How do you get an 8yo to have a shower?

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Just that. We’re fine with behaving “well” most of the time but bedtime is always a nightmare. Won’t get in the shower (or bath) just wants to roll around/hug people instead.

Has anyone got past this? We’ve just spent 30 minutes on me talking him into having a shower. Again.

He's not trying to rule the house, he doesn't think he's the boss of you, he's not trying to execute some sort of domestic coup.

No, of course he's not - he's a little boy. He's just testing the boundaries, as children do. I let them know that they've bumped into one of the boundaries. Sensible, consistent rules make children feel safe.

There's a really good resource that I I can't work out how to link to.

It's 9 pages and called "Kids do well if they can." If you Google the title there is other relevant content but the 9 page vooklet is a really good summary around "power struggles" and behaviour.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

Tbh at 8 he should just be getting on with it. He should be doing it all on his own without any drama.

Thanks. I know this is not what he "should" be doing.

My 12y showers every morning. That is it and he knows it. I do no take any nonsense about this.

Is he avoidant of other demands, or just this one?

Sigh. Ignore all those who have kids who don't have a problem with it. I wouldnt go onto a thread about kids who don't sleep through and say "well mine does!" Or onto a thread for kids who can't yet walk and say "well mine just walks!" Or a thread about someone who struggles with maths and say "well mine just gets it first time."

Why parents do this or think this helps in any way I don't know :(

@BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl

There's a really good resource that I I can't work out how to link to.

It's 9 pages and called "Kids do well if they can." If you Google the title there is other relevant content but the 9 page vooklet is a really good summary around "power struggles" and behaviour.

Thank you - I've found it and it looks useful

@Misty9

Is he avoidant of other demands, or just this one?

I'd say 90% is this one. We've even got through home schooling with most of the struggle being shower time.

We had the same for months then I realised the shower day non shower day was causing an issue as they tried to worm around changing days etc.
So much easier with every day being a shower day. Also, they need to immediately get in after school and out of their uniform. So even though it’s done after 10 mins faffing, we are faff free from 4.15. Everyone can relax then

Interesting it's the only thing he avoids. I'm guessing you've tried asking him why he makes such a fuss? I just get "don't know" all the time from ds

Is he just not a fan of the shower? Sorry not read other replies but my 10 year old hates & I can't stress enough HATES a shower. Is a bath an option? I've made a deal with both my DC 10 & 5. They bath every other day as soon as we get in. DS10 has to literally come in & sort out his PJs & start running his bath, then blow dry his hair before he is allowed any screen time. Same for DS5 although I obviously bath & dry him. Both moan about having to have one but then end up spending the best part of an hour in there just pruning away 😂

My 9 year old hates having his hair washed and will try his best not to go in the shower, not much better in the bath tbh but blackmailing him with a hot chocolate seems to work!

@Misty9

Interesting it's the only thing he avoids. I'm guessing you've tried asking him why he makes such a fuss? I just get "don't know" all the time from ds

I've asked as an open question, and tried a few rounds of 20 questions - "don't know" to all.

Just so tiring to go through so much refusal to suddenly switch to in the shower, happy and telling me about all his favourite things (Pokémon battles, mostly).

@Mummaofboys93

Is he just not a fan of the shower? Sorry not read other replies but my 10 year old hates & I can't stress enough HATES a shower. Is a bath an option? I've made a deal with both my DC 10 & 5. They bath every other day as soon as we get in. DS10 has to literally come in & sort out his PJs & start running his bath, then blow dry his hair before he is allowed any screen time. Same for DS5 although I obviously bath & dry him. Both moan about having to have one but then end up spending the best part of an hour in there just pruning away 😂

He's as difficult getting in the bath, and then there's the added stress of trying to run it during all this. Similar to yours once he's in the shower he is fine there.

It's the wrong time for a shower imo. I find they wake me up more than anything else!

Change the time of day he has it. Home from the park and in the shower. Consequences are then a bit more natural:

eg. if you refuse to shower you get less TV or screen time.

My DD hates bath/showering so I know child soap dodger when I see one but you do have to be clear about the outcome which is to be passably clean.

Thanks for the helpful ideas. I'll think through, and try the tactic of asking him how we can change things first - one of the options will be shower after school before putting non-school clothes on.

Was just coming on to say after school.

My dd also 8 is a soap dodger, set days for bath / shower. Sunday, Tuesday & Thursday after school, no gaming, tv or laptop unless she's washed.

For muddy knees and legs I would just fill the sink and give him a flannel to wash down on the non shower days.
Good luck!

I agree with the posters saying this sounds like anxiety, or a 'can't' rather than a 'won't' situation - all the stern looks and consequences in the world won't actually problem solve what's going on for your son.
Out of 3 children I have 1 autistic child and 1 with sensory processing disorder, and it's comments from parents like 'you're the boss, just make them behave' that sent me to the edge of feeling like the shittest, most useless mother.
OP I'm not suggesting that your son has underlying neurodiversities, but there may be something that just needs unpicking about showers, or washing, or water. I get that you've asked him and he doesn't know what the issue is, we have that a lot and have to be really creative in trying to understand how our children are feeling or thinking. My DD, for example, who has SPD, used to get hysterical getting out of the bath, because it was cold, so after a lot of trial and error we discovered that her getting straight out into a warm towel and immediately blow drying her next to the radiator solved the 'problem behaviour'. Try and unpack every stage of the process to see where he is coming unstuck.
I would recommend all parents to read 'beyond behaviours' by Mona Delahook for a much better explanation that I've attempted here.

We do bath/shower as soon as we get in. So school pick up, home via the park for a good run around. Once home, immediately into the shower then pjs before they do any play/screen time.

one of the options will be shower after school before putting non-school clothes on

Why does he change clothes?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

one of the options will be shower after school before putting non-school clothes on

Why does he change clothes?

I get mine to change clothes as otherwise they drop dinner down their uniform etc. I think it's nice to delineate school and home anyway and sometimes get changed myself :)

2 ideas for you:

Instead of a shower, would he be happy sitting on the edge of the bath and washing the mud off his legs with a sponge? And sponging his armpits with soap and water each morning? Maybe one proper shower a week on the weekend.

Second, when he's clinging to you, how about you suggest a shower together - go to the bathroom and start getting undressed. Either he actually would like it (if showers give him anxiety) or it will horrify him and he'll get off you 😛

Thank you all for the suggestions. We had a chat over dinner and discussed it. Last night went much more smoothly: half an hour earlier with promise of reading together with a cup of warm milk.

@Bernadette we do exactly the same