You know you have a toddler in the house when...

[EffiePerine]

Your bathtub contains 5 shampoo and shower gel bottles, a red truck and a mug

You lose you mobile and find it in the middle of the laundry basket

No matter how often you clear up, the floor is covered with toys, clothes and mangled pieces of food

Your kitchen floor is covered in squashed peas.

You enter your bedroom to find the duvet and all the pillows have been thrown the floor, so your bed can be used as a trampoline.

Your tax return is covered with purple scribbles.

The house becomes a bit whiffy... and you then discover a huge poo in the potty.

Better you than a guest though

Everyone in the house has to hook up and pretend to be carriages at 7pm. The toddler always gets to be the engine.

your dh's credit card is posted into the CD ROM drive.... (retrieved with tweezers)

your feminine hygiene products become a topic for sunday lunch...

indeed -when your anatomy (and eveyone elses) beomes a topic for.. whenever..

All the little engines are fast asleep in the engine shed now

mine b*y aren't.. just as DD settles, some bugger lets a firework off...

Poor love shrinkingsagpuss. lots of sympathy.

when none of your dvds will play properly, all stick, jump, stop due to jam/butter/biscuit splogs all over them

when you know ALL of the words to ALL of the cbeebies themes

when you actually physically relax when you hear the In The Night Garden theme tune cos then its nearly bedtime

when you get woken up every morning at 6am by "MUMMY, I done a POO" followed by the distinctive noise of a nappy being undone

When the postman comes to the front door and rings the bell with a parcel (which faces the door to the loo), and your two toddlers open the curtain to the partly glass front door, and, helpfully, the door to the loo.

You, are sitting on the loo trying to have a wee in private, only to find the postman watching you have a wee.

the LOO DOOR FACES THE FRONT DOOR. just to be clear about that. Not the parcel the postman brought.

he he he he

DS 'Mummy'?
Mcnoodle 'Yes Darling'?
DS 'Mummy'?
Mcnoodle 'Yes DS'?
DS 'Mummy'?
Mcnoodle 'What is it'?
DS 'Mummy'?
Mcnoodle 'Yeeeeesss'?
DS 'Mummy'?
Mcnoodle 'Mmmmmmmmm'
DS 'Mummy'?
Mcnoodle 'WHHHAAATTTTT'?
DS 'Fart coming mummy'?
Mcnoodle 'Oh well done darling!!!!!'

Repeat with a wide variety of revelations on part of toddler.

Drink wine

your freshly tumble-dried washing has been put onto 2.5hr 95degree wash and you notice about 10 mins in.

your cats drink cat biscuit flavoured water

you shout and curse idiot drivers with words such as 'silly man!' instead of something more vulgar.

You stop thinking the shower was meant for one

You stop thinking the bath was a place to relax, as you slip gently under the hot soapy water, rudely awoken by a barrage of items being thrown in after you, followed by the desperate howl of a little one wanting to join in.

The following phrases are uttered on a daily basis.

"Ill be there in a minute"

"Mummy only has one pair of hands"

Pleadingly "Please put your pants/trousers/shoes/coat on"

"No you can't have chocolate before breakfast,you can have some after you have eaten your dinner"

"Please don't do that to your little sister"

Finally after the 2000th why question of the day

"I just DON'T KNOW WHY" (weary exasperation.)
Am terrible mother.I do say loving things too its just certain phrases seem to slip out with alarming regularity.

my mother asked me if I was having an early night when I went to bed at 10 pm!!

wrinkly - currently -

when every other word is 'no' whilst rescuing the cat from tail being pulled, or when the computer is about to be turned off at the switch, or when the phone is about to be unplugged during an important phone call

I know how you feel!

You go to clean toilet with toilet brush...

aaarghh have to get past the zillion sheets of soggy toilet paper first...

wrapped lovingly by DS and oh look he's topped it with a nice little brown present, how thoughtful

When you find you have no hot water and the engineer doesn't come til the next day, to find it's probably because DD has flicked a switch in the airing cupboard whilst playing hide and seek! Oops

Your DS climbs on your knee for a cuddle and says "Mummy, I love you mummy" and then voms all over you a la The Exorcist

you cant find the sodding hoover brush attachment anywhere, (even though you put it on the bannister the other day with every intention of puting it back on the hoover before being interupted)....

the CDs in your car have been replaced with Roald Dahl audio books, favuorite nursery rhymes and the best of the bleeding Wiggles.

lolol at some of these

when you find your underwear on the pavement outside as someone decided it would be fun to put it through the letterbox