What's 'kinder' sleep question?

[Lelophants]

Is it worse to let a 1 year old fall asleep on you or with you (rocking/feeding/lying with you), you move them and when they wake they cry really upset until you bring them in
with you OR do shush and pat sleep training every night where they cry a LOT as you try and get them in their cot but then maybe it works?

I can deal with the former and my gut prefers it, but I wonder if it's just as hard for them. If I thought shush and pat was be all and end all I'd do it, but I know it often doesn't work.

In my opinion it's important for children to fall asleep where they stay asleep. If she falls asleep on you and then wakes up alone in her cot, she'll be scared and upset. If she falls asleep by herself, if she wakes up by herself she's much more likely to just go back to sleep without needing you.

We did very very very short CC with DD at 7 months to get her to self settle, it took a week. And then she was able to go to sleep by herself, which was INCREDIBLE. Then when i was confident she was eating enough solids in the day, i did CC overnight and she slept 7-7.

All the patting and shhhhing and that, it's exhausting. If i were you I'd take the one stressful week over months and months of fraught bedtimes.

Why do you need to move them?

@Thatwentbadly

Why do you need to move them?

Because it isn't safe to let your child sleep on you all night!?

From the point you are - The kindest thing would be for DC to fall asleep next to you and stay asleep next to you. That would involve no crying, confusion or upset.

Failing to teach your child how to sleep independently while also expecting the child to sleep independently... that isn't kind or good for anyone.

Either
(A) decide to be gentle and follow attachment parenting principles of being your child's support to sleep all the time they are asleep (ie cosleeping, or a version thereof)
Or
(B) teach the child to sleep independently.

You are doing a mish-mash of the two and that is the problem.

If you follow the safe 7 guidelines then there is very little risk to bed sharing with a 1 year old.

I was asking because people maybe able to offer alternative solutions.

I have a 1 year old who was rocked to sleep every night. We always rocked him to sleep in his room, then put him in the cot right away when he dropped off so no change of room, he wakes in the room he dropped off in. If you’re rocking him somewhere else could that be a start?

We did a combo of shush/pat, slowly leaving the room and limited CIO (he would shout and call but never actually cry) and he does now settle himself to sleep. It’s so hard when you see them upset. Good luck OP. X

Because I find it really hard (mentally and physically) to cosleep all the time. I'm in constant debate with myself about what is best for him.

I've tried pat and shush for a few nights in a row. He's never angry he is just absolutely hysterical with sadness and crying until exhaustion then waking and crying more. I feel like it's cruel to do it constantly if it keeps not working but I dont know tbh.

@excitednerves he's never just angry it's heart-wrenching sobbing and then he's just really sad for hours and hours after even when holding him

@Thatwentbadly

If you follow the safe 7 guidelines then there is very little risk to bed sharing with a 1 year old.

I agree and I was doing that for months but I really miss my space and I can't leave him alone in our bed as that's unsafe.

You can put the mattress on the floor and make the room safe. There are ways round it. But if you are not happy cosleeping then that is a different matter so there would be no point in me explain how to do so - which is why I was asking.

@FATEdestiny

From the point you are - The kindest thing would be for DC to fall asleep next to you and stay asleep next to you. That would involve no crying, confusion or upset.

Failing to teach your child how to sleep independently while also expecting the child to sleep independently... that isn't kind or good for anyone.

Either
(A) decide to be gentle and follow attachment parenting principles of being your child's support to sleep all the time they are asleep (ie cosleeping, or a version thereof)
Or
(B) teach the child to sleep independently.

You are doing a mish-mash of the two and that is the problem.

I’m with @FATEdestiny. You are inadvertently giving mixed messages I think. I prefer to cosleep and settle them where they will be sleeping.

Right. Going to try and settle him in the place of sleep for a few days and if that doesn't work go back to cosleeping.

Wish me luck!

Good luck, OP. Keep us posted. I have the same internal debate as you...