Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Marriage after having baby

57 replies

Zozo24 · 03/02/2021 15:52

Okay so settle a debate for me so I don’t feel like I am going mad
I have recently given birth to my 2 month old son.
My partner and I have always discussed having children, but I am much more family oriented when we discuss future plans.

When I found out I was pregnant my partner was happy but it took a while for him to get his head around it. I was overjoyed but did everything I could to support him in feeling as prepared as possible to be a dad.

We recently moved in together into what we called our “family home” - so the idea of children was always there.

Because of me being family oriented, I have always wanted to get married. My partner said he wanted to have children first and move home which I was happy with and did this with him and my full support.

When I was pregnant we discussed getting married because my partner wanted our child to have his name. I said I was happy with this as but one day I would want us all to share the same family name (ie marriage).

Fast forward to now and whenever we discuss marriage my partner is very dismissive and can become very defensive, even if just the word marriage is mentioned. I can’t help feeling a little hurt by it. I know I’m postpartum so probably more emotional than normal but it makes me feel as though its all a little unfair on his half to be so dismissive after I’ve supported him - I almost feel rejected.

We are registering baby on Friday and I can feel that I’m going to be emotional about it. Am I ridiculous for thinking like this? It’s not as though I want him to get down on one knee right now - but he he no enthusiasm or excitement about the idea and that’s what bothers me.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 03/02/2021 17:07

Hes not worried about upsetting you
But you have to bend over backwards to please him?

Register the baby in your name only and change when you get married

But my guess he will keep you hanging for years and a few more children, if ever

Sunflowergirl1 · 03/02/2021 17:08

I agree with @Windchangeface

My mantra is normally no ring, then no babies but you are where you are.

If he doesn't want to marry you do you want to be with him? I wouldn't

MostlyHappyMummy · 03/02/2021 17:09

Give baby your surname
He will try and guilt you into using his
But you'll regret it if you do

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
KatyClaire · 03/02/2021 17:15

I think at this point you need to behave on the assumption that you will never get married, because everything about his behaviour to date suggests that will be the case. He has given no indication whatsoever that he intends to get married.

That means you should absolutely give the baby your surname, not his. I also think it’s very important that you keep your career. It unnerves next to see you say it’s under review - you would be absolutely mad to give up work to look after children without the security of marriage.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2021 17:21

He says he eventually wants to, but it's one of those "one day" discussions.

This bullshit again. You own a home together, have a child together, but marriage is a "one day" discussion? One day my arse. Sorry op, but he has no intentions of ever getting married. I've seen this exact situation so many times before. Be smart and financially protect yourself.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/02/2021 17:25

Agree with @KatyClaire.

It’s great you are planning to go back to work
But give baby your name. If he gets upset, remember it’s something he can easily fix if he wants to by marrying you. No reason why the wedding can’t be booked by the time you register baby

Also my general impression reading your initial thread is that his emotions and his feelings dominate your relationship whereas your feelings and emotions don’t get a look in. Reflect on that. Is that true? Is that the way you want to live your life??

user1465423698 · 03/02/2021 17:27

Baby takes your name.

If you marry and take his name "one day" then baby can also take his name then. One day.

user1465423698 · 03/02/2021 17:28

Also my general impression reading your initial thread is that his emotions and his feelings dominate your relationship whereas your feelings and emotions don’t get a look in. Reflect on that. Is that true? Is that the way you want to live your life??

I was thinking similar too.

AmandaHugenkiss · 03/02/2021 17:44

Agree with all the previous posters. I’ve seen this happen to a friend who ended up being left with nothing.

Also, if the baby has his surname, do you really want to have to ask for his written permission to take your child abroad on holiday or to visit family? What if he says no?

MrsToadlike · 03/02/2021 17:45

Hmmm if I were you... give your baby your surname, or a double barrelled form of both your surnames. If you get married in future, if you choose to change your surname to your husband's then your child can have their surname changed too.

I have seen this scenario happen so many times amongst friends and family. It almost never works out the way the woman wants it to

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/02/2021 17:47

Question for MN- why can’t the baby have both surnames, everyone advocates the mothers surname but surely both is fine?

RandomMess · 03/02/2021 17:55

I agree his attitude of being dismissive speaks volumes.

Give your DS your surname and it can be changed when you get married. School will assume you are Ms DS surname, traveling alone with him abroad can be problematic with different surnames too.

ZippedyDooDa · 03/02/2021 18:00

I have always wanted to get married. My partner said he wanted to have children first and move home which I was happy with and did this with him and my full support.

What was his reason for wanting to have children first, before getting married? And why did you agree? Sorry OP but it sounds like he has never been keen on marriage. He certainly isnt now. I cant help but think that he is nowhere near as committed to this relationship as you are.
Definitely give your baby your surname.

BlueThistles · 03/02/2021 18:01

Do NOT give the baby HIS surname

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/02/2021 18:04

Register the baby with your surname alone. If he wants the show of commitment from you in naming the baby after him then he can show commitment to you and get married.

Quite honestly though, it doesn't sound like he wants to marry so I'd name the baby your name and just make sure you keep one eye on the door.

KevinSausage · 03/02/2021 18:37

@user1465423698

Baby takes your name.

If you marry and take his name "one day" then baby can also take his name then. One day.

This, 100% this. Don't let yourself be future faked OP
PurpleMustang · 03/02/2021 18:44

I got the engagement ring. Then the house. Then the babies. Yes, one day. A child is more important than a piece of paper. He has left. And being unmarried you only keep what is in your name. If I knew then what I know now for the kids, I would of given the kids at best double barrelled or mine only but not his name as I did.

babyyodaxmas · 03/02/2021 20:41

I booked the registry office DS was 18m. Was it romantic ? No, got the job done though.

Stompergirl · 03/02/2021 20:53

You’ve got some good advice here.

There are 100’s of threads in this, ins so sorry. He’d marry you in a registry office if he wanted to be married. I’d assume he doesn’t want to as others have said and plan accordingly. Don’t give up your financial freedom, make sure he does 50% of the work/housework/mental load/childcare and don’t give the baby his name unless you’re happy to have different names for the rest of your lives.

Jobsharenightmare · 03/02/2021 21:07

There's another thread on here at the moment and someone who wants kids at 34 is trying to get their partner to see that she'd rather marry at a registry office and start a family married than save forever prioritising buying their first house.....Someone on that thread has pointed out that many men see marriage as more of a commitment than having a child and buying a house, hence why they'll happily shack up but won't get married. Future faking they called it.

I wonder if your partner doesn't really want to marry you? There's only one way to find out. As others have suggested, you could have this conversation and suggest a registry office date.

caringcarer · 03/02/2021 22:50

Give baby your name. If your partner wants your child to.have his name the way to do that is to marry you. There will be no incentive to get married if you give baby his name. You do realise then you will have a different name to your own baby. Surely you don't want that. I would have insisted on no marriage no baby. Keep financial independence. Go back to work do as not to give up some of your potential pension earnings. Put baby into nursery and make him pay half. Whatever you do do not agree you will stay home with baby whilst he goes out to work.

Onlinedilema · 03/02/2021 23:12

I agree with all of this.
All this bullshit about nominating to propose to you and do it in his time, really? He's already got you pregnant why the big proposal?
Do not give the baby his name, if you do you might end up one of the 1000s of women who regret it when things don't work out and you are left with a child who didn't even have your surname.
I see he's played the "It's tradition for a child to take its father's surname" card. Well it's also tradition to marry a woman before she gives birth.
No, he's no traditionalist just wants what's best for him and to be blunt, that is remaining unmarried. Once he's on the register page, he has parental rights yet whilst you remain unmarried you are not his next of kin and not entitled to the legal protection a wife has.

TheCraicDealer · 03/02/2021 23:22

It may be that having double barrelled will be better, but I know this will upset my partner

He knows stonewalling you about marriage and fobbing you off is upsetting you, but he doesn't give a shit does he?

Tell him that given the circumstances DS is getting your name. If he kicks off and you feel so inclined "compromise" with going double barrelled. But the only way you're giving the baby only his name is if you're married- don't settle for anything less.

BlueThistles · 04/02/2021 03:25

Please don't CAVE on Friday OP... Flowers

Original poster
Zozo24 · 04/02/2021 13:48

@Zozo24

Okay so settle a debate for me so I don’t feel like I am going mad I have recently given birth to my 2 month old son. My partner and I have always discussed having children, but I am much more family oriented when we discuss future plans.

When I found out I was pregnant my partner was happy but it took a while for him to get his head around it. I was overjoyed but did everything I could to support him in feeling as prepared as possible to be a dad.

We recently moved in together into what we called our “family home” - so the idea of children was always there.

Because of me being family oriented, I have always wanted to get married. My partner said he wanted to have children first and move home which I was happy with and did this with him and my full support.

When I was pregnant we discussed getting married because my partner wanted our child to have his name. I said I was happy with this as but one day I would want us all to share the same family name (ie marriage).

Fast forward to now and whenever we discuss marriage my partner is very dismissive and can become very defensive, even if just the word marriage is mentioned. I can’t help feeling a little hurt by it. I know I’m postpartum so probably more emotional than normal but it makes me feel as though its all a little unfair on his half to be so dismissive after I’ve supported him - I almost feel rejected.

We are registering baby on Friday and I can feel that I’m going to be emotional about it. Am I ridiculous for thinking like this? It’s not as though I want him to get down on one knee right now - but he he no enthusiasm or excitement about the idea and that’s what bothers me.

So just an update - we had the discussion - He's currently sulking and thinks that I'm punishing him for not proposing. I've explained it's not about a wedding, it's about family and parental responsibility. Leaving him to think.

He will be taking both names.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread