I just let my baby cry herself to sleep - and now I feel terrible

[sails8]

I put my 10 month old down for a nap this afternoon. She was absolutely howling when I put her in her cot (something she does quite often) but instead of going in and out every couple of minutes to cuddle and comfort her as I usually do, I let her cry herself to sleep. It took 8 minutes in total before she was out like a light. However I now feel huge guilt and sadness that I could have really upset and traumatized her by not responding to her cries. I was just so exhausted and desperate for some alone time. Have I been cruel?

The point is for some people IT IS HARD! You're better to leave a baby cry in a safe place than loose your temper.

@Tiredmum100

The point is for some people IT IS HARD! You're better to leave a baby cry in a safe place than loose your temper.

Also directed at @Megan2018

Personally I think it's more detrimental to not help your baby to get good quality sleep and learn to self settle and 8 minutes of crying is nothing ! Good sleep is so important for healthy development and there is nothing wrong with a few tears when tired at this age in fact you'll probably find they settle better for their next sleep.

When I think about my oldest who took months to get into a good sleep routine she cried so much and looking back I'm sure most of the time she was crying with exhaustion but I'd put her in her cot and worry when she cried and go back in and get her out when another couple of minutes she would have probably settled and woken up refreshed and happier .

I couldn’t do it myself but I wouldn’t think it was a problem if it’s not a continuous thing and only when you really really need to leave her.

If you DH is at work can you have someone to come in and help? If you don’t have friends or family then maybe hire someone if that’s a option to you.

Every baby there's ever been who wasn't a PFB has sometimes had to cry for 5-10mins

As a mum of multiple kids I was going to say exactly this.

How was she when she woke up? Probably happy for having had a good nap

I'm totally AP and against sleep training/cry it out in general.

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all.

Sometimes you need to take a breather and a moment for yourself. The fact she fell asleep while you did this simply means she was tired. Also, you recognised that your presence was ramping her up more rather than simply letting her relax into sleep - you followed your baby's cues, which is better than sticking rigidly to some plan that isn't working for whatever reason. I also found with DC2 that I was sometimes a bit quick to jump into needing to "fix crying" with DC1 - sometimes a step back and listening for whether it's ramping up or winding down is helpful. I would not advocate for leaving a baby who is getting more and more distressed or crying for long periods of time, but 8 minutes (even though I expect it felt like eternity) isn't a hugely long time period at all.

Don't beat yourself up, I expect it will have absolutely zero long or even short term impact!

Most of us will also do this in the car at some point because you can't always stop and get them out if you're driving and they're unhappy. It's about context.

Cry it out saved our sanity and allowed our baby to finally get a good night’s sleep. There is no good evidence whatsoever it has any negative psychological impact on a child and I still kick myself for how long I waited to do it.

So no, don’t beat yourself up, OP. The bottom line is your baby self-soothed in less than ten minutes.

I just put my son in the crib then the cot. I've never had a problem with allowing a baby to self settle or to cry for a short time. I always put my son down and left him for up to 10 minutes to settle down. If there was nothing wrong he would fall asleep within that time, nothing else was ever needed. I did that for sleeps in the day and at night. Yes he sometimes cried for a few minutes but I've never been one for not being able to let a baby cry for a few minutes. There's no need to rush straight there the second they cry IMO. I don't think cry it out or controlled crying is wrong at all, and certainly not child abuse as has been suggested on here in the past. My son has self settled from birth and slept through from 3 months. However I would NEVER EVER have left him crying for longer than 10 minutes. After that time if he hadn't settled I'd go back in and see what was wrong.

Sounds like she was desperate to sleep. Mine have done that and I've left them. I suppose you get that instinct that of when to put them straight down sometimes.

I'm not into letting babies cry but it was only 8 minutes and she then went to sleep so I can't see an issue really.

If being left for 8 minutes damaged babies, wouldn't all second children be psychopaths?!

The NHS says it's fine to leave a newborn somewhere safe and walk away for 10 mins if you need to.

I'm not suggesting we should leave babies to howl for hours, but I think sometimes it's unavoidable for a few minutes. (Do those of you who think otherwise pull over onto the hard shoulder if your baby starts crying in the car?)

Most of us will also do this in the car at some point because you can't always stop and get them out if you're driving and they're unhappy

Oh god, so many memories that I've tried to block out of listening to my PFB scream his head off for 15 minutes at a time when we were stuck in traffic. I used to sing cheery nursery rhymes for as long as I could manage then just crank Classic FM up and grit my teeth. He is a lovely, happy, and perfectly well adjusted boy now, although still kind of high-strung as he's been since the moment he popped out, despite all the time he spent screaming in a car seat.

@110APiccadilly

If being left for 8 minutes damaged babies, wouldn't all second children be psychopaths?!

The NHS says it's fine to leave a newborn somewhere safe and walk away for 10 mins if you need to.

I'm not suggesting we should leave babies to howl for hours, but I think sometimes it's unavoidable for a few minutes. (Do those of you who think otherwise pull over onto the hard shoulder if your baby starts crying in the car?)

Crying in the car seat with at least 1 person with them isn’t the same as being left to cry alone in the dark deliberately in the context of sleep.

Babies cry, no-one is suggesting that’s an issue in itself.

Oh, bore off, Megan. You can do whatever you like with your own PFB, but take it somewhere else.

@Megan2018 Everyone bow to this wonderful woman who is the most perfect mummy in the universe and simply must tell everyone on here! I'm in awe of how amazing you are at having the patience of a Saint and never getting tired or needing space from your little moppet. Honestly, you are a hero! Seriously though - piss off.

I very occasionally did this when mine were small. My husband sometimes worked away for weeks at a time. Do not feel guilty about doing this, especially if you feel exhausted and at the end of your tether. Baby is safe in cot, even though crying. I used to just check every few minutes that baby was ok. When crying stopped I would tiptoe in and they'd be asleep. I'd go sit, get a cup of tea and then baby would wake and be perfectly happy. If you have fed, winded, gave baby a drink, changed nappy and they are still crying and won't settle, sometimes it's all you can do. In my personal opinion picking baby up every time they cry ends up with baby getting used to that, which can be wearing for parents. As long as you have checked baby doesn't need anything or cannot find the reason for baby crying, it's ok. Mothers feel guilt all their lives just about, please do not do that to yourself. My children are doing ok and no harm came to them on doing this. I did comfort baby if they were ill or teething. Another thing is babies can get terrible wind and gripe water can help with this.

Megan, I’d still like some tips. Saying that you ‘just don’t leave them’ isn’t a tip.

If you haven’t ever felt the need to leave then it’s definitely a different situation. It’s certainly not competitive parenting but every single person I’ve spoken to has left their baby for a moment or two at some point.

There is no evidence to suggest that 'cry it out' has any negative impact on babies. There is is really interesting podcast 'Science vs attachment parenting' that talks about the research around this. So you haven't damaged your child.

What I would say is the damage to you! I won't ever do 'cry it out' because of MY reaction to her crying. For various reasons, I find listening to her crying really distressing and it isn't worth it for MY wellbeing. If you've posted this because you want some reassurance then great... if you've posted it because you feel seriously shitty about it and it's stayed with you, then consider a different strategy in the future. Not for your baby but for you!

[quote MaMaD1990]@Megan2018 Everyone bow to this wonderful woman who is the most perfect mummy in the universe and simply must tell everyone on here! I'm in awe of how amazing you are at having the patience of a Saint and never getting tired or needing space from your little moppet. Honestly, you are a hero! Seriously though - piss off.[/quote]
Remind me where I said this??

Some very insecure souls on here aren’t there! We’re all allowed an opinion. Mine is that leaving babies to cry to sleep is wrong. That’s all.

@FTEngineerM

Megan, I’d still like some tips. Saying that you ‘just don’t leave them’ isn’t a tip.

If you haven’t ever felt the need to leave then it’s definitely a different situation. It’s certainly not competitive parenting but every single person I’ve spoken to has left their baby for a moment or two at some point.

I’ve left my child to cry for a moment or two. Sometimes I had to go to the loo, answer the door etc. That’s necessity. But never for 8 minutes, and never as a planned strategy in relation to sleep. Leaving children to cry to sleepdeliberately is poor parenting, practiced by people that believe in creating “Rods for your own back” “Clinginess” and all that claptrap.

@Megan2018 Yo, read the post and think before you write - sometimes an OPINION isn't needed or helpful and your post is just plain nasty and bitchy. You offer zero tips to help OP, all you offer is judgement. Go and have a word with yourself and reflect on your sanctimonious attitude, you are the only one agreeing with your post on here - hint: it's not a coincidence darling. Make better choices.

OP, you did the right thing. If she had been seriously distressed, she wouldn’t have been fast asleep in 8 minutes.

The fact you are concerned enough to ask advice on this shows you are a lovely caring DM.

Have a ☕️ and enjoy the break.

@Megan2018

It isn’t something I would do. But as a one off it won’t do harm. I can’t understand why anyone does that though, I’ve never left my baby to cry. Sometimes she does cry and I can’t console her, but I’ve stayed with her throughout.

Let me guess. You only have one child and it's never cried 8 hours a day solid for four months straight?! Until you've been there in the trenches you have absolutely no idea how hard it is to listen to a constantly screaming child and how absolutely soul destroying it is.

8 minutes is nothing OP. You have done nothing wrong. My 8 year old (who did cry all day every day for the first four months of his life) told me I was the worst mum ever the other day because I wouldn't let him play with lego at 11pm. He still loves me.

You always get one Megan on a thread like this. And I always think how much more damaging than whatever the thing they're criticising is it is for children to grow up with a mother who gets kicks out of making other women feel worse when they're down.