I just let my baby cry herself to sleep - and now I feel terrible

[sails8]

I put my 10 month old down for a nap this afternoon. She was absolutely howling when I put her in her cot (something she does quite often) but instead of going in and out every couple of minutes to cuddle and comfort her as I usually do, I let her cry herself to sleep. It took 8 minutes in total before she was out like a light. However I now feel huge guilt and sadness that I could have really upset and traumatized her by not responding to her cries. I was just so exhausted and desperate for some alone time. Have I been cruel?

OP your baby will not need counselling as a teenager for being left to cry for 8 mins !! You did the right thing 💐

I felt like if I’d kept going back in, I’d have just prolonged the time it took her to sleep as she got more and more overtired with me picking her up every 5 minutes. But perhaps I made the wrong call.

This was us too. It was a real lightbulb moment when we realised the reason DD wouldn't sleep and just kept crying, getting her to sleep would take hours, that it was actually because we were keeping her awake.

She always cried when we put her down to sleep. Always. But after about 5 minutes she dropped off. It didn't get beyond just a wee cry, if it did we'd go in to her. You didn't do a bad thing, and keeping it going might well be the thing that helps her nap more easily. It only took a couple of days for it to reduce to about a minute of whimpering before she dropped off.

People will no doubt come along to guilt you with pseudo science, but just do what works for you.

You know your baby better than anyone on here. My DD is 9 months and lately she fights naps. One of the ways I've found to get her off is to hold her really tight so she is effectively pinned to my body and can't wriggle very successfully. Some people probably think that's cruel, but if I don't do it she'll just be upset and cry until she's exhausted. Me 'comforting' her when she's like that does nothing for her, she ends up conking out when she is exhausted from being upset.

Do you think she howls before naps because she is overtired?

DD1 never cried at nap or bedtime, but after much fussing and trying different things I've realised DD 2 just sort of needs to let off steam as she drops off. Cuddles etc would just get her more annoyed. She now often grizzles / cries for a couple of minutes but then goes to sleep. If she seems like she's getting more and more worked up obviously I go and comfort her, but most of the time she settles down and sleeps well.

I was determined that I wouldn’t leave my baby to cry and use to lay with her for sometimes for 30 or 40 whilst she cried with exhaustion. One day I had to go downstairs to answer the door whilst I was trying to get her to nap, by the time I got back she’d fallen asleep. It seems my presence winds her up and stops her sleeping. Now if she whinges when we put her down we wait a few minutes, she nearly always goes to sleep. If not we go in, resettle her and try again. Not all babies are the same and what works for some may not work for others! Absolutely don’t feel guilty.

My 10 month old has never slept without crying first, but I can tell the difference between a grizzly tired cry and genuine distress.

8 minutes is not going to harm your baby op, I often put mine down in cot after a cuddle, say goodnight, he cries then I wait 5-10 minutes and go up and reassure him if still crying. Hug, kiss goodnight Rinse repeat.
This normally gets him to drop off within 20 mins and everyone says how he sleeps through the night and is so good when napping.

Can't imagine staying up all night personally just to get them to sleep, they will never learn to self settle that way!

Yes you are unique and a terrible mother. 8 minutes of crying and you so upset. This is motherhood. You do what you can and make the best decisions.available. Your baby will have forgotten it by the time he wakes up.

My DD is 9 months and lately she fights naps. One of the ways I've found to get her off is to hold her really tight so she is effectively pinned to my body and can't wriggle very successfully

Some babies do like that. My first was very sensitive to sensory input and would easily become terribly overtired. I used to swaddle him very tightly and just hold him to my chest while I played white noise. He'd fight it for less than a minute then fall dead asleep. Some babies just need to be left alone to fall asleep.

Gosh dont worry. 8 minutes is nothing and at 10 months she can start to settle herself to sleep. If she had been hysterical for an hour then maybe, but if she was asleep in under 10 minutes then she was tired and you did the right thing. She was just a bit cross with you!

Another one here whose babies actively preferred being left TF alone to settle themselves - my interferenceprolonged the process and made it go on 10 times as long with far more distress.

My top tip is to always check the time - in your own distressed state you'll think it's been 10 minutes when it's really only been 3 or something. I used to check the time on the microwave every time!

I always left mine to self settle - had a 5 min rule, if they were inconsolable I went back in. Both are very happy content children who slept well as a result.
No sleep is far more damaging to a baby that crying for 5 mins because they're too tired. By going in every two seconds or sitting there, they're being stimulated, and they want you and your attention, so of course they will scream. It's more cruel to let a child scream and sit in the same room where they can see you and do nothing, than it is to let them calm down and rest. I'm not sure why it's now considered awful parenting if you don't run to pick a baby up the second they make the slightest bloody noise.
Megan, you're the exact type of person who will be posting a thread in 5 years that your child won't sleep through without being attached to you, can't leave them at school, nothing, and he desperate for advice and completely burnt out. Hopefully people will be kinder to you than you have been here.

I mean yes, on this one occasion you confused your baby when you didn't answer the cries, baby was distressed. But not very distressed, certainly not traumatised. Eight minutes is nothing! Some babies howl for HOURS, are physically sick, start throwing themselves around... then it becomes cruel to leave them
Sounds like your baby will be very amenable to sleep training and you are on the right track to me.

We did controlled crying sleep training on my daughter at 9 months. The first few nights I was sat in the stairs in tears feeling like the worst mum in the world. After a few days, she would cry for 5 mins and then sleep (and wake up perfectly happy). After about 10 days she would go to sleep with no tears and it’s been that way ever since, apart from brief bouts of illness or teething.

She absolutely knows that if she cries, we will come (contrary to what some say about children who have been sleep trained).

Now at two, she talks about “lovely sleep time” (a phrase we have obviously given to her, not her own!) and we do two books, bit of water, a brief cuddle and she settles herself and sleeps 7.30pm-7am/7.30am.

Crying for 8 minutes feels a lot longer than it is, and if she settled to sleep, it sounds like you made the right call and going in would have kept her awake for longer and ended up with her being more overtired and you getting more stressed.

I’m never clear why some people would prefer their child to cry for a long time with them in the room rather than a few minutes with them out...