Parental responsibility

[catwoman1970]

I Need your help again guys, short story is me and my 11 year old son had a fight sat and I dropped him to his dad saying that's it you can live with your father now, expecting his dad to help and sort things out but he has gone against me and said he is going to live there now.

Where do I stand it was just an argument? If I ask my son in school tmrw to come home and he chooses to stay with his dad where do I stand. I'm so scared I will lose him, his dad struggles to have him more that once a week and now to spite me he will try and take him, he's on birth cert but I receive child benefit

Thanks

The thing is, however hard it is, your DS needs to know his home is secure and he can trust his care-giver. It sounds like your own childhood was dreadful but surely that would motivate you not to do the same to your own child. Basically a ten year old is a kid who needs love and hugs, not shipping off because he said some things you did not like. I hope you can work it out with him, but it will need to start with saying sorry to him. You are the adult.
If you are in pain and need more space and his dad to step up and look after him more, the way forward was to talk to your son and ex about that, kindly and with reassurance for your son, not ship him out the door as a punishment. That really does go too far.

Can school help with signposting you to some support services in your area? Worth asking. And don't agree to the change in schools or permanent change in home. Sleep on it. Clear your head. Then form a plan. Talk to school, social services. Get some external help first. Think where you'd like you and your son to be in ten years time?

I can't go down that road it gets me nowhere I've tried before, my mum used to keep a horse whip at the side of her chair and lash us with it

Oh gosh @catwoman1970 I’m so sorry. That’s must have been hell to live through and I’m sure that’s only part of it.
I do sincerely think therapy would help. I have had therapy and I’m so much more resilient now. I think your childhood is still hurting you even though you think you’ve shut it away.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible time growing up, have you had any therapy to help you deal with your own childhood experiences?

Parenting is tough, especially when you have not had a secure upbringing yourself. I can understand just losing it, but now is time to try and move forward. You sound like you truly love your son and do your best for him. Parentline operates in Scotland and there is a link to an equivalent English organisation on the page linked which can hopefully give you some support too.

Are you having any contact with him? How is the relationship with his dad? I've got a feeling the novelty of being a full time dad and stepmum will wear off and your son will also miss you.

catwoman1970
I can see how hard it is for you as you are doing this on your own - it is a hard enough job when there are two people there who can properly share the load - and it is a load sometimes.

I do not know where you live but Home Start can sometimes help
www.home-start.org.uk - they have local trained volunteers who have been parents themselves and they visit and support you in this challenging job.