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Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

93 replies

stephens12 · 03/05/2021 06:21

So basically, just want to know if I'm expecting too much.

My ds is 10mo and has never been babysat by anybody so I can relax. My mum has looked after him twice for a couple of hours but that was for me to clean the house and the other time for me to pack the house to move.

My partner works 7 days a week most weeks so I basically do it all on my own. I'm at a point where I'd just LOVE nothing more than for my mum to offer to take care of him, even for a couple of hours just so I can sit down for a bit. Or so me and my partner could actually spend some time together.

She sees him regularly with me there, but just never on their own.

Am I expecting too much from her? Or do kids grandparents usually babysit regularly?

Thanks 😊

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KnobJockey · 03/05/2021 07:12

So, you did know that your partner had a busy job before you had a baby, did you expect your mum to step up and take up the slack he's leaving? It's hard, I'm sorry, I know it is, but it's a factor you should be realistic about- she doesn't want to, so it's on you.

I have an 19 month that my mum has had once for emergency work care, and once while I got my hair done. My MIL has also done 2 hours while we test drove a car. Neither of them bother to visit her, so as a result she sees them about once every 6 weeks when we make a visit down, but has had months of no visits during lockdown. I spent the day just with DP for the first time since she was born last week- we put her in paid childcare while we had a day off work. Maybe that's an option to explore- a half day every week at s nursery while you spend time with DP or time alone?

Original poster
stephens12 · 03/05/2021 07:12

@ivfgottwins thank you!!!! 🙏

OP posts:
NatalieH2220 · 03/05/2021 07:14

I don't think you should expect it no but there's no harm in asking if you feel you need a break.

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QforCucumber · 03/05/2021 07:16

You just need to ask your mum.
Its really not difficult, yes you're expecting too much by expecting her to be a mind reader.

MarcelineMissouri · 03/05/2021 07:22

Have you asked her??? You sound like you’re waiting for her to offer. She might be perfectly happy to do it, you don’t know. 10 months is still pretty young and she may be assuming you don’t really want to leave him yet (just like you seem to be assuming she won’t do it)

beachsidecafe · 03/05/2021 07:23

Take responsibility. Either ask your mother and/or organise another form of childcare.

Stop expecting anything from anyone ffs

Onlinedilema · 03/05/2021 07:25

Still not getting how someone can be a great dad and yet not spend one single day a week with their child.
Would you say the same of a mother?
I get the impression that you don’t work and are younger than your partner.
He pays for your gym membership- why not pay for it yourself?
Again he isn’t looking after his child is he, the crèche is.
Not meaning to have a go at you op, but unless your dp is Joe Biden then I’m at a loss as to why he is working 7 days a week when he has a baby to look after.
As for your mum just ask her she will either say yes or no. Perhaps she assumes you want to be the sole carer for your child so doesn’t think you need her to babysit.

beachsidecafe · 03/05/2021 07:32

I would be worried that he is missing the chance to bond with his baby too.

Original poster
stephens12 · 03/05/2021 07:33

Woah, everyone needs to chill out a bit really without understanding the situation 😂 I've said in my comments how my partner is and seeing as he's my partner everyone should take my word for it no?? I'm no younger than my partner I'm actually a year older, and he's paying for a gym membership with a crèche because right now for the next month he can't go back down to 6 days a week. Also, how do you propose I pay for it myself when I am a SAHM??

Didn't realise people would get so frustrated and so sure they knew my partner and situation better than me 😐

OP posts:
custardbear · 03/05/2021 07:37

Just ask your mum I'm sure she'd jump at the chance, as much as you'd jump at the chance for some me-time.

Ask her and perhaps see if you can set an afternoon every week or two if she's able?

We all need me-time

nimbuscloud · 03/05/2021 07:38

Didn't realise people would get so frustrated and so sure they knew my partner and situation better than me

I think it might be because there are many threads on MN where a woman has a baby and is suddenly left to do everything- child and house related. Add in that she is not married, has given up work or gone part time and is not secure housing wise.
It’s great that doesn’t apply to you.
Ask your mother directly would she babysit.

Oenanthe · 03/05/2021 07:39

Suit yourself OP.

Your partner is a paragon and your mum (but obviously not your dad) should be taking your baby from you by instinct, and you should definitely expect her to do that and if she doesn't she's a right cow. Yay!

beachsidecafe · 03/05/2021 07:42

Op you are making your dp problem into everyone else's problem, if you knew in advance that he would never be at home when you had a baby together, then why didn't you speak to your family and his family in advance, and ask if they would be prepared to help? Or organise childcare in advance?

You have had over nine months to think about it. You say you took this on in full knowledge, but now expect others to get involved.

When you choose to have children, you do so in the full knowledge that they are yours and dps responsibility anything else is a bonus.

A creche in a gym is hardly the same as having a proper parent at home. The arrangement you currently have is grossly unfair on you and your child. Your dp must be a stranger to your baby, so no bonding or quality time is taking place whatsoever, this is very far from a good situation.

Checkingout811 · 03/05/2021 07:42

Yes YABU as it shouldn’t be expected. You either need to ask her or arrange a babysitter if you want a break.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2021 07:54

You’re getting these responses because of how you’ve phrased it. If you said you’re struggling with your son, need a break, your mum has already kindly had your baby so you could clean but you’d like to ask her to have him for hours so you could put your feet up, did people think that was okay, then I imagine people would have said well ask her, and hopefully she says yes. It’s the expecting that’s riled people. It’s your child, not your mum’s so you can ask but not expect and if she says no you need to accept it.

AliceW89 · 03/05/2021 07:55

You are not being unreasonable at all wanting time away from your son.

You are however, being unreasonable expecting your mother to read your mind. There are threads upon threads on MN of people complaining about overbearing parents/in laws. She’s probably trying to avoid this! You need to ask her directly how she feels.

Heads up as well, she is completely within her rights to say no. My inlaws have tons of grandchildren and are naturals with babies. They are happy to take DS out and deal with whatever having a 10 mo throws up. My parents on the hand love seeing DS but only with myself or my OH present. They are not confident with BLW or getting him to nap and that’s okay.

cptartapp · 03/05/2021 08:03

My DM could easily have gone three or four weeks and not have seen her GC. She lived ten minutes away. Stories of GP clamouring to have their GC alone always baffle me. They never had a sleepover ever at her house. In fact the first 'childcare' we had without paying for it was when they went to school.
I came to the conclusion that although she loved them she didn't enjoy the company of young children.
However DH and I were in it together. There lies your real problem. What's his job?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2021 08:08

You are in absolute classic mumsnet thread area here - SAHM who is doing everything, no security of marriage, unable to access family money to pay own gym membership (can you pay for anything yourself out of the money he earns?), serious lack of parenting on your partners part, an assumption that others should step in where he is failing....

It's just Groundhog Day on here some times.

blueandcream · 03/05/2021 08:08

What his job is is not relevant.

At the moment he is working for seven days. The OP knows this. She is happy with this.

She needs to ask her mum for help, yes.

blueandcream · 03/05/2021 08:08

Providing for a child is parenting.

ivfgottwins · 03/05/2021 08:14

Didn't realise people would get so frustrated and so sure they knew my partner and situation better than me 😐

Because it doesn't matter what he does according to MN he's a man and therefore useless / an abuser / the devil 👿 / all his fault and you should immediately LTB. Doesn't matter if he's the greatest father on earth who is more than happy to provide for the family financially and he worships the ground you walk on. You should know on MN that a man can never never win

Original poster
stephens12 · 03/05/2021 08:14

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz what a useless comment.

No we're not married. We're engaged. I have full access to all the 'family money'. My partner gives me money every week when he gets paid for me to do with what I please and if I ever need anything more he will give it to me straight away. He never questions and it's basically 'our' money not his.

OP posts:
Original poster
stephens12 · 03/05/2021 08:16

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz p.s the only reason we aren't married yet is due to coronavirus.

OP posts:
carrieeee · 03/05/2021 08:16

Just ask your mum, I'm sure she will be more than happy.
Could you send your little one to nursery or a Childminder's 1 day/morning a week, you then have a set day you know you will get a rest.
My daughter would do 9-12, it was just enough time for me to get jobs done & chill and she also loved it.

ivfgottwins · 03/05/2021 08:17

Just ignore @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz she clearly has serious man issues - christ since when does a man paying for his partners gym membership constitute abuse??? 🤷‍♀️

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