Am I expecting too much?

[stephens12]

So basically, just want to know if I'm expecting too much.

My ds is 10mo and has never been babysat by anybody so I can relax. My mum has looked after him twice for a couple of hours but that was for me to clean the house and the other time for me to pack the house to move.

My partner works 7 days a week most weeks so I basically do it all on my own. I'm at a point where I'd just LOVE nothing more than for my mum to offer to take care of him, even for a couple of hours just so I can sit down for a bit. Or so me and my partner could actually spend some time together.

She sees him regularly with me there, but just never on their own.

Am I expecting too much from her? Or do kids grandparents usually babysit regularly?

Thanks 😊

I think you should just ask your mum. My in laws rarely offer to have DD but if I ask they Jump at the chance and always say how much they’ve enjoyed having her. I generally only ever ask when I’m at work but have occasionally asked my mum to babysit for a bit of me time. DD is 2 and I think I’ve asked my mum to have her 3 times so I can have lunch with friends or take my dogs for a really long walk without a toddler getting bored halfway.
Yes it would be better if your partner could reduce his working days a little but sometimes things come up that can’t be helped. I wouldn’t be happy if working 7 days become the normal though but could put up with it for a short period.
Ask your mum.

I was back at work part time by the time my eldest was your son's age and my mum looked after two days a week. Later on, in laws (who were a lot younger than my mother), did child minding.

If I wanted a little time to myself my husband would have our baby on his own, no problem; didn't think twice about it. I didn't expect mum or in laws to have the baby at times other than when I worked because they did enough already.

It all seemed to happen naturally and worked out very well with both my children.

Maybe your husband is stuck in an old fashioned mindset, i.e. the mother is in charge of caring for children, father brings home the bacon.
I cannot remember anyone looking after me except my mother, apart from one or two exceptional occasions. However she did have a lot of family around and they seemed to be present a lot of the time, she liked their company and chat & wasn't much of a loner. My dad was at work and arrived home at 6.10pm on the dot every night. He loved and played with me, especially at weekends and on holiday, but didn't go out on his own often, neither did mum.

You really do need to address this with your husband, he has to step up so you can have time to be just you. However, if he works seven days a week, that may not happen very often.

Be upfront and ask your mother to help you. By now she will be used to your baby. Two to three hours or so is not a lot to ask for her to babysit, even if all you do is bathe and sleep! Your baby also needs to be used to her and it would be nice to facilitate at grandma's house for a change.

Good luck op!! Seriously I think you are going to need it....

I would absolutely not be happy with my partner working 7 day weeks no matter how temporary. My husband is the managing director of a division of one of the biggest global investment banks and would absolutely work 7 days per week if I let him but I've made that very clear that it's not on, not even temporarily, not even for one week. He does breakfast and bath time with my child every day and most of the weekend care, I obviously do the rest of the week.

With your mum, just ask her directly if she can do one day per week or something so you can have a rest. If she says no then it's a little off but I wouldn't say unreasonable as childcare falls on the parents not the grandparents.

Have you actually asked her OP?

Am I expecting too much from her? Or do kids grandparents usually babysit regularly?

This depends on the family, my children are 6 and 4 and grandparents have never babysat, on the other hand my neighbour's mum has her grandchildren 5 days a week so there is no normal.

Why are you ‘hinting’? Surely both you and your mum are adults, just ask her. But please do include the sentence ‘don’t feel like you have to say yes if you don’t want to’ after it. My parents had absolutely no help from extended family when we were little (except one aunt who used to babysit during labours), and I’d love my mum to help with my future children, but I also understand she’ll be an adult who can say no if she wants. They’ve all done their fair share of parenting, without any help, so all I can do is ask. Not hint 😉

Just ask your mum?

If as a couple you can afford an expensive gym membership, you could also afford a morning of professional childcare once a week.

I think that the grandparent position of balancing out helping and interfering is a difficult one know exactly where the mother is. And one in which hinting isnt helpful.

OP just ask your mum

but I hint ALL the time!

Why?! You are an adult capable of speech.

Just ask her-then you’ll know.

My baby is 6 months and my mum doesn’t offer to have her but, if I needed her to, I’d just ask! I’m sure if she was free, she’d say yes. Just ask!

If you have a gym membership with a crèche and Your partner is working all the time, why do you need a babysitter?

Stephens12 'This really wasn't a post to have my partner slagged off 😂 I just wanted to know if I could expect anymore from my mum!*'

• So, basically, you were expecting us to slagg off your mum, not your brilliant fiance?

I would advocate finding a nursery locally which does something like 2 mornings a week. I know this is money out, but it really is a great age to do this. They start to get regular interactions with the same and slightly older children each week, my nursery also taught added bonuses like climbing and descending stairs, eating with spoons independently and some makaton. He's also now a
super sociable soul. Mine went from 7 months even though my business was really quiet (COVID) and I was on maternity. The benefit of the regularity is also...you can plan to leave bits through the week to when you have that morning. However he doesn't stay afternoons because frankly he sleeps a good 2 hours after all that fun, he can do that on my time .

Just recently at 14 months, my mum is taking baby a little more when I need to go to appointments or even random stuff like joining a friend sea swimming, but it is always very ad hoc and I agree to be back as soon as he has an extended grumpy period. I think it's really a Granny's privilege to pick the good bits. Plus COVID caution got in the way of her doing much before.

Good luck, you'll find your balance.

I haven't read the replies as it appears to have gone a bit off track. But have you asked your mum for help? She is within her rights to say no of course before anyone jumps on that, but there is no harm confiding in her and asking if she could babysit once a month or so.

Will you be going back to work? Honestly in that situation I would consider going back to work in order to get a break! I've never found work + children more difficult than I did on maternity leave.

Have you asked your mum? I didn’t leave dd1 until she was over a year old. Dm saw Dd lots but with me better too. I think Dd was about 12 months when mum had her for me all day while I went somewhere. I’d just ask dm if she would be happy to watch baby while you do xyz.

@stephens12 sorry to go against the grain of those saying you're being controlled etc etc - for what it's worth I think you have an incredibly supportive OH. Like you, mine is working his arse off 7 days a week to ensure that as a family unit (to be) we have everything we need and still pulls his weight at home ( more than me TBH at the moment due to some savage morning sickness/exhaustion).

There are so many threads on here 'oh my OH does nothing, drink/drugs and so on and on' and the consensus is that he's a twat/leave him. Then when you get a good one, that's still not good enough - not sure what sort of bloody unicorn man some of these posters expect!

As for your mum, a lot of people need a gentle (big elbow) comment. My mum loves to have my niece and nephew but always feels like she'd be insulting/stepping on my bro and SIL toes by suggesting she have them (she's a strange one though )

Oh and the gym membership- if it's nice enough to have a crèche it may have a coffee shop, sauna etc which would be bliss.

Op you’re answering all the posts about your dp but loads of us have asked if you’ve actually even asked your mum to have your son more???

It’s a very different situation if you’ve asked and she’s said no than if you’ve just hinted or hoped and she hasn’t picked up on that. If you haven’t asked then just do it and see what she says surely?!?