I'd be really wary of reducing breastfeeds as demand creates supply. Keep feeding each time and then top up. Pumping can help but isn't necessarily an indication of supply - I can't pump to save my life! Getting the tongue tie sorted should really help. Also if nappies are good I would be less concerned because that's a great indication of how feeding is going.