DD2 won't settle with childminder. Help!

[qwertpoiuy]

Hi, all. I returned to work on a 3-day working week in September, and left DD2 in a creche. She wouldn't settle in the creche - she cried all day, wouldn't eat, drink or sleep for them and wouldn't play with the toys or the other kids, and after 2 weeks she was evicted (not as abrupt as it sounds, they just admitted they never dealt with a child like her and felt the situation was harmful to her). I thought my dreams had come true when I found an excellent childminder, and she settled straightaway there. She was fine the first 4 weeks, but for the past 3 weeks she's been worse than ever before. The childminder seems so pi**ed off with her, and I'm worried she's going to stop minding her.
I just don't want to give up my job (on hindsight I wish I applied for a year's unpaid leave when I applied for maternity leave - it's too late now), I've been in it for 14 years and enjoy it, it pays well and my colleagues are great. And I don't want to go through the application and interview process again when the kids start college(please God!)
Is there anybody here who has a child that couldn't be minded, yet you were dependant on your job to help pay the mortgage and had no other choice but to work?

BTW, DD2 is 11-months-old. I have 2 other children, but my MIL minds them - she won't touch DD2 with a bargepole as she tried babysitting her a coule of times, but ended up having to call us back!

Could MIL not be persuaded?
Wouldn't DD settle better with someone she knew really well, and where her siblings were too?

Could be she is just trying it on ? If she was fine for the first 4 weeks, then not much can be wrong with the childminder. Perhaps because she left the creche after making a fuss, she thinks the same will happen now. If you like your job and don'e
t want to keep going through this, I would talk to the childminder and see if you can both see it through. She'll have to go to school one day !

Hi, PeterCushion. Unfortuanately, MIL has said she just couldn't mind a toddler again as it's too much hard work. Maybe in another 1.5 years when DD2 is out of the difficult toddler stage she might, but for the time being she doesn't want to. Also, MIL is only doing after school with my older children.

Sorry - I only just noticed you said she is only 11 months old, so most likely is not trying it on deliberately. Saying that, I would still stick with it, I'm sure she'll be fine eventually.

Chankins, you sound like my husband talking there - that's exactly what he says! But could a small child really be that smart? Yes, i'll have to talk to the childminder. At the moment, I feel like Public Enemy No. 1 (she doesn't make me feel like that, just that I feel so bad DD2's giving her a hard time!) and I'm so mortified every time I go to collect DD2 as CM tells me how she cried most of the day! And I know the poor woman is doing her best for DD2.

Talk to your CM, tell her your concerned that she's had enough of coping with your dd!!! Perhaps your dd is feeling a bit unwell so is suddenly feeling unsettled, unfortunately 10/11/12 months is probably the height of seperation anxiety and possibly the worst time for all this to have happened.

Poor you!

It really will get better. Buy your cm flowers and chocolates and talk talk talk about it...

I know I'll have to talk to CM, CarGirl, only problem is I'm worried she'll tell me she doesn't want her anymore! Other mums have told me they tried to get her to mind their children, but she's full up - so she is in demand. I'm sure she's thinking of all the dream children she could be minding instead of DD2!

Thanks, bluejelly, however at the moment I'm finding it hard to believe she will get better. You're right, I need to butter her up before talking about it!

But also your CM may see her as a long term child which is in her favour, she's not suddenly go to pre-school. Offer the CM extra money, what is in the contract for her notice period - presumbly 4 weeks? Could she have her the other 2 days for a couple of hours only to see if the continuity of 5 days a week helps settle her quicker. DD will also realise then that you do come back.

My cm once had to do an hour a day for one of her children it did work though.

My daughter went through a stage of sobbing when I was not there, my CM was not bothered as she has been doing this for 20+ years and tells me "all kids go through it"!

After a shaky start, DD is now loving the CM, she still gets some mornings where it seems she tries it on (clinging to me etc) but she is usually as right as rain.

At the mo, its one of the other girls who is crying all day, despite being with the CM for a year or so!

Speak to your CM, I am sure she will be sympathetic, and if she isn't then you should change CM!

ELF, so it's not just my DD2 that cries all day, that's a relief! And it's encouraging the CM has kept her despite her crying! How long did it take your daughter to settle in?
Unfortunately, CarGirl, CM has tried to take her for an hour on DD2's "free" days, but always gets too busy when the time comes and rings me to cancel.
I'm gonna try and pluck up the courage to talk to her about it tomorrow!

Good luck talking to the CM today

My DD has been going since she was 6 months, she had a good few weeks where she was just not settling, but then she was happy as larry and some days not even wanting to give me a kiss goodbye as she was busy playing!

I suppose it is a bit overwhelming for them to begin with - new home, faces, different kids etc, and I sometimes notice DD being a bit more clingy when there has been a change in the other kids who attend.

Is it at all possible to stay a little while with her - or do half days to start with - so that she gets to know you are coming back. Also favourite toys, activities will help as well as your CM sticking to same routine (if you have one!)where possible.

Poor you. And poor baby. Doesn't sound like she's ready to be left with other people yet.

Brainstorming:

work from home?

down size into a cheaper house?

find a job where you can take the baby with you?

er... win the lottery?!

I had similar with my ds. He absolutely hated nursery when we tried it, (he was two when we tried). I needed to work like you to pay the mortgage, etc.

This is probably too drastic for most, but we as emmaagain suggested, downsized from a large 3 bed house to a small 2 bed terrace so that I could be much more flexible. I also took a weekend job so that ds could be looked after by DH - for a few months. After that my MIL had him a couple of days a week. I was absolutely, viscerally unable to bear the thought of ds crying all day or being left somewhere I wasn't convinced he was happy.

We downsized to a better area, by the sea, with outstanding schools though, so it wasn't all altruistic.

I think it depends on you actually. If you (and the CM!) can bear her tears then I guess what we did would be rather too extreme.

FWIW your DH is wrong. If an 11 month old baby is crying it is because they are distressed, not because they are trying it on. They are not manipulative in that way.

Oops! only just spotted the last 3 replies today, I thought the thread had died after ELF's post!
I'm happy (I repeat VERY happy!) to report I brought her to CM last Monday week (5th Nov) and, again, she cried non-stop but, at 1 o'clock she stopped and hasn't cried since. And CM took her in for one hour Thursday and Friday (the days I don't work), and doing so again tomorrow and the next day! But she's been fine, and today she jumped up and down in her car seat with excitement when I stopped outside CM's house. It's better than winning the lotto, because having millions wouldn't be worth a damn to me if I couldn't leave her with a nanny while doing my weekly shopping in Harrod's!
I want to thank you all for taking the trouble to reply, and thankfully I didn't need to go down the routes suggested by Emma and Honoria - though I would definitely have considered them!