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Original poster

Parental responsibility

55 replies

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 17:53

I Need your help again guys, short story is me and my 11 year old son had a fight sat and I dropped him to his dad saying that's it you can live with your father now, expecting his dad to help and sort things out but he has gone against me and said he is going to live there now.

Where do I stand it was just an argument? If I ask my son in school tmrw to come home and he chooses to stay with his dad where do I stand. I'm so scared I will lose him, his dad struggles to have him more that once a week and now to spite me he will try and take him, he's on birth cert but I receive child benefit

Thanks

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Fitforforty · 06/07/2021 19:35

You shouldn’t have played emotional games with your child. At 11 the courts will allow your children input on what they want.

HariboBrenshnio · 06/07/2021 19:37

If your son refuses to come home and choses his dad, there isn't much you can do. Over 10 the court takes into account the kids decision.

You need to ask to meet up with him and apologise for playing emotional games with him. You basically abandoned him to his dad over a tiff. That's how he'll see it. Grovel if you want him back.

Gladiolys · 06/07/2021 20:32

At 11 he can mostly decide for himself.

I would try a heartfelt apology and a chat about what happened. He will probably want to stay with you as it’s familiar if you make the effort to repair the rupture.

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BusyLizzie61 · 06/07/2021 20:49

What a collosal mistake to have made. First rule of parenting, never threaten something you won't or wouldn't like following through!

I'd say right now that you've sort of set the tone of the immediate future. Being at Dad's may well be appealing for him and could be amazing or awful over the school holidays. Sadly you may have forever altered the dynamics of the relationship between the 3 of you.

I would probably take the approach of apologising for your inflammatory behaviour and unreasonable conduct. Then say that he's always welcome back home, and you'll always love him.

I certainly wouldn't be pressuring him. Beyond perhaps suggesting that you're having his favourite meal that evening if he wishes to stay for dinner.

Hellocatshome · 06/07/2021 20:52

Well you dont really stand anywhere unfortunately. You can't physically force the child to come with you and at 11 courts/social services will take his opinions into account re contact etc. I would ask him to come to have tea with you so you can talk and then profusely apologise admit that you said something you didn't mean and ask him to consider giving you a second chance.

Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:01

@Hellocatshome

Well you dont really stand anywhere unfortunately. You can't physically force the child to come with you and at 11 courts/social services will take his opinions into account re contact etc. I would ask him to come to have tea with you so you can talk and then profusely apologise admit that you said something you didn't mean and ask him to consider giving you a second chance.
We both have things to sort out, me for shouting at him and tasking him to his dad's but he also has to change his ways, I wouldnt want it back as it was as he ruled the roost so to speak, I'm going to ask him tmrw, he's 11 in Dec so still 10 atm, he always likes to come home from his dad's as his dad's gf has two children and he ends up fighting with the oldest one, I also have ro speak to tbe teacher tmrw as he has accused class mates or bullying him and he's been in a bit of trouble last week at school again arguing with another child
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Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:03

@BusyLizzie61

What a collosal mistake to have made. First rule of parenting, never threaten something you won't or wouldn't like following through!

I'd say right now that you've sort of set the tone of the immediate future. Being at Dad's may well be appealing for him and could be amazing or awful over the school holidays. Sadly you may have forever altered the dynamics of the relationship between the 3 of you.

I would probably take the approach of apologising for your inflammatory behaviour and unreasonable conduct. Then say that he's always welcome back home, and you'll always love him.

I certainly wouldn't be pressuring him. Beyond perhaps suggesting that you're having his favourite meal that evening if he wishes to stay for dinner.

I kind of did at the time I was exhausted and disappointed in him and at breaking point as suffer from a chronic illness and find things so hard with little thanks x
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bananaleaf2706 · 06/07/2021 21:07

So you 'sort of' wanted him to go and live at his dads but now you really want him home with you. But you only want him home with you if he does x, y and z... otherwise you don't want him with his dad or at home with you?

You're supposed to be the grown up here OP.

Radio4ordie · 06/07/2021 21:12

He is a 10 year old. You can’t have a situation where you as a parent lose your cool to the extent you make threats of abandonment effectively. If you imagine if he didn’t have a dad (or you were still a couple) would you have threatened him with foster care? Hopefully not!
I don’t mean to be unkind. Kids test you like nothing else and we have all made mistakes as parents.
But you need to firmly establish that whatever he does as a (still young) child, you aren’t going to try to get rid of him. Otherwise whatever other problems your son might have, he will be dealing with that rejection and all the sadness, hurt and anger that will bring. His behaviour at 10 just can’t be a relevant factor in this. He is a child. You are the mum.

Really hope he comes home and you can have a cuddle and sort this out.

Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:12

@bananaleaf2706

So you 'sort of' wanted him to go and live at his dads but now you really want him home with you. But you only want him home with you if he does x, y and z... otherwise you don't want him with his dad or at home with you?

You're supposed to be the grown up here OP.

Well the reason we fell out has to be sorted out or it will happen again, I can't be controlled by a child that wants his own way all the time, that would not be healthy and yes I made a mistake, I should have sorted it out and not got his dad involved, I'm not prefect and allowed to make mistakes and then put them right
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Hellocatshome · 06/07/2021 21:16

Well the reason we fell out has to be sorted out or it will happen again

This is a very passive way of looking at it. It won't happen again if you dont let it happen again you are in control of what you say and do.

Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:16

@Radio4ordie

He is a 10 year old. You can’t have a situation where you as a parent lose your cool to the extent you make threats of abandonment effectively. If you imagine if he didn’t have a dad (or you were still a couple) would you have threatened him with foster care? Hopefully not! I don’t mean to be unkind. Kids test you like nothing else and we have all made mistakes as parents. But you need to firmly establish that whatever he does as a (still young) child, you aren’t going to try to get rid of him. Otherwise whatever other problems your son might have, he will be dealing with that rejection and all the sadness, hurt and anger that will bring. His behaviour at 10 just can’t be a relevant factor in this. He is a child. You are the mum.

Really hope he comes home and you can have a cuddle and sort this out.

As a child we were always threatened with 'going to the homes' I would never threatened to leave him with anyone but his dad or my parents and yes I did snap as I was tired and I guess sick of him being so ungrateful and mean when I really try my hardest so I guess lessons to be learnt and if he wants to stay with his dad I will accept that, his dad has never wanted him for more than 2 days before, he's more concerned with work and sleeping and partying
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Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:18

@Hellocatshome

Well the reason we fell out has to be sorted out or it will happen again

This is a very passive way of looking at it. It won't happen again if you dont let it happen again you are in control of what you say and do.

I mean the reason for me shouting at him in the first place I can't have him being totally ungrateful and saying horrible things to me either and controlling anything, I can't even suggest going to the beach or walking the dog, he freaks out
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Use627 · 06/07/2021 21:19

He's doing what he was told tbf. Sorry, struggling to have sympathy as you are playing by mind games with an 11 year old. That stuff stays with you.

WildWestWanda · 06/07/2021 21:22

What exactly did he do?

Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:22

@Use627

He's doing what he was told tbf. Sorry, struggling to have sympathy as you are playing by mind games with an 11 year old. That stuff stays with you.
So you saying that's it then he stays with his dad now and never comes back here, we can't make it up and say sorry and he can decide whether he wants to stay with his dad or come home with me, I find that hard to understand, have you never had a row with your kids or anyone
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Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:25

@WildWestWanda

What exactly did he do?
We went to a birthday party and after it I said that was nice and he started having a go at me saying he hated it and he never wanted to go and he hated all the kids and everyone was mean to him, all untrue, why did I make him go? I didnt make him but said it would be fun, boys his own age, it was a friends boy and we are hoping to go camping with them next month
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Bootskates · 06/07/2021 21:26

Serious question, what did you expect your son's reaction to be when you said it?

You mention him being ungrateful so did you want him to realise he has it better than he thinks at home?

I think maybe look at other ways of getting this across...

Hope you and your son work things out. Would a more 50/50 arrangement work? Give you both space if things are tricky between you right now without him leaving altogether?

Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:30

@Bootskates

Serious question, what did you expect your son's reaction to be when you said it?

You mention him being ungrateful so did you want him to realise he has it better than he thinks at home?

I think maybe look at other ways of getting this across...

Hope you and your son work things out. Would a more 50/50 arrangement work? Give you both space if things are tricky between you right now without him leaving altogether?

I'd like this but I've asked for more help for 10 years and his dad won't do it, he only has him when his gf has her kids and refuses to do any school runs as he works and if he works on the weekend he won't have him then either
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TheDinosaurMum · 06/07/2021 21:30

Yeah many of us grew up being threatend to be sold to the gypsies, sent to homes or sent on a boat to Peru .....but our parents never drive us to the dock and pushed on the boat op!! It was a threat, your mistake was carrying through with it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2021 21:31

What’s the issue that exploded and you fear will happen again?

Ideally you and your ex need to work together. It doesn’t sound like either he or your son will want to make this a permanent set up but you might have to wait a while. If that’s not possible, you need to get a firm grip on whatever’s going on with your son and find healthier ways to deal with conflict than chucking him out/threatening to abandon him as living under that sort of consequence isn’t going to level him out and if he’s feeling uncertain or insecure his behaviour will probably get worse.

Threats, especially ones you don’t mean, aren’t a healthy parenting strategy. You’re all hurting now and it might take time and energy to fix it.

bananaleaf2706 · 06/07/2021 21:33

'Having a row' with a 10 year old Sad

Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:35

@TheDinosaurMum

Yeah many of us grew up being threatend to be sold to the gypsies, sent to homes or sent on a boat to Peru .....but our parents never drive us to the dock and pushed on the boat op!! It was a threat, your mistake was carrying through with it.

We used to get dropped to relatives then come home in a few days and say sorry
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Bootskates · 06/07/2021 21:35

Sorry to hear that, sounds like your son will be home before long though tbf, ex sounds like he barely does the minimum, 24/7 with a stroppy kid (no offence, they're all stroppy at some stage though tbf) will be a bit of a shock to the system.

He will probably send him back home to you when his gf is next childfree by the sounds of it.

Original poster
catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:39

@Bootskates

Sorry to hear that, sounds like your son will be home before long though tbf, ex sounds like he barely does the minimum, 24/7 with a stroppy kid (no offence, they're all stroppy at some stage though tbf) will be a bit of a shock to the system.

He will probably send him back home to you when his gf is next childfree by the sounds of it.

That's what everyone is saying that knows his dad, but I don't want to leave it that long I want to sort him and ask him to come home but I just didn't know what to do as I feel I have now lost control, the gf run and cancelled his English tutor today ongoing, which has really been working with my son and his dad knew how important it was for him, they will not travel to the tutor every week or pay for it, if I don't let her know by Friday for next week I also lose the place
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