Child walked in on sex

[MancunianOne]

Anyone else had to deal with this. I'm long term separated from EXW and my DS (just 11) recently told me one evening (quite upset) that when at his mum's house he heard a noise and went downstairs and saw his mum and her partner at it on the kitchen table. He didn't disturb and left, and she still doesn't know.
He knows about the birds and bees and so we have had the talk about how it is a loving thing, and not just a procreation thing, so that confusion seems abated and he seems to be content now that he wasn't witnessing an assault. But he was very upset by it.

Thoughts: let it lie with her or mention it?

Ask your DS if he would like to speak to his mother.

It is quite a tricky one, but it is good that he can talk to you. Your main concern is that he is ok.

I think she needs to know, it feels wrong to keep it secret from a parent. Could you talk to him about needing to tell her because it's a privacy thing, that although it was an accident that he saw, she needs to know as it concerns her? You could ask if he wants you to tell her instead of him having to.

I'm glad you explained that. I think it's critical that he's taught it's a very normal part of adult life BUT that it's also not normal for him, a child, to see it. I would probably sympathise about how embarrassing that will have been for his mum and partner to be viewed and say sorry you saw that, adults do their best to keep relationship activities private so you're not surprised he's upset and freaked out. But assure him it's normal and also that he well within his rights to be cross and raise it with his mum that it's inappropriate not to take care not to be seen. She merits a slap on the wrist for it from you or your son if he's able to raise it.

The most important thing is that he was able to talk it through with one of his parents, which you've done a good job of.

I can't quite decide on whether you should tell her yourself. Ideally it would good to give her a heads up so she can be more careful in future but I think it depends on your relationship with her and whether she'd take it well. If there's any possibility that she'd make DS feel bad for telling you then don't. Strongly encourage him to chat with his mum though, and to tell you if anything similar happens (because a one off is one thing but if they regularly have sex where he can find them then I'd be very concerned).

I walked in on my parents having sex when I was 10 (to be fair they were in their bedroom late at night and I just walked in without knocking so they definitely weren't doing anything wrong). My parents didn't see me so I sat with it for ages and couldn't get it out of my head. In the end I told my mum because I was so disturbed by it. It really helped me to have a chat with her about and and talk through what I'd seen. We also had a chat about the importance of always knocking before entering a bedroom etc. (not relevant in this case really). I think you should tell your ex wife... it might give her a nudge to take better precautions next time.

Oh god, I walked in on my parents having sex when I was 11 and it scarred me for years and years. Absolutely horrid.

I think it happens to a lot of people, and most forget or get over it, it's not a huge deal. It happened to me I think I was about 8 or 9, my mum came and spoke to me about it. I would tell his mum, I'm sure he'll be fine tho.

Thanks all. I will raise it with her - luckily we do have a good relationship (though I suspect she will be mortified!)
And as some have noted, yes I was very relieved that he was happy enough to raise this with me - we do have a very "open-discussions" household so this has paid off. (Though quite frankly DS could probably do with less of his sister (13) excitedly discussing periods at every available opportunity.... but that's another, much easier, issue!)

I think you should tell your exW, not in a shaming way, but just so that she's a bit more mindful about where she's having sex while her DS is in the house.

Definitely mention it especially as you’ve got a good relationship with her; surprised she’d risk it in a shared area of the house with an 11 year old at home. It’s good he felt able to talk to you about it

@MancunianOne why do you think your daughter shouldn't discuss periods in front of her brother?

@MissSmiley what made you think I veto any conversation?

We are more than happy to discuss all bodily matters here - merely expressing that DS, being an 11yo boy, always rolls his eyes at anything to do with periods.

(Though I suspect his sister's gruesome tales actually have a grim fascination for him, and I guarantee he is the best informed on the subject in his school! I don't want to do him down on the periods front, he's an absolute sweetie, doting on his sister if she complains about cramps, despite his theatricals.)

Oh god. DD walked in on us once, she was about 9. The lock on.our door was crap, it was 5.30 in the morning.
Oh it was grim. Dp swerved any conversation on it leaving me to deal with it (bloody Catholic Irish when it suits him).
It was mortifying
I just gently said we were having special cuddles and it was fine for adults who like each other very much
When they got round to sex ed at school I kept thinking she was going to say something at school but thankfully not.