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Original poster

If your parents had an age gap, how did it affect you?

61 replies

lifejusthappens · 19/03/2021 16:33

I’m going to regret starting this thread I’m sure. I never thought I’d be in an ‘age gap’ relationship but here I am, he’s 15 years older than me. We have one DC and are TTC for another. 15 years isn’t the sort of gap he’ll get bullied over, right? By other kids? It won’t have a huge effect on him? My husband is early 40s, so not a hugely ‘old’ dad by modern standards?

If your parents had an age gap, did it affect you? We’re you ever bullied for it?

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Watto1 · 19/03/2021 21:38

My dad was 12 years older than mum. Like other posters, he was often mistaken for my grandfather. One dickhead teased my about having an older father but friends didn’t care. They found him funny and genuinely laughed at his jokes (rather than laughing at him). Sadly he died before I hit 30 and I miss him terribly.

Etulosba · 19/03/2021 21:46

My dad was 12 years older than mum

Same here. It absolutely no affect on me at all. Amongst my peers it wasn't that unusual so I never thought anything of it. I certainly didn't get bullied for it.

Poorlykitten · 19/03/2021 21:49

My Mum was 10 years older than my Dad. She outlived him significantly as he died of cancer in his early 70s and was was 90 when she passed. They were extremely happy together and very much in love.

Interested in this thread?

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15 year olds Families General parenting
LimpLettice · 19/03/2021 22:02

11 years. No affect whatsoever.

Doublechins · 19/03/2021 22:04

16 year age gap and it didn't effect my life one bit. My dad is actually only 2 years younger than my grandmother.

Original poster
lifejusthappens · 20/03/2021 11:27

Reassuring - thank you!

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sas1879 · 22/03/2021 13:21

37 years between my parents and yes it massively affected me. I was constantly bullied at every school because my parents age gap.
Children can be very cruel sadly.

Worknoplay · 22/03/2021 13:26

Not me but DH. His dad was 25 years older than his mum.

He never said to me that he was bullied but for him he missed the physical side of parenting, his dad never did any activities/sports with him apart from walking. He had to care for his dad growing up as his mum suffered from depression. His dad bragged (right until his death) that he had never cooked a meal for himself in his life - his mother looked after him, then his wife (or DH when his mum wasn't well).

It has seriously affected him. It doesn't have to be this way, I am sure that some older parents are still quite good at looking after their children. As a consequence, DH and I is often out with our DCs playing football/cricket/whatever with a ball, bike rides, climbing etc. DH really missed this growing up.

Original poster
lifejusthappens · 22/03/2021 13:31

@sas1879

37 years between my parents and yes it massively affected me. I was constantly bullied at every school because my parents age gap. Children can be very cruel sadly.
That’s a very big gap! I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope 15 years won’t have as negative an impact on my son.
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Original poster
lifejusthappens · 22/03/2021 13:32

@Worknoplay

Not me but DH. His dad was 25 years older than his mum.

He never said to me that he was bullied but for him he missed the physical side of parenting, his dad never did any activities/sports with him apart from walking. He had to care for his dad growing up as his mum suffered from depression. His dad bragged (right until his death) that he had never cooked a meal for himself in his life - his mother looked after him, then his wife (or DH when his mum wasn't well).

It has seriously affected him. It doesn't have to be this way, I am sure that some older parents are still quite good at looking after their children. As a consequence, DH and I is often out with our DCs playing football/cricket/whatever with a ball, bike rides, climbing etc. DH really missed this growing up.

DH is only early 40s and is very active with our toddler, I like to think that won’t change anytime soon! Thank you for your input, it’s important to consider all aspects so will make sure dh stays fit and healthy as far as he can control that anyway.
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Ineedaneasteregg · 22/03/2021 13:45

DH parents had an age gap.
At first it made no difference.
But older parent suffered from ill health and then died while dc were still living at home.
They were unlucky because parent was only in their sixties.
But it had a huge impact on the family.

Original poster
lifejusthappens · 22/03/2021 14:07

@Ineedaneasteregg

DH parents had an age gap. At first it made no difference. But older parent suffered from ill health and then died while dc were still living at home. They were unlucky because parent was only in their sixties. But it had a huge impact on the family.
That is a sad story. It doesn’t seem really linked to the age gap though. My parents had me at 40 so even with them being the same age if either had died at 60 I would of been at home as your DH was. I hope the younger parent was able to move on in whatever sense of the word and be happy.
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Ineedaneasteregg · 22/03/2021 14:39

I think that the older parent was old in terms of parents at that time and only had dc because the younger parent wanted them.
The age gap bit came in as the illness made the age more noticeable.
I'm not sure that a gap between parents impacts dc as much as having an older parent does.

And any parent can be unlucky and get ill at any age.

The younger parent was left with little income and the family found the first few years very difficult. There has been no new partner and the younger sibling was significantly emotionally impacted.

But they were very unlucky and it was more to do with the older parent having dc rather than an age gap.

feathersandferns · 22/03/2021 14:50

My parents had the same age gap and had me at the same age as your DC. I don't recall any of my classmates ever noticing or caring!

Original poster
lifejusthappens · 22/03/2021 14:53

@feathersandferns

My parents had the same age gap and had me at the same age as your DC. I don't recall any of my classmates ever noticing or caring!
Thank you for that! If it’s ok to ask, how is your parents relationship now? Has the age gap gotten more noticeable with age or are they still happy?
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Annabell47 · 22/03/2021 15:16

I can honestly say when I was young I didn't notice my friends parents ages and until I was older hadn't realised there were big age gaps, maybe I wasn't that observant to those kinds of things (it didn't matter to me anyway). However I will say I do notice that the reverse (not such an age gap with partner etc) my eldest was actually bullied (teased maybe the better choice of words) for me looking very young (had him in early twenties so not that young however I looked young) he was teased alot for me looking younger and also used to get embarrassed that people thought I was his sister when he hit teenage years. Sometimes you just can't win. Whatever happens in the larger scale of things your children won't likely be severely bullied by it, my eldest laughs about it now but he did say it was 'annoying'. I have a younger DD now who is 11 years younger than her brother and will have me as the 'older' looking parent this time round. Best of both I suppose.

If your partner looks younger I'm sure most kids won't notice and it'll be a short topic for while when they are at the age of 'what age is your mum and dad' kind of chat. They soon move on to other topics. 🙂

CatherineMaitland · 22/03/2021 15:28

Absolutely no bullying, but it taught me that age both doesn't and does matter. My parents were 23 years apart. I did get curious comments from other kids sometimes but that's very different and didn't bother me. It also teaches you that not all families have to be the same.

It doesn't matter because if two people love each other and have a meeting of souls (for want of a better way of putting it) there's no reason why they can't be happy. And what other people think about that REALLY doesn't matter a damn.

And it does matter, because two people living at different life stages really do need to communicate and compromise at times. Doesn't mean it can't work, of course it can. But worth thinking about.

Original poster
lifejusthappens · 22/03/2021 18:08

Thanks both for your comments. It’s a hard subject for me as I love my husband and our life so much, I just get so worried about the future.

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feathersandferns · 23/03/2021 07:17

@lifejusthappens Not what you are going to want to hear, but they separated when I was in my late teens. Not to do with the age gap though! And then my mum - the younger one - died a couple of years later of cancer in her mid-forties. Today, my dad is still hale and hearty in his seventies. Not what they had expected to happen at all - they had always assumed he would die first x

feathersandferns · 23/03/2021 07:22

Sorry, that was a bit of a downer of a post! I guess the take away from that is... In the end, the age gap had no significance. Even if they had stayed together, it would have had no significance in light of what happened to my mum. It just wasn't a big deal. Life chucks things at us that are way more important than age gaps.

Also, my best friend at school had parents with a 16 year age gap (mine were 15 years). Also not an issue x

lollipoprainbow · 23/03/2021 07:25

My dad was 50 when I was born and my mum 36 I don't recall getting teased about it at school.

macaronirabbit · 23/03/2021 07:28

I have an age gap relationship - my DH is 16 years older then me. As far as I know my DC havent been bullied for it. He is older than most of the other dads (only by a few years in some cases) but I am younger than most of the other mums, in DDs cohort.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 23/03/2021 07:32

This has had no impact on our (adult) kids at all. Their dad was early 40’s when they were born and I was late 20’s. All of their friends parents are around his age, I’m the anomaly- which they like. My DH has definitely kept younger having kids later in life. A non issue.
Not sure that I would have chosen it for mine for other reasons looking back but that isn’t one of them.

Soontobe60 · 23/03/2021 07:42

A friend of mine has a 20 year age gap with her DH. He’s just taken early retirement at 55 and looks after their twin girls who start school in September. He’s got adult children from his first marriage.
She has started to resent him being able to look after the kids, he’s started to resent her being able to spend time away from the family at work, people often mistake him for their grandad. She will have to work for at least another 25 years by which time he will be 80. It’s all a bit weird.

Icenii · 23/03/2021 07:47

11 years between us and DH. DH is 54 and we have DD9. His other children are late 20s.

My SIL lost her dad at 16 when he was 40. My friend at school lost both her Dad and stepdad a year a part. It can and does happen at any age.

DH keeps himself fit. He has a lot of energy. He does a lot of things with DD. He certainly isn't slowing down yet.

Yes he looks much older than me. DD laughs about it. She is relaxed. DH has all his experience with previous children that helps. My DSSs love DD. They spend several hours a week playing online with her while we worked from home during lockdown to help out and to give her company.

You could focus on something and say it contributed to you being xyz as an adult, but honestly, we're all a product of our upbringing regardless of the age or age gap of parents, and every parent is far from perfect. My DF has a condition which puts him under 5 foot, a long with me. I saw all the comments and looks from people, and it's made me insecure about it and very introverted, but so what? It's not the end of the world and my parents did their best, so it doesn't matter.