Can't cope on my own with my child anymore.

[Anotherday21]

can't cope with my 13 month old anymore. I am feeling increasingly desperate and I do not know how to handle this anymore. He's been high needs and a constant crier since birth. He no longer naps and barely sleep at night. On average, he sleeps 3-4hrs a night. I had always hoped once he started walking properly, his mood would improve, this didn't turn out to be the case. If anything, I feel as if he's only becoming more and more miserable. He does have allergies but they are known and I know which foods etc to avoid, which milk to use etc.

I am on my own with him 24/7. No family. My friends live 2,5hrs away and the majority don't even like kids (their words) so I am very reluctant to ask one of them to take him. If only for an hour or so. My son's father has not been a part of his life since he was 6 months old and he wasn't that bothered before that either to be honest which I've always found extremely upsetting. I am desperate to get away, go back to work and although he is on numerous nursery waiting lists, I've not heard back from any of them.

I just want to sleep and never wake up. I dread every single day. All I do lately is shout at him. I'm fully aware this is unacceptable and that he deserves a much better mum than me. I worry about traumatising him and am considering even putting him up for adoption because I am a failure as a mother and he deserves so, so much better. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I just feel empty, angry and so, so sad all of the time

@Anotherday21 agree with some previous posts - let people know where you are based, you may find help and support locally with other mums. I am sure many would be willing to lend a hand (I know I would).

Seems like the sleep needs to be cracked before anything else, 13mo should be sleeping way way more. Agree that GP or someone else with knowledge could help but if not, can you hire a nanny or even a babysitter to take him for a walk to the park for 2 hours while you catch up on yourself? There is nothing more stressful than having a baby on no sleep.

OP does he doze when having a bottle or BF? My DS was a fan of the 2 minute instant recharge m power nap.

He maybe over stimulated and then finds it hard to shut off, I've been there trying so many things, but a nice walk in the fresh air often helped (me) and if he grizzled I would sing nursery rhymes. I now do this with my DD too.

I would find a childminder, cheaper and they will either have space or not.

Do you do any classes or activities can you find a local mum friend through that?

@Anotherday21
Where abouts do you live? Xx

The sleep deprivation is horrible I got to the stage with ds where I couldn’t count to 10 I was so knackered
I was fobbed of food by the gp who sent the hv round saying I needed support to improve my parenting
DS had various food allergies that gave him stomachache so he didn’t sleep. could you try a couple of days of giving him calpol, if the sleep improves you will know pain is the likely cause

I’m a big fan of pushing them out in the buggy because they are facing away from you and the screaming isn’t as bad in the open.

@Anotherday21

Thank you for the messages. I've been in contact quite a few times with GP because of his excessive crying/no sleeping but I was simply told "welcome to parenthood" and that he'll eventually outgrow it. I'm very reluctant to keep going back because of this but I know I have to. And unfortunately moving closer to family isn't an option. I wish it was though.

Thank you again for the replies. I really do appreciate it. You have no idea how much.

That GP was completely wrong. That's not welcome to parenthood. It's not just like this for no reason. The most likely reasons he's crying so much and not sleeping are things like allergies and reflux causing him pain. Doctors can't always find the reasons, but he hasn't even tried and it's ridiculous to not even try and help you and him.

You need someone to take him for a few hours so you can catch up with sleep. Do you have any mum friends locally? I've had a mum friend crash out on my bed for a few hours while I cared for corralled her twins along with my one. She hadn't slept more than a few hours uninterrupted for months. If someone said to me that they felt like you do due to lack of sleep, I'd be happy to help...most people would.

If there are really no local friends you can ask, book a babysitter online (sitters.co.uk etc.) for a few hours...it sounds like the first thing you need is a solid chunk of sleep.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself! I am in a similar boat with my baby and the sleeping, and it’s so so hard. I agree with the poster that suggested trying co sleeping, it makes such a difference settling them from the same bed and they don’t fully wake as there is no delay getting to them. So many babies are in their own cot and room at this age but some just are awful sleepers, and I know with us we do what we have to do to get the bit of sleep as much as we can. The saying this too shall pass really does apply and I know things will get better eventually but for now, co sleeping has saved the day for me!!! Your gp should be more supportive too. The toll lack of sleep takes on your emotions is horrific!

This was the worst period for me and mine wasn't even as much of a crier OP. All I can say is, it will pass, it will. It's so hard not to shout, I know. I really hope you find someone sympathetic in real life. The Samaritans helped me when I was at my lowest. Keep asking, keep trying and keep trying to just step away rather than get angry. Don't try to do everything or be perfect. Try to get outside as much as possible. And go with whatever works to get through the day with as little conflict as possible without feeling guilty. You WILL enjoy him one day.

Apologies if they've already been mentioned but please contact Home Start and Gingerbread (support specifically for single parents) Both will be able to offer you help, google them both and you'll find a number for your local contacts.

Look into homestart. They can match you with a volunteer who can help you by giving you a break as well as signposting you to any parenting groups and mental health support. My friend had twins as well as 2 young dcs when her marriage broke down. Homestart got her back on her feet, gave her practical help and helped her build up her confidence as a single mother of 4 children

I wish I could give you a hug and look after your baby for you so you can get some rest. That sounds incredibly hard, especially as you have no family nearby. I'm sensing from your posts that you also don't have family you could travel to for a short trip or that could come stay with you?

When I was stuck abroad with DD as a single mum with no family around it was the church community that really saved me. I don't know if you are religious but even if not, no church should turn you away if you need someone to chat with and a shoulder to cry on. I'm sure they would be happy to help you any way they could.

You probably don't feel like going to a mums group because you are exhausted but I'm sure someone else there will be exhausted too and can at least empathize.

Here's a suggestion you might find totally loony but I'm going to put it out there anyway. I'm getting from your post that your son is bottle fed, and I'm not trying to say breast is best blah blah blah or to make you feel bad in any way at all. But given the allergies and the fact that your son won't settle, you could try to initiate breastfeeding - just the sucking is calming even with no milk to start - uncommon but totally possible to do at 13 months.

Also, can you ask to see a different GP?

You need more sleep, regardless of whether your DC is just someone who needs very little sleep, or there is an underlying allergy/intolerance/SEN. Having a childminder or nursery will give you the breathing space to tackle any underlying causes, but you need a gp or a hv who will attempt to help you find out what is going on.

You sound like a great mum, but you need some decent support now, to make this easier.

I could have written this myself a few years ago so completely feel your pain!!

Sleep as often as you can and go to the GP for some antidepressants.
Remember it is not long until they are in nursery and then you’ll be able to get some proper rest.
Maybe you could say the area you are in and posters may be able to point you in an area where you can get more support.

Speak to your health visitor
Be honest
Say you thinking about adoption
Emphasise the no sleeping.
See a different gp but start with hv
They may be able to refer to social services for extra support like childminder or shared Foster care

Oh this is not normal and not just parenthood. Something is wrong here whether it is micro power naps, reflux, allergies or early signs of additional needs.
Have you tried a decent baby carrier, one with proper waist support? I know it's not ideal but would he nod off better close to you?
Also did what anyone thinks about sleeping in a pram. If he'll fall asleep on an early evening walk, put him next to you and sleep on the sofa.
You need to sleep above everything else because no one can try and tackle this longer term while totally exhausted.
Don't take where you are now as a sign of being a bad mother. To have survived like this on your own means you are incredibly tough and have been putting your son way above yourself

anotherday

I've been in contact quite a few times with GP because of his excessive crying/no sleeping but I was simply told "welcome to parenthood" and that he'll eventually outgrow it. I'm very reluctant to keep going back because of this but I know I have to

I think this is a ridiculous thing to say.

I also wonder if there might be an allergy.

Do look into Home Start - one of my friends volunteers for them.

Health Visitor might be more use than the GP? Childminders are definitely cheaper than nursery & might do a half day?

You poor thing, you sound absolutely exhausted, as anyone would be. He’ll be exhausted too so that’s probably why he’s grumpy in the day.

It does get easier when they sleep better although I know right now you’ll feel that day will never come. X

Dear OP, what a nightmare. If you can't get or can't afford support, I'd suggest you do what a pp said and detach. Put him somewhere safe (his crib, as a default) and close the door. If his crying grates - headphones? Earplugs?

As long as his environment is safe, it is OK to leave him to his own devices for a bit. If you are tense and desperate, you aren't that much good to him anyway.

And don't be too hard on yourself. If you're sure parenting is not for you, sure put him up for adoption, there should be no guilt in that. But if you think wanting to do that makes you a failure, it is probably not the solution, iyswim.

There must be a lot more complications here than you explained. Why can't you move closer to family, how did you end up with child-disliking friends, why isn't dad on the scene at all. It all sounds like you are quite trapped.

Try not to blame yourself, you are doing something incredibly hard. I hope you can create some breathing space and get help to start sorting things out.

All the best- I wish I could come over and watch your screamer for a bit, but I'm not even in the UK.

Fuck I feel for you OP.
My DD is disabled and can’t use her natural energy and I’ve had about 3 (broken) hours sleep for nearly 4 years. Unless she’s ill - in which case she’ll sleep but I won’t from worry.
Here’s what helped me - Melatonin (consultant precribed it) to get to sleep.
Nursery - utterly wears her out (I know you are on waiting lists - try chasing some of them when you feel up to it).
A walk every day unless it’s pouring rain - best before lunch.
Otherwise keeping the day relatively boring - over stimulating her sets her crazy at nighttime.
Get some sort of night routine (she always watches one of two movies eg The Snail and The Whale) before a song and cuddles and teeth brushed before bed.
Dark room with a night light in case she’s scared of the dark (my DD is)
Could your DC be hungry?
Thirsty?
You need to see your HV.. for your sake.
Have they a way of entertaining themselves if they wake at night - a safe toy? I let mine watch a movie on her Kindle if she wakes up in the night - I have a monitor so I can let her watch it and cat nap (I’m not sure I’d recommend screen time for non SEN children but it keeps mine safe - not trying to escape or screaming etc.
Best of luck OP

Oh my heart goes out to you. My daughter slept only a few hours each night and I was just literally a mess with the lack of sleep. I did co sleep with her. I dont think there is anything wrong with that at all, especially if it means more sleep for Mum and baby. I cant help sadly but just wanted to send you a big hug as I know how hard it is. Xxx

My friends child never slept. Turned out she needed medication. Melanin I think? Can’t really remember. But it improved both their lives considerably. She was like a different child once she slept. Do not suffer in silence. Get help

Post roughly where you are. I’d love to come and help out by taking him for a push in his buggy or whatever is needed. I remember how how it was with mine. Now grown up. I have a DBS.

@emmylouisa, what you are suggesting might be valid but many groups are still not open and joining a group doesn't guarantee friends. I know, I joined so many but the cliques were too tight. And they are unlikely to result in someone offering their time to help. And blaming mum's tension is not useful and likely untrue. There are likely complex reasons why OP's son cries so much

OP you've had some great suggestions about HV and homestart ( that I didn't even know we're options. I got no HV support whatsoever with my first). I second saying where you are so we can try and help more practically. Childminders and nannies may be more available than nurseries. Even if it's short term for a couple of weeks to help you reset.
Love and hugs

My ds was exactly like this at 13 months. I resorted to putting a television with a DVD on repeat in his room, if he woke & wouldn't go back to sleep, I put the DVD on quietly & then went back to bed. It saved my sanity, 9 times out of 10 he fell asleep watching the DVD. Stuff all the rules on screen time, your sanity & sleep come first.

Can u hire a babysitter? And use the time to go back to bed?

Or get a job, put ur child in daycare therefore giving u a break?

Sleep is weird, if u don't get enough ur brain plays tricks on you. It also makes the smallest problem seem lots worse.

If u can catch a break it will make the time you are together better as u will be more focused and ww rested x