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Original poster

to put ds 5 into care.

76 replies

stressedanddown · 04/07/2021 18:52

nc due to how sensitive this post is.
i have 4dc My first two dd are well behaved my youngest ds 2. my third ds 5 has severe asd. We planned on having 2 dc but because our first two were well behaved angels we decided to try for a 3rd and i found out at 16ish wks i was pregnant with dc4 which for me is too late for an abortion .
Today alone my ds 5 has
spat in my face numerous of times
punched me so hard my nose bled
bit me numerous of times
peeled more wallpaper off
throw a bottle of wine in Tesco
pushed his brother over while in highchair
ripped his sisters hair out then started chewing it.
kicked at dog while outside.
We have had worse days then this before and i just cant do it any more. i have gained weight as at night when they have gone to bed im so tried i just order just eats etc my hair is a mess. my other kids are living in fear of violence.
im a shell of myself
please be gentle im pretty vulnerable today

OP posts:
Saltyslug · 04/07/2021 19:50

Safeguarding all your children including your third child

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/07/2021 19:50

No judgement here. Sounds v hard for you and your other children. I think I'd be considering the same, to put him into care. Flowers

suggestionsplease1 · 04/07/2021 19:52

Has he been assessed for ADHD? It quite commonly co-occurs with ASD. ADHD medication can make a dramatic difference for some children.

gettingfedupagain · 04/07/2021 19:53

I'm an SEN parent and the best way to get support is to be honest with your SW and tell them that you want to sign a section 20 for him (it means putting him into care at your request and you retain parental responsibility be can end it and have him back home at any time). If your SW takes you seriously then they will find proper respite for you and him.

If they don't take you seriously then ask for the paperwork for a section 20 and make sure they do take you seriously.

If the worst happens and you don't get the right support, then be aware that having him accommodated elsewhere will have a big impact on all of you. You will miss him a lot and be sad and feel terrible and wonder if you did the right thing, but seeing the bigger picture and putting you and your other children first takes courage and strength. With time (a few months) you will either know you did the right thing for all of you or the opposite, in which case you can have him back at any time xx

LunaLula83 · 04/07/2021 19:56

Yes go for it. It's such a taboo subject isn't it.

HairyToity · 04/07/2021 20:00

I don't want to go into labels, as children are all so different. I grew up with a brother with issues, and we never knew any different. It didn't ruin our childhood, we just accepted him. Mum and dad were very hard on him, and this minimised his misbehaving. I sympathise OP. My brother is 41, still lives with my parents, and is easier now.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 20:21

Keep fighting OP.
It's awful there is no school place for him.
I hope someone helps you soon. Flowers

PumpkinKlNG · 04/07/2021 20:25

No judgement from me op, I have 4 2 with asd and life is pretty much hell. Flowers

Glenthebattleostrich · 04/07/2021 20:27

Oh lovely, I just want to come and give you a massive hug.

It's shit. Just absolutely shit.

I dont have any advice I just wanted to tell you you can message me and talk and rant as much as you need to, I'm happy to listen x

Soontobe60 · 04/07/2021 20:32

There are many special schools where the children are weekly boarders; in my LA one is particularly highly regarded. However, most of them re for secondary school aged children.
You need to pursue respite care. I know children who have Early Start support, so a carer goes in at breakfast to assist in getting the child ready for school, then a couple of times a week after school. I know this helps the parents out immensely.

Cyw2018 · 04/07/2021 20:34

My Aunt and Uncle sent my cousin away to residential care/ 'school' when he started to become a potential danger to his youngest sibling. I think he was about 9 at the time. He has severe ASD (non verbal) and Severe Epilepsy. My Aunt was a SEN teacher, and even she had to make that decision.

They always managed to keep him local to them, and visit him regularly, take him on days out and have him home for visits until he passed away recently at 50.

Don't rush your decision, plan it well and make it work for your DS and the rest of your family.

Fleetw00d · 04/07/2021 20:47

God I really feel for you op, I think it's one thing having one only child like this but you have the safety and wellbeing of 3 other children to consider so yanbu to consider what you're considering. I would try social workers/special schools and care first, you'll never forgive yourself if you don't throw everything at it first! Good luck!

DingDongThongs · 04/07/2021 21:34

A section 20 isn't always easy (impossible) to revoke. Ask for more help before you go down that road.

DingDongThongs · 04/07/2021 21:35

If it helps I've three kids on high rate Dla and very high care needs.

Legoandloldolls · 04/07/2021 21:55

I'm in England but have been in your shoes. It is a living hell. No.idra how but my ds grew out of it as rapidly as he fell apart. He also has ASD.

I rang MASH and said if they didnt help he would end up in foster care. Socail care are so crap they might as well not be in our lives.

However my son is in a excellent school but unfortunately I have done many SEN appeals

It is shit. I hear you

Original poster
stressedanddown · 05/07/2021 00:39

Thank you to everyone who has posted.
One of the biggest problems just now is ive gave up far tried to keep on fighting for help. I love him with all my heart and tonight im spending mu time looking at hoilday photos from our recent trip. hes got a vèry cheeky smile and a laugh that just sets you off. one word he can say well is Mummy. He often calls out for me at night as he suffers nightmares the thought of me not being there breaks my heart. I really do love that boy and he can be such a delight.

some people asked about support groups. I did join one on Facebook but my post got deleted. I asked for help with his violence but looking back that support group was mainly for high functioning adults.
I will reply to everyone tomorrow.

OP posts:
DancingInTheGarden · 05/07/2021 11:42

@stressedanddown
Is your son on any medication that could be making him worse?

E.g. Montelukast / Singlulair - the asthma medicine for children has an FDA Boxed warning about causing behavioural problems in children including aggressive behaviour and violence AND sleep disturbances!

Howcanthisbe123 · 05/07/2021 11:50

No judgment here. I know it’s not a chosen life and you just have to deal with it....but I don’t know how the parents deal with it, I don’t think I could personally.

I would explore all options available including care.

Original poster
stressedanddown · 05/07/2021 14:34

[quote DancingInTheGarden]@stressedanddown
Is your son on any medication that could be making him worse?

E.g. Montelukast / Singlulair - the asthma medicine for children has an FDA Boxed warning about causing behavioural problems in children including aggressive behaviour and violence AND sleep disturbances![/quote]
no medication apart from melatonin

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedanddown · 05/07/2021 14:37

@HairyToity

I don't want to go into labels, as children are all so different. I grew up with a brother with issues, and we never knew any different. It didn't ruin our childhood, we just accepted him. Mum and dad were very hard on him, and this minimised his misbehaving. I sympathise OP. My brother is 41, still lives with my parents, and is easier now.
is there anything your parents could've done to make life easier?
OP posts:
HappyCamperT5 · 05/07/2021 14:46

I really hope you get the help you need 💐 X

Crappyfridays7 · 05/07/2021 14:49

Hi op, am so sorry you’re going through this.
I have a son with asd so I can understand some of the things you’re going through - I also have 4 kids and know the impact it has on other kids.

Are there any ‘in person’ support groups? There are often groups in the community who support families like ours, parents the child and the siblings - PLUS is one near me in Stirlingshire but it depends where you live. I know just now with covid accessing these things is really difficult. Have you done any parenting classes - I did a regular one when my son was younger then a course designed for children with additional needs which was great and the people who present it are really knowledgeable and supportive. I’m not sure if that’s an option in your area. Absolutely speak your your social worker, maybe the crisis will spur them on to offer more support rather than care, as I think you’ll struggle with him being away from you.

It’s a really horrible situation op, I’m sorry you’re facing this and I hope you can find people who can help and support your family, shout loud and make yourself heard - it’s exhausting I know. And as others have said take it further mp etc

Rufus27 · 05/07/2021 14:52

@stressedanddown

Thank you to everyone who has posted. One of the biggest problems just now is ive gave up far tried to keep on fighting for help. I love him with all my heart and tonight im spending mu time looking at hoilday photos from our recent trip. hes got a vèry cheeky smile and a laugh that just sets you off. one word he can say well is Mummy. He often calls out for me at night as he suffers nightmares the thought of me not being there breaks my heart. I really do love that boy and he can be such a delight.

some people asked about support groups. I did join one on Facebook but my post got deleted. I asked for help with his violence but looking back that support group was mainly for high functioning adults.
I will reply to everyone tomorrow.

@stressedanddown Have a look at the support group SEND VCB Project (on FB). I think it would be helpful. Yvonne Newbold who runs it is amazing. You won’t feel alone on there.
inmyslippers · 05/07/2021 15:00

I'm a carer and you'll get no judgement from me. We work as team providing round the clock care and 2-1 during waking hours. I don't know how parents can possibly do this on their own

whatthejiggeries · 05/07/2021 16:25

I have no experience if this but I have to say I don't think I could do what you are doing. It's ruining your life and that of the other three members of your family. I think when you consider everything is keeping one child with you more important than the life experience of 4 others the answer for me is no. I think I would consider care in these circumstances