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Parenting

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't help with our baby or the housework

87 replies

Kaayyyx · 01/06/2021 09:36

I have a beautiful 7 month old son and I'm so happy but my boyfriend doesn't help with him at all. My boyfriend works everyday, he leaves at about 5am but is back home by 9am sometimes earlier whereas mine is seven days a week. 24/7. It's like pulling teeth to get him to watch our 7-month-old for half an hour so I can take a shower or just get a breather. He won't change a nappy unless he only does a wee, even then I have to argue with him to do it. He has only changed a nappy maybe 3-4 times since our son has been born, same with his bottles I have to argue with him to give him a bottle so I can tidy the house or make the dinner etc and then he gives me a hard time about it. The same goes for even giving the baby attention. I can't get him to clean, cook, or help with the laundry either. I'm exhausted and I never have time for myself. He has only ever bought him 2 babygrows, myself and my family have bought everything. He also won't take him out for a day out or anything. We have never done anything as a family of 3. Everything just upsets me. What can I do?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 01/06/2021 10:48

@Kaayyyx

Yes. He expects me to do everything for him. He doesn't do anything, soon as he walks through the door from work he lays on the couch playing his game. It's honestly like I have a baby and a kid.

You do So what are you going to do about it?

5475878237NC · 01/06/2021 10:49

Good plan OP. You can have a family life and one day meet another lovely man and maybe go onto have more children too. This loser isn't going to give you your dream.

Start the conversation by asking him to move out. You do not need an in depth talk at all. The only benefit to talking is if you want to save the relationship. You don't as he is a waste of space!
Have childcare on hand first. Have a locksmith booked. Have someone else there when he collects his things.

Providora · 01/06/2021 10:54

Ugh, reading your OP I immediately thought 'gamer' and wasn't at all surprised to read your update.

You've made a good decision and will be so much better off without him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting

bloodywhitecat · 01/06/2021 10:58

He works 3-4 hours a day then comes home and spend the rest of his day gaming? Show him the door, he needs to grow up and learn how to adult.

AnnaCharles888 · 01/06/2021 11:01

@Kaayyyx

I'm sorry to read this.

However know that nothing you say or do will ultimately determine his behaviour. What he does is completely up to him (as with any of us). He can decide to be a loving Dad or a deadbeat. Or something in between. Totally up to him.

It sounds like you have an instruction manual for your boyfriend (we all do this). A manual says things like 'if you don't behave this way, I'm going to feel this way'. It's like, I'm going to be very upset if you don't behave this way, or I'm going to be very angry or whatever. However reasonable you may think your requests are, it's still a manual of your making.

The alternative is you get to decide what you're going to do with your time, how you're going to feel about what you boyfriend does or does not do and how you're going to respond. It's all up to you. This brings huge power to how you feel about your situation and what action you take.

You get to make a request of your boyfriend and if he doesn't honour the request, you take responsibility for how you feel about that.

This doesn't mean that you stay with someone who doesn't have values in line with yours, I'm not suggesting that, but knowing that you have full control over your feelings in any situation is power.

I could say so much more, but will keep it short for now. Let me know if you have questions.

Ugzbugz · 01/06/2021 11:05

Tell him to leave?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/06/2021 11:05

@Kaayyyx

That is true. I guess I'm holding on for something that's never going to happen. A family life. He said if he leaves he will walk out his son's life too (which is SO wrong) so I guess I'm just staying with him so my son has his father.

Your son doesn't have a father OP, all he has is an indifferent man in the house who totally ignores him. This is not a family. I would most definitely leave. "Fathers" like this can cause real emotional damage.

Carbara · 01/06/2021 11:30

You don’t need to have a conversation, it’s your house, he’s just a boyfriend. Tell him ‘you’ll be out of my house by this evening. Pack.’ if he raises his voice, call the police to remove him. Hey presto- a decent life for you and the kid.

CassandraTrotter · 01/06/2021 11:37

@Carbara

This op. You owe him nothing.

Bananalanacake · 01/06/2021 11:48

Does he pay towards bills and food, either way he is a lazy dad for not helping. My DH works long hours, when we had our first he said he was happy to help with everything except the breast feeding.

Akire · 01/06/2021 11:55

If he wasn’t there would your son even notice? He brings nothing to the family table. There is no excuse even if he was working 15h a day Fathers should want to spend time with their kids. You live together under the same roof you are not a family

Bancha · 01/06/2021 12:07

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Your family of three sounds miserable for you and your DS. A family of two would probably be less work for you as you’ll only have one child to deal with, but more importantly it would probably be a lot happier, and you’ll spend a lot less time feeling resentful and taken advantage of. Glad to see you are binning him off. Don’t waste any more time with him!

FinallyHere · 01/06/2021 12:11

If you think about it, you are effectively paying him by letting him stay in order to 'be a father' to you son. How is he shaping up in that role? Are you getting value from him?

So sorry, but it really is better that he should go.

AutumnLeafDance · 01/06/2021 12:13

Hey OP, please rid yourself of this disgraceful excuse for a partner and father. He just doesn't deserve the two of you and he's an appalling role model for your son. All the best 💐

Ansjovis · 01/06/2021 12:14

I think you need to accept that whether or not your son has an active father in his life is not something that you can control. You can make all the space you want to allow them to bond but if he's not interested he's not interested. If you keep allowing this man to essentially be your second child you will be showing to your son that this is what family relationships look like. Much better for him to see that his mum takes no crap than for him to grow up with the implicit assumption that men don't need to contribute anything towards a family.

That said, I know it won't be easy and so I wish you all the best for what will come next.

ZooKeeper19 · 01/06/2021 13:20

Get rid, he can pack his things and be out by the news at 6!

You will feel much better. Unless we are missing something and he really was not in favour and did not want a child or something, this is a two-people game and if he refuses to take part he can go and not come back.

Always think that your child will grow up to see that this kind of behaviour is OK, that men treat women as slaves and servants and that women put up with this "just because". Please break the cycle, be the women that says "enough".

You deserve a relationship where you are equal, and both love and enjoy being parents. And if you think your BF is blood-related hence the best option - no. The best father your child can have is one that loves to spend time with him. No matter if blood related or not.

Branleuse · 01/06/2021 13:29

Id pack his things and leave them at the front door. No point having a conversation where he pretends hes gonna change.
You wont get your happy family from this one OP. if you have to convince him then hes already not worth it

Soontobe60 · 01/06/2021 13:31

@Kaayyyx

Honestly. Nothing. I know I should leave him but I have always wanted that family life, I guess I'm just putting up with it in hope I get that but I won't.

Our dont have a family life now. You have the life of a single parent looking after another adult. He’s not worth anymore of your effort.

Anordinarymum · 01/06/2021 13:37

OP You can be a family without him. It looks as if you already are anyway.

How to end this... how about you pack his bag and tell him to go. Make sure you get his key and do not look back.
This will never improve and you are worth so much more even though you probably do not believe that right now - you are.
I would like to give you a hug.
Reading this has made me feel very anxious for some reason, and actually quite upset.
How he is living and behaving around you is so wrong and cruel.

theDudesmummy · 01/06/2021 13:43

As others have said, no conversation needed. That would be for if there was a possibility he will change enough for it to be worth your while continuing the relationship. You have already (correctly) decided there is not.

Just pack his stuff in binbags or supermarket bags while he is at work. Get emergency locksmith and secure doors. Put the bags out just before he is due back. Send one (short) text saying that the relationship is over and that he can contact you by email regarding contact with his son (don't say text in case he decides to bombard you with messages, it is easier to deal with emails). Then block his phone number.

Chloemol · 01/06/2021 14:06

Leave

Brakebackcyclebot · 01/06/2021 14:08

I know I should leave him but I have always wanted that family life, I guess I'm just putting up with it in hope I get that but I won't

Sadly no, you won't.

I agree with all the other advice. One more point I'd make is to project yourself 20 years into the future. Do you want your DC to see this as a role model for being a father? Children learn by watching us, copying us. Would you want your son to replicate this with his children, or your daughter to put up with it as a partner?

Pebbledashery · 01/06/2021 14:11

Right I thought he was 24/25/26.. But 32!!
Get out whilst you can. This isn't a person who will change.

Embracelife · 01/06/2021 14:14

@Kaayyyx

Let him go then Waste if space

MrsPsmalls · 01/06/2021 14:14

I love gaming and have successfully brought up a family. Your man is a total waste of space. But also take a look at yourself. How have you got in this position, were there no signs of it before your baby - I cant believe your partner mutated over night.
Get him out and quick.
Then be really choosy next time as you have a baby to think of now

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