7yo Son won’t go after the ball or tackle at football

[Folicky]

7yo son is in a football training session with 3 other children from his class. But even when he was the closest person to the ball, he doesn’t go for it. We waits for someone else (from either team) to come and get the ball and then chases after then. He’s exhausted at the end and his little school friends are becoming more distant. He does this with other contact sports. Although fights very robustly with older male cousins, etc

One thing he says is he’s worried that he’ll miss the ball, but I’m not totally buying that. We live near a football pitch and went there during lockdown and he’d rather be in goal having me shoot goals at him than the other way around. What it looks like is: he’s afraid another player will be angry with him if he gets the ball and they want it , so avoids going for the ball... takes himself out of all of this by going into goal.

I’m worried this will affect his friendships and his self esteem.

Anyone else have a son like this? What type of things helped? How did it turn out?

He was embarrassed. I was too but he offered that thought himself. He felt he was letting the team down. I have some concerns because the boys from school that he likes play these sports so this will mean a lot of the time at lunch and break he won't be able to play with them and will be all on his Jack Jones. I don't think this concern is outlandish, I think we want them to have friends and be included.

Why does he need to become competitive and want to win? Can't he just join in and let others win if that's what he wants to do? Why would he feel embarrassed?
I'm not sure what you want from him really.

He sounds like a sweet boy who maybe doesn't like competitive sports .

Have you asked him what he activities he would like to do ? Drawing ? Canoeing ? Sewing? Archery ? Running ? Chilling at home ?

Do what makes him happy

I only have one sporty child but he doesn’t like team games much at all. Gymnastics, swimming, climbing and martial arts are all good in the sense that you are with people and can make friends and be a bit social but there isn’t the working together element that team ball games have. Climbing is a brilliant sport for building confidence (and strength) and most climbing centres will have supervised Saturday morning sessions for children.

My DS(6) is the same OP, and I think I understand where you are coming from. It's not that I give a crap whether he's good at football, but...not going after the ball when that is the game that's being played?

In his case I see the same lack of push in other areas. When stuff is being handed out he stands back and waits for his turn, then gets upset when he's overlooked because often if you don't step up and take your turn, you don't get anything.

It is worrying when you have a child who just doesn't have that drive to reach out and take what is in front of them. Other children seem to do this automatically. I don't know what the answer is though.

I do get the social thing. There does seem to be an over-emphasis on football at playtime in some schools.

One I worked at actually banned football for a few playtimes a week because it took up all the space, caused endless arguments that spilled into lessons and excluded children who weren't into it.

We lead games of dodgeball, got the skipping ropes out or played other games on those days and it made things more harmonious and allowed the non-footballing children to play unhindered by balls flying in their faces.

I have known plenty of boys who didn't join in with football at playtimes and all of them had friends.

My oldest was similar at that age, scared of upsetting or tackling anyone... Now 12 and plays in defence for his team so as his confidence has grown so has his ability. For info he asked to play was never forced to play. He has had a few 1.1 sessions and done holiday courses to improve his confidence on the ball too.

I’m sure there will be kids that don’t play football at school break time. Also, he could also volunteer to be in goal.

My son is/was like this with football.

He's an elite swimmer who is aiming for para Olympics.

He has plenty of friends through interests in subjects and his swimming.

He's also autistic and likes his own space etc.

Kids will be who they want to be not who we think think they should be.

Don't try and force something because you are worried he'll have no friends. Once they hit secondary school of 1000+ pupils less than 10% will be playing football at break and lunch. That's a huge whole other bunch of people who has things in common with to befriend.

Not much different in Primary except it takes some kids longer to do what makes them happy rather than what they think they should be doing. Encourage him to be happy for being him.

You can’t go through your life pretending to enjoy something you don’t enjoy and working to fit in with people you don’t fit in with. Do what you enjoy and the friends will come. You don’t catch adults playing five a side when they hate football and want to be at a pottery class or canoeing. If a friendship is based on mutual interest then the interest has to be mutual.

It sounds as if his interest is rather in goalkeeping. I don't think that this shows he is not suitable for football. Tackling is only one skill of many, and on the other hand, a boy who insists on always aggressively grabbing the ball wouldn't be that suitable for football anyway. What did the coach say? Is ds otherwise keen about football?

Some schools have limited playground football because of this - it creates a massive clique (and often completely dominates the little available space available to the detriment of girls who then just stand around chatting because there's no space to run around).

If all that happens in your son's playground is football and he doesn't want to play football, then that is a perfectly legitimate concern to take back to the school.

But the training sounds miserable for him and you should stop it. There are literally hundreds of other things to try - I'd book him in for a multi sport camp for a few days in the summer holidays where he can try lots of things.

Cricket is brilliant - my DNeice and DNephew go to a local cricket club and it's so well organised. Parkour is also beyond good for non-competitive DCs because it's about working with and within your own body.

Loads of things to try, but don't make him keep going with football, and if giving up football has an overly detrimental affect on his school life then manage that with school, in other words.

@Shadedog

You can’t go through your life pretending to enjoy something you don’t enjoy and working to fit in with people you don’t fit in with. Do what you enjoy and the friends will come. You don’t catch adults playing five a side when they hate football and want to be at a pottery class or canoeing. If a friendship is based on mutual interest then the interest has to be mutual.

This.

I suspect it’s more about the OPs need to make his son into a mini me and less about the son’s welfare.

@Folicky - do you have any insight into why you can’t just let your son be who he is and not force him to be the way you want him to be ?

What was your family like when you were growing up ? Did your own parents force you to do hobbies that you didn’t like for their own gratification?

OP, he sounds like a sweet boy who is empathetic and aware of others feelings. Well done on that! However, I totally understand what you are saying and my eldest was exactly the same...I would be encouraging him gently from the sideline but he he was too wary of upsetting someone else by tackling. It sorted itself out gradually but I think he was helped by having an excellent PE teacher and football coach who encouraged him with humour and didn’t make him feel self conscious about it. A year later, he tackles with the best of them!

He was embarrassed. I was too but he offered that thought himself.

Why would you be embarrassed by your own child?

If he's excluded at school because playtime is all about football you can take that back to the school.

If he just hates football/contact sports that's a valid choice.

If he had been a girl, at this age he would likely have had no exposure to a contact sport at all and been taken to ballet, dance and gymnastics and been perfectly happy. Or just hated all sport, which is also a valid choice.

And if his friends exclude him because he doesn't like football, then they're not friends are they? Every good team needs a good goalie.

If he prefers doing that, there's your compromise.

Why do you need him to "win"?

If he likes football,but prefers being a goalie let him do that.
If he doesn't like it at all,find something else.

Friendships are built on more than just football ability, and not all boys in a class will be football mad.

You were embarrassed by your 7 year old? Christ give him a break.

Don't lose heart. Guys have come from worse beginnings and ended up in goal for Scotland.

Our son never enjoyed football (playing or watching). He’s a lovely, very well balanced, socially comfortable young adult now. Let him try something else.

Just read your update. Don’t understand at all why you would be “embarrassed”. There’s no law that kids must enjoy team sports.

I've hated playing sports my entire life. I'm a healthy, active adult and have plenty of friends. I don't understand why you think he has a problem.

If he wants to be goalie why can’t he be goalie

It is after all an essential role in the team and skilled in itself. Goalies can win or lose matches, just the same as the goal scorers.

Or maybe he just doesnt like contact sports, its not obligatory.

OP, it sounds like he enjoys being active but he feels uncomfortable about the winning / losing nature of most sports?

I think this is normal and nothing to worry about. My DS was similar at that age - I remember watching him in a swimming race and he was looking round to see how the other kids were getting on. I was thinking "just swim!". He's 15 now and has definitely found his competitive streak!

At this age it doesn't matter whether he's good or bad, if he wins or loses. Encourage him to play if he's enjoying it and let him stop if not.