Hit my toddler. Sitting here in tears.

[Tenderandtired30]

I feel like the worst mum in the world right now and so very ashamed.

I'm a single mum to 2.5 twins. They are wonderful, happy children but are currently going through a stage of near constant twisting, tantrums every five minutes etc. I know it's their age etc. etc. but it's really starting to wear me down. Recently I've been aware of turning into shouty mum who isin't handling things well and it's just not who I want to be.

Today was extra stressful. One tantrum/complaint after another. I'm feeling really run down at the moment (just gotten over shingles) and just felt so tired. I decided to take them out for a walk to get some fresh air. They got into pushchair and DD started trying to pull DD2 hat off while hitting him. I asked her to stop three times and she did'nt. I just absolutely saw red and hit her on head (not hard) while taking DD2 hat off her. She started crying and I just felt to terrible. I apologised and she stopped crying after a few minutes.

I don't agree with hitting children at all and now the guilt is crippling me. I need advice to make sure it NEVER happens again

I smacked my DD when she was young and it was literally just a tap but she screamed and I saw the fear in her face and I still feel so guilty!
I just tell myself that it was literally just a tap and I know many people who were/still are smacked and they are fine. So a one off is nothing.

@Seriously79

Ahhh love! We've all been there (lots wouldn't admit it though) I've tapped DD on the legs when she's been naughty, she 20 months and hated myself for it.

A little tap is a world away from 'beating' a child. Cut yourself some slack, have an early night, tomorrow is a new day x

Erm I wouldnt say 'we've all been there'..I've never hit my children no matter how naughty they've been. I've never been violent to anyone why would I be violent to the thing I love the most. And smacking a 20 month old? Shame on you seriously79.

OP, you need to ensure this doesn't happen again as you already know. You sound absolutely shattered and like you need some extra support in real life. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

Sympathy OP. Most of us have been there - I certainly have. Please don't beat yourself up. You are doing your best under very trying circumstances. Use it as a learning opportunity to figure out how to avoid triggers. And to recognise that you need some help and support. You sound a lovely mum.

Sending you lots of love OP - parenting and lockdown is tough. With 2 on your own you must be really feeling it.

I am a single parent and my 3yo DS is flying in to rage at the drop of a hat. I'm finding it really tough and question myself with everything I do or try.

Be kind to yourself and get some rest anyway you can xx

You can only be the best mum you can be. You will never be perfect. I ‘slapped’ mine a handful of times in many years and I still feel guilty about them all. However, we are humans, and they push a lot of our buttons sometimes. We can work on ourselves and our patience every single day, and aim to be better parents, but also be humble and say sorry when we make mistakes, and you did that.
One thing is hurting your child repeatedly and have no problem with such behaviour, and one thing is losing your patience once every blue moon and realising that that’s not good.

[quote Tenderandtired30]@PrincessesRUs Thank you. I just honestly feel so awful about it.

@Desmondo2016 I hear you. I can't believe what I did. I feel it's a symptom of how much everything is getting on top of me. I feel like I'm running on empty but all I get from everyone is that I'm doing a great job. I don't feel I am at all[/quote]
The platitudes really don’t help, do they?

People telling you you’re ‘doing a great job’ rings false, because you know there are times when you’re not.

Maybe re-frame to understand that there isn’t a parent in the world, throughout history, who hasn’t made mistakes, and who has always, 100% of the time, ‘done a great job’.

It’s just not possible to be that person.

I remember being ‘shouty’ mum when my two were pre-schoolers. God, I hated myself. They were - and much more so now, are - great kids. But my God, at that age, they know just how to push the buttons.

You’re a normal mum who loves her kids, who - like every other mum since eternity - has her off moments. That’s all it is.

Onwards and upwards.

I understand that you are extremely exhausted and that you did not intend to lash out, but you did, and there's only you to deal with that.

Perhaps look into an online parenting or anger management course to learn some coping mechanisms that are different to ones you already have?

Sounds like you got overwhelmed, and agree with a PP there's a world of difference between what happened today and beating a child. Sorry you're having such a tough time. Draw a line under what's happened today, you can't change it now, and drowning in guilt isn't going to help.

I'm not one for smacking, but I was smacked as a child and I'm absolutely fine. This one event won't traumatise her. Can you look at ways to take more of a break - maybe parents have them a little more just now, or nursery?

I smacked my older two on occasion 15+ years ago, and still feel bad about it. You realise what happened wasn’t great, so it’s what you do next that matters. It sounds like you need more support (and I realise that’s a platitude, and not necessarily possible right now). But I will say that ages 18 months up to about 3 was the toughest stage of parenting for me. And I wasn’t a single parent of twins in the middle of a global pandemic! In six months time, when they have more language and understanding, you may find things start to get easier.

Learn from this and move on. You are obviously a caring and loving mum.

OP, ignore the posters who are being negative.
You are a human being, and reached your limit. And, you know you don't want to repeat it.
Since you are bubbled with your parents, and if you are happy for them to stay there overnight, go for it.
How about once a week for the next few weeks? Even once a fortnight would give you a breathing space.
And if that's possible, make use of it.... Take the time to do nothing except look after yourself, so bath, early bed, films - whatever helps you to have some downtime.
Being the only parent there with young ones is tough.

You say it was not hard and you feel bad so dont worry about it. I am sure lots of kids got worse in the 60s and 70s and survived.

It's good that you feel guilty about it as it'll hopefully stop you doing it again. My parents (and yours by the sounds of it) would have thought it was fine and dandy and it wouldn't have crossed their minds to feel guilty about it, so they just carried on doing it well into my teens. Far worse than doing something once and vowing not to repeat it

Really surprised at all the posters stating this is normal/happened to everyone. I've never lost my temper with my children to the point I've 'slapped' or 'tapped' them. Is that how you behave towards an adult too? Your other half? Your boss? If you can deal with emotions when frustrated with adults without lashing out, why can't you with children? The only difference I can see is its easier to 'get away' with slapping a child because
A) they won't hit you back
B) there's unlikely to be any repercussions

I'm not saying the OP is a bad parent or anything but I really don't think we should be normalising 'tapping' children because we are angry with them.

OP you are lucky you are female.

A woman posting on here saying her DH did what you did would get vastly different responses.

Just here in solidarity OP.

3 yr old twins.
Everyone fawns over how lucky it is to have two, or tells you how they could never cope with twins.

We didn't get much of a choice and this is our hand.

Add in lockdown, there's nowhere secure to take them where they can't run off, so they either end up in the garden, trapped indoors or in a pram. End result = everyone is stir crazy.

• Nursery is your saviour. Use whatever hours you get. 15/30 hours at age 3 so sign them up somewhere for September, places will fill up fast.

• Find a secure playground you feel comfortable letting them freely roam. Let them run riot

• Consider walks without the pram to tire them out. I have reins that go around my wrists. Means I can be hands free to deal with one without the other escaping.

-breathe. Be kind to yourself. Some days are the pits.

Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. Or shout about how unfair it is to parent two toddlers.

You mention the overnights aren't helping. I wonder if that's because they mainly address physical exhaustion whereas what I think I hear is that you're emotionally drained? Sometimes a break is enough to recharge but often not, particularly if there are other things going on, e.g. processing their father's complete absence. Would you feel able to speak to your GP? Is there something like Home Start locally? www.home-start.org.uk/

Well, you're doing an impossible job, being a mother, alone, with two young babies. Nobody, even a human and mother, is capable of this task when parenting alone. Cut yourself lots of slack. You are doing ok. Wishing you strength.

OP you are a brilliant mum. Dry your tears. Give them a kiss and have a good sleep.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz A man would be very unlikely to be saying they'd done this under similar circumstances though. How many men end up the sole exhausted parent of small children? Not many. Certainly not my ex husband because he decided that parenting was just too hard and fucked off and left us.

@elfcat They get 15 hours at nursery (although it's closed at the minute) I'm usually at work when they are there. I do take them out for a good run every day. I only took the pushchair today because they were in meltdown mood.

Thank you to the people who have shown kindness. To the not so kind I can assure you I already feel fucking dreadful about it.

@Laissonslesjoliesfemmes Yes that's it exactly. I'm emotionally drained. Plus my parents take them the night I do my college course online. That finishes, I tidy up, go to bed. Then the next day I catch up with my shit tip of a house and DC come back after lunch.

I see a counsellor via Zoom once a week and I take ADs. I am still so angry at my ex for leaving us though. It's not getting any better.

What has made the biggest difference to my levels of frustration with DC has honestly been just getting him to behave better, more than stepping away, getting breaks etc. We did a bit of ‘123 Magic’ and it helped me hugely, cos it’s made repeated naughtiness etc that bit less frequent, so I’m less drained.

Not that stepping away and breaks aren’t a good thing. But for me, this helped me avoid getting as frustrated as I used to.

I don’t think there is a single mum out there who could honestly say they haven’t done something they are ashamed of out of anger, frustration, negligence (whatever it may be!) We are all human and we all make mistakes. Be kind to yourself 💐

@WashableVelvet What is '123Magic' please?

@RhubarbAndRoses Thank you. I'm already tortured with fear that I'll end up fucking my kids up, so what I've done has just horrified me even more.

Nobody is normalising it - they’re saying they understand, recognise that OP is remorseful and are encouraging her to move forward whilst offering support.

OP I’m sorry you got like this. I remember hitting a low point a few weeks ago and properly shouting at my two year old. Then I cried, I felt so awful. Lockdown has and is so so challenging - not least with toddlers.

It sounds like you have plenty of support to draw on.