Do your children hit each other?

[Kendodd]

I heard my children argue this morning and it occured to me, they never hit/push/shove each other. I remember as a child older siblings routinely hit me. It was the same at cousins/friends houses, siblings often hit/pushed/slapped each other, it was nothing unusual or commented on. I don't think kids do this so much anymore (?) Good! They did hit as toddlers but probably grew out of it by three years old.

Yes, mainly DS who has SEN and who hits us, and his teachers, and throws things at people. But DD hits him, occasionally us as well. They are 9 and 6.
Neither of them hit other children (DS did in nursery, and in his previous school where he was really badly managed he pushed some other children, but he hasn't recently).

@ThePricklySheep

I feel a bit judged by those saying they ‘don’t allow it’. We don’t allow it either, but they still do it! Do your children never do anything you don’t allow? How do you manage that? Ours do have consequences for hitting each other. I don’t know what else I should do.

Same here. We do give warnings and rewards/praise though which does help. E.g. at breakfast DS started throwing. I warned that I expected no throwing or hitting and if he didn't listen there would be no TV this morning. He carried on BUT sometimes he will stop himself and then I will praise him and point out that he did well and got what he wanted.

Yes. 14 and 12. It's always the 12yr old who starts it.

They're at separate secondary schools to give my eldest a break. I had to move my bedroom next to my 12yr old so it's easier to step in.

@ThePricklySheep

I feel a bit judged by those saying they ‘don’t allow it’. We don’t allow it either, but they still do it! Do your children never do anything you don’t allow? How do you manage that? Ours do have consequences for hitting each other. I don’t know what else I should do.

What worked for us was separation to different rooms if it looked like the argument was something they couldn’t / wouldn’t resolve by themselves. They could come out when they’d calmed down. If they started up again, back in their rooms. Repeat as necessary.

I very rarely need to do it now, but it meant being quite on top of their interactions when they were younger. It wouldn’t have been possible while trying to wfh and homeschool - but in normal times it was possible for us (two parents both on the same page, a bedroom for each child, no SEN).

Never. Not once. Now 16 and 13 both Autistic.

No mine don’t. They bicker occasionally but have never ever been physical with each other.

Insert1x20p

I was chatting to a friend the other day and we were saying that when we were kids, swearing at school was a terrible offence whereas fighting was almost overlooked. Now it’s completely the other way round ( swearing might merit an email home whereas fighting/ physical aggression= parents into school ).

I think you're absolutely spot on with that. Violence should be taken more seriously as well.

@ThePricklySheep
Don't feel judged, we all have our struggles as parents.

I remember fights in the scbool playground being a big thing too. Boys would fight and the others would form a circle. (80s) or they'd all lay into each other. Ive never heard of anything like that at my kids schools.

My brother like a pp was v rough and I was terrified. My parents never stepped in and I'd now call it abuse. However they would now say we were "just kids" or that I "wound him up" or somesuch. I used to have flashbacks and was scared of knives well into my 20s because of it...

My girls don't. Occasionally one ends up hurting the other due to small house/game gone wrong but not actual fighting.

I have friends with 2 boys who really do fight a lot. I assume its more playfighting as they're a lovely family. They're all v physical rugby/kayaking etc it seems different to my brother picking on me.

We were v strictly anti physical hurting of any description but that may be because of my past.

My parents smacked too. I do wonder if that can be part of it.

@TryingNotToPanicOverCovid
I had a brother like that, and parents like that. And remember school in the 70s/80s being like that.

Our parents never hit us, in my dads house they had a leather strap which they'd get a crack with. We still had physical scraps and it wasn't a bad thing, always stuck up for eachother outside of home, we get along well as adults. Our kids school has some undesirables in it who will hit anyone, of course the parents discipline leaves a lot to be desired so I'd rather our kids be willing to defend themselves. Ours just need a look to alter their behaviour in public but at home need telling multiple times. We do not use physical punishment because it doesn't work, we have one that nothing works with because she's a stubborn little madam! Lose a game or toy just finds another form of entertainment.

I wish the kids were as easy to train as the dog was, she's my star pupil lol.

No, never. Oldest has had lots of reconstructive surgery, it's definitely not allowed.

No. 6 and 8 year old boys. I don’t allow any play fighting or physical stuff like that. Very rarely as toddlers they would lash out.

@Mol1628 can I ask why not? Mine are 8, 6 and 4 and I let them play fight. The basic rule is “rough and tumble mustn’t grumble” and it gets stopped if it goes too far (which, to be fair to them, is rare). They also love a good wrestle with my DH.

I don’t know really! I guess we are just quite gentle generally. It’s not something they ever really try or ask to do anyway! They do plenty of running chasing and games with a football and stuff like that just never any fighting type play.

I just wondered. My DH and my eldest DS play rugby so that’s the garden ball game of choice so maybe there just naturally more tackling and stuff like that.

Me and my sister were very close in age and we would hit each other sometimes, only when the argument was REALLY bad though.

We had a fair few monster arguments.

I remember one incident in particular (it was in public) where I hit my sister and it was just because I had no other way to express the pure rage I was feeling!

It was not allowed by my mum, but that didn't stop us.

No, never. But we never hit them either, whereas when we were growing up, physical punishment was normal. Also, we are far more hands on as parents and tend to intervene and separate them to calm down etc if they even raise their voices at each other, so they have less of a chance to fight. We were left to our own devices to an extent that would be considered neglect these days. Interesting. Shows how much nurture influences behaviour.

17 and 14 and still hit one another although now it's usually play fighting and tend to do it when they need to let of a bit of steam.

Occasionally mine do, but they are 4 and 2. It's more snatching with a shove, or tug of war over a random toy usually! I've never had one just walk up to the other and wallop them for no reason.

I hope to train them out of it! We've never hit them (or each other) and are a very non shouty house too. I think lots of very young children do it. I would be a lot more concerned about it if they were older.

When it happens we always separate them and tell them off! Usually followed with a discussion about how we don't hit, it's unkind, it hurts and if it's been over snatching/a toy then the toy goes up on the 'snatch shelf', confiscated from both of them until the end of that day.

The elder one knows very well not to hit etc, although judging by the other children in her reception class lots of children that she don't because there are a small handful that hit a lot still. The two year old is learning, she's more likely to physically retaliate of the two.

I don't think most of the parents on here whose children hit each other are going around hitting them either, somehow.

@ThePricklySheep

I feel a bit judged by those saying they ‘don’t allow it’. We don’t allow it either, but they still do it! Do your children never do anything you don’t allow? How do you manage that? Ours do have consequences for hitting each other. I don’t know what else I should do.

Same.

Mine hit each other. We don’t allow it and put a stop to it straight away but they’ve still done it to start off with, so I can’t say that they don’t hit. So to those saying that you separate them (which we do) - then yes, your children do hit. You stop it (as I’m sure most people do) but they still do it in the beginning.

We would never hit them either. As a child I was physically punished yet my sister and I never hit each other. We were just a different combination of personalities

There's a clear difference bewteen those who allowed "play fighting" or think scraps aren't a problem/normal and those who don't too.

I never have (bit see pp about my past) but friends v physical rugby type family have and I don't think its a problem for them.

Just different ways of doing things.

Yes sometimes, but considering they have spent all day every day together since they broke up for Christmas, and from March to September last year, I'm just proud they haven't killed each other
They are 7 and 5, they love each other though. They go into each other first thing in the morning and spend most of the day in the playroom with each other.

There's a nature and nurture thing going on too Im sure. As a pp said I'm sure theres families who are v anti play fighting etc etc whose childrenstill hit. Kids are all different.

As well as kids who might not have liked play fighting but are in a family where its seen as part of being a child