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Parental responsibility

55 replies

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 17:53

I Need your help again guys, short story is me and my 11 year old son had a fight sat and I dropped him to his dad saying that's it you can live with your father now, expecting his dad to help and sort things out but he has gone against me and said he is going to live there now.

Where do I stand it was just an argument? If I ask my son in school tmrw to come home and he chooses to stay with his dad where do I stand. I'm so scared I will lose him, his dad struggles to have him more that once a week and now to spite me he will try and take him, he's on birth cert but I receive child benefit

Thanks

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titchy · 06/07/2021 21:40

We went to a birthday party and after it I said that was nice and he started having a go at me saying he hated it and he never wanted to go and he hated all the kids and everyone was mean to him, all untrue, why did I make him go? I didnt make him but said it would be fun, boys his own age, it was a friends boy and we are hoping to go camping with them next month

I'm not understanding the problem. He obviously didn't have a nice time at all poor thing and tried to explain that to you. Why didn't you sympathise and listen to why he wasn't happy? Confused

Radio4ordie · 06/07/2021 21:40

Okay, so he opened up to you about how he was feeling about this party and you got angry as you felt he was ungrateful.
I would have approached it as my son feeling insecure and needing a bit of reassurance.
We need to be their unrockable person who reminds them that they are capable, we believe in them, they are loveable.
You interpreted it as being disrespectful and the way it was said might have been, but that should have been addressed quickly and the heart of the matter been the main thing I.e how your child was feeling.
It seems it escalated really quickly. Do you feel overwhelmed? Personally I find when I’m not in a good place myself, I find it harder to think clearly.

Hellocatshome · 06/07/2021 21:42

So he has told you he is being bullied at school and he told you he didn't like the party and everyone was being mean to him but instead of sympathising you told him to go live with his Dad. Yes he may have expressed it as a whingy ungrateful kid but thats because he is 10!

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titchy · 06/07/2021 21:43

And you've now cancelled his tutor? Fuck me you're really flying off at the deep end aren't you.

Kindly meant, but are there any parenting courses you can do? Your parenting style seems very negative and confrontational - it's no wonder your kid is lashing out. You need to turn it round and quickly while he's still young enough to respond. Once he's a teen you've lost him.

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:44

@titchy

We went to a birthday party and after it I said that was nice and he started having a go at me saying he hated it and he never wanted to go and he hated all the kids and everyone was mean to him, all untrue, why did I make him go? I didnt make him but said it would be fun, boys his own age, it was a friends boy and we are hoping to go camping with them next month

I'm not understanding the problem. He obviously didn't have a nice time at all poor thing and tried to explain that to you. Why didn't you sympathise and listen to why he wasn't happy? Confused

I watched him playing and enjoying eating cake and playing ball games and I was right there and he didn't give any indication he didn't enjoy, he would happily stay in his room and play on his xbox, but what life is this, I didn't really get a choice as a child we went to friends houses got on with their kids and didn't dare moan about it, we used to make fun whatever
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Bootskates · 06/07/2021 21:44

Sounds like it was his dads gf that has cancelled the tutor...

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:45

@titchy

And you've now cancelled his tutor? Fuck me you're really flying off at the deep end aren't you.

Kindly meant, but are there any parenting courses you can do? Your parenting style seems very negative and confrontational - it's no wonder your kid is lashing out. You need to turn it round and quickly while he's still young enough to respond. Once he's a teen you've lost him.

No the girlfriend rung his tutor and cancelled today not me, his dad's girlfriend
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nothanksbarb · 06/07/2021 21:46

@titchy you have misread the ops most recent comment

Hellocatshome · 06/07/2021 21:46

The Dads girlfriend cancelled the tutor which makes it sound like they are planning on him staying there.

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:48

@titchy

We went to a birthday party and after it I said that was nice and he started having a go at me saying he hated it and he never wanted to go and he hated all the kids and everyone was mean to him, all untrue, why did I make him go? I didnt make him but said it would be fun, boys his own age, it was a friends boy and we are hoping to go camping with them next month

I'm not understanding the problem. He obviously didn't have a nice time at all poor thing and tried to explain that to you. Why didn't you sympathise and listen to why he wasn't happy? Confused

But to me and everyone at the party he did enjoy, everyone was shocked when I said that he didn't, its the first I have heard about being bullied at school, I pick him. Up every day and never been mentioned apart from the odd things about so and so whst mean or making faces nothing serious
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titchy · 06/07/2021 21:49

I watched him playing and enjoying eating cake and playing ball games and I was right there and he didn't give any indication he didn't enjoy, he would happily stay in his room and play on his xbox, but what life is this, I didn't really get a choice as a child we went to friends houses got on with their kids and didn't dare moan about it, we used to make fun whatever

Well he was hardly going to sit and cry and express his feelings to a bunch of random 10 year olds was he? He was in a situation he loathed, but behaved appropriately and made the best of it. Then tried to tell you his real feelings because it was quite an effort to keep cheerful during the party and he needed to offload. But you bollocked him and sent him to live with his dad.

I misunderstood the tutor business - apols. But your parenting really is very far short of what it should be right now and I think you need help with that if you're to turn things round.

titchy · 06/07/2021 21:51

Bottom line is he is telling you he's unhappy at school, the party etc. He's communicating - that's a good thing. It might be true, it might not be. It's more than likely something else that's making him unhappy, but you're not listening to him or trying to understand or get to the real root of the problem.

nothanksbarb · 06/07/2021 21:53

I honestly think that your son just needs some breathing space op, and so do you by the sounds of it. I don't think being hard on either of you or casting blame is going to get you anywhere - instead remember that he is a 10 year old boy going through lots of hormonal changes, and you are a single mum without much support from his father.

His dad and gf are probably enjoying the feeling they have some kind of 'control' - let them have it and deal with his behaviour! At the end of the day you're his mum, of course he will come home at some point. X

Hellocatshome · 06/07/2021 21:53

its the first I have heard about being bullied at school, I pick him. Up every day and never been mentioned apart from the odd things about so and so whst mean or making faces nothing serious

Maybe it's the first you have heard about it because of your reaction when he tells you things. One of the worst things you can do to a child is to not listen to them, his opinions and feelings are valid even if he is 10.

titchy · 06/07/2021 21:58

OP do you see a link between your lack of listening and lack of compassion for his feelings, and the way you were brought up, being told to ignore your feelings and get on with it, and if you moaned you were dumped at a relatives house till you'd learnt to suck it up...?

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 21:59

@titchy

Bottom line is he is telling you he's unhappy at school, the party etc. He's communicating - that's a good thing. It might be true, it might not be. It's more than likely something else that's making him unhappy, but you're not listening to him or trying to understand or get to the real root of the problem.
Yes maybe, I spoke to the teacher last week as he argued with someone in class and she said he had moved seats and was now happy and I checked with him and he was, I do listen to him all the time that's the thing, I'm not sure there is parenting classes, I guess this is all new to me abd I had a pretty shitty upbringing and can only do my best which until now has been okay I think so maybe I'll leave him with his dad and Hope he can be a better parent as he aboanded his two kids in oz and hardly sees my son and just let's him play on computer games all weekend, I try abd go camping with him, trips to hotels and holidays abroad, he has a pony I take him out on, we have a caravan at the coast, all nice things in our life, a dog of his own, but maybe your right and I am a crap mum.
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Radio4ordie · 06/07/2021 22:05

It sounds like you had a really tough time as a child so you probably don’t have much of a model for dealing with these things. I’m sorry you were treated badly. You didn’t deserve it. Give your child self some compassion and your son too.
This ‘tough love’ wasnt good for you and won’t be good for your son.
There’s absolutely no shame in getting support for a traumatic childhood to help you as a parent. The very best parents I know have really crafted their approach intentionally after getting therapy and realising they needed to unlearn some things from their childhood and heal.

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 22:08

@nothanksbarb

I honestly think that your son just needs some breathing space op, and so do you by the sounds of it. I don't think being hard on either of you or casting blame is going to get you anywhere - instead remember that he is a 10 year old boy going through lots of hormonal changes, and you are a single mum without much support from his father.

His dad and gf are probably enjoying the feeling they have some kind of 'control' - let them have it and deal with his behaviour! At the end of the day you're his mum, of course he will come home at some point. X

I hope so but I don't think I can leave it as I think he's dad we look at moving his school say next week to the same school as her children as he's always refused to do school runs, it would he easy for me to just leave him with his dad, I admit it's been so much easier working and not having to race to pick him up and make tea, wash and all the other things we do, some of replys on here make me feel like maybe I should leave it and 10 years of being good together means nothing and now the dad in shinning armour comes along and is the hero and good guy, because mum was so f*King exhausted she shouted and felt like she couldny take any more being a one man band
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catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 22:12

@Radio4ordie

It sounds like you had a really tough time as a child so you probably don’t have much of a model for dealing with these things. I’m sorry you were treated badly. You didn’t deserve it. Give your child self some compassion and your son too. This ‘tough love’ wasnt good for you and won’t be good for your son. There’s absolutely no shame in getting support for a traumatic childhood to help you as a parent. The very best parents I know have really crafted their approach intentionally after getting therapy and realising they needed to unlearn some things from their childhood and heal.
I can't go down that road it gets me nowhere I've tried before, my mum used to keep a horse whip at the side of her chair and lash us with it, I left home at 16 but put it behind me and got on with my life and did well until I fell ill after having my little boy and yes I do struggle a lot, I have fibromyalgia and in constant pain so also suffer terrible depression for the life that I also lost, my old healthy life
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Allinprogress · 06/07/2021 22:12

I’ve been in this position OP. Out of sheer exasperation I made him go to his dads, aged 14. He stayed 6 weeks. He chose his GCSE options in this time. He was tempted back because mostly he missed the cat but he also missed me. We worked through the issues.

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 22:15

@Allinprogress

I’ve been in this position OP. Out of sheer exasperation I made him go to his dads, aged 14. He stayed 6 weeks. He chose his GCSE options in this time. He was tempted back because mostly he missed the cat but he also missed me. We worked through the issues.
Aww bless its so horrible his dad makes it so hard for me I think it was a huge cry for help, but went wrong, it took all my strength not to just take a load of my strong painkillers that night and just give up, it crossed my mind and I thought how easy that would be to sleep and never wake up and deal with any of it ever again, I'm still really really low but I am just trying to do my best now to put things right again
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Mischance · 06/07/2021 22:20

You have an argument with your child, so pick him up like a parcel and deliver him to someone else to look after - then you object to him wanting to stay there.

What message have you given this little boy? If you get on my wick I will dump you on someone else.

The whole point about being a parent is that you give unconditional love and behave like an adult. You have failed on both counts and now you have a lot - I mean a LOT - of thinking to do.

Do you love this boy? Do you want to look after him and be a proper parent to him? Are you prepared to be an adult when conflict arises?

This boy needs security, not rejection.

We went to a birthday party and after it I said that was nice and he started having a go at me saying he hated it and he never wanted to go and he hated all the kids and everyone was mean to him, all untrue, why did I make him go? I didnt make him but said it would be fun, boys his own age, it was a friends boy and we are hoping to go camping with them next month

Something happened at that party to make him feel uncomfortable and not like it - you rejected that and invalidated his feelings. As the adult you should have listened to his concerns and helped him to get past them. He must have been feeling bad and, although he should not have blamed you, that is what children do. When they are confused about their feelings they lash out at their nearest and dearest and need support. And what did he get?....rejection.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but you really do need to rethink how you look after this poor boy. There is a lot worse to come as he approaches his teens and if you do not sort out your feelings for him and how you are going to support him then life is going to be hell for both of you.

EmergencyHydrangea · 06/07/2021 22:22

"We used to get dropped to relatives then come home in a few days and say sorry"

If your parents were shit you should try and do better than them, not copy them.

Mischance · 06/07/2021 22:23

We crossed posts OP - I can see how low you are feeling so apologise for coming on a bit strong. I was putting myself in your son's shoes and thinking how it felt for him.

But this lad needs you - he needs you to be strong for him - and you can do it. You really can. Flowers

catwoman1970 · 06/07/2021 22:29

@Mischance

We crossed posts OP - I can see how low you are feeling so apologise for coming on a bit strong. I was putting myself in your son's shoes and thinking how it felt for him.

But this lad needs you - he needs you to be strong for him - and you can do it. You really can. Flowers

I don't know I feel too low and upset at the moment, I've really struggled to do my best and I now feel like it's all too hard but his dad is not a good person and his gf even worst, I just didn't think it through I just wanted to walk the dog and go to sleep I was totally exhausted, I guess it's hard to deal with things when you try your hardest and it's still not good enough I guess I gave up and now don't know what to do, I would never force hin home I will speak to him tmrw and see how he feels about it all, I would truly like more help, his dad let's me down most weeks so I work part time and struggle with child care in half terms and holidays but there is two of them and also two wages coming in
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