Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Marriage after having baby

57 replies

Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 15:52

Okay so settle a debate for me so I don’t feel like I am going mad
I have recently given birth to my 2 month old son.
My partner and I have always discussed having children, but I am much more family oriented when we discuss future plans.

When I found out I was pregnant my partner was happy but it took a while for him to get his head around it. I was overjoyed but did everything I could to support him in feeling as prepared as possible to be a dad.

We recently moved in together into what we called our “family home” - so the idea of children was always there.

Because of me being family oriented, I have always wanted to get married. My partner said he wanted to have children first and move home which I was happy with and did this with him and my full support.

When I was pregnant we discussed getting married because my partner wanted our child to have his name. I said I was happy with this as but one day I would want us all to share the same family name (ie marriage).

Fast forward to now and whenever we discuss marriage my partner is very dismissive and can become very defensive, even if just the word marriage is mentioned. I can’t help feeling a little hurt by it. I know I’m postpartum so probably more emotional than normal but it makes me feel as though its all a little unfair on his half to be so dismissive after I’ve supported him - I almost feel rejected.

We are registering baby on Friday and I can feel that I’m going to be emotional about it. Am I ridiculous for thinking like this? It’s not as though I want him to get down on one knee right now - but he he no enthusiasm or excitement about the idea and that’s what bothers me.

OP posts:
Ithinkhedidit · 03/02/2021 15:53

Give the baby your name. If you do get married, your partner can take your name.

iVampire · 03/02/2021 15:58

Tell him you are traditional

Babies have their mother’s name, which can match the father’s if the parents are married

Read up on the differences between cohabitating and marriage, and do not give up any of your financial independence, career prospects or pensions contributions.

That might mean an earlier return to work than you had envisaged, and higher childcare bills (but they will be 50% his) but do not make yourself dependent on someone who could leave you high and dry

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 03/02/2021 16:03

Give the baby your name. You will regret it if you don't because this
"whenever we discuss marriage my partner is very dismissive and can become very defensive, even if just the word marriage is mentioned"
indicates he is not interested in marrying you, and when someone tells you who they are you should believe them.

If I am overly cynical and you end up happily married in a year, great! you can go to the Registry Office together and change your baby's name to your new family name.

You cannot, however, swap his name for yours if you give the baby his name (without his permission, which he has no incentive to give) and your child will forever have a different name to you.

I am not saying this as a cynical man-hater, my DP and I were not married when DD1 was born and we double-barrelled our names for her, but we were both on the same page re.marriage and got married as planned a couple of years later. FWIW, we both kept our own names and dds both have the double-barelled version. However, this is not what it sounds like is happening with you. He is cutting you out of the ability to decide your own future by refusing to engage with the question. Keep the power you have, which is to give the child your family name. Do not rely on a vague promise of 'one day we will' to give away this one chance you have.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
Agatha56 · 03/02/2021 16:04

If you have a baby and then marry the father after they have been born, legally you have to re-register the baby to make them "a legitimate child of the marriage". So you could give the baby your surname and then if/ when you get married, change it when you register them again.

Onthetrain75 · 03/02/2021 16:06

How old is he?
Do you think he was ready to start a family? Are there issues in his past that might make him reluctant to get married? Sadly I think that if one of you wants marriage and the other doesn’t then you may be in for a rough ride. It’s hard to know without more info but you should be careful I think about losing any of your independence if he’s in any way unreliable.

2pinkginsplease · 03/02/2021 16:08

Definitely give the baby your surname and if and when you marry the little ones surname can be changed to match yours.

CrazyKitkatLady · 03/02/2021 16:13

If he won’t marry you absolutely give the baby your name!

BasiliskStare · 03/02/2021 16:14

I just think if someone wants to be married / civil partnership - they will just do it. If DP is prevaricating - well - there is the clue. Give DC your last name and as a PP has said & get everything lined up in case . I hope , ( that said ) everything works for you - and have been many posts on similar lines ) but if a partner does not want marriage ( which has advantages) and the other one does - well that needs ( in my view ) a really serious discussion . Grandmothers / Eggs etc

Nomorescreentime · 03/02/2021 16:16

Oh I agree, the baby can have your surname until you get married. Something tells me he won’t be happy with that though...?

Are you the main earner? If not you are at real risk if you are unmarried.

Littlepaws18 · 03/02/2021 16:18

If you put the babies name as yours it can be easily changed later. If you put the child's name as his you won't be able to change it easily.

This has been a major problem for myself. My ex was abusive, been told he has no contact by the courts but she still has his name and I can't change it without a court order which will cause massive upset.

I know my example is extreme but really think carefully with this one.

Littlepaws18 · 03/02/2021 16:19

Oh and if I want to travel abroad I have to get a notorised nite from a solicitor confirming tge fact I'm her mother and can take her out of the country without dad's consent. It's a nightmare

Cpl654321 · 03/02/2021 16:20

Give the baby your name for now! And make sure your name is on the deeds for the house.

It kind of sounds like he doesn't want to get married though. I would be prepared for that.

VodselForDinner · 03/02/2021 16:20

That’s quite the merry path your boyfriend has led you along, isn’t it?

Give the baby your surname.
Share maternity leave.
Got back to work full time.
Continue to contribute to your pension as much as you can.
Ensure you have savings in your own name.

As an unmarried mother, if you split tomorrow he’ll have to pay CMS, nothing more.
If you take time out to raise your child and sacrifice your career for his and you split, you’ll have no entitlement to his pension.
If he dies, you’ll pay inheritance tax on pretty much anything he leaves you.
He can change his will, pension, and death in service bequests without consulting you.

I’m so sick of these men who are so “traditional” that they insist their children take their name, but not traditional enough to afford the mother legal and financial protection.

Go in to this with eyes open.

Ohalrightthen · 03/02/2021 16:40

@VodselForDinner

That’s quite the merry path your boyfriend has led you along, isn’t it?

Give the baby your surname.
Share maternity leave.
Got back to work full time.
Continue to contribute to your pension as much as you can.
Ensure you have savings in your own name.

As an unmarried mother, if you split tomorrow he’ll have to pay CMS, nothing more.
If you take time out to raise your child and sacrifice your career for his and you split, you’ll have no entitlement to his pension.
If he dies, you’ll pay inheritance tax on pretty much anything he leaves you.
He can change his will, pension, and death in service bequests without consulting you.

I’m so sick of these men who are so “traditional” that they insist their children take their name, but not traditional enough to afford the mother legal and financial protection.

Go in to this with eyes open.

OP, this is the most important post on this thread.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

Original poster
Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 16:48

@iVampire

Tell him you are traditional

Babies have their mother’s name, which can match the father’s if the parents are married

Read up on the differences between cohabitating and marriage, and do not give up any of your financial independence, career prospects or pensions contributions.

That might mean an earlier return to work than you had envisaged, and higher childcare bills (but they will be 50% his) but do not make yourself dependent on someone who could leave you high and dry

Yes I have planned to go back to work full time in the meantime, at least until we can work out the best way forward childcare wise.

He is fully involved in my sons life and is a good father - and in all other aspects is extremely caring and loving. I think it's something I need to get to the bottom of. He says he will ask me to get married, it's just the way he discusses it makes me concerned he thinks otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 16:51

@RubaiyatOfAnyone

Give the baby your name. You will regret it if you don't because this "whenever we discuss marriage my partner is very dismissive and can become very defensive, even if just the word marriage is mentioned" indicates he is not interested in marrying you, and when someone tells you who they are you should believe them.

If I am overly cynical and you end up happily married in a year, great! you can go to the Registry Office together and change your baby's name to your new family name.

You cannot, however, swap his name for yours if you give the baby his name (without his permission, which he has no incentive to give) and your child will forever have a different name to you.

I am not saying this as a cynical man-hater, my DP and I were not married when DD1 was born and we double-barrelled our names for her, but we were both on the same page re.marriage and got married as planned a couple of years later. FWIW, we both kept our own names and dds both have the double-barelled version. However, this is not what it sounds like is happening with you. He is cutting you out of the ability to decide your own future by refusing to engage with the question. Keep the power you have, which is to give the child your family name. Do not rely on a vague promise of 'one day we will' to give away this one chance you have.

The "one day we will" just hit home. That's how most conversations end - or in an argument with him feeling like I'm pestering him.

It's not about the wedding to me - it's about security for the future

OP posts:
Original poster
Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 16:52

@Agatha56

If you have a baby and then marry the father after they have been born, legally you have to re-register the baby to make them "a legitimate child of the marriage". So you could give the baby your surname and then if/ when you get married, change it when you register them again.
Yes this is definitely something I am considering and thinking about. It may be a difficult discussion but it needs to be had
OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/02/2021 16:53

Give your child both your names and change it to just his if you get married. Sorry OP but he has no reason to get married if he doesn’t want to.

Original poster
Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 16:54

@Onthetrain75

How old is he? Do you think he was ready to start a family? Are there issues in his past that might make him reluctant to get married? Sadly I think that if one of you wants marriage and the other doesn’t then you may be in for a rough ride. It’s hard to know without more info but you should be careful I think about losing any of your independence if he’s in any way unreliable.
He is 29, turning 30 this year. He says he eventually wants to, but it's one of those "one day" discussions. I'm just trying to think about security for my son, but I think he thinks I'm more bothered about the actual wedding.

It wouldn't bother me if we just went to the registry office - it's more about securing the future

OP posts:
Woodlandbelle · 03/02/2021 16:57

Give the baby your surname 100 percent do not use the fathers name unless you are married.

Original poster
Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 16:57

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Give your child both your names and change it to just his if you get married. Sorry OP but he has no reason to get married if he doesn’t want to.
If he doesn't want to be married I would be able to accept that and we could plan accordingly. My concern is that he has told me that he wants to be married one day - but is wanting to keep our sons name with his family name as if we we're already married. It may be that having double barrelled will be better, but I know this will upset my partner
OP posts:
Cpl654321 · 03/02/2021 17:01

Yeah time for a chat with him op.

I had a DP who said "one day we will" "when we are ready" "we need to to xyz first" I told him I was happy to just go sign some papers with a witness and he said no no, I want a wedding.

10 years of my life and not a sniff of a proposal! When I left him he was all "I was going to ask you to marry me, you just needed to give me more time" HmmConfused

GreenClock · 03/02/2021 17:03

If it’s the big wedding that’s bothering him, provisionally book a registry office slot. If he then comes up with another excuse, you’ll know he’s uncommitted.

Original poster
Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 17:03

@Nomorescreentime

Oh I agree, the baby can have your surname until you get married. Something tells me he won’t be happy with that though...?

Are you the main earner? If not you are at real risk if you are unmarried.

I earn more than my partner, I have planned to take 9 months maternity and return full time. I might review this in the future when I'm more sure things but I intend to keep my career
OP posts:
Windchangeface · 03/02/2021 17:04

OP I’m not sure if you’re a regular MN user but I hope you’ll do a search at least to see all the hundreds of women posting about essentially the same situation.

DP said he wanted us to marry but it’s now been X years, we have 2-3 children with his surname, I’m a SAHP and now when I bring up marriage he totally shoots me down It’s the same over and over and over again. Women who have simply given men all the control and power.

I almost jumped for joy to see you were returning to work. Do not get talked into anything less ‘because childcare is expensive’ don’t give DP any of the benefits of marriage unless you get the security of it!

DO NOT GIVE DS HIS SURNAME You carried him, you birthed him and when your surname changes so can his! If it matters to DP and he gets upset good, that should incentivise him to marry you shouldn’t it? I mean whatever argument he makes for being upset DS won’t share his surname, just remember that DP is happy enough for you to have to walk out of that registry office having a different surname to your child and expects you to just get on with that and wait patiently for his proposal... which may or may not come.