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Parenting

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Original poster

Should I tell DC about half sibling?

64 replies

Happycat1212 · 31/03/2021 14:07

My children have a half sibling that they don’t know about or have contact with. My ex is not involved either and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t see the other child, my children don’t know about the other child and as time has gone on I guess it just got easier not bringing up the subject as they are unlikely to ever have any contact. But I’m wondering if this is the right thing or I should tell them? It just seems a bit off to say “you have a half sibling but you can’t see them though” any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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IslaMann · 31/03/2021 14:08

Whose child is it?

sittingonacornflake · 31/03/2021 14:10

@IslaMann well I don't think it's the OP's!

BingBongToTheMoon · 31/03/2021 14:10

Why can’t they see their half sibling?
Couldn’t you contact the child’s mum & try and arrange contact/ play date/ activity?

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BingBongToTheMoon · 31/03/2021 14:11

@IslaMann

Whose child is it?

The dad’s.....with another woman. Sounds like he doesn’t have contact with any of the children.

Maraudery · 31/03/2021 14:11

How old are they?

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 31/03/2021 14:12

I am not prepared to contact the mum and I don’t know who she is. Not sure why there is confusion. Their father has a child with another woman so therefore they have a half sibling.

OP posts:

IslaMann · 31/03/2021 14:12

[quote sittingonacornflake]@IslaMann well I don't think it's the OP's! [/quote]
My point is, it's not her place to tell. Not her child. Her ex should be telling them.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 31/03/2021 14:13

Yes father is absent from all children so I’m not willing to make contact. Was just wondering if I should tell them about the half sibling or not.

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 31/03/2021 14:14

Yes, I think they should be told. Much better to know from a young age than to be shocked by the discovery when they're older.

RonSwansonsChair · 31/03/2021 14:14

How old are all the children? I think that would factor into my decision.

MrsAudreyShapiro · 31/03/2021 14:14

I think you should. If you withhold the information and they find out later that you knew and didn't tell them, they may hold it against you.

I had a similar situation in my extended family. The child found out when in their 20s and it drove a wedge between parent and child.

How old are your children?

pumpkinpie01 · 31/03/2021 14:15

Could raise a lot of questions that you don't have the answers to

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/03/2021 14:15

What age is the other child and how old are your dc?

From what you imply, this is your husbands child from a previous relationship. Why does he have no contact? Does he pay any maintenance? Depending on the age of your dc, there is a risk that this will reflect very badly on their father and upset them.

thisisnotwhatisignedupfor · 31/03/2021 14:16

How old are the children and is there any chance of them coming into contact with each other? If there's even a small chance they'll be at high school together I'd tell them at that stage, imagine if they were to enter into a relationship with their half sibling and found out you knew and didn't warn them.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/03/2021 14:17

Apologies, I realise he's your ex. Is there a reason he hasn't told them?

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 31/03/2021 14:21

There father is not in their lives. They won’t be coming into contact. We live on opposite sides of London from the small information I have. My oldest child is 10 youngest is 3 and his other child is 14.

OP posts:

ivfbeenbusy · 31/03/2021 14:22

Ah ok so you have kids with this ex who isn't involved and so does this other woman? In which case I'd be inclined to contact her - a bit of female solidarity I suppose if he is a shit father and maybe you could support each other? I wouldn't be happy if I found out as an adult that a sibling was kept a secret?

LadyCatStark · 31/03/2021 14:23

Yes you should tell them. DS has a sibling he doesn’t see and I find I have to keep telling him about him as he forgets. Like, it’s brand new information each time which is a bit strange as he usually has a good memory.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 31/03/2021 14:23

I have no plans to contact her and even if I did I have no idea who she is an only ex has that information but like I said I don’t plan to contact her.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 31/03/2021 14:26

I would tell them; yes it is hard to say you’ve got this so long but no contact with them but in ten years or however much further in the future it will be much harder to explain why you didn’t tell them.

LolaNova · 31/03/2021 14:42

I think you have to tell them at some point. Other side of London is hardly the other side of the world is it? They could come into contact and it would be devastating if they found out you knew and hadn’t told them.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 31/03/2021 14:44

No it’s not the other side of the world but at the same time it’s not inevitable that they will meet and the won’t be attending the same school, that’s what I meant by it.

OP posts:

FlashesOfRage · 31/03/2021 14:47

Yes I think it’s right to tell them in a matter of fact way. Probably during a general conversation about their absent dad (if such a conversation could ever happen!) 💐

bumpertobumper · 31/03/2021 14:56

It is best to tell them, earlier the better.
They will find out at some point in their life, things like this don't stay secret forever, and the secret itself causes emotional distress- not the content, the information.
The kids know they don't see their dad, they will be able to understand that there is another child who you don't know and that their dad also doesn't see. It is part of their family history and important to just know about.

If you don't tell them, when they find out later it will likely raise issues around trust, truth and could cause resentment. Things like this usually do. Of course it might not, but why take the risk, there is no harm in letting them know that this other child exists, it isn't a drama and will be a bit of a curiosity for them but not too emotionally hard.
Might even be comforting in a way to know that their dad has abandoned others too, that there isn't something wrong with them (the often internalised shame of a child with absent parent).

UnsolicitedDickPic · 31/03/2021 15:12

Just as a random aside, my friend was adopted and expressly wouldn't date men from the area as she was always worried they might be a relation; she knew that her biological family were local. Lo and behold, when she finally got into contact with her bio DM, it turned out she'd actually known quite a few of her extended family all along - and had almost dated a cousin.

OP, I've got half brothers on my biological father's side: I've got no contact with the latter, but I was told from a young age that I had siblings. One of the young men did later attempt to get in touch with me - that would've come as quite a shock if I hadn't known about them.

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