Is it normal for your child to hurt you ALL the time?

[ChubbyMsSunshine]

My DS is 3.5 and is a very boisterous, full-on, solid bundle of energy.

He's very touchy-feely and likes to be on me all the time and it's often painful!

He'll climb onto my lap when I'm on the loo, I can't sit on the sofa without him wanting to climb on me, or dig his elbows into my head as he's leaning on me from behind. If he comes into my bed in the night, he'll either spoon right into me or dig his feet into my ribs. You get the picture.

I've already been hurt at least 5 times this morning.

It's kind of lovely that he's so affectionate and I know that one day he'll be a teenager who will be mortified if I even hug him. But it's endless. And it hurts a lot of the time.

I'm not a wimp, pain-wise. I have a recurring herniated disc and just had gas and air when I gave birth to him. But this kind of constant, low-level jabbing, poking, hair-pulling, scratching...I hate it.

He doesn't do it on purpose and it's not like I can tell him to stop being affectionate or play with me. But I'm starting to feel the need to physically react, in the way you would when anyone else is hurting you.

Is this normal? What do I do?

Surely at 3.5 you can teach him to be gentle? Or let you know that sometimes he hurts you?

I’m genuinely confused as to why you wouldn’t raise this with a three and a half year old.

I think climbing all over and a bit of rough play is normal. My kids do that a lot and I tell them to be careful but they're little and they don't remember!
With regards to climving on you when you're on the loo- they are more than old enough to understand not to do that. Tell them no and that you want to be left alone whilst you use the toilet!!

*let him know

Can you show him 'safer' ways to be affectionate?

And lock the door when you are on the loo - he's old enough!

You need some boundaries! Why on earth are you taking him to the toilet with you? Get a lock!

And yes, if he’s rough tell him to stop. I wouldn’t let a 3 year old clamber all over me. Have him sit next to you on the sofa.

You tell him no. He's 3 and a half, old enough to understand that he's hurting you, but he's not going to know if you don't tell him . Why would you not?
You need to teach him not to hurt people when he's playing or when he goes to school he will spend his life being given into trouble, or people will hurt him back.

My DS was like this. He’s 16 now and he actually said to me the other day ‘Mum, remember when you had a black toenail from where I was always standing on your foot by accident when I was little?’ .

How does your DS respond when you ask him to be gentle? Is he like this with other children? He is very young and young children can be very unaware of physical boundaries/personal space, but he is the right age to start to learn. My DS was diagnosed with Autism & ADHD at 5, so it took him much longer to learn these things...but he did.

He definitely needs to learn that toilet equals privacy mainly because he cannot repeat this behaviour in school.

You need to let him know when he hurts you and remind him to be gentle. If he hurts you and doesn't acknowledge that he has you need to remove him from you very calmly and tell him it hurt.

It is completely normal for young children to see you as a climbing frame but not whilst you are on the toilet or if they hurt you.

I absolutely could and would not tolerate being climbed on when I’m on the loo. For goodness sake! That’s not affection, that’s a child that hasn’t been taught boundaries. He’s absolutely old enough.

Mine was the same. Getting much better at 5 now. He would hit pull hair etc when happy and excited as well as angry. He couldn’t seem to deal with a lot of emotion.

He’s been referred to be tested for autism/adhd but it was rejected due to lack of evidence. At the moment his teacher thinks a wait and see approach is best as he appears to be settling down a lot. I did a time out for every violent thing. Even gentlish pushing. It is working painfully slowly . It was not helped by grandma who would laugh and smile and joke when getting hit and having her hair pulled- why?!

I occasionally see kids at soft play etc whose kids are the same and we exchange sympathy. It’s not normal as in most kids don’t do it. But it’s not abnormal either IMO.

Boundaries. If you don't teach him now how to behave, when DO you plan on starting?!?

Why are you letting a 3 year old climb on top of you when you're on the toilet? It's not too early to instill boundaries to help him come to understand personal space when he's older. Say no, tell him it hurts, don't be a door mat.

Thanks for your responses.

I do ask him to be more gentle, or to move but he either thinks it's a game or transfers himself to a different and often equally uncomfortable part of me!

Agree with the comments about shutting the bathroom door, will do that going forwards.

I guess just persevere with telling him to be more gentle and grin and bare it until he grows out of it?

Oh, and I obviously don't invite him to come to the toilet with me! He'll track me down...

Start by keeping him out of the bathroom when you're in there. Use a lock until he gets used to the idea so it's not a shock when he goes to school/pre-school.

Is he like this with siblings and friends at present-school/nursery ? He'll end up in trouble and be hurt back if you don't start teaching him to stop.

Have you actually told him he hurts you when he’s so rough? He’s old enough to understand so you need to be clear

Sounds like you need to be clearer it is causing you pain. If my 2 or 4 year old do something and realise it hurt me, it is immediately obvious from their reaction they didn't intend to and they are apologetic.

From what you describe, he is not trying to hurt you or lashing out in anger, he just doesn't realise how much discomfort he is causing you so you need to show him this in order for him to alter his behaviour

You tell him no. Seriously, it's your job to teach him this, you're doing nobody any favours by treating him as if he's a precious little prince

Does he go to nursery OP?

He needs to know that not being gentle results in him being told he’s hurt mummy. And if he does it again then he has to be moved off you. You’re not a climbing frame.

I nanny for a boy who was similar at that age but he had this horrible habit of bashing his head into me when he was tired. He was affectionate but the bashing was awful. In my lap or side. He has a huge head I’d always always look him in the eye and say a very firm ‘no. That’s hurts me’ then the cuddle stopped and he had to sit on his own. That would make him sad and sometimes cry but so what- that’s how he learned that people that he wants to cuddle deserve to be treated gently. His need to cuddle does not trump my need to be treated with respect.

Tell him that hurt you and move him away.
They soon learn to be more gentle if they still want the affection.

I have three and some are more like this than others.

My middle one is a big boy, doesn’t realise his own strength or really where his body starts and ends, so I get my feet stepped on or he’ll run in to me at full speed or head butt me in an enthusiastic cuddle. But everyday it gets better.

My daughter has very pointy elbow and knees so often digs you when she has a cuddle or a climb in to bed etc. Again I expect this to calm down.

My eldest I thought was bad, was actually nothing in comparison to the other two. But yeah, they grow out of it as they learn their bodies.

Don't just tell him, move him.

So door locked on loo, if he follows you, put him outside the door and close it.

If he climbs into bed and puts his feet against your ribs, move them. If he puts them back, move them. Of he puts them somewhere else painful, move them. Even if it means rolling him over to face a different way.

If he leans his elbows on your head (is he standing on the sofa to do this) tell him or, no, no elbows on Mommy's head.

If he pulls your hair, tell him or, no, kind hands.

You have a right to tell him to stop

I do tell him to stop it, to move, that he's hurting me etc. I think he's struggling to understand because he's being affectionate so doesn't understand how that can hurt.

I don't treat him like a precious prince but haven't felt that disciplining my son for playing on or cuddling me was appropriate.

I'll be clearer with him WHY I want him to get off me, and have just explained to him that even though he's having fun, it's hurting mummy and he needs to be gentle.

I've posted mainly as I wondered if the fact it hurts me was normal; everyone knows toddlers see parents as climbing frames! But the fact it that it does hurt so I need to change things.

Of course you can tell him. He's 3.

Tell him to use gentle hands. Put him down when your on the loo and tell him it's not the right time.
Tell him no when he pulls hair and scratches.

As for the constant need to have the contact it maybe a sensory thing. So try lots of activities with him that give him sensory feedback in other ways. Plenty of stuff online that'll help you.

I don't treat him like a precious prince but haven't felt that disciplining my son for playing on or cuddling me was appropriate.

It's not disciplining him to say no. Just keep telling him it hurts and give him lots of praise when he's gentle with you.