Is it normal for your child to hurt you ALL the time?

[ChubbyMsSunshine]

My DS is 3.5 and is a very boisterous, full-on, solid bundle of energy.

He's very touchy-feely and likes to be on me all the time and it's often painful!

He'll climb onto my lap when I'm on the loo, I can't sit on the sofa without him wanting to climb on me, or dig his elbows into my head as he's leaning on me from behind. If he comes into my bed in the night, he'll either spoon right into me or dig his feet into my ribs. You get the picture.

I've already been hurt at least 5 times this morning.

It's kind of lovely that he's so affectionate and I know that one day he'll be a teenager who will be mortified if I even hug him. But it's endless. And it hurts a lot of the time.

I'm not a wimp, pain-wise. I have a recurring herniated disc and just had gas and air when I gave birth to him. But this kind of constant, low-level jabbing, poking, hair-pulling, scratching...I hate it.

He doesn't do it on purpose and it's not like I can tell him to stop being affectionate or play with me. But I'm starting to feel the need to physically react, in the way you would when anyone else is hurting you.

Is this normal? What do I do?

If telling him to be more gentle isn't working, tell him that he is hurting you. If he thinks it's a game and carries on, he needs to understand it's not a game and it's painful. Actions have consequences.

Ouch, your elbow is hurting mummy's head, stop that. If it doesn't stop, physically remove his elbow from your head saying no, we don't hurt people. If he comes back, remove him from you again. On repeat until he gets it.

Clambering on you whilst in the toilet? No. Not acceptable behaviour. Lift him off whilst saying no, we don't climb on people when they're on the toilet. If he comes back, block him from getting on whilst saying no. No hint of a smile or giggle so he knows you are serious.

I do think tone of voice comes in to play as well in these situations. I've seen parents say no to their children but in the most sing song wishy washy voice that the kids just ignore. It needs a strong 'no' or 'ouch' so that even if they're not quite listening, they hear the tone.

I know not everyone would agree with me but if my 3 yr old kept hurting me, I would give them 2 or 3 ouches, no, don't do that and removing them from me. If they did the same thing a 4th time, it would be a 2 minute time out on the bottom step. Then an explanation about how doing whatever it was hurt mummy so we mustn't do it again and a non hurry cuddle.

*non hurty cuddle ! Though non hurry is probably good too

1 and 2 year olds see you as climbing frames, nearly 4 years olds know better. He should ask you politely if he can sit on your lap. Not camber all over you.

It’s absolutely not disciplining him (why is that such a negative thing anyway?!) to teach him to respect your space and appropriate ways to show affection! How else will he learn?

I wouldn't give it a 3 strikes and you're out deal, I'd say "can you stop doing that you're hurting me" and then if he doesn't then walk away.

He can be cuddly and affectionate when he learns how to do it in a non-painful way. Your boundaries shouldn't be compromised.

You have my sympathies OP. DS is 2.5 and similar. He’s all knees, elbows, feet and fingernails (despite regular trimming)! I know he CAN be gentle as he’s very sweet with his baby sister but with me and DH it’s like having some kind of chimp for a son. He’s like a puppy, and reacting makes it a fun game. The only thing I can do is remove myself from the situation. I say something like ‘I know you’re feeling silly and sometimes that’s fun but what you’re doing is hurting me, please stop’... if he doesn’t stop I then say ‘mummy’s going away to keep herself safe now because that hurts’. I’m trying to have lots of chats with him about consent and boundaries when he’s more calm.

I also echo lots of sensory activities and physical play. I’m going to try to get DS into swimming and dance classes soon.

My DC nursery talked a lot about "kind hands". I found that quite useful.

Aw but your post made me miss the days when my little one would sit patiently at my feet when I went for my morning wee. Its adorable how they just want to be with you.

At 3 and a half he’s too old for kind hands really if he’s unaware of it as a concept. that’s what they teach to the much much younger children. You can just tell him not to hurt you.

I'd go by combined approach of teaching 'nice hugs' and getting him to stop.

Start by picking him up and moving him to a more comfortable position, then tell him what a lovely comfy hug that it. Anytime he gives you non climby affection praise it.

Say ouch every time he hurts you, how else will he know? If keeps doing it asking him to stop, and if he still continues take him off you. It doesn't have to be angry, just "if you can't be gentle you'll have to get off because your hurting mummy" then fallow through by picking him up and putting him on the floor.

DS a bit older (4 & half) so now he gets a much blunter "is that a nice hug, or is that climbing on me?" But he is gentle most of the time, and when he's not he stops with a reminder.

@LolaNova

I also echo lots of sensory activities and physical play. I’m going to try to get DS into swimming and dance classes soon.

Yes swimming often helps those who need sensory feedback because the water provides it.

Also lots of soft play type play. Things he can throw himself on as hard as he needs and build and climb on.

Weighted blankets are also great although at this age I'd just buy a cheap sleeping bag they can climb into.

"constant, low-level jabbing, poking, hair-pulling, scratching"

Why are you letting him scratch and pull your hair without reacting? You wouldn't allow anyone else to.

"He'll climb onto my lap when I'm on the loo, I can't sit on the sofa without him wanting to climb on me, or dig his elbows into my head as he's leaning on me from behind"

Why is he in the bathroom or standing behind you on the sofa? Nobody else would be allowed.

"it's not like I can tell him to stop being affectionate or play with me. But I'm starting to feel the need to physically react, in the way you would when anyone else is hurting you."

Why wouldn't you react to him? He's no different to anyone else!

"everyone knows toddlers see parents as climbing frames!"

He's not a toddler.

You've been hurt 5 times before 9am. No, that's not normal, he's old enough to be told how to behave and the only reason he doesn't know is because you don't even react. He needs boundaries and they are learned! It's not "discipline" to teach him how to behave!

Does he go to nursery? There are kids who have to learn that not everyone appreciates their physical signs of affection like hugs etc It's not that it's bad that they are physically affectionate but they need to learn that other people sometimes don't like it so you have to express it more appropriately.

The suggestion about looking into how he can get more sensory feedback is a good one

You need to nip this in the bud before he starts school

@TeachesOfPeaches

You need to nip this in the bud before he starts school

I know, that's precisely why I've posted on MN.

He doesn't start school until 2022 but want to get it sorted now.

Great suggestions re the sensory and removing myself from the situation - thanks all.

He goes to nursery and they've recently mentioned having to talk about soft hands with him.

DH and I separated several months ago and think the clinginess etc is connected to this. It's definitely more intense than it used to be, but that might just be because he's bigger and stronger!

A good, clear 'no' worked in the old days. Also 'get off, you're hurting me!' Children do need to be told. Watch other mammals with their young. They don't put up with it.
It's communication.

Prey to day you sound like my friend who's son is similar except now he's older and flat out horrid.

She has a soft "no darling" approach rather than just telling the child firmly what is and isn't appropriate. She's also very much a "boys will be boys" sort and it's fine for him to stomp on stuff, be destructive and as loud as he wants.

And now mine, nor our friends children, want to see or pay with him as he's too rough and not used to being told off.

Apologies if I have it totally wrong. But that's what I wish my friend had been told when he was a toddler.

So I have this with my just five year old but she is autistic. She's learning not to clamber and she doesn't hit or scratch or ever deliberately hurt me but she had real difficulty with proprioception (the body's ability to understand its own position in a space). We didn't understand why she was so pushy/leany/clambery until she saw an occupational therapist.

Even though hers is linked to autism lots of neurotypical children have this difficulty too, it's quite normal but they tend to grow out of it by around preschool age, so if it continues longer term I'd maybe see if he has any OT related needs. My DD needs deep pressure to feel regulated, so if she's excited/stressed whatever I will often find she really leans into me or presses her forehead into me hard. Or she'll stand in front of me when I'm sitting on the sofa with my feet on the ground and stand on my feet. If we're out and about I get a really hard hand squeeze, like a break your fingers one.

For us, for things that hurt me I redirect, and find something else that she can get the same feeling from without hurting. So for the hand squeezing, she has a stress ball in her bag that she can squeeze. If she starts standing in my feet, I've got a really firm foam pad she can jump up and down on or squish with her feet. Etc

It may not be this, he may just get a bit overexcited and not mean to hurt and need telling not to, but just be aware that for some children they have a physical need that is being addressed by then being physical (not violent - this is different to a bolshy child walloping you in temper!) with you. If you want them to stop being physical with you then you need to replace you with something else.

None of mine climbed all over me to the point it hurt me. Occasionally, I'd get an awkwardly placed elbow or accidental head butt to the nose which was awful, but not in general or pretty much constantly.
It's too much if you are now feeling physical reflex urges in reaction to being hurt.

Completely different situation, but I used to feel claustrophobic at times with breastfeeding as there was constantly a little person snuffling me and seemingly always wanting my boobs and nothing else. I used to need a little time away sometimes.

You definitely need to assert some physical boundaries. A snuggle is up on the sofa next to you and snuggle, not all over you, your arm round him. If he's really affectionate and seeing what he's doing as affectionate he will soon realise he needs to be much gentler and affection shouldn't hurt the recipient.

He goes to nursery and they've recently mentioned having to talk about soft hands with him.

Now is a good time to sort this. It sounds like he might be rough with the staff and other kids there too.

After my first I would have said "no, that's not normal, how can you allow that!"
After my second I have experience.
You need to double down the communication. Say "no, that hurts" or "ow, don't do that". Explain how to do something gently. But also put physical space between you when needed. It feels cruel but actually when forced they can learn to behave gently. I needed DH to prompt me with this - I'd physically distance myself, not by an entire room, but by standing up when a game ended, to make a really clear signal.
Lastly, find a physical thing he can do without hurting you. We dance together with him stood on my feet, arms round my waist. We aren't missing out on the closeness but it appropriate as no one is getting hurt. Loads of people hate having their feet stood on, I quite like it, but you will have your own affectionate games, do those then you know you won't be missing out. We do a mirror game (he waves, I mirror him, he moves side to side, when I can't keep up I collapse dramatically). Think of it as opening up opportunities for games, while also helping him mature out of the hurting you phase.

Don't over think it, if it hurts say ouch and prevent the hurt in the simplest way possible.
The words discipline, punishment, consequences seem to be used interchangeably but discipline is following rules, which should ideally be appropriate and learnt by themselves where possible not enforced by caregivers. Consequences are what happens when you do an action, so if you got your parent they will say ouch and be hurt, and probably stop you, because they don't like being hurt.
Once you start getting into guessing their motivation and intention then your going down the route of being controlling and punishing, which is a way of enforcing your control.
Permissive parenting is just as bad as controlling and punishing parenting in the end, use boundaries and consequences and it will be better for them and easier for you.
Good luck!

Also while i remember, don't do fake praise either as that's another form of control, do pay attention to them but say how you feel rather than guessing their motivation and trying to train them.
The exception for being controlling in my mind would be anything causing serious danger eg roads and cliff edges etc! But you can still tell them it's because you are scared they will be hurt (which is true)