Should I tell DC about half sibling?

[Happycat1212]

My children have a half sibling that they don’t know about or have contact with. My ex is not involved either and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t see the other child, my children don’t know about the other child and as time has gone on I guess it just got easier not bringing up the subject as they are unlikely to ever have any contact. But I’m wondering if this is the right thing or I should tell them? It just seems a bit off to say “you have a half sibling but you can’t see them though” any advice?

I never really get that though, as loads of us could have half siblings out there that we don’t know of, the chances of meeting them I would say is pretty unlikely unless you live small village where everyone knows everyone.

yes, my cousins in their 30's have just realised they have a 40 year old half sibling, its causing all sorts of rifts now

I was told in my 30s. It was shit. I hated that I'd been lied to all my life and I fell out with my family due to the deception. I needed counselling. Don't let your kids be me. They might ending up hating you for keeping secrets. It makes you question EVERYTHING.

Personally I would, but I’d do it when they are old enough to understand the situation, maybe mid to late teens. I think they have a right to know, even if no contact would ever happen.

I’d tell them now. Your youngest will not remember a time they didn’t know so it will be natural. Your older D.C. may struggle more with this info, but don’t wait. I found out I had half siblings in my mid 20s, younger than me. They found out about me too. It was more difficult than it should have been.

Thanks I might think about telling them when they are older then. I don’t know why they would hate me it’s not my secret, I know nothing about the other child and have never met him, I can’t answer any questions at all. It’s not my issue really.

I don’t even know if the other child knows about them

Hi op, i had a similar experience.

Dds dad left me for OW (lets say Claire) , got her pregnant. They split up shortly after the baby was born. He sees our dd but not his other.

A few years ago Claire got in touch and asked if the girls should meet. I agreed and pre covid we used to meet up once a month. The girls really enjoy spending time together and having a sister (they're 3 years apart). They also keep in touch via mobile.

How about getting in touch with the child's mother?

It wasn't my mum's secret either, but she was still complicit in the deceit.

We’re you aware of this child who your ex had no contact with when you decided to pro create with him?

TBH this isn’t just about bumping into someone in the street any more. The internet makes the world a much smaller place, and with people tracing their backgrounds on the likes of ancestry finding a sibling is really common.

One of my parents has just discovered that they have half siblings from their dad’s side after he left their mum, he’s not particularly interested in any relationship, but one of his siblings is talking about demanding DNA tests because she feels she should be entitled to any money the old man left. if she goes through with it it’s going to cause an awful lot of bad feeling for a lot of people. Incidentally, she wouldn’t be entitled to anything because his second wife was still alive when he died so all that money would have gone to her... But this particular family member is a money grabbing cow.

Please share this knowledge. I have a half sister who I have never met, nor have any desire to do so but I’ve known about her from a very young age, which is fortunate because as a teen I found the maintenance payment receipts in the loft and that would have been a complete shock had I not known.

These things have a habit of outing themselves better the children hear it from you than by any other means.

No I didn’t know, he told me after I was pregnant, but as far as I’m aware he doesn’t tell women about any of the kids he has as I don’t believe he tells people about mine

Yes, tell them. It doesn't have to be a big thing, but it's better if they've "always known" rather than finding out when they're older even if you can't give them much information.

I'm an adopter.
We are expected to bring our children up 'knowing' information in an age appropriate way. The knowing can come before the understanding.
Better than waiting too long and then there is a big shock reveal in their teens and they feel as if the carpet has been pulled out under them.

So X is your Dad. I understand he also had a child by someone else before we were together who would be your half sibling but I don't know any details.

I think they need to know.
They may live the opposite side of London now but they may move and the dc could very well end up in the same school/college/friendship group/workplace.
The child may know about you and your dc, but even if not, I think there is a chance down the line this may be uncovered.
Your dc or the other woman's child may in the future choose to find their father and his family and all this will come out.

I think you tell them when they are old enough to understand the complexities of it.

@Happycat1212

I never really get that though, as loads of us could have half siblings out there that we don’t know of, the chances of meeting them I would say is pretty unlikely unless you live small village where everyone knows everyone.

I'd echo a PP; the world isn't as small as it used to be, the internet has put paid to that. It's not hard to find family connections. I don't think you're keen on telling them and I do sort of see why; it's not a very nice conversation. But I do think you have an obligation to do so.

I would tell them. Similarly to posters above I’ve known a family where the children were told in early adulthood about half siblings & it was a big issue in the family. Better to know matter of factly all along.

Tell them.

DP was only told his dad wasn't his bio dad at about 20, not great, he then found out he has a brother when a similar name showed up in "who's looked at you on LinkedIn" about 6 years later. A lot of digging later and I cleared up the family tree and then there had to be a big conversation about that mess.

SIL was bought a DNA testing thing as a gift which was not ideal because it would mean she could be traced by her POS NC dad or his family is one of them was on the database.

Of course you should tell them.

I would tell them of the existence because these things can come back to haunt you. They can then choose if they wish to go on one of the half sibling databases out there to find them at an appropriate age

I have been in a similar situation in that my child has another sibling that they are unlikely to see at least at any point soon. Even with that though I did let them know they existed so they don't have it come as a shock at in the future. I think they were around about the age of your oldest and I just let them know that although I knew about them I didn't know where they were or anything and had no way if getting in touch. Now though its like they always knew so there's no awkwardness but they have no wish currently to see them or anything. I think in this situation there is no correct answer, its just how you feel they would respond.

My lockdown story: doing our ancestry research for something to do, we had never had much info on DH grandfather, who was absent for most of MIL life. MIL died 16 years ago, as did DH younger brother (from different things). FIL now lives in another country, DH has no living siblings but has cousins here.

Doing a google search brought up a website thread from someone also looking for the grandfather, on behalf of a grandson - DH has an older brother! MIL had a baby before she left her country to come here, it was have been a very shameful thing back then to be an unmarried single mum. Anyway, messaged thread poster - friend of his family, who put me in touch with wife and lo and behold! We've made contact (thank you zoom) and they speak nearly every week. DH never thought he could call someone brother again. (There is no emoticon that covers the warm and fuzzies for this.)

Absolutely no regrets (apart from no travel yet to meet up) but I do realise they could have been very different from us and it not worked out as well. But, I think better that they know, than not.

Sorry - to be clear - DH has a half brother.

You seem very reluctant to tell them op. Almost everyone here, with some very compelling similar personal experiences, is suggesting that you tell them ASAP, and you have picked up on the one poster who says 'when they understand' to be a reason to wait until they're in their teens. That is the age at which it will feel, as pp has said, that their whole life is a lie and the rug has been pulled out from under them.

You also say 'it's not my secret'. I get that you are probably pissed off with the dad, and this is yet another thing he's left you to deal with. But it is for you to deal with, you know the basic info and are withholding it from your children, it will be you who will be blamed for not telling sooner.

I wonder why you are so resistant to telling them? I am not asking you to share, but suggest having a good think about it. (Sorry if that comes across as patronising, not how it's being said!). It really is in the best interests of you dc to know this info sooner rather than later.