Is it normal for your child to hurt you ALL the time?

[ChubbyMsSunshine]

My DS is 3.5 and is a very boisterous, full-on, solid bundle of energy.

He's very touchy-feely and likes to be on me all the time and it's often painful!

He'll climb onto my lap when I'm on the loo, I can't sit on the sofa without him wanting to climb on me, or dig his elbows into my head as he's leaning on me from behind. If he comes into my bed in the night, he'll either spoon right into me or dig his feet into my ribs. You get the picture.

I've already been hurt at least 5 times this morning.

It's kind of lovely that he's so affectionate and I know that one day he'll be a teenager who will be mortified if I even hug him. But it's endless. And it hurts a lot of the time.

I'm not a wimp, pain-wise. I have a recurring herniated disc and just had gas and air when I gave birth to him. But this kind of constant, low-level jabbing, poking, hair-pulling, scratching...I hate it.

He doesn't do it on purpose and it's not like I can tell him to stop being affectionate or play with me. But I'm starting to feel the need to physically react, in the way you would when anyone else is hurting you.

Is this normal? What do I do?

Erm.... You are the parent. Tell him no!

This is a prime example of how boys get reared by women who put up with too much, to think being "boisterous" to the point of violence is just 'boys being boys"

My 3yo is like this - we're doing a lot of work on making him understand that people don't always want to be hugged or jumped on and he needs to check it's ok. I had a baby last year and actually telling him that mummy was sore and not well actually did marvels in terms of curbing some of the more boisterous behaviour.

If he's too rough tell him, and tell him that it hurts you and remove him from you. I then normally ask if he'd like a hug a bit later on after that once it's convenient - so in your example if you're on the loo, it's a "no, that hurts, get off, you need to leave mummy alone on the toilet" and then once you've finished and washed hands I'd then ask if he'd still like a cuddle and we could have one then.

And don't tolerate his violent behaviour because you think you need to compensate for having split from his Dad. Big big mistake when mums do that.

@joystir59

And don't tolerate his violent behaviour because you think you need to compensate for having split from his Dad. Big big mistake when mums do that.

I was also wondering if one reason it’s got worse since the split is that OP feels she has to put up with more due to split guilt.

I still remember being really tiny and accidentally elbowing my mother in the chest, hard. She said ow, put me down and told me that it had hurt and she didn’t feel like cuddling because she was hurt, and crucially that it didn’t matter that it was an accident. A good lesson that kids need to learn, that even if you’re trying to be kind, if you hurt others they will be upset and you need to be extra careful about what you DO not just what you’re thinking.

@joystir59

This is a prime example of how boys get reared by women who put up with too much, to think being "boisterous" to the point of violence is just 'boys being boys"

Really take umbrage to this. The fact I'm here asking for help with the situation shows I'm not accepting it as "boys will be boys".

I've seen it as typical toddler behaviour until recently...I only have 1 child who happens to be a boy.

And yes, he is boisterous. By this I mean he charges around very fast on his ride on toys, he's got no sense of danger with heights and will jump from very high in playgrounds, is 100 miles an hour from the second he wakes up, etc. What is this behaviour described as if not boisterous

He's not purposely inflicting pain on me. When I say hair pulling, I mean he'll lean on me and catch my hair. When I say scratching, again it's in the course of him clambering on me etc.

It's not acceptable and I want to change it. But to say I'm allowing it because he's a boy is nonsense.

The toilet issue is ridiculous.

No,it isn't normal.

At his age he can understand " Not so hard, that hurts" and "Cuddle gently, like this".

DS is like this. It is hard to discipline him, not “because he’s a boy” FFS, but because he is my child who is clearly requesting affection from me, is not hurting me on purpose, and I don’t want to reject him. I would feel exactly the same about a girl.

I tend to do two things: redirect (physically moving whatever bit is digging in to me), and bringing him in for an actual hug. Just pushing him off and saying “no” makes him cry and makes me feel awful. Hugging him in a comfortable way makes us both happy. We taught him the difference between a hug and a strangle fairly early on! (And he will ask “is this a hug or a strangle, Mummy?)

Second thing is burning off energy with a 1:1 activity with him. Then he gets attention and affection from me, while getting sensory input from eg riding his bike, climbing up a tree, or going to the nature garden in the park. Tired kids are not grabby kids, IME.

@timeforanewnameagain

So I have this with my just five year old but she is autistic. She's learning not to clamber and she doesn't hit or scratch or ever deliberately hurt me but she had real difficulty with proprioception (the body's ability to understand its own position in a space). We didn't understand why she was so pushy/leany/clambery until she saw an occupational therapist.

Even though hers is linked to autism lots of neurotypical children have this difficulty too, it's quite normal but they tend to grow out of it by around preschool age, so if it continues longer term I'd maybe see if he has any OT related needs. My DD needs deep pressure to feel regulated, so if she's excited/stressed whatever I will often find she really leans into me or presses her forehead into me hard. Or she'll stand in front of me when I'm sitting on the sofa with my feet on the ground and stand on my feet. If we're out and about I get a really hard hand squeeze, like a break your fingers one.

For us, for things that hurt me I redirect, and find something else that she can get the same feeling from without hurting. So for the hand squeezing, she has a stress ball in her bag that she can squeeze. If she starts standing in my feet, I've got a really firm foam pad she can jump up and down on or squish with her feet. Etc

It may not be this, he may just get a bit overexcited and not mean to hurt and need telling not to, but just be aware that for some children they have a physical need that is being addressed by then being physical (not violent - this is different to a bolshy child walloping you in temper!) with you. If you want them to stop being physical with you then you need to replace you with something else.

Excellent post.

Proprioception was exactly what I was thinking and my son has asd.

Don't panic OP there's nothing to suggest nor are we suggesting sen just that some people have more sensory needs than others.

There's still plenty of adults who are totally nt that don't like crowds, loud noises and clothing that feels wrong! Just at 3yo he'll need help recognising that.

It’s really important to teach him about consent, and how to not to hurt people, these are things he should have been taught about for years already via your interactions with him etc.