Am I being cruel to my toddler?

[Ihatewinter321]

I have a 3 month old and a 19 month old. I try to get out for a walk every day as it is the only thing keeping me sane during this lockdown. I usually put them both in the double pushchair and walk for about an hour. My newborn sleeps and my 19 month old is usually happy as long as she has snacks.
Problem is, my 19 month old loves walking, am I being cruel by not letting her walk outside every day? I usually only let her walk twice a week outside as I struggle with both. I feel really guilty that she is just sitting down for an hour not doing anything.

You're only 3 months in, give yourself a break. At that stage with 2 under 2 you just have to do what you can. You can focus on giving your toddler more walks when your newborn is a little older. It will get a bit easier soon. If you can do two walks a day then great, but when you can't don't beat yourself up.

Could you put 3 month old in a carrier/sling and go to open area-nature woods/park etc? I realise that’s not easy tho! You can only do the best you can and I’m sure toddler enjoys going for a ride out.

Do you have a garden?

Also, you don’t get to hate walks when you have a toddler. You have to suck it up and go anyway. (DH, not you)

[quote Ihatewinter321]@OverTheRubicon thank you, your last sentence has made me cry. It is so full on and hard. My husband works really long hours, my newborn has silent reflux and can't be put down at all, I am trying to avoid my toddler watching TV so trying to keep her entertained all day. It is just so hard.. and now I feel really guilty that I am not meeting her needs by taking her for walks and worried that she is not developing enough as someone mentioned it is beneficial to their development. I just want to be a perfect mum for them both :( I feel like such a failure 😞[/quote]
This may be a really bad way to start a pep talk, but you'll never be a perfect mum, and that's ok. None of us are - and even if you were, can you imagine how stressful it would be for your own daughter if she turned out to be a normal 'good enough' mum like the rest of us?

I'm normally really against early TV too, but I've had to relax this for my youngest in order for the older ones to get some kind of homeschooling, and you know, it's ok. It doesn't need to be Paw Patrol and Peppa - BBC iPlayer has some lovely, very sweet things like Kiri and Lou (5 minutes at a time, stop motion, sweet songs about love and friendship and in New Zealand accents), my middle child loves music, and my 2 year old has been fascinated by watching the orchestral performances on YouTube that are part of the ks1 music lessons, or Perfect Planet on BBC is beautiful and interesting for adults too, if you sit feeding your newborn, snuggling up with her and watching something you both like with a cup of tea you might all get a little rest too.

Can your husband use some annual leave to take even half a day off a week to be with you? Or are you bubbled with anyone who can help with taking your toddler out for a bit? You need a rest too.

You have a DH problem.

Walking with a toddler is a frustrating pita. We do it because we have to. He is a parent. You are struggling.

There are loads of ways 2 kids can be shared between two parents so that everyone gets what they need.

When you say DH I'm pissed off I need some time to myself what does he say

Thank you, it is so hard. I am just trying to survive each day at the moment and trying to do the best for my two children. The house is a mess.
My husband works 6 days a week and works nights... so I understand that he is really tired.

Oh and we don't have a garden unfortunately, so all her outdoor time is on walks:(

@nice

@NiceGerbil I don't really talk about that to him. I should be coping, I am their mum and should be able to do everything

' I don't really talk about that to him. I should be coping, I am their mum and should be able to do everything'

Well that's nonsense. I had peri natal anxiety and pnd. DH and I did what we could to keep things going despite how Ill I was. We were a team.

Why don't you talk to him about it?

[quote Ihatewinter321]@NiceGerbil I don't really talk about that to him. I should be coping, I am their mum and should be able to do everything[/quote]
Bullshit! Why does being their mum mean you should do everything? Does his penis magically mean he's not a parent?

[quote Ihatewinter321]@NiceGerbil I don't really talk about that to him. I should be coping, I am their mum and should be able to do everything[/quote]
I think you need to talk yourself out of this attitude, it's not right and it's not healthy.

@Ihatewinter321

I feel like it is the only time I can completely switch off... I know that sounds selfish, but at the moment my newborn is feeding every 2 hours 24 hours a day. Near me there is only narrow pavements, so it is difficult for me to have a pushchair and the reins. If I stop at the park to let her out my newborn will wake and cry meaning I will have to hold her and keep an eye on my toddler.

@Ihatewinter321 Staying sane right now is what matters. You’re getting everyone outside - and into fresh air and that’s terribly important. It’s brought back memories for me, that actually with both of them in the buggy it’s a tiny window to mentally relax. Admittedly I had boys who couldn’t be arsed walking for more than 4 minutes. Seconding whoever said 2 walks if you can. But your sanity comes first. It’s not easy right now

I take my 3yr old and 4 month old out in the double pram every day (toddler can walk but not far as he is hyper mobile and has low muscle tone). Like you I need a brisk walk to clear my head and keep me from going completely crazy! I always let my toddler walk the last 5 mins home which is more than enough for him, it ends up taking about 15 minutes due to him faffing about and pointing out stones and bits of rubbish on the floor but he loves it! Do what you need to do to keep everyone sane and happy! x

just strap her to a sledge and use her as a husky

Op I was the one who mentioned development but really didn’t intend to make you feel bad about anything. Your further posts make it clear that you’re having a really tough time.
Try to go easy on yourself, your toddler will be fine - and some tv won’t hurt them but could give you a much needed break. Is nursery an option for a few mornings a week?

I have a two year old and a baby and completely agree that a loose toddler isn't conducive to a baby's nap - too much stopping and starting, chatting etc. And a loose toddler most definitely isn't conducive to a bit of downtime for you. Two walks is a great idea if you can manage it, and will give a bit of structure to your day.

Does your DH step up with toddler bedtime etc when he's around? If he's not actually in meetings he needs to stop working for that nightmare dinner, bath, bed portion of the evening. He also needs to suck it up and go for a walk on his days off, it's so much better with two of you. If he won't, leave the toddler at home with him and have as long a walk with the baby as the baby will let you.

My first had silent reflex, it was hell. If my second had had it while we had a toddler it would've broken me, I know that without question.

Will your DH had have the kids while you go out on your own?

When you say he doesn't like walks, is it going with you all or taking them by himself he won't do?

What are his hours?

6 days a week and nights is a sod for sure. But I don't think it abdicates him from doing anything at all.

If he's working nights then you're doing all the night feeds etc and looking after the toddler if they wake, and then you're doing all day as well as he's sleeping/ resting after his shift? When do you get a rest?

@Ihatewinter321

I feel like it is the only time I can completely switch off... I know that sounds selfish, but at the moment my newborn is feeding every 2 hours 24 hours a day. Near me there is only narrow pavements, so it is difficult for me to have a pushchair and the reins. If I stop at the park to let her out my newborn will wake and cry meaning I will have to hold her and keep an eye on my toddler.

You should definitely let your toddler have a walk if you get to a park or green area. Even if your baby wakes up... toddler needs to have a run around, even if just 10 mins.

@NiceGerbil

Will your DH had have the kids while you go out on your own?

When you say he doesn't like walks, is it going with you all or taking them by himself he won't do?

What are his hours?

6 days a week and nights is a sod for sure. But I don't think it abdicates him from doing anything at all.

If he's working nights then you're doing all the night feeds etc and looking after the toddler if they wake, and then you're doing all day as well as he's sleeping/ resting after his shift? When do you get a rest?

Sounds like her partner is working really hard to keep a roof over their heads. Sorry but if one parent is working 6 long days a week, then the other parent should do the majority of childcare/ cooking/ cleaning. It's tough but you'll get through it. A support bubble would probably be beneficial, not nursery.

Loads of men work hard. I mean fgs. When does the OP sleep? He's at work at night 6 days so she does all the night stuff. And then as he's working nights, she does the day stuff.

You are saying that to ask him to look after the kids for 30 mins while she has a rest or a sleep. Or to take them out for 30 mins on his day off. It's unreasonable.

I mean fucking hell.

Fair play to you for getting them out in the fresh air every day. They're close in age, that can't be easy. I'm sure your 19 month old is still stimulated and enjoying looking around her. She wouldn't be able to walk far any way would she? I'm sure she still walks around inside.
I think you're doing well to get out for an hour every day with the double buggy.

I did this every single day with same age children in lockdown one. Honestly it didn’t even occur to me that it was cruel! I spoke to him about the things we saw every day, I let him choose the route etc. If we went somewhere as a family then toddler would walk. Taking both out even now is a struggle and the baby is 10m. Do what you need to do.