to put ds 5 into care.

[stressedanddown]

nc due to how sensitive this post is.
i have 4dc My first two dd are well behaved my youngest ds 2. my third ds 5 has severe asd. We planned on having 2 dc but because our first two were well behaved angels we decided to try for a 3rd and i found out at 16ish wks i was pregnant with dc4 which for me is too late for an abortion .
Today alone my ds 5 has
spat in my face numerous of times
punched me so hard my nose bled
bit me numerous of times
peeled more wallpaper off
throw a bottle of wine in Tesco
pushed his brother over while in highchair
ripped his sisters hair out then started chewing it.
kicked at dog while outside.
We have had worse days then this before and i just cant do it any more. i have gained weight as at night when they have gone to bed im so tried i just order just eats etc my hair is a mess. my other kids are living in fear of violence.
im a shell of myself
please be gentle im pretty vulnerable today

We have had a respite assessment and we get 5 hrs a wk. its currently the summer hoildays ( Scotland) he gos to a mainstream school with a 1 to 1 psa.
He has limited understanding and more limited words. We probably have all the professionals out there involved . Ive begged for more help already this week but it falls on deaf ears. He needs specialist support something i cant give him at home

I grew up with a brother like this, I’ve watched my mum cry countless times. I’m so sorry for what you’re all going through. Your other children will be okay, it’s just the way it is for them and kids are resilient. You’re doing the best you can do. I’m so grateful to my parents for what they endured out of pure love for us all. Better days will come, hang in there.

That sounds tough. Already there have been good suggestions. Are you linked with your local support group for carers? My local one has variously offered respite care and grants to help make life easier for you as a carer. www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

There is no way to tell from your posts how many other things you have tried. If he is not already at a specialist education provision is try that first. And also consider residential schooling before “putting him in care”. This is obviously very very hard but there is really no sense from your post of what measures you have already taken.

Trust me i have tried to get special school for him but he didn't get a place

Oh it sounds awful. You must be exhausted.

Is your son on any medication that could be making him worse?

E.g. Montelukast / Singlulair - the asthma medicine for children has an FDA Boxed warning about causing behavioural problems in children including aggressive behaviour and violence.

Sounds incredibly tough.
No judgement here what so ever. I work in a children’s residential home for children with complex needs inc ASD.
So many of our young people come from loving families that just unable to manage daily life with a child with complex needs.

You should seek support from your SW/local groups/charities.

Is DS in school?

Speaking as a sibling who was in this situation, please don't forget to prioritise your other kids needs too. Too often the NT siblings get forgotten or pushed to the side when trying to meet the ND child's needs. I took many years of therapy to recover and am still quite affected by the trauma.

Equally, don't immediately jump to putting him in care without exhausting other options, there must be something that can be put in place for you. But there's no shame in not being able to cope. I wish you all the best with whatever you do

It's really really hard to get a residential place for a child with disabilities, at least it was for my friend, it took ages.

No judgement from me. It's hard to get even decent support like respite from her experience.

I am sorry that life is so hard for you. I do know how very hard it is to get proper professional help when you have a child who has special needs, particularly when there is a large behavioural element. I know we knocked on doors - CAMHS, SSD, school - till we were blue in the face and just got nowhere.

I do think you should get back to SSD and simply tell them that you cannot manage as things are and that reception into care feels like something you need to consider. This might - just might - persuade them to take some more constructive action - you need respite.

Is there a branch of Home Start in your area? - might be worth contacting them - they are very hand on.

I am sorry life is so hard at the moment.

No judgement at all. I’ve been at the end of my rope with my son (ASD) too before. You have a disability social worker which is a start, what support has been put in place if any? Does your son have an EHCP (thereby making school environment better which in turn ime can massively improve home life)?

I’ve found with social care you have to spell it out to them exactly how you feel and how hard it is otherwise they take it for granted that you’re “coping well” even when it’s pretty obvious you’re not but it’s easier for them to pretend you are.

Trust me i have tried to get special school for him but he didn't get a place

Just seen this. How is he at school? Is it very obviously tough for him? Does he mask and then let it all out at home? What’s in place at school for him?

If you were to tell SS exactly what you have told us, there's a strong chance that they will provide more help. It's cheaper and easier than taking a child into care. The squeakiest wheel gets the oil.

Tell the social worker what you’ve put in your first post and hopefully this will open up some more support for you ? And push for specialist school with a residential option, at least for flexi boarding 💐

Sending hugs I have two autistic boys myself so I can understand what you’re going through.

Definitely go back to social services and tell them how you’re feeling, one of the school mums was having a lot of trouble with her autistic daughter and they’ve given her more respite, they even pay for a cleaner and a childminder to take her other children to school so she can concentrate on her daughter.

My heart goes out to you, OP, and YANBU. The impact on your other children must be considerable.

A friend who had 2 boys with ASDs got loads of help and support from a local group run by an ASD charity. And her middle boy, who was the worst affected, improved immeasurably between the ages of 5 and 11. I hope the same happens with your son, if you decide to keep him at home.

Get all the help and respite you can. And make sure you're getting whatever the equivalent of child DLA/carer's/carer's element or premium/disabled child element. If you're not, when you claim, the extra money might make it possible for you to buy in some help to give you a break.

OP if you can it in you for a push I found
Proprioceptive exercises pushing and pulling and reward charts with choices made a huge difference.
We do 30 mins morning and evening it rids the frustration.

Not sure how it works in Scotland, but my aunt contacted the local MP to get some support in pushing for a residential school for my cousin. They were able to set up a contact at the council (through the proper channels but it can be hard to navigate if you don't know where to start), might be worth a try? It sounds like you definitely need more support and some more respite.

I don't know how it works up in Scotland. Is it possible to get all the dc 's on the at risk register? This was the only way we could get any help. He was extremely violent to everyone around. I had begged, cried, got mp involved and much much more including legal action. His behaviour also impacted his younger siblings.

He was around 10 when they were all put on the at risk register. It was one of the police officers who suggested it. It's not perfect but it made the sw, camhs and more accountable due to regular group meetings and they could no longer fob us off anymore.

He prepared for a battle. Ours dragged on for over 6 years and to this day I honestly cannot say where that strength through to stay calm. But you will get through it.

I hope you have more support other than the professional support. Going out together for us was a no go, however I was fortunate that I could leave him with someone and take the others out. It's also really important that they can also have their own social life away from him other than school.

I would email your SW and tell them very clearly and simply that you cannot cope and that you would like the LA to take care of your child and why. Tell them that you’ll be bringing your son to their offices by noon that day.

I would bet that you’ll get extra support as, ultimately, it will be cheaper to give you the additional support and respite than it will be to find an alternative carer.

No judgement op.

My concern would be that your ds would be placed with Foster parents, who may not have the knowledge and experience in dealing with young children with autism, non verbal and has challenging behaviour.

If your ds is five in age it is highly unlikely he would be placed in a specialist boarding school placement, as he is too young.

What if the Foster parents cannot cope? The Foster placement will disrupt and what then? Your son is moved around from Foster carer to Foster carer becoming more confused and traumatised.

What have you tried so far when his behaviour is challenging? Is he like this at school? Can you identify what triggers his challenging behaviour?

My ds is autistic, verbal, but non functioning language has other complex needs and can have challenging behaviour. I understand how relentless and exhausting it is.

It took a long time, but you do have to parent differently. Therapeutic parenting works for my son. However, be prepared for lots of negative comments from people, who do not understand it.

All behaviour is communication, including the horrible and infuriating behaviour, spitting and hitting can be an issue here as well, people who aren’t subjected to it from their children really don’t get how awful it makes you feel as a parent.

Which professionals are involved at the moment?
Are you getting DLA (assuming that is the same in Scotland)?
Does he have a CSP? If so does it appropriately reflect his needs? If not you can request an emergency annual review (so this can be done early). Remember a CSP isn’t just about school, it is about the whole child, this includes at home.

OP I see you are in Scotland.

You can refer your son to the Childrens Reporter in order for a Childrens Hearing to be convened. Here are is how to contact the Reporter www.scra.gov.uk/contact-us/get-in-touch/

This is a way of getting an independent hearing to consider what is the best interests of your child. The panel can put in place compulsory measures that require Social Work to give your child more support.

I do recommend though that you contact your social worker and tell them you are not coping. I know you have been assessed before but it sounds like things are getting worse. If you tell social work you are not coping they will need to escalate the support you are getting.

OP here is a better link for the Childrens Reporter with more information for you.

www.scra.gov.uk/contact-us/

Residential educational setting with weekends together at home if you can access it

I work with people in care , adults that have been in care since childhood , when they are with staff in the home they are generally very well behaved , however several can be trying on a visit home to parents , they demonstrate they know what strings to pull and can be really badly behaved but turn back into well behaved adults on return to the home, it's so difficult being a parent in these circumstances , nobody walks in your shoes it sounds like hell , I hope you find a solution that helps you more