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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

I've put my heart and soul into this kid. Why is he like this?

76 replies

Bobbiebigbum · 25/05/2021 19:29

I have a 9 year old. He has a very mild disability (not learning or behavioural). I've put everything into raising him at this point and I am close to breaking. He is constantly winding up his younger brother (aged 5), all he does when he gets up is head straight for YouTube or some other tech. He won't sit at the dinner table more than 5 minutes and he argues every night about bedtime. If I sit him next to his brother at the dinner table he will physically fight with him. He's like a neanderthal. I've done everything I can for him, engaged him in after school clubs from cubs to surfing and football. I would say our relationship is pretty strained now. He's actually making me ill with his stressful behaviour. Any ideas? I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:

SmidgenofaPigeon · 25/05/2021 19:42

Why does he get free rein of tech if his behaviour is completely unacceptable?

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 25/05/2021 19:45

I try my best to hide it, but he sniffs it out every time. Also he is a monster without it and to be honest I'm scared I will loose the plot with him sometimes. It's the tech thing I have to deal with isn't it?

OP posts:

MaizeBlouse · 25/05/2021 19:46

I guess firstly how do you respond when he misbehaves? Is it consistent and fair? Do you elevate the situation by shouting or remain calm? How long does he spend on tech each day? Have you always been consistent with behaviour response with him from a young age?
I'm not trying to make it out to be your fault, some children are more challenging than others (trust me- I know!!) but kids don't care how much of your heart and soul you've poured in to them; that's the gig.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families General parenting

Thurlow · 25/05/2021 19:47

9 seems a difficult age.

However, to echo the PP, what boundaries and punishments are in place? If his behaviour is poor then he doesn’t get tech. He earns it back with improved behaviour. If he fights his brother, there are consequences etc

What consequences does he have now?

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 25/05/2021 19:48

Mostly I'm gentle natured. But after he pushes and pushes I get exhausted and about 1 time a month I loose my shit and shout loud at him. Then I feel terrible. The cycle continues.

OP posts:

SmidgenofaPigeon · 25/05/2021 19:48

Passwords, or find a better hiding place. At the moment he can behave how he likes because there aren’t any consequences.

Thurlow · 25/05/2021 19:49

@Bobbiebigbum

Then it is sent out of the house.

He may be monstrous without it but he’s also 9.

Thesearmsofmine · 25/05/2021 19:50

Put the technology away, honestly you need to be the adult here and if you say no that should mean no. The same as if you say it’s bedtime then that’s it, don’t engage in any arguing, you are the grown up.

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 25/05/2021 19:54

It's easy to say be the adult. But what does that mean in practice? He's 9. I can't physically manhandle him.

OP posts:

SmidgenofaPigeon · 25/05/2021 19:55

Would you need to physically manhandle him?

Stretchandsnap · 25/05/2021 19:58

You need to get a grip OP. Change the password on the WiFi, or on the tablet. You can’t be afraid of the consequences of giving consequences or you are going to get the compete run around by the time he is a teenager.

Set the expectation, give the consequence and follow through.

Thurlow · 25/05/2021 19:59

So if you take away his tech, what does he actually do? Does he fight, break things etc?

Thesearmsofmine · 25/05/2021 19:59

Why would you need to manhandle him? He is 8, you should be the one who is setting the boundaries, my dc ask if they want to go on tech and I either say yes or I say no. That’s it.

MaizeBlouse · 25/05/2021 20:00

Why would you need to manhandle him?
What have the consequences for his behaviour been previously?

His behaviour is concerning you now, but if you carry on as things are then it will be even worse at 16. It is part of the job of a parent to teach firm, fair boundaries.

UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 25/05/2021 20:02

Why is he like this?

Because you aren’t giving him firm and consistent boundaries.

HTH

ZoeMaye · 25/05/2021 20:07

In the nicest way possible, you need to handle your own shit. If you're scared to discipline him,you need to work on your stuff around that. If you're scared of losing your shit, you need to work on your own frustration and anger and stress management. Your child can tell you are scared of putting in boundaries, when what he really needs to see is you're not afraid to put in boundaries. Because right now it's as though he has all the power in this situation and being the one in control of a situation you shouldn't be as a child is a scary place to be. He needs you to be an anchor for him, not to life every time the wind blows a little bit. Like an anchor you can be flexible and give him a little bit of room, but you also need to be the one who is the calmest, most emotionally regulated. If you don't have your shit together, what hope does he have?

Snowinsummer · 25/05/2021 20:08

You need to sort out how you're going to manage boundaries & consequences now before he gets much older otherwise you'll have a real fight on your hand in the teenage years

CaraherEIL · 25/05/2021 20:10

Get rid of the tech, just completely, and any other onscreen gaming.
He might terrify you with how appalling he is but within a few weeks he might be a different child. I have done this with both my children, now we play cards, board games, some normal TV viewing. They are transformed in terms of rage, fighting and attitude, also both sleeping better. I have been genuinely amazed and their relationship is so much closer.
Get a star sticker chart with certain behaviours you want to see. Then keep a daily record of how he does. Try not to engage with the negative behaviour, try and praise any good behaviour. Don’t been drawn into debate with him.
Tech is not coming back in my house till they are 35!!

lljkk · 25/05/2021 20:18

from my own childhood: 9yr boys are a handful.

FelicityPike · 25/05/2021 20:20

Lock the tech in the boot of your car or in a shed or put it in a bag & ask a neighbour to hold onto it for you for a bit.

mayblossominapril · 25/05/2021 20:25

Try and be busy as much as possible so there is less opportunity to use tech, easier said than done I know

MildredPuppy · 25/05/2021 20:27

Its easy to say set boundaries but day to day it can be hard to think what that looks like and how you make it happen!

Some ways to set boundaries around screens and bedtimes would be setting a timer or having a timetable with screen time slots, and bedtimes marked really clear on the timetable. Its worth noting with a timer it can cause a problem if they are midway through a game/level so plan how you want to deal with it.

Some children respond well to reward charts but not all.

Original poster

Bobbiebigbum · 25/05/2021 20:30

Its easy to say set boundaries but day to day it can be hard to think what that looks like and how you make it happen!

Exactly this. I think I'm so worn down from the daily grind. @MildredPuppy
Thank you for the tips.

OP posts:

oohmyback · 25/05/2021 20:34

Use parental controls. My kids phones and tablets all have timers on them. When they're off they're off. I will have the ability to override it if I want and they can have more screen time.

Tbh I think the tech thing is the easy bit. Dealing with the unwanted behaviour is harder without loosing your shit! I tend to use calm repetitions.....I've asked you to do this now, if you don't this will happen and that's the only thing I say until it's done. If it's not done consequences would be sit on stairs (age 7) sent to rooms without phones (age 12, 14), or if we think it's more of a problem probably a phone/iPad ban.

Summerfun54321 · 25/05/2021 20:38

You need to reclaim being the boss in your own house. Ditch the tech, it’s not working for you. Good luck.

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