How do you get an 8yo to have a shower?

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Just that. We’re fine with behaving “well” most of the time but bedtime is always a nightmare. Won’t get in the shower (or bath) just wants to roll around/hug people instead.

Has anyone got past this? We’ve just spent 30 minutes on me talking him into having a shower. Again.

@BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl

Apologies so so many typos. I can't type on a phone and don't "see" the typos until too late.

Good luck OP. All children have their "thing" or "things" that are difficult and other parents (like here) may "helpfully" say, " well just tell them....". See also sleeping through/potty training/getting dresssed/lesrning to read/ all the other things your child will have been through!

Thank you

Agree with other posters to moving it earlier. We’ve just moved bath to before dinner as they are getting too old to find bath/shower time wind-down time, it’s more like wind-each-other-up-time.

You need to cultivate a tone of voice that cuts through the nonsense. A long hard stare wouldn’t go amiss either.

My 6yo is the same! He is so well behaved and will go from voluntarily cleaning away the dinner plates to doing various jumps/dives/runs as soon as a bath is mentioned. He'll have one but is then hyper when he gets out too! I think it's because dh does the bedtime routine and he's just so excited. We find asking him a deep question when he starts to go a bit mad helps. Tonight, dh asked "why is a guinea pig poo curved but a rabbit poo spherical." Ds was hooked!

And sometimes confiscating wont work they cant link A and B. If someone told me to hold a spider I couldnt do it . If you said you'd take away my lovely bar of chocolate if I didn't hold it I wouldn't hold the spider. I'd be anxious about the spider AND cross about the chocolate. It can escalate rather than de escalate a situation at times.

Finding out why I don't want to hold a spider and helping would work better.

If a child has worked themself up about something (however "small" that thing is to us) to add on punishments can make it worse.

I agree with those who suggest taking a gentler approach (not saying you're not gentle, I'm sure you are!)

I had the most horrendous battles like this with DS1 when he was younger. Didn't want his hair cut, didn't want his feet measured, refused to take medicine.

I ended up talking to a child psychologist who gave me the best advice I've ever had on parenting: 'he's telling you what his anxieties are. You need to listen.'

It's not life or death. It's some mud. Maybe try (when he's calm and happy) saying something like: right then. I know you hate the shower before bed. But going to bed with mud up your legs is a problem, because it makes the bedding dirty, which means we have to wash it more, and the mud could irritate your skin and make you sore. So what do you think a better solution might be? Can you help me find a better way?

I'd really recommend Philippa Perry's parenting book as well - 'The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read'

Sensitive kids are a real challenge! (And no, just saying 'my house my rules' doesn't work - not if you want any sort of trusting relationship with them.) DS1 is 18 now and regularly gets his hair cut and feet measured and all that jazz (he still hates taking medicine though... but thankfully for us that's never been a life or death issue so if he wants to have a headache instead of taking paracetamol that's up to him.)

I'd personally give a bath not a shower as a shower can be quite stimulating and not as relaxing and slowing down as a bath. I'd do it every night and keep to your the routine. I'd have a whole routine - from watching TV, to bath, to stories and milk, cleaning teeth and bed.

But to be fair I did this consistently every night from a baby so it was part of my DCs lives by the time they were 8.

My son showers in the morning, then has has his breakfast - he tends not to want to in the evening and it works out well as my other son likes a shower and fresh pyjamas in the evening so they don't clash.

Another approach is the "its dinner then striaght in the shower tonight." Then at dinner "ooh shower night, after your shower do you want x story or y story. "Or "after your shower shall we watch a short episode of x?" So already there's a thing to look forwards to next and you're not focusing on the shower.

Another option is similar to earlier. When mentioning again that you know he finds showers difficult - suggest a trip to the supermarket the next day to choose something that smells nice (if that works for him) for his shower. Or suggest the cray bath foam. Both my older ones still like that. Anything to break the negative cycle.

The end game being that its routine. Known. Every other day say with a set time and routine and something nice after/connection and bedtime.

I'll stop waffling now!

He is 8 not 4. I would say this to him. He needs to learn basic hygiene so give him three options, bath, shower or flannel. If he doesn’t present as clean then he can’t go to the Park (insert pleasant activity)! Point out that you are tired of this nonsense and you have better things to do with your time. You need to be stern and firm but not shout. Maintain a distance, he should not be clinging to you - this is already becoming a power struggle! Tell him “Do not cling to me, you are too old to behave like this!” Also do not call him “darling” or any other term of endearment until he comes forth fresh as a daisy.

9 year old goes in shower straight after school now...we've been doing it since they went back after the first lockdown and it works a treat. He knows if he messes around going in or spends ages in there then its his own free time that gets cut short. His recent thing is trying to tell us how tired he is when we send him up to bed so that he doesn't have to brush his teeth 😒 just don't even entertain that one, tell him we'll have to make bedtime sooner and he sharp gets in the bathroom to brush his teeth 😅

Pacifix. Yes!

Okay, this is what I've done. May or may not work for you.

No battles. No negotiations. You don't battle over a basic daily activity about which there can be no compromise.

The expectation is (insert your expectation here!). If you do not do it, there will be Consequence X. (comic on shelf) If you do not respond to Consequence X (or you respond by rolling around on the floor), then Consequence Y comes into effect (I dunno what this might be for you? Taking away some Lego? Or screen time? Or take away the Comic but for a longer time?) If still no joy, then we're going for Consequence Z (yup, something else is being taken away, or taken away for longer).

Follow through. Every time. Don't raise your voice. Don't sound exhausted or upset. Just state the facts.

Never vary the expectation that you started with. In fact, you might want to consider a shower every night, just so that is always the routine. (Or not! I don't want to make your life worse.)

Obviously you need to set reasonable expectations. But a shower isn't unreasonable! Good luck.

It's not a power struggle, not necessarily. And framing it in that way can make the dynamic a lot worse.

He's not trying to rule the house, he doesn't think he's the boss of you, he's not trying to execute some sort of domestic coup.

He's still a little boy and for whatever reason, this before-bed shower makes him anxious or worried. That's it. That's literally all there is.

@BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl

Just tell him bedtime is bedtime. No stories until baths are done and if he faffs around to much then there 'wont be time'. His choice.

But where do you stop? For many children who are sensitive this just ends up in harsher and harsher "consequences" with no real gain.

My 9 year old started refusing showers. I told him the truth. I don't want him going into school smelly with greasy hair. The teacher will think I'm not looking after him. Seemed to work.

Honestly one reason I feel strongly about this is because I remember how angry and frustrated I used to get with my DS before I saw the light - and I see pictures now of him at that age and really, 8 is still very little. As his mum you are absolutely, unquestionably a hugely powerful figure to him. If he's putting this much of himself into resisting something, and getting into trouble and making you angry in the process, he's not doing it for fun.

My DC is much younger than yours. He listens to a story in the bath which he loves (I put the CD player just outside in the corrider). No idea whether that would work with your DS.

I've never gotten past the mere mention of Consequence 3. They just up and do it.

I'm assuming, because the OP says this has been going on a while, that she had already considered that he might be terrified of showers. I'm assuming that's not the case.

PacificState

If he is clinging to her there is literally a physical struggle going on. You need to say it as it is. “You need to get the mud off... who do you think is going to clean the sofa/carpet?”.

@Bouledeneige

I'd personally give a bath not a shower as a shower can be quite stimulating and not as relaxing and slowing down as a bath. I'd do it every night and keep to your the routine. I'd have a whole routine - from watching TV, to bath, to stories and milk, cleaning teeth and bed.

But to be fair I did this consistently every night from a baby so it was part of my DCs lives by the time they were 8.

We also set that routine up when DS was a baby. And a bath is less calm: all that water to play in. Plus harder to time a warm bath with this chaos: if I run it at the start of would often be cold before he was in it. If I started running it when he starts cooperating, he sometimes gets difficult again before it's full. Shower makes life easier as as soon as he does undress and get in it, it's ready.

He doesn’t have to have a bath or shower, he can just flannel himself clean. Ex boyfriend was in the Army - he said that one of the first things they they taught them all was how to wash. It is a basic life skill.

Tbh at 8 he should just be getting on with it. He should be doing it all on his own without any drama.

Escalating consequences once he is upset about one definitely doesn't work. He gets more and more worked up beyond all reason.

That its becoming a struggle of trying to peel and clinging child off me (who has hardly seen friends for large chunks of the last year - we are in an area which had had longer restrictions) is distressing to both of us and I am worried about how I will stay calm through this when he's getting strong enough that I can't peel him off.

Once he is in the shower he is perfectly happy and will call me in to chat while he washes. It's just getting him under it in the first place that is a struggle.