7yo Son won’t go after the ball or tackle at football

[Folicky]

7yo son is in a football training session with 3 other children from his class. But even when he was the closest person to the ball, he doesn’t go for it. We waits for someone else (from either team) to come and get the ball and then chases after then. He’s exhausted at the end and his little school friends are becoming more distant. He does this with other contact sports. Although fights very robustly with older male cousins, etc

One thing he says is he’s worried that he’ll miss the ball, but I’m not totally buying that. We live near a football pitch and went there during lockdown and he’d rather be in goal having me shoot goals at him than the other way around. What it looks like is: he’s afraid another player will be angry with him if he gets the ball and they want it , so avoids going for the ball... takes himself out of all of this by going into goal.

I’m worried this will affect his friendships and his self esteem.

Anyone else have a son like this? What type of things helped? How did it turn out?

He clearly hates football.
If I can make them judgement from one short post on Mumsnet, why on earth can't you see it?!

All teams need a good goalie...its an important role as a goalie can help you win or lose games. If he wants to do that then great and focus on goalkeeper skills.

Yes he probably wants to be social with his friends from school, so understand the desire to keep him in and playing. Sounds like he has low confidence though and that needs to be tackled(sorry)...could his footy coach do a few 121 sessions, to give him some tips and help build that in-game confidence?

@Folicky

He was embarrassed. I was too but he offered that thought himself. He felt he was letting the team down. I have some concerns because the boys from school that he likes play these sports so this will mean a lot of the time at lunch and break he won't be able to play with them and will be all on his Jack Jones. I don't think this concern is outlandish, I think we want them to have friends and be included.

Well yes we do, but we also want to teach them that the right friends for them will accept them for who they are. Op you seem completely invested in making him better at football in order for him to be accepted. Whilst your lad, it sounds like, has little real aptitude or interest in it. Stop pushing the football, I know it's important to some people but at the end of the day it's only a game and not worth affecting his self esteem over.

And incidentally I've been in your shoes and we immediately stopped the football training. He was so relieved
Ds instead pursued his other interests, drawing, skateboarding etc with our full support and encouragement.

He's now a fit & healthy 16 yr old who's popular amongst his peers.
More importantly he's happy.

I think this is all about you, so maybe take a good luck at your own motivations and behaviour. It's pretty vile to be 'embarrassed' about your son's sporting prowess, and I've no doubt he's picking up on that.

I'm assuming you're his dad, btw. I'd be really surprised if a woman posted this. There won't be any magic bullet to 'solve' this non-issue. leave him be, and find things he is interested in. Poor kid.

My ds(8) is terrible at football and has absolutely no interest in it.

At a recent sports event he was chosen to be one of two "captains" picking the teams. He chose all the children who "usually get left till last" to make them feel good. Then he was quite surprised that they lost every game

It hasn't affected his ability to make friends in the slightest.

My son was like this. We stopped and moved on to tennis then cricket. Loved both of them and takes part much better. They’re calmer sports but still active. Life’s too short.

My DS is nearly 20. Never showed any interest in playing football. He'd join in a kick about with mates at school (although I never saw this so don't know how much he was involved) but he never had any training. HE still had lots of friends though.

I hate this idea that you're a boy so must play football. It seems so weird. My DH isn't remotely interested either so there was no pressure on DS.

My DS has always disliked sports like football and would never join a kick about. He has plenty of friends and is a happy chap. His friends are pretty nerdy, they play cards and chess and have a lot of laughs and banter.

We’re all different.

My ds2 is a bit like this, but we found him a great team. A mixed bag of abilities bug very inclusive. He isn't great, but he enjoys playing football, isn't competitive and is much better over the years. I would have happily given it up, but despite being afraid of a tackle he has now turned out to be a pretty strong defender when he wants to be. Don't be embarrassed by his lack of talent, instead just enjoy it for what it is , a bit of exercise and kick about with mates x

Mine has always played and loved football but for years he would never tackle or attempt to tackle an opponent. It was a confidence thing and also I think he was a bit scared of get hurt but it came to him eventually and he doesn't shy away from anything!

@dementedpixie

Maybe football isn't for him. Try a different sport

Or possibly no sport at all. Boys don't have to like sport.

Let him play in goal or do whatever he wants to do!

My DS (now 14) is very sport and has done a quite a few contact sports over the years. Started at football and is now playing rugby. We’ve seen so many kids come week in week out because their parents want them to, they clearly didn’t enjoy and were never going to massively improve. Don’t be that parent, the other kids and parents will start to get frustrated as they get older. I know they say., it’s all about having fun etc but it’s not much fun if the kids are constantly playing a player down as one player doesn’t get involved.

Sounds like he's very sensitive/empathetic, and not competitive - he doesn't want other people to feel bad so would rather let them win.

Maybe talk to him about it being ok to win, and other people's feelings aren't his responsibility, even though it's lovely how considerate he is.

Just don't push him into doing competitive activities when those aren't his thing.

Lots of children are not into sport but manage to get through the lunch breaks without any problems.

Ds used to like football training and the idea of it all (due to an older brother) but held back in matches and just didnt like the competitive side he is like this with any kind of competition. Allowing him to stop football allowed him to feel confident with us to say when he didn't want to join in something and we would listen. He has lots of friends and they play lots of different games at school break time - tennis, hula hoops, games with balls and general imaginative games.
Could it be the competition not the contact that's the issue?

Also on the lunchtime football. My eldest ds is a very confident football player, plays in a team etc but doesnt play at school break time. He says that's where the arguments are so he chooses to play with his friends instead (a mixture of footballers and non footballers). Playig football or not shouldn't have an impact at lunchtime and if so you would need to address it with the school as an issue

Is his eyesight good?
Thing is if he never gets the ball he will be pretty useless when he does get it.
If he is happy to can you take him out to practice dribbling the ball , kicking to another player (you), shooting. Kids pick things up quite quickly if he knew what to do once he got it he might be more adventurous.

He’ll find his ‘thing’, we all have something

Not all boys like football.

My son doesn't like contact sports either. He's asked to try Cricket, and there's lots of short taster courses about to start for that (Dynamos for slightly older kids and another name for the younger ones)

With his friends- it's tricky becauseat some schools it seems like all the kids play, but you'll find there are other kids that aren't into football either. Some tactical playdates can help new friendships blossom.

Seems like he can still play with his current friends if he volunteers to be in goal though?

Also to add - my younger boy loves watching football, and always plays at school at break and lunch with his friends, but he hated football clubs (weekend, after school etc) and just did not want to be involved. He was a bit too young and shy. Kids can still play football with their friends even if they aren’t doing it as a “proper” hobby. And mine only got into football at school in y5 ish.

Thank you for the helpful advice. We're going to try some dribbling and passing tomorrow. And if he doesn't want to go he can stop. I hear everyone about finding what he enjoys. He might be more of a running, tennis, piano guy - so I'll try those things with him... he's shown some interest. He is a good swimmer and before lockdown was good at Taekwondo although not the tiger tail chasing at the end! Thanks again

Does he enjoy it? That’s the main thing. If he enjoys playing just leave him to it. My husband has coached his team since they were u6s. Some of them were a bit like your son and have developed. Just leave him to it IF he enjoys playing.