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Parenting

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Original poster

Can't cope on my own with my child anymore.

53 replies

Anotherday21 · 31/05/2021 20:59

can't cope with my 13 month old anymore. I am feeling increasingly desperate and I do not know how to handle this anymore. He's been high needs and a constant crier since birth. He no longer naps and barely sleep at night. On average, he sleeps 3-4hrs a night. I had always hoped once he started walking properly, his mood would improve, this didn't turn out to be the case. If anything, I feel as if he's only becoming more and more miserable. He does have allergies but they are known and I know which foods etc to avoid, which milk to use etc.

I am on my own with him 24/7. No family. My friends live 2,5hrs away and the majority don't even like kids (their words) so I am very reluctant to ask one of them to take him. If only for an hour or so. My son's father has not been a part of his life since he was 6 months old and he wasn't that bothered before that either to be honest which I've always found extremely upsetting. I am desperate to get away, go back to work and although he is on numerous nursery waiting lists, I've not heard back from any of them.

I just want to sleep and never wake up. I dread every single day. All I do lately is shout at him. I'm fully aware this is unacceptable and that he deserves a much better mum than me. I worry about traumatising him and am considering even putting him up for adoption because I am a failure as a mother and he deserves so, so much better. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I just feel empty, angry and so, so sad all of the time

OP posts:

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BlueDucky · 31/05/2021 21:02

that sounds so tough. Have you tried talking to your GP? They might be able to get you in contact with local organisations that can help.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/05/2021 21:04

A 13month old sleeping 4hrs in a 24 hr period, have you taken him to a dr?!
Of course you feel how you do with no sleep, it’s not sustainable!

accentdusoleil · 31/05/2021 21:05

That sounds awful for you. It will get better. It must have been so hard for you in lockdown

Now that things are opening up, are there any parents and baby groups at the local leisure centre or church etc ? I found them a lifesaver. Often a great way to have a chat with another mum

I'm sure others will have great advice

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families General parenting

Sofia95 · 31/05/2021 21:09

That sounds so hard.

I would look online for a reputable baby sitter. Perhaps look on local advertisements and buy yourself a couple of hours peace. Even if it is once a fortnight. You will feel so much better for it.

Frbct · 31/05/2021 21:09

First, you're not a failure. You're exhausted and managing without support.
If he is crying that much and not sleeping, something else may be unsettling him. Has he been checked for silent reflux?

peasoup8 · 31/05/2021 21:11

So sorry to hear what you’re going through OP - it sounds like you don’t have much support and to bring up a baby without that is so incredibly tough. I certainly couldn’t do it.

It’s good that your son is on some nursery waiting lists - once he’s in nursery that will give you a solid base of support and you’ll be able to have time away from being “mum” 24/7. Having a much needed break from your son will (in my experience) mean you enjoy parenting more when you’re with him. Have you followed up with the nurseries to see how long you might have to wait? Are there any childminders he could go to in the meantime?

to you x

Plantsandwine · 31/05/2021 21:11

That sounds so hard :(
Are there any toddler groups you could go to? There is an app called peanut where you can meet local mums.
Also, 3-4 hours sleep doesn't sound healthy for him or for you... maybe it would be worth giving the gp a call. Part of the reason he could be grumpy is because he is so tired.
Sending hugs, it is so tough when you don't have family close by.

ContessaVerde · 31/05/2021 21:11

This period has been so utterly challenging for new mums. Your whole experience would be so different if you had support. Nobody is meant to have care of anyone for 24/7. You need a break.
Phone the Children’s Information Service at the council tomorrow and get a full list of all childcare options, including childminders. Don’t stop phoning them until you have found one with availability.

It’s completely inhumane to be in the situation you are in so no wonder you aren’t coping. Nobody could cope with that.

Sleepybear12 · 31/05/2021 21:11

I think you need to call the GP and discuss your mental health. You sound so down and at risk for PND.
Your head is clouded by sleep deprivation as well as having a high needs child… 4 hours sleep in a 24 hour period is no where near enough, he must be struggling (as we all would be!)

Aprilwasverywet · 31/05/2021 21:11

See your GP tomorrow.. I told the receptionist if she didn't find me an appointment I was leaving ds in the buggy park at the surgery.. I meant it. Sleep deprivation is used in current army training...

Kayo12345 · 31/05/2021 21:13

Where are you based? I’d be happy to help if you’re near me, I have an 11 month old!

Defo recommend going to the doctors as it sounds like something is bothering your baby.

Gmmllw · 31/05/2021 21:17

This would wear even the strongest person down. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It definitely doesn't sound sustainable. If you are not currently working, would there be any possibility you could move closer to family? Or else, would you consider a child minder instead of a nursery even one day a week? My gym has a crèche, is there any where similar you could join? My baby has terrible colic and if he's awake he's crying! If money is an issue - My health visitor told me they have access to a small pot of funding to provide some free child care to mother's who are struggling.

converseandjeans · 31/05/2021 21:17

That sounds tough. I know of similar situations where council paid for some childminder for the Mum & it just gave her a couple of days respite.

Do contact GP or probably health visitor & they should really help you.

It's not sustainable & a baby that age should definitely sleep more. I don't suppose you could move nearer to family?

MangosteenSoda · 31/05/2021 21:23

I know this story well. In our case it turned out that DS had SEN, but I know others who ‘just’ had very high needs children who never slept normally or settled. They all turned into lovely fun older toddlers, but it did take time. My son is lovely and fun too, just with added needs that take a bit of getting used to.

When it’s bad, it’s so bad and those sleepless nights last longer than most people could ever imagine. My DS screamed solidly for five hours one night when he was 7 months old. I’m sure I still have PTSD!

The only way I could survive it was to detach a bit. When picking up, co-sleeping and cuddling didn’t work, I sometimes just put him safely in his cot and went to have a tearful cup of tea. If he’s going to cry, then he’s going to cry. No point martyring yourself over it. Regroup when needed.

DressingGown87 · 31/05/2021 21:48

This must be so tough, and I feel for you. Sleep and exhausted is so difficult, especially when you have a exhausted and wingy child and no support. I’m going through a rough patch with my 7mo and I’m a single mum too, plus she has allergies.

Could you look for a local childminder just one day a week per week, until you here back from a nursery? They are usually more affordable than a nursery. My DD loves her childminder, and although I’m working I love the break. Or see if there is a babysitter who could have DS for a few hours whilst you go out for a walk or something?

Speak to you HV / GP and see if there may be something causing it. Plus they may be able to put you in touch with local people to help. Or give you some support with your MH.

From experience I find my DD is like she is because she is “overtired” naps are short, nightime sleep is broken with lots of screaming. But we have had some better days and nights, now I’m getting more naps. Could you do CC? Starting with a nap? Or speak to a sleep consultant for some advice to try combat the sleep issues, which may help the crankiness.

Everyone needs a break, even if it’s just 5 minutes. I found once I got a night off, it helped so much for me to revaluate how to go forward.

Original poster

Anotherday21 · 31/05/2021 21:48

Thank you for the messages. I've been in contact quite a few times with GP because of his excessive crying/no sleeping but I was simply told "welcome to parenthood" and that he'll eventually outgrow it. I'm very reluctant to keep going back because of this but I know I have to. And unfortunately moving closer to family isn't an option. I wish it was though.

Thank you again for the replies. I really do appreciate it. You have no idea how much.

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 31/05/2021 21:50

What about your health visitor?
Under 5 your dc will be on her books also.

BlueDucky · 31/05/2021 21:51

Ah yes that's a good point, the Health Visitor might be able to help?

Redwinestillfine · 31/05/2021 21:59

Definitely contact your Health Visitor, this is exactly what they are there for. They could support you and make the Dr listen. That little sleep is not sustainable and your you got black out blinds etc? This time the brightness doesn't help. I really feel for you op. To get some help can you contact a local nursery. Often their staff will babysit. You could book into a travel lodge and sleep to catch up. It may make all the difference

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 31/05/2021 22:00

I’d get in touch with the Health Visitor and see if they can refer you to Home Start or similar.

If by any chance you’re in the Plymouth area then please PM me.

Sleep deprivation is absolute sheer hell and has a huge impact on your wellbeing.

bookh · 31/05/2021 22:04

There's some very knowledgeable sleep people on here in the sleep section, @fatedestiny in particular. If you can get some help with that everything else seems easier. Sleep deprivation is horrendous.

tuliplily · 31/05/2021 22:12

@Anotherday21 you poor thing. This sounds utterly draining. Sounds like you're doing a brilliant job though. Just throwing a few questions at you.

Have you thought about co sleeping to get a bit more sleep? My DC1 was a bad sleeper and I wish I'd done that with him tbh.

Can you afford a sleep consultant to give you some guidance?

Why do you think he doesn't need to nap? I think at 13 months DC would have struggled without a nap but just wondered why you think he's given it up?

I think there is a charity called gingerbread which is for single parents which might be able to help you.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way! Keep chatting and asking for support- there's always someone here to listen! 💐

AliasGrape · 31/05/2021 22:12

That sounds so so tough.

I agree that going back to the gp (maybe try a different one?) and making a fuss sounds like the way forward.Was your HV any good - could you get them onside?

www.cry-sis.org.uk/ - this organisation helps parents with crying and sleepless babies - it says up to 12 months but if you called the helpline they could maybe signpost you to further support?

Would you consider a self referral to social services? They would be there to support you and put some things in place and could maybe get you taken more seriously with concerns for your sons health/ sleep - I've no real experience with this so could be being naive but maybe other posters could advise?

Emmylouisa · 31/05/2021 22:12

Your baby is sensing the tension in you. If there really no one you know locally who would take him for a couple of hours while you take some time out, then you need to start going to a local group and network with other mums and build friendships with one or two you get on well with. It's the only way. X

AliasGrape · 31/05/2021 22:15

Cross posted with lots of other posters! Yes Homestart would be another place to try for support. You can actually self refer if you don't get anywhere with the health visitor

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