Am I being cruel to my toddler?

[Ihatewinter321]

I have a 3 month old and a 19 month old. I try to get out for a walk every day as it is the only thing keeping me sane during this lockdown. I usually put them both in the double pushchair and walk for about an hour. My newborn sleeps and my 19 month old is usually happy as long as she has snacks.
Problem is, my 19 month old loves walking, am I being cruel by not letting her walk outside every day? I usually only let her walk twice a week outside as I struggle with both. I feel really guilty that she is just sitting down for an hour not doing anything.

Also could you try those reins that are attached to a little backpack? My toddler tolerated those much better than the wrist ones.

You have identified two very important needs:

1. your need for this walk where you get a break
2. your child's need to walk themselves

You are selfish if you only focus on 1, you are foolish if you only focus on 2. You need to find a way to do both, enough for both to be happy. Alternate days, toddler walks there you push them back, or two walks per day.

Somehow, you need to fit a bit of both needs in.

Parental guilt is always there. But I find once I notice something is making my child less happy, I can't ever really ignore it so I just have to find a way of trying to fit everyone in!

Feel guilty over nothing. In first lock down I bundled my 2.5 year old and 3.5 year old into a double for an hours walk with a few books. We do what we have to do to survive. The boys enjoyed looking around, chatting and reading. I kept my sanity and had some exercise

To add, my 3.5 year old is hypermobile (now 4 years old) and struggles to walk very far

@Ihatewinter321

I feel like it is the only time I can completely switch off... I know that sounds selfish, but at the moment my newborn is feeding every 2 hours 24 hours a day. Near me there is only narrow pavements, so it is difficult for me to have a pushchair and the reins. If I stop at the park to let her out my newborn will wake and cry meaning I will have to hold her and keep an eye on my toddler.

Are you alone? Because if not, your partner should be stepping up to help you with this, either night feeds if you're not exclusively bfing, or otherwise at least some time when he can hold the baby and you can shower in peace. It's full on, and the pandemic makes it harder as it takes away the playgroups or soft plays or visits to friends' houses where you once could have relaxed and bit and had a change of pace and scenery. You're doing a great job!

No you are not being cruel at all. Part of being a Mum is also doing what’s best for you. And if that’s a walk - with kids in Pram- to benefit your mental health that actually that’s beneficial to your toddler - a happier and more patient Mum.

You aren't being cruel. But it would be nice for toddler to walk a bit and help you feel better.

As a compromise I would go a brisk walk for yourself with both in pram and then let toddler walk the last 10 mins (weather permitting)

@OverTheRubicon thank you, your last sentence has made me cry. It is so full on and hard. My husband works really long hours, my newborn has silent reflux and can't be put down at all, I am trying to avoid my toddler watching TV so trying to keep her entertained all day. It is just so hard.. and now I feel really guilty that I am not meeting her needs by taking her for walks and worried that she is not developing enough as someone mentioned it is beneficial to their development. I just want to be a perfect mum for them both :( I feel like such a failure 😞

@Sally872 do you think 10 minutes a day would be enough for her?

Agree with 2 walks a day. You need your space and the toddler needs done exercise.

Can your DH not do anything at all? What about on his days off

@NiceGerbil he hates walks :(

Well you're not exactly having a ball are you?!

What does he do with the toddler? And the baby?

I had 2 close together so I feel your pain. Why not let the toddler walk once the baby falls asleep? That way you're not having to worry about the baby getting grumpy whilst the toddler wants to dawdle 😁

@NiceGerbil he helps hold the baby and does play with the toddler at home. He just looks so annoyed whenever I suggest going on a walk

[quote Ihatewinter321]@NiceGerbil he hates walks :([/quote]
Who does? Your DH?!

Zero sympathy or patience with that. He's in lockdown with a toddler to parent. He doesn't have the luxury of hating walks - he just needs to suck it up and put his kids needs ahead of his own preferences.

[quote Ihatewinter321]@NiceGerbil he helps hold the baby and does play with the toddler at home. He just looks so annoyed whenever I suggest going on a walk[/quote]
Isn;t the answer for you to go on a nice brisk walk and leave them at home to play then?

But also that is pretty shitty of him because sadly a big part of parenting is doing crap you don;t want to do.

[quote Ihatewinter321]@NiceGerbil he helps hold the baby and does play with the toddler at home. He just looks so annoyed whenever I suggest going on a walk[/quote]
Tip of iceberg slowly being uncovered ...

Tell us more about how your parenting styles fit together (or not)

God no. At 19 months they’ll be stopping every 8 seconds to examine a fag butt and walk in random circles. I wish I could still strap my 3.5 year old in sometimes so I can just walk with my older two.

I used to put the baby in a sling and take toddler for a walk, but with the pushchair, so he could hop in. With the sling,he could run round the park and I could stand and sway to keep the baby asleep. I still sway if I have to queue for long. And we're talking years ago.

My 2 year old doesnt walk with me much. She is usually in the double buggy with my 3 month old. I let her out when we get to the park or somewhere enclosed. She is just too slow, it would take me 20 minsnto get to the end of the road, and she is too unpredictable right now to be allowed near a road while I have a heavy buggy with a baby in it. You arent being cruel. It's a practical thing.

Toddler should be getting at least an hour of exercise a day. Provided she is then I think you're OK. If she's not, you probably need to do two walks- one for you and one for her.

I'd be more likely to start the walk with the snacks and then let the older one out for the end of the walk to they have some exercise. Or, the other way around depending on the child.

You need to look after yourself OP. I think people are forgetting how hard this can be with 2 small children, lack of social support, and all the mental load, groundhog day and claustrophobia that comes with lockdown.

Don't worry about trying to "fix" your lazy husband, just take that time for yourself guilt free, and then I'm sure you'll have the headspace to think of solutions that work for you and your family once you've had a guilt free brain break. 💐

@Sally872

You aren't being cruel. But it would be nice for toddler to walk a bit and help you feel better.

As a compromise I would go a brisk walk for yourself with both in pram and then let toddler walk the last 10 mins (weather permitting)

Absolutely this - but don't beat yourself up those times you can't face it. You're doing brilliantly!