Should I tell DC about half sibling?

[Happycat1212]

My children have a half sibling that they don’t know about or have contact with. My ex is not involved either and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t see the other child, my children don’t know about the other child and as time has gone on I guess it just got easier not bringing up the subject as they are unlikely to ever have any contact. But I’m wondering if this is the right thing or I should tell them? It just seems a bit off to say “you have a half sibling but you can’t see them though” any advice?

I must admit I don’t want to tell
Them. It does seem common though from reading these messages not to tell so I’m not sure that’s unusual. I guess if there father was involved or there was a chance they would meet him then I may feel different but I think it’s because they won’t that it seems pointless mentioning it knowing that it won’t lead to anything, just lots of questions and wondering! I am taking the comments on board though.

Yes, you should definitely tell them. My friend’s dad had a wife and children before he met her mum (I believe her mum was his secretary, so you can imagine how that went down 😬). My friend was never told. They were about 10 years older than her and lived 5 hours away in another part of the country.

She was on holiday when she was about 14, to a place her family went to every year. It turns out her dad must have taken his other family there every year too. She was on the beach with a friend and got to talking with a family and their toddlers. They got to comparing where they lived and it turns out these people were her older half siblings and their partners! They recognised the village she lived in and said oh our dad lives there, but we rarely hear from them.

It was an awful way to find out and she went through a difficult few years after that.

Oh no that’s weird, sounds like he was living a double life! Luckily no chance of that here.

OP everyone in this thread is telling you that you should tell your children. I don't think you're going to and that's totally your decision, but FWIW I think you're creating problems for the future for your children, and they will look at you differently for not telling them.

OP. You won't get many questions, because they'll see you can't answer them.
Where do they live? Don't know.
What's the mother's name? Don't know.
Can we meet them? No because I don't know where they live or what their name is?
Can we search for them? No. But you can choose to when you are an adult.

Now imagine you tell them when they are 16. (Which one, your oldest or your youngest?)
You've got a half sibling.
OMG. How long have you known?
Oh, 10 years.
Why didn't you tell me before? You are so unfair. I've had a sibling all this time and you couldn't even be bothered to tell me. How could you keep this from me. What else are you keeping from me? How can I ever trust you again?

Another vote for telling them. Why wouldn't you? As many posters have said it caused problems for them finding out later down the road. As a pp said the younger child won't remember a time they didn't know. I'd be very angry if I found out as an adult I had a sibling I knew nothing about.

If you’re never going to contact the other woman, meaning there’s almost no chance of the children meeting anyway, then I wouldn’t bother until there’re a lot older. Tell them now and they’ll only have a hundred questions you can’t answer, or won’t want to.

Nothing wrong with them asking questions though is there?
Much better than finding out later and the distrust that could come of that.

The other woman or child may come looking. May contact your child directly via Facebook or whatever. A bolt from the blue at a time not of your choosing v telling them now in the context of looking through photos of the Dad.

You don't even have to use the words sibling or half-brother/sister. Your Dad had a child with someone else before / after we were together.

I would tell them incase they found out in future and resent you for not telling them sooner

Another way of thinking about this is what is the worst that could happen in each scenario. I personally think the 'worst case' scenarios get more and more bad the longer you leave it.

Worst case now is upset kids for a couple of weeks because they can't meet this sibling and you don't know answers.
Worst case in teens or later is them stopping trusting you as you have kept it secret so long and/or someone else tells them first.

I certainly would tell them, the younger the better.

A friend found out he had a half brother when he was in his 40's. It caused huge upset and he felt betrayed and lied to by his parents.

It took quite a while to rebuild his relationships with his parents.

The half brother had used social media to find my friends family and had made contact. A massive shock.

I would tell them yes, either they won't care that much and no harm done or they will care in which case would be angry you kept it from them. Of course they may never find out but why risk it? It's not unlikely that the half sibling knows about them and would try to make contact in the future.

Just tell them you don't know who the mum is and when they're old enough they could try and find out for themselves if they wished.

She can’t come looking for me as I don’t use social media, I also doubt she knows my name tbh, her and the son may look for my children once they are older but I don’t think they know their names and the only way to get that would be off ex who they were not in contact with, I’m not sure how willing he would be to give them over either as I doubt he would want them finding us, he has no family so no danger of any relatives telling them. But since the majority do think it’s best to tell I will have to seriously consider it.

It's possible that the older child will try to contact father and eventually find you and your two children.

Tell yours when you feel they are old enough to process it.