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Parenting

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Original poster

I just let my baby cry herself to sleep - and now I feel terrible

63 replies

sails8 · 20/04/2021 15:39

I put my 10 month old down for a nap this afternoon. She was absolutely howling when I put her in her cot (something she does quite often) but instead of going in and out every couple of minutes to cuddle and comfort her as I usually do, I let her cry herself to sleep. It took 8 minutes in total before she was out like a light. However I now feel huge guilt and sadness that I could have really upset and traumatized her by not responding to her cries. I was just so exhausted and desperate for some alone time. Have I been cruel?

OP posts:

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rubyslippers · 20/04/2021 15:42

You haven’t been cruel and you haven’t damaged her
Of course you’re exhausted - your baby is only a few months old and those early months are very hard
Don’t beat yourself up about it - you’ve not been cruel

rubyslippers · 20/04/2021 15:43

Babies when they’re over tired can be harder to settle - sometimes leaving them to it works
She cried for a few minutes not hours and then slept ...

rubyslippers · 20/04/2021 15:44

And finally do you have a partner that can pitch in? Please get some rest for yourself
Also giving a cuddly or toy for nap times can help

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pinkywinks · 20/04/2021 15:45

Please don't worry, you won't have damaged your baby. Some babies actually respond better to being left while they're going to sleep, my DS got more and more wound up by me constantly checking on him.

It was only a few minutes so don't beat yourself up

Singlenotsingle · 20/04/2021 15:46

No of course not. She probably went off to sleep quicker than she would have done if you'd been hovering around and giving her attention.

Original poster

sails8 · 20/04/2021 15:46

She was really crying though, no doubt expecting me to come in and I didn’t answer her calls

I do have a supportive partner but he’s at work all day, so naps are down to me.

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 20/04/2021 15:49

Sometimes going in and out to them makes the problem worse, because it just disrupts their attempts to calm down and go to sleep. Sometimes babies are over tired and need less stimulation not more.
It was 8 minutes not an hour! Cut yourself some slack.

EvilOnion · 20/04/2021 15:49

I wouldn't make a habit of it but you haven't been cruel, sometimes you just need to step away from the situation and take a breather.

Overtired children are the worst kind!

Stop feeling guilty and enjoy the break :)

AliasGrape · 20/04/2021 15:57

You haven't traumatised her.
Personally with my 8.5 month old I don't ever leave her to cry and always respond but then we're still contact napping and bed sharing and, whilst overall it works for us fine, there are times when I'm exhausted and touched out and desperate to just have ten minutes to myself. It also has a knock on effect in terms of things like housework or the time I (dont) get to spend with my husband. So that's a waffly way of saying that I can totally see how you could reach that point and feel it was necessary to break the cycle.

Everyone parents differently and you'll get people on here who think babies should be sleeping independently and self settling and that leaving them to cry is the only way to do that. I'm certainly bombarded with that message from friends and family too. But it doesn't feel right to me for my baby right now. Going forward I guess it's a case of deciding whether it feels right to you - as a one off and in the context of the loving relationship you clearly have with her it won't have done any harm at all and she'll have forgotten it by the time she wakes up. The jury is out on whether continuing that method long term has any negative effects, people have different opinions but what matters is what you feel comfortable with and maybe deciding how you'll tackle it next time - you could go back to how you were doing things or look into other more gentle sleep strategies for example?

And maybe see it as a sign you need a bit more support or more of a break and look in to see if theres any way that's possible?

perfectpanda · 20/04/2021 16:02

All 3 of mine often had a good cry before they slept. I discovered by accident with my first when I nipped out for a breather. It was like she wanted me to piss off and leave her to it, as soon as I did she settled. She never screamed more than about 7 minutes. I used to have a 7 minute rule and got used to how her cry would change as she settled herself. I would only rarely need to go back in.

Megan2018 · 20/04/2021 16:06

It isn’t something I would do.
But as a one off it won’t do harm. I can’t understand why anyone does that though, I’ve never left my baby to cry.
Sometimes she does cry and I can’t console her, but I’ve stayed with her throughout.

bunglebee · 20/04/2021 16:10

It's eight minutes. Please give yourself a break.

How do you think mums of multiples manage? Or women with more than one DC? My second born often had to cry for a while because I was sorting out my first DC. Every baby there's ever been who wasn't a PFB has sometimes had to cry for 5-10mins. Do they all grow up traumatised? Nope.

Your baby isn't tiny, and if she was truly distressed she wouldn't have gone to sleep so quickly. You gave yourself the space you needed and possibly even showed your DC that she could get herself to sleep.

Original poster

sails8 · 20/04/2021 16:52

I can’t understand why anyone does that though, I’ve never left my baby to cry.

I felt like if I’d kept going back in, I’d have just prolonged the time it took her to sleep as she got more and more overtired with me picking her up every 5 minutes. But perhaps I made the wrong call.

@bunglebee thanks, that made me feel better!

OP posts:

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 20/04/2021 16:55

Your baby is going to be fine, and you will both be better for the rest!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/04/2021 16:56

No shes not going to develop schizophrenia from this episode. I developed it from being neglected, starved and beaten.
You need some perspective really.

MrsSchrute · 20/04/2021 16:57

@Megan2018

It isn’t something I would do. But as a one off it won’t do harm. I can’t understand why anyone does that though, I’ve never left my baby to cry. Sometimes she does cry and I can’t console her, but I’ve stayed with her throughout.

Why on earth would you post something like this on this thread? So, so unhelpful!

Your baby will be totally fine OP, please don't worry.

EvilOnion · 20/04/2021 17:06

@Megan2018, I'm really happy for you that you've never been pushed to the brink around your DC but lots of people are.

I don't understand how you can't understand that. Actually I do, it's a clear lack of empathy.

There were times where I had to walk away before I broke down in sobs or tried anything desperate to silence the relentless howling whilst I was physically and mentally exhausted. I suspect that would've been far worse for my baby than leaving them for a few minutes.

TuvoknotSpock · 20/04/2021 17:10

I've previously put baby down, thought "I'll just sit on the sofa and see if they settle for a minute" then woken up am hour later (child was asleep too, not sure if before or after me 😂)

FTEngineerM · 20/04/2021 17:11

Woohoo for you Megan, I’m pleased your baby hasn’t fought sleep to the point of utter exhaustion. Tips?

OP, I did that once, except he didn’t sleep so I went back in and he fell asleep on me immediately I felt awful. We’re not going to get everything right first time as parents; sometimes there literally is no right answer. We can only do what we feel is the best with that particular situation.

zippyswife · 20/04/2021 17:13

I think you did the right thing OP. 8 minutes is nothing and you'll have made life easier for you both in the long run.

user159 · 20/04/2021 17:16

Our DD gets more and more worked up the more you go in. Occasionally (usually overtired as no nap at nursery!) this will happen and I will leave her but crash around a bit outside her room so she knows I'm there. I usually put the washing away or tidy bathroom toys etc. This seems to be a good compromise for her even though it feels odd making noise deliberately when she's trying to sleep. The cry is definitely different when she just needs to sleep compared to when she is distressed.

Megan2018 · 20/04/2021 17:17

@FTEngineerM

Woohoo for you Megan, I’m pleased your baby hasn’t fought sleep to the point of utter exhaustion. Tips?

My DD has. Frequently. I stayed in the room and didn’t leave her on her own. It’s not hard.

bunglebee · 20/04/2021 17:23

You made a judgement call and the evidence suggests you were right. A hysterical, distressed baby wouldn't have dropped off so quickly. Please try not to worry any more. Babies are pretty tough creatures and grow up absolutely fine after enduring a lot worse than a mother needing to put herself first and/or letting them grizzle themselves off occasionally.

You and your needs matter too.

MrsSchrute · 20/04/2021 17:35

What are you hoping to achieve here?
The only possible reason I can see for you posting the way that you are is to make the op feel like crap. What sort of person does that make you?

MrsSchrute · 20/04/2021 17:36

@MrsSchrute

What are you hoping to achieve here? The only possible reason I can see for you posting the way that you are is to make the op feel like crap. What sort of person does that make you?

This was directed at @Megan2018

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