I've put my heart and soul into this kid. Why is he like this?

[Bobbiebigbum]

I have a 9 year old. He has a very mild disability (not learning or behavioural). I've put everything into raising him at this point and I am close to breaking. He is constantly winding up his younger brother (aged 5), all he does when he gets up is head straight for YouTube or some other tech. He won't sit at the dinner table more than 5 minutes and he argues every night about bedtime. If I sit him next to his brother at the dinner table he will physically fight with him. He's like a neanderthal. I've done everything I can for him, engaged him in after school clubs from cubs to surfing and football. I would say our relationship is pretty strained now. He's actually making me ill with his stressful behaviour. Any ideas? I'm at my wits end.

Pushing your buttons and struggling with self regulating sounds like lagging skills.

Don't take it personally. He is 9. You are all the mother he needs right now.

What do you enjoy about him? What things that you do help you connect? Start from there.

Listen carefully to what he says, even if it sounds like nonsense. Make sure you understand even if you don't agree. Listen like you're on his side and want to help, even if he's being unreasonable. Then make your reasonable expectations clear.

That way you can engage his cooperation (in time).

It's hard work but worth it! I found the ideas on this website really useful:

livesinthebalance.org/about-cps

Your son is ruling the roost, and that must stop immediately. Get rid of ALL the tech, he simply can't handle it and you can't seem to make boundaries for it. Get rid of it. Take your control back and get help if necessary.

[quote ArcOfTheCello]Pushing your buttons and struggling with self regulating sounds like lagging skills.

Don't take it personally. He is 9. You are all the mother he needs right now.

What do you enjoy about him? What things that you do help you connect? Start from there.

Listen carefully to what he says, even if it sounds like nonsense. Make sure you understand even if you don't agree. Listen like you're on his side and want to help, even if he's being unreasonable. Then make your reasonable expectations clear.

That way you can engage his cooperation (in time).

It's hard work but worth it! I found the ideas on this website really useful:

livesinthebalance.org/about-cps[/quote]
Yes. This worked well with my DS, he still knows how to push our buttons to the max but things are better.

I’ve cut tech completely for my ds1 several times over the years, not as a specific punishment but because his behaviour deteriorated when he spent too much time on it. Ds2 spends way more time on tech but his behaviour doesn’t deteriorate in the same way. It’s definitely worth trying but you need to keep it up long enough for him to go through the stages of grief

I learnt not to react when the red mist came down with my ds. I just let him rage with a “we’ll talk about this when we are all calm”. If I got angry myself, then it just escalated the situation.
Later we would talk, often after he came to apologise first, and then we would discuss consequences if they were called for and/or how the situation could have been handled better.

Things improved after I realised this.

Totally what smaugmum says. Don't listen to the get rid of tech stuff.

Another mum of a child with a mild learning disability here. If I get rid of all tech, he would become even more disruptive.

Tech definitely makes his moods worse (DS is 8). We limit time, and one hour before bed, no tech at all - spend the last hour playing cards, doing jigsaws, playing board games, sometimes watch TV..Nice baths, and a wind down from the day, often includes feet massaged. Essentially anything to take his mind off he hasn't got the tech stuff. We discussed between us before introducing that rule, at a time I knew here receptive to it.

My DS often eats at a separate place so he doesn't annoy his sibling. Only one hard and fast rule, no hitting.

I think try and get right support at school. Often my son is like a bottle of fizzy pop, holds in all day then goes crazy at home on his 'safe space. You have my sympathy. Dealing with a child who has disabilities, however mild, brings more challenges and can be exhausting.

Hi op it is exhausting. I have/had the same problem with my nearly 8 year old. He gets the rage from the online gaming and two weeks ago he broke his console (in a rage) and we told him if he breaks it he's never getting a replacement ...my family are all like poor boy etc And I said no we have to follow through with the consequence and it was hard tbh but he's a different person !(he does occasionally play on a very old iPad and his birthday is coming next week and he's asking for another console we still said no ) but sleep is better and rage is better (although he did have a tantrum today over nothing so could be hanged) but I do hear you and feel for you (physically fighting with his 5 year old bro too)...the timer used to work and my husband had this thing where he could only disconnect 8 year olds console WiFi but everyone else's stayed on. hope you are ok and just remember you are trying your best!

*hangry

@Bobbiebigbum

check if your disabled child is receiving the right support for him at school as what I tend to find is that my disabled child suffers all the injustices that disabled children have to suffer in the school environment, day in and day out, and then offloads all her pent-up frustrations at home.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head there @SmaugMum. He manages brilliantly in school but I think as yuu say there are subtle daily injustices that are affecting his sense of self. It's not really a school that majors on diversity of needs. They do the statutory minimum. He came home from school the other day saying he could end it (his life) because he started life on the wrong foot with a disability. Something is going on in his mind. Later after a stint on YouTube he says he loves his life. I just don't know whether to get help as he blows so hot and cold that I don't know if he's just saying words. Thanks for all the supportive words so far. It's helping a lot.

My DS are all Autistic and have anxiety. Middle DS, who also has sensory processing disorder, especially finds being out in the world hard, it's overwhelming for him. If he's had a bad day it takes all his emotional regulation to just get through the school day then he unloads at home. Something to consider, but firm boundaries are still part of the solution. If school is effecting him negatively I'd be speaking to them to see what changes can be made to help him cope better. DS8 says things like that. He has anxiety and panic disorder as well as being Autistic. Anxiety can present as anger. My DC do better with a predictable routine and boundaries. I'd recommend putting those in place and seeking help with this. It won't harm and it might help.

@Bobbiebigbum

check if your disabled child is receiving the right support for him at school as what I tend to find is that my disabled child suffers all the injustices that disabled children have to suffer in the school environment, day in and day out, and then offloads all her pent-up frustrations at home.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head there @SmaugMum. He manages brilliantly in school but I think as yuu say there are subtle daily injustices that are affecting his sense of self. It's not really a school that majors on diversity of needs. They do the statutory minimum. He came home from school the other day saying he could end it (his life) because he started life on the wrong foot with a disability. Something is going on in his mind. Later after a stint on YouTube he says he loves his life. I just don't know whether to get help as he blows so hot and cold that I don't know if he's just saying words. Thanks for all the supportive words so far. It's helping a lot.

I know what you mean, my DS has packed a bag to run away, has opened the front door to go and just hidden behind our wall, he often says he wants to die, he hates his life, home, us. Wants a different family. I think most of it is words, he wants a reaction and wants to wind us up and has actually told me he enjoys my angry face. I have fallen for this many times but sometimes no matter how hard you try it's hard to keep your cool.

Whether it's just words or not it's a cry for help. My DS is impeccably behaved around others at school and no one ever believes me when I say what he can be like. But I think like your child he had to be 'good' for so long at school, he had to meet so many expectations at school and behave a certain way that when he got home it was a release for him. He could be 100% himself, which is a good thing I guess even thought at times I am ashamed to admit I didn't like that self.

We held off getting help for years as he's not that bad in the sense he's not totally off the rails and isn't violent or swearing but definitely has an emotional need we aren't meeting. I blame myself that we didn't teach him how to deal with his emotions when he was younger, I took the hard line and put it down to bad behaviour that could be fixed rather than an unhappy boy who is struggling. I deeply regret that and now we are trying to reverse that which is hard. I reasoned that a counsellor can only be a positive thing, even if it's a very expensive way for him just to have someone to talk too. I grew up with problems and emotional issues and low self esteem and I didn't want it escalating like it did for me.

Parenting classes would probably help your confidence in drawing boundaries and managing your own issues that are affecting your relationship with your son. He's not a neanderthal, he's a kid. He's not perfect, he needs boundaries, he also needs to see you think the best of him.

Look into triple p, mellow parenting or similar.

@Twoforthree

I learnt not to react when the red mist came down with my ds. I just let him rage with a “we’ll talk about this when we are all calm”. If I got angry myself, then it just escalated the situation. Later we would talk, often after he came to apologise first, and then we would discuss consequences if they were called for and/or how the situation could have been handled better.

Things improved after I realised this.

Does your DS handle the situation better next time? Does that work? We have had hours and hours of talking with my son about this, how he's feeling, the reasons for his behaviour, why mummy/daddy reacted as they did, how we could all react differently next time. What calm down strategies he could use when he feels himself getting upset/angry. He can talk the talk but when that next time comes he does exactly the same thing time and time again. Even if I remind him of the chat we had, the outcome and consequences of what happened last time, the rewards he got when he did x last time, offering him to calm down and have x toy to help him calm down, it's all forgotten. In the heat of the moment he can't think rationally and can't process that information. It's a red mist that he's right and he's so very stubborn. You can't reason with him.

Boundaries? Discipline? Frustrating him (delayed gratification).

@Bobbiebigbum

Its easy to say set boundaries but day to day it can be hard to think what that looks like and how you make it happen!

Exactly this. I think I'm so worn down from the daily grind. @MildredPuppy
Thank you for the tips.

I get this.

You're worn down because you're too soft (non judgemental - I'm the same) and he's knows that if he consistently pushing boundaries he will get the result he wants.

He needs to learn that no matter how much he wants something behaving badly means he won't get it.

You lose your s**t once a month because it's all building up. You're not a robot.

Implement boundaries and you will eventually see better behaviour and you will be happier too.

The government guidelines are two hours max per day which as a parent is up to you to follow of you think it's right.

Good luck op you can do this.

If your broadband is through virgin you can isolate tech device by device. If you have apple devices hou can control screen time from your own phone.

I’ll say this: 9 is horrible age. This was the discussion of the y5 mums tonight at school, all trying to out-twat each other with our horrible disrespectful little pests. You’re not alone.

Lucas
He’d still get the rages but he would nearly always come to apologise afterwards. You are right, all rational thinking goes out of the window so I’d remove myself from the situation then deal with it later.
The difference was that I learnt not to get emotionally involved so it wouldn’t escalate. I’d physically move to a different room. In the heat of the moment he’d be untalkable to. His behaviour was always dealt with, but only when everyone was calm.
Eventually he grew out of the rages and is a very balanced 19 year old now. He over reacts occasionally still, but it’s quite rare. We have a great relationship.

It didn’t change his behaviour at the time, but by changing my reaction, meant that the situation was defused. Far less tension in the house.

Do you know what @Bobbiebigbum, I don't agree with all of these posters jabbering on about tech etc.

I think your DS just sounds like he needs a way of managing and expressing his emotions. Especially with what you said about his experience at school. Is your younger child disabled as well? I wonder perhaps if that is fueling jealousy within him if your other child is not.

My DS is 8 and it is a challenging age. Especially with Covid thrown into the mix. There is a lot more pressure at school now along with just being back at school. My DS struggles to concentrate in school and he was doing well home schooling one to one. Some days he comes home obviously overwhelmed and exhausted. I try to give him time and space to himself to wind down. But I also try to encourage him to talk if I think something is bothering him.

Generally when he does act up, it's because he's feeling left out or something has upset him. It's hard in the haze of day to day life and trying to get the kids out the door to school so I can work, but I find if I pause and give him a cuddle and just five minutes undivided time of my attention, it helps to calm him down.

@Flowerclock

Do you know what *@Bobbiebigbum*, I don't agree with all of these posters jabbering on about tech etc.

I think your DS just sounds like he needs a way of managing and expressing his emotions. Especially with what you said about his experience at school. Is your younger child disabled as well? I wonder perhaps if that is fueling jealousy within him if your other child is not.

My DS is 8 and it is a challenging age. Especially with Covid thrown into the mix. There is a lot more pressure at school now along with just being back at school. My DS struggles to concentrate in school and he was doing well home schooling one to one. Some days he comes home obviously overwhelmed and exhausted. I try to give him time and space to himself to wind down. But I also try to encourage him to talk if I think something is bothering him.

Generally when he does act up, it's because he's feeling left out or something has upset him. It's hard in the haze of day to day life and trying to get the kids out the door to school so I can work, but I find if I pause and give him a cuddle and just five minutes undivided time of my attention, it helps to calm him down.

I agree. I find this too. For all those saying take the tech away, he needs a routine and boundaries, it's not that simple. I had very strong boundaries and was pretty strict with my son, taking things away and trying to do rewards too. It got to the point where we were at loggerheads all the time, the day was a series of consequences as one consequence escalated his behaviour which led to another consequence and even I got myself in a muddle as to the original reason for the consequence. My ds constantly fought against it. Simply it didn't work. In hindsight much more time trying to understand him, talk to him, show him other ways of showing him how to show and deal with his emotions would have been better. There are some children who just want to push the boundaries regardless.

@Twoforthree

Lucas He’d still get the rages but he would nearly always come to apologise afterwards. You are right, all rational thinking goes out of the window so I’d remove myself from the situation then deal with it later. The difference was that I learnt not to get emotionally involved so it wouldn’t escalate. I’d physically move to a different room. In the heat of the moment he’d be untalkable to. His behaviour was always dealt with, but only when everyone was calm. Eventually he grew out of the rages and is a very balanced 19 year old now. He over reacts occasionally still, but it’s quite rare. We have a great relationship.

That's reassuring, thanks. I have had sleepless nights worrying about what will become of my son.

Yes, that's exactly what we do- wish I had used this technique years ago. Sometimes he follows as he wants to wind the situation up but mostly it works very well in allowing him to try to self regulate and then have a more normal discussion about it later when we are both rational. As a result we have a much closer relationship too and I understand him so much more. He respects and responds to me so much better too as I am not just taking things away from him, I am giving him space and time and comfort.

Exactly lucas

My friends son was similar and now at 16, he’s coming through it.

It took us a while to realise that was the best way of dealing with it all. I certainly wish I’d realised sooner. I hope our experiences help others.

I think establishing boundaries and removing tech are not mutually exclusive. I think if as the OP says the immediate thing he does when he goes home is to go on a screen and then comes down to eat and is physically aggressive with his brother and then goes back on the tech after dinner and then is argumentative about bedtime. I think looking at the activity in between the negative interaction is relevant.
I apologise if I have read that wrong in terms of the amount of screen time
What I have found with my children is my connection with them and attentive communication with them has changed massively since I removed the tech. My youngest had terrible unmanageable rages removing the tech has stopped the raging altogether. Literally completely stopped it. My eldest 9 who had started to seem really depressed is so much happier and less agitated. I would not have believed it unless I saw it for myself.
It isn’t about trying to make your life more difficult it is just worth looking at anything and it might really help.
My kids were enraged and revolting when I took the tech away but both have said to me unprompted that although they miss it they feel much better without it. They also play loads more together, and spend loads more time in the garden,
Their age gap is almost identical to your two.
I think downtime after school is important to let off steam but I think tech internalizes the stress rather than letting it out.

@CaraherEIL thanks for your view of it. I'm feeling so bad about taking it away and his birthday is coming up and he's still asking for a new console (nearly 3 weeks without) he's annoying his little brother by playing on his iPad now so I'm wondering whether to take that away too but it affects the little one much more differently than the older nearly 8 year old. Yesterday I forced them out in the garden and they stayed for hours ! Much healthier..next thing to tackle is the food after watching what are we feeding out kids eek.
@Bobbiebigbum hope you are ok x