Hit my toddler. Sitting here in tears.

[Tenderandtired30]

I feel like the worst mum in the world right now and so very ashamed.

I'm a single mum to 2.5 twins. They are wonderful, happy children but are currently going through a stage of near constant twisting, tantrums every five minutes etc. I know it's their age etc. etc. but it's really starting to wear me down. Recently I've been aware of turning into shouty mum who isin't handling things well and it's just not who I want to be.

Today was extra stressful. One tantrum/complaint after another. I'm feeling really run down at the moment (just gotten over shingles) and just felt so tired. I decided to take them out for a walk to get some fresh air. They got into pushchair and DD started trying to pull DD2 hat off while hitting him. I asked her to stop three times and she did'nt. I just absolutely saw red and hit her on head (not hard) while taking DD2 hat off her. She started crying and I just felt to terrible. I apologised and she stopped crying after a few minutes.

I don't agree with hitting children at all and now the guilt is crippling me. I need advice to make sure it NEVER happens again

@DareIask

I think almost all parents have incidents they'd rather hadn't happened if they were honest.

Put it behind you.

Yes to this!! None of us get it right every time, I don't have any advice but I really bet that you're at your limit is there anything you can drop for now? Less hours at work or your college course just temporarily whilst your twins are at the most delightful age ever 😂 and whilst you're working through your anger at your utter prick of an ex, it sounds like you're suffering from burnout

It's fine. 2.5 year old twins? You're a bloody inspiration

Myself and my siblings were all smacked when we were younger, none of us are damaged and we have a good relationship with our mum (dad not so much but for different reasons). I have zero bad feelings towards what they did because I realise how fucking annoying and naughty we could be. I realise it is no longer acceptable to do this and I wouldn't now smack my children but I would honestly just put it behind you and move on. They will have forgotten and so should you.

I remember I was baby sitting my nephew when he was younger and he was really testing my patience, I hit the back of his hand (really not very hard) and he smacked me back. I told my sister and she was absolutely horrified at me loosing my temper at him. He is now an extremely disrespectful 12 year old 🙄 she doesn't discipline him because she gets really bad mum guilt and just wants him to love her. Honestly I think being a parent is a bloody struggle sometimes and it is okay to lose your temper when under a lot of pressure, not to hit but we all have a breaking point. Look after yourself!

I think you need to give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up .
You are doing a very challenging job in very challenging times and you are only human .

We’ve all done things as parents that we would prefer not to have... and stress can get too much sometimes.
You’ve apologised and your child will forget . Your children love you .
Be kind to yourself and grab every moment of rest that you can with the support you have available.

Take care and good luck ..

Hi OP, I'm also a single parent to twins ( one-year olds). A while ago, they were winding me up, and I shouted at them to shut up. They both started to cry, due to the raised voice. I'm felt AWFUL. So ashamed that I'd lost control.
I apologized to them, and frequently say to myself "I will never shout at the babies again". Sometimes there's a few muttered expletives, as I'm trying to wrangle them into the buggy/sleep-sac etc.
I've learnt to control my frustration, by breathing slowly, counting to 10. All the books say to step away if you feel you're nearing your limit, but sometimes it's impossible to do that as a single mum.
My family frequently comment on how patient I am with the babies. I know that that's a learned patience, since I shocked myself by losing control.
You feel bad about it, and the twins won't remember. Perhaps do look up mechanisms and tips to stay calm.

@grassisjeweled

It's fine. 2.5 year old twins? You're a bloody inspiration

Oh yes and OP read this to yourself regularly. @grassisjeweled totally nailed it ..

Of course you're not a bad mother. I understand how dreadful you feel, I did something similar once and still feel the shame now (even though she was being a naughty little shit!).

At the time my own mum told me to always remember, nobody loves or does more for your child than you. Parenting doesn't come with a manual. You're human, you hit a limit and reacted, but as long as your daughter goes through life feeling loved and secure she'll be very lucky. Treat this one as a lesson and move on.

Hats off to you for coping on your own with twin toddlers during lockdown!

Op I’ve been in your shoes - only tonight I lost it with my 2.5 year old and I’ve been punishing myself all evening for it so I feel your pain.

For those of you that say ‘when you feel it getting too much walk away’, what would you say to someone who was laughing and joking with their toddler one minute then the toddler did something that just flicked the switch and the parent didn’t have time to recognise what was happening so couldn’t walk away and take a breather so just reacted in the moment?

I’m guessing that’s what happened to the op too as that snap reaction doesn’t come from a long thought process. I know that didn’t happen to me and I can’t think for the life of me how to stop that happening again when I can’t see it coming.

It’s okay that children see you’re imperfect. You said sorry which is an important lesson to show your children, that we say sorry and make up when we hurt others emotionally and physically.
Your DD will forgive you and you need to forgive yourself.
Try to put some positive things in place to avoid it happening again and you’ll feel better. Maybe a reward system or a time out system.

I've never hit my kids. That doesn't make me better than you, I have a supportive husband that can take over and I have been tempted. I don't have twins either. I often wonder if, where so many of us were hit as kids, it subconsciously taught us it's ok and we've had to unlearn it. I never want to hit my children and clearly neither do you judging by your reaction to it.
Can you get any time in a park or anything with a friend so your kids can run off steam and you can fill your cup? You are clearly running on emotional empty and need some self care. Do you have any family support?

@Kittykat93 - shame on me? Seriously? You don't know me, or anything about me.

OP, none of us have walked a day in your shoes, just wanted to let you know your not alone x

Oh dear OP. I am so sorry and just want to say you aren't the only one. I grew up in a nonviolent home where spanking wasn't ever a thing. I'm a pretty chill person in general. And despite all that, I lost my temper a few times and hit my dear DD2 once when she was 3 and hit my DD1 twice (once when she was maybe 2.5 and once when she was 6). I felt horrid each time and wanted to die. Nobody is a perfect mom. We do our best.

OP I have 4YO twins although they are both autistic and very delayed - in some areas like running and climbing they are on track and in others they are still in the 0-11 months range. It is BRUTAL sometimes. I’m lucky to have an involved DH but the past year has broken me several times over. The lack of respite has been awful.

I know how it feels when people say you’re doing a great job and you think I’m so fucking not. But you are. None of us are perfect, and none of us are superhuman. We all react badly to things sometimes when we are overwhelmed and exhausted. Any chance you’re on tax credits or UC? That might cover most of the cost of some additional nursery time so you can get a break. When is nursery reopening and could you maybe take a day or two off work as leave when it does? It’s so important that you get some time to actually have a break, physically and mentally. Sending you

What you deem as being not hard may be different to what is felt by your child.
You definitely need to learn from the situation and prepare for when it happens again, your twins will fight, bicker etc but how you deal with it what them is what’s important.

@gaywhore1234 great user name.... and what a helpful comment!
You should feel proud of yourself.

I have never hit my son but I have definitely 100% felt like it and I've really shouted at him instead which I really don't think is a much better way of dealing with things. I think the important thing here is you've realised it wasn't OK and you've immediately apologised. I always make sure if I ever shout at my son I apologise.

Fwiw I remember my mum properly losing her rag with me once or twice and hitting me. I can't say it has affected our relationship in any way, she's my best friend.

I was a child of physical abuse, let’s just say it didn’t do me any favours

I was a child of physical abuse, let’s just say it didn’t do me any favours

And do you think there might be a difference between a parent who has done something in a moment of anger she bitterly regrets, recognises was wrong, has immediately apologised for and will almost certainly never do again, and a parent who routinely physically abuses their children?

Neither are OK but one is clearly worse.

There’s a book called 123 Magic (on Amazon etc) which is all about counting to 3 to stop bad behaviour then if they get to 3 there’s a consequence (time out or natural consequences). Whereas to get them to do more of good things like tidying or getting dressed or whatever, counting won’t really work.

I haven’t read it in full, just bits, and read about it first on here. We were already doing much of the stuff to encourage good behaviour but the counting helped with bad behaviour because DC knew that once I started counting he needed to stop doing x.

Just 💐💐💐

Full credit to you for taking responsibility and recognising that was not how you wanted to respond and just the act of writing this thread and talking it through with others will help you respond differently in future. You can discuss it with your counsellor but you just sound like you're under an incredible amount of pressure.

@DareIask

I think almost all parents have incidents they'd rather hadn't happened if they were honest.

Put it behind you.

Totally agree with this. We have all had incidents we wouldn’t want to repeat. We are not perfect.

@WashableVelvet I'll have a look for that book. Thank you.

@gaywhore1234 I'm sorry for your experiences but I don't physically abuse my children. It was an isolated incident that won't happen again.

@rainbowninja I'm scared my counsellor will report me to SS. We were already discussing last week about how I'm struggling.

I've been awake since 3.30am (going through an early menopause to add to the fun) Don't know how I'm going to get through the day...

[quote Seriously79]@Kittykat93 - shame on me? Seriously? You don't know me, or anything about me.

OP, none of us have walked a day in your shoes, just wanted to let you know your not alone x [/quote]
Well the only thing I know about you is you hit a 20 month old. So yeah shame on you, dont give a fuck if I havent walked a day in your shoes..you dont hit babies ffs.

Take the pressure off today any way you can. Can you go to see your parents for a coffee or lunch, or take one of the twins to them and keep one with you? Does that help? Can you arrange to walk with a friend with the twins if weather permits? Go sit in a friend's garden and have coffee? Break the bloody rules a little if need be because you really need a break right now. You are a good loving lovely caring mum. Give yourself a big hug. You wouldn't feel the way you do if you were a bad mum.