Am I being cruel to my toddler?

[Ihatewinter321]

I have a 3 month old and a 19 month old. I try to get out for a walk every day as it is the only thing keeping me sane during this lockdown. I usually put them both in the double pushchair and walk for about an hour. My newborn sleeps and my 19 month old is usually happy as long as she has snacks.
Problem is, my 19 month old loves walking, am I being cruel by not letting her walk outside every day? I usually only let her walk twice a week outside as I struggle with both. I feel really guilty that she is just sitting down for an hour not doing anything.

Op I had 2 under 2. Unless you’ve been in that situation it’s hard to relate to. Even twins is probably slightly easier because they are at least at the same stages together.

First of all, it is absolutely fine to whack CBEEBIES on the tv and let it entertain your eldest so you can and focus.

I used to make us all have a nap after lunch at the same time. I used to co-sleep with the eldest in the same room as baby. Eldest might create for a bit but mostly after 20 minutes or so we’d all get a decent nap in. I don’t care what anyone says those naps were a lifeline.

Taking a toddler for a walk with a buggy is a nightmare, I have yet to meet one who doesn’t want to dart off in a multitude of directions or hurl themselves into the road at random points. Double buggy is fine. I seem to remember it took ages to get them all wrapped up and outside. Usually one would poo before we’d even get out the door.

There are no days off from parenting. On your partners day off you need to share responsibilities and get half a day each away from kids. Every day he should do his share of chores and childcare. Working is not an excuse.

My toddlers are 15 months apart, you’re keeping them safe and happy and getting them out! I do two walks and go somewhere quiet on the second so they can both run around.

[quote Ihatewinter321]@NiceGerbil I don't really talk about that to him. I should be coping, I am their mum and should be able to do everything[/quote]
You're heading straight for PND if you cling to that nonsense!

Tell DH that the walks aren't fit his benefit, they're for DD's and some fresh sir will do them both good. The sling will fit him too so they can all walk to the park (put her backpack reins on) snd off they go.

They are hus kids too, not just yours!

Then you can go for a decent walk while he plays with them, gets DD's lunch or whatever.

You're a mum, but you're not just a mum, you're still you!

How about the toddler pushing a toy buggy? It kept my LO focused on walks.

Honestly, it's not great, and I sat that as a mum if 2 under 2 that are now a bit bigger. My youngest is about your eldest's age and I can't imagine going out without letting her out to walk at that stage. And we've for a garden to play in. If this is the only outside simulation your toddler gets, then they need that exercise probably as much as you do, possibly even more, even if they can't communicate it yet.

But all means push your toddler, but do it to a park where they can run around and burn off energy.

If it wrecks the nap, then so be it. At 3m there will be other naps that day. I personally find a single buggy plus sling combination better than a single buggy, and there's less chance of them waking eachother that way. But yeah, if baby wakes you'll have an awake baby and a toddler, but that's kind of the deal with a small age gap. And I know that sounds harsh because you're struggling, but that's why we've got slings, and two arms. The multi tasking is crazy, but it's part of it. Learning how to manage a busy toddler out and about with a baby is something you are going to have to learn, either now when your youngest is relatively mobile, and will have multiple naps a day, or when they are older and the stakes are higher. Normally your second is basically thrown into life - ie my second was in a sling at soft play within a week, and was left half dressed on the floor of a playground the following week when mid nappy change my eldest ran out of the park towards the stream. It's brutal, it's downright ridiculous at times, but it's so worth it. Eventually they'll start playing together and hugging and being really good company for eachother, and that feels wonderful. It's still hard (in some ways easier than when they were yours age, in others harder, but v different)

When does your eldest nap? If you can align a nap then that is amazing as it's the nearest you'll get to a proper break.

Ps, learning to feed in a sling was life-changing for me. It meant my little one basically lived in slings for the first few months and means you can still chase your toddler round the park, push them on swings, get their lunch etc, without even stopping to feed.

There was no way I would have ever allowed myself to get into a situation where I was alone with two under 2s near open water. You had to leave your newborn baby half dressed on the ground to chase after a toddler? I think the sleep deprivation must have got to your judgement there!

OP it’s ok to be struggling and it’s definitely ok to put your sanity above your toddler’s needs to get out of the buggy. You need your do to help you. Please talk to him. Maybe he could take the eldest for a walk on his own.

3 times now mn has swallowed my post.

In short, small park, one entrance, small stream, exit left open during make change, toddler grabbed just outside the gate. No one in park, immobile babe, weather appropriate conditions, no one could enter the park as I was on the path between. It wasn't great, but it wasn't actually as dangerous as you nights be picturing it.

I live in an area with lots of rivers and streams. Of the 7 main parks where I live, 6 are next to rivers/streams. Incidentally this is probably the smallest of the streams. Lots of people go to those parks with babies and older children. Of the 3 parks within walking distance of the city centre, all of them are adjacent to water, so unless we don't go to the park there was little choice.

Your toddler needs exercise but that doesn't necessarily mean walking next to a busy road. Until my DS was around 2.5 and could listen and hold hands nicely, he'd be strapped into the pushchair and only let out when we reached somewhere quiet with no access to traffic. Either that or on reins. Safety comes first.

If she spends the entirety of her only trip out of the house strapped in the pushchair and doesn't get the chance to run around somewhere (for instance, the park), that would be more concerning. It's very important to get children being active young.

I had two with a similar age gap so I feel your pain. Your toddler will be happy to be out and looking around them at the birds, cars, whatever random thing has taken their interest that day. You could let them out towards the end of your walk- not at the start because then you have the battle to get them in the pram and you will feel guilty.
There is always something to feel guilty about- remember that you are trying your best, they are fed and loved. It does get easier, mine are 2 and 3 now and play together all day it’s lovely. Still have ups and downs but it’s much easier than your stage

Reins are definitely your friend, though difficult to use whilst pushing a buggy (if your child is like mine was, they'll run in front of the buggy and tie you in knots if you're not careful). I think the difficulty is that at your toddlers age, they can't walk long distances and are so slow, so I think letting them out when they get to the park is generally a better bet.

For when your toddler gets slightly older, you may want to teach them to hold onto the side of the buggy in situations where they can't hold your hand. Oh, and a buggy that you can manoeuvre with one hand.

And sensible things like if you are going down the road with toddler and baby, toddler is walking on the inside and you and buggy are the road side.

Sounds fine to me.
Do your hour walk with them in pram.
Later in day another slow walk around the block with baby in sling and toddler on reins

Your dh can take toddler out for a longer walk every day he’s free. Tbh even with night shifts, he must be free most days at some point to help out and take toddler out alone 20 mins. Most people on nights are home by 7am, sleep until maybe 3pm. Between 3-6pm he should be awake and helping prep dinner, entertain toddler with walk, or indoors or giving them a bath.

Yes lots of Dhs work when mothers on maternity. But even those with day job usually help all evening, and overnight. Dh and I haven’t had a full nights sleep since Ds was born, so I don’t see why your dh should be exempt from broken day sleep or having less than x amount of hours atm

Not cruel but could you let the toddler walk for the first or last ten mins or so?

It's not cruel, but your toddler would benefit from exercise and walking. But, this isn't all down to you!

Ask your DH for help, he should be pulling his weight with housework etc, and with his children. It's not a failure at all, us mums are human and doing our best, reaching for support doesn't change that.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself, TV is fine if you need some breathing space. We won't be in this situation forever, whatever helps you through.

Reins attached to the pram are a great idea if you don't want to head somewhere they might wake sleeping baby up, I'm sure there are routes that are suitable.

@Ihatewinter321 just buy some reins. Mine is exactly the same. I attach the reins to the pram so that he can walk but can't get to the road

I would try to let her walk. Is it a definite the baby wakes if she gets out at park?

That sounds like the walk and peace is important for your mental health so don’t feel guilty prioritising it! Does your toddler get other exercise other these walks at other times? I.e. general play in the park, garden, woods? If so, and she’s happy in the buggy watching what’s going on and having snacks, I wouldn’t worry too much. If these are her only outings then yes I would let her walk part of the journey or stop somewhere she can run about.

You're not being cruel I have a 22 month old and I'm 30 weeks pregnant so will be in a similar situation soon, currently when i go for my daily walk or to the shops ect he goes in the buggy and I let him out once we get to the park where it feels safe, he can run about and I can park the buggy (I'll probably have a sling when the baby is tiny then I can still chase toddler about )
I hate him walking when we are near a road , I try reins but he twists and cries and throws himself on the pavement. I let him walk once we get to the end of our road though he walks from the end of the road to the front door, good practice by I can see my front door so not too stressful!
Perhaps try something similar? I understand it's not easy, unless you are exceptionally fit and strong it's not easy just to walk with a baby in a sling and holding a toddlers hand, I will definitely be needing a double buggy for a while!