Do your children hit each other?

[Kendodd]

I heard my children argue this morning and it occured to me, they never hit/push/shove each other. I remember as a child older siblings routinely hit me. It was the same at cousins/friends houses, siblings often hit/pushed/slapped each other, it was nothing unusual or commented on. I don't think kids do this so much anymore (?) Good! They did hit as toddlers but probably grew out of it by three years old.

I definitely had physical fights with my sisters but we also spent time playing lots as well . We get on fine now.
DS an only child so no siblings to fight with

Lots as toddlers, a bit as preschoolers, very occasionally at primary age. Not got to the teens yet!

@ThePricklySheep

I feel a bit judged by those saying they ‘don’t allow it’. We don’t allow it either, but they still do it! Do your children never do anything you don’t allow? How do you manage that? Ours do have consequences for hitting each other. I don’t know what else I should do.

Oh MN is like this. It’s like those posters who think their babies sleep well because “they’ve always had a routine” - do they really think the parents with non sleeping babies haven’t tried that?

Some children are just more compliant and laid back than others 🤷‍♀️

You stop it (as I’m sure most people do) but they still do it in the beginning.

My kids have never hit each other. But we have a 5 year age gap between the first 2 which I think helps as the oldest was always so much bigger that he knew it wasn’t ok. Then we had another child and hitting just wasn’t a thing as they learnt from the other two I suppose. They don’t even row. The oldest one has always seen the other two as too young to row with. Our middle child is exceptionally sensible. And our youngest just gets looks after by them both. Their relationships are nothing like the ones I had with my siblings as children, we used to fight until one of us was crying and/or bleeding. 😬

There is a lot of smugness over here. A lot of patting on the back and ‘oh no my children would never because we don’t hit them and we are awesome parents’. Some kids are just much more physical, and have poorer emotional regulation. Common in kids with SEN but also NT kids too.

I have two boys, 7&5, and they do fight. I try and step in before it happens, watch the signs etc, and intervene, but it’s not always possible. Usually it’s that the little one has pushed some buttons and the older one struggles to regulate emotion. He is generally getting better and positive reinforcement helps, but it usually means he’s just completely overwhelmed and has lost it. I don’t think it’s a reflection of my parenting style, and comments about unsubstantiated theories regarding kids who hit do so because their parents do are unsubstantiated and rude.

It’s great if we are moving towards a society where violence is not acceptable, but some kids will always find their feelings harder to control than others.

I think some kids hit because their parents do/parents see it as "play fighting " or normal childhood. Im sure this was more common in the 80s.

That isn't saying its the case for all. I'm equally convinced for some children it will be struggling with emotional regulation or other needs that are tricky.

It’s unacceptable in our house too.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen! We have three close-ish in age and they all play together a lot. Sometimes they wind each other up and someone will lash out in anger. They are equally likely to do it but one has worse impulse control and takes less provocation.

Unfortunately yes. I have four. Two of which have additional needs and can lash out, usually at each other, but can be their siblings or us. Obviously not what I would want or expect from a child but it's a lot of sensory issues or space issues.

My other two. One of my children wouldn't hurt a fly, never lashes back or does anything to anyone. The other can hold her own, she's not physically the instigator but she knows how to push buttons to wind them up. 🙄

There is a lot of smugness over here. A lot of patting on the back and ‘oh no my children would never because we don’t hit them and we are awesome parents’

No smugness from me. We don’t hit our kids and think we’re pretty good parents BUT in our case I think it’s more down to the age gaps and personalities of our kids that mean they don’t hit each other. Our eldest definitely had a few incidents of hitting other kids whilst playing and falling out up til he was about age 7. He was quite a ‘lively’ child 😬 and thankfully calmed down a lot as he got older.

I know plenty of really good parents who don’t hit their kids who have kids who fight. They also have times that they get on really well. There’s generally only a couple of years in age between them.

@TwelvePaws indeed, I think personality, and age gap seem to be the biggest drivers. I don’t see it as normal but my kids do fight.

Though I don’t think our kids have ever hit another child other than each other. They are genuinely lovely children who I don’t have to worry about in a social setting. But they push each other’s buttons.

The challenge for me is not to get too invested in the incident because that becomes quite rewarding, so punishment that is logical and makes sense, a reaction that isn’t emotionally arousing/stimulating for them, and an offer to help fix the problem.

My brother hit me regularly in the 70s. My DDs went through a physical phase aged 2/3 but nothing since (twins late teens).

Though I don’t think our kids have ever hit another child other than each other.

Be very glad of that. 🤣 It’s awkward speaking to other parents about it when you’re kids have had a fight. To be fair to my son, he only ever hit another child if they hit him first but it’s still not great.

I mean, obviously, there is still time... 😳

Mine get on very well and play together brilliantly, however they do argue and sometimes it will turn physical, they actually had a fight the other day which resulted in both of them ending up with a black eye each. But I put that down to hormones and different personalities.

I mean, obviously, there is still time... 😳

🤣

And to add, they have never hit another child and are more than likely to be the ones getting hit and not retaliating, especially at school.

Mine have never hit each other beyond age 4. We have never smacked them. I was smacked, DH was smacked, and both of us fought our siblings hammer and tongs. But obviously anecdote isn't data, so I daren't draw too many conclusions.

When ever they hit, we intervened swiftly and firmly. They are older teens/young adults now and honestly never thumped each other beyond Reception age.

When people say their children don't hit each other I assume they mean once they are old enough to learn not to. Preschoolers are a law into themselves.

They do sometimes. We don't hit them but they do sometimes hit or push each other. Me and my brother regularly knocked seven bells out of each other. We were smacked.

3 years ago I could have answered no, definitely not, but my teens (dd17 ds16) have taken to fist fighting and it’s driving me insane. I’ve had to call the police to separate them before as I was sure it would go too far. Don’t know what triggered it or why they hate each other so much.

@ThePricklySheep

I feel a bit judged by those saying they ‘don’t allow it’. We don’t allow it either, but they still do it! Do your children never do anything you don’t allow? How do you manage that? Ours do have consequences for hitting each other. I don’t know what else I should do.

You are not alone here, it’s exactly the same in my house.

DH & I do not hit/smack the children (I was smacked as a child and don’t wish to do it to my kids), we consider it unacceptable and do not ‘allow’ it, yet it still happens.

DD(6) is the culprit, she really struggles with controlling her temper and lashes out at DS(10) or me the instant things don’t go her way. DS never retaliates and she is always given a consequence for her actions but it still carries on. No amount of time out, loss of toys/screen time stops it from happening.

I’m wondering what ‘they’ know that we don’t as I too don’t know what else I should do

All. The. Time.

Yes, they are a bloody nightmare. And NO they are not emulating parents because I’m single, and even when we were together we didn’t fight and NO I’ve never really used hitting as a parenting tool.

They do outnumber me though so I am not always on it as fast as I could be I guess, they are separated and in trouble when they do.

So blowing most of the theories other than I have 3 very volatile busy mostly good, loving and sweet girls.

No but I think it’s just luck because I have a boy & girl, an age gap, then another boy & girl. I think if you have 2 boys or 2 girls close in age to each other maybe they are more likely to fight. That’s just my experience though of seeing families with kids same sex and close in age.

DH & I do not hit/smack the children (I was smacked as a child and don’t wish to do it to my kids), we consider it unacceptable and do not ‘allow’ it, yet it still happens.

It's funny isn't it? They don't see hitting, have never seen hitting and yet still they instinctively do it. My children don't hit each other but they did as toddlers when they'd never seen violence of any kind, not even Tom and Jerry. I came to the conclusion that as human beings, violence is innate. I suppose we only have to look at animals to see that. Also, hitting children, I think we must be the first (or second) generation of parents in history who generally don't hit their children. I wonder how/if this will shape future generations and if it will make any difference at all? The cave man in us may be too ingrained.

My two hit as toddlers, as you say more or less instinctively, and DS bit (and memorably DD sat in her high chair and DS put his hand near her and she bit him).
However he had never punched anyone till he started Reception. School denied he could possibly have seen anyone punching. Yeah right.