Making such a mess of this

[pawivy]

Feeling really lonely and just wanted to get this out somewhere. Likely to be long.

I am really struggling at the moment and I'm not sure how much longer I can manage.

After fifteen years of heartache I have a two year old and a two week old. I'm getting it all wrong.

Two year old basically never slept till fourteen months, two week old going down same path probably caused by me.

Feeding

I tried to BF this time exclusively and couldn't cope with cluster and toddler. I reduced to fast and am sore and full. Baby now taking recommended daily formula plus maybe six feeds from me. Cluster feeding until maybe one, I'm getting about four hours broken sleep.

Sleep.

I'm sitting in an armchair in the kitchen, baby in and out crib or bouncer or on me, yes I know. Not good.

I'm scared to go to bed, toddler in next room and whilst now sleeps, would wake and I cannot cope with both up and tired.

DH is calving. He is getting up at four, checking shed, taking baby till seven, letting me get two hours, if no issues.

Inlaws are childcare for sil.

My parents childcare for sister.

Lockdown anxiety added on.

I've seen nobody, no HV just a call. One midwife but I had to travel to town half hour away. I had bad post natal anxiety after toddler. Mainly caused by previous losses and a fear re her health. Friends can't visit. It's snowing now as well.

Dh will soon have to go back to normal six am to eight pm hours.

I didn't think I can do it. I'm so tired. Toddler is very hard work. I'm trying to get out but it's so windy and cold. I had a section and I'm slower on ice with two of them.

At moment I get a shower first thing. How can I do that?

Toddler naps usually an hour after lunch, baby cluster feeds then.

When do I eat? Cook? Clean? Like basic level. I have three dogs, luckily well trained with a huge field but still, they need love and attention.

I feel like everyone wants me and I'm running out of what I can give.

How do I do it? Where do I start? I need to sort baby sleeping arrangements but by night I'm so bloody tired.

I have a huge square leather couch, could I cosleep on that? It's a strange object but is in kitchen.

Should I drop BF altogether?

How can I pull myself together before I end up really unwell again?

I appreciate I have caused most of this with messing up feeding and sleeping but I'm feeling really weepy tonight and I don't know what to do for the best.

If you are doing it yourself I wouldn’t drop the bf. It’s easier than bm if you are doing it all anyway.

You must not cosleep on a sofa it’s very dangerous. Google the safe 7 for cosleeping. Cosleep and if your toddler wakes then they can snuggle down on the other side of you. If you can learn to feed laying down it’s a game changer.

For a shower but the baby in the bouncer chair in the bathroom. Toddler in from of the TV or if they can’t be trusted in a room by themselves in the bathroom with you watching ceebies on your phone.
Can you/would you get a cleaner?

Can grandparents drop of food? Live on ready made food for a while, for a few months it’s fine.

You need to be survival mode at the moment. The newborn stage is something to endure in my experience, it gets easier I promise.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are doing your best for you two child with a husband working very long hours and with no support because we are in a the middle of pandemic.

You haven't messed up, you're doing a great job under really difficult circumstances. Give yourself a break. Do you think dropping BF will help? If so do it. Don't worry about cleaning, we're in lockdown no-one will be able to come and see. If the leather couch is comfy and safe then go for it xxx

You haven't messed anything up! Honestly if you can keep up with the breastfeeding I would try and stop with the formula - the cluster feeding stage doesn't normally last that long and then it's much quicker than making up bottles.

Definitely try and co-sleep on your bed, there are ways of making it safe. Please don't try it on the sofa.

Everything else just needs to be let go for now - I know family can't help with childcare but could they drop off meals or anything? Let the housework go and let your toddler watch TV all day if you need to, you're still recovering and need to rest as much as you can.

your situation sounds really difficult but please know that this is definitely not your fault and you have not caused this!!

I am afraid I don't have any expert advice so the following is just random thoughts:

Re help:
If neither your in laws or parents could swap their childcare bubble over to you (would neither your sil or dsis be prepared to make that sacrifice?) is there anyone else you can bubble with? You are allowed with a child under 1 in the house.

I would also call your midwife and/or gp to say how much you are struggling. Your mental health is a priority.

Re sleep
You cannot train a two week old and their sleep (and that of your toddler) is not your fault. Personally I think cosleeping on a couch is a big risk and I would not do it (and I did sleep with ours in our bed). Could your bed mattress be moved into any other room away from your toddler tomorrow?

Cleaning:
Don't clean! Don't tidy! It's really not a priority. Leave the dirty dishes out and just wipe them ready for the next meal. Wear the same clothes every day, same for toddler and baby unless significantly soiled.

Food:
If possible don't cook but get ready made meals. Of course this isnt healthy and is expensive, but it would only be short term.
If this isn't possible could friends and family cook you a meal and drop it off?
Otherwise do utter basics with minimal to no prep - tinned tuna on jacket potato, sandwiches, eating cheese/ham straight from the packet etc. Let all your standards slip!

Feeding baby:
Do what is best for you - breast or bottle it really doesn't matter! In this situation (and every baby feeding situation) what is best for you is best for baby. Don't feel a moment's guilt, but be proud you are making a healthy decision (either way) that will benefit you both.

@TWBAEM

your situation sounds really difficult but please know that this is definitely not your fault and you have not caused this!!

I am afraid I don't have any expert advice so the following is just random thoughts:

Re help:
If neither your in laws or parents could swap their childcare bubble over to you (would neither your sil or dsis be prepared to make that sacrifice?) is there anyone else you can bubble with? You are allowed with a child under 1 in the house.

I would also call your midwife and/or gp to say how much you are struggling. Your mental health is a priority.

Re sleep
You cannot train a two week old and their sleep (and that of your toddler) is not your fault. Personally I think cosleeping on a couch is a big risk and I would not do it (and I did sleep with ours in our bed). Could your bed mattress be moved into any other room away from your toddler tomorrow?

Cleaning:
Don't clean! Don't tidy! It's really not a priority. Leave the dirty dishes out and just wipe them ready for the next meal. Wear the same clothes every day, same for toddler and baby unless significantly soiled.

Food:
If possible don't cook but get ready made meals. Of course this isnt healthy and is expensive, but it would only be short term.
If this isn't possible could friends and family cook you a meal and drop it off?
Otherwise do utter basics with minimal to no prep - tinned tuna on jacket potato, sandwiches, eating cheese/ham straight from the packet etc. Let all your standards slip!

Feeding baby:
Do what is best for you - breast or bottle it really doesn't matter! In this situation (and every baby feeding situation) what is best for you is best for baby. Don't feel a moment's guilt, but be proud you are making a healthy decision (either way) that will benefit you both.

Everything said here.

And me saying you have not messed up! You are doing what we all do in those first newborn weeks - just getting through.

Sending a hug x

I might need to come back later as baby not settled.

Sofa I'm not explaining very well. It's a square, like a bed shape but leather. So I could put a sheet on it, but it is not a bed. It's like a fold down bed permanent bed shape but with sofa back and one side like a corner one has.

I wanted to BF but I really can't. I was feeding all day and night. Toddler screaming blue murder, dropped nap, tantrums, throwing. Just awful. She has improved now I can spend some time with just her.

Toddler cannot be trusted, no wifi in bathroom. I've looked into cleaner but extremely rural and no response to advert. Money also a slight issue as made redundant in Dec and not there long enough for anything, well I was but long story and have been completely taken advantage of. Food is good idea will ask them.

Hand hold OP- my husband is a farmer too so I totally get how isolating it having a baby out in the countryside (less able to access quick fixes to make things easier like takeaways\convienience shops for ready meals)

I had my baby in the last lockdown and that was hard enough with oh working all hours , my mum had to come and look after us as I also had a section

Let people know you need help, don’t suffer alone, you can’t be expected to do it all xx

Mattress in kitchen!!!!! Genius omg, thank you I'm now crying.

And yes to some food mum says but she won't drive here in this weather....but I think I could send dh or a neighbour ( 2 miles) maybe if she left it outside so no contact.

This is helping so much. I feel I have nobody and I couldn't even think straight. Taken me all day to type it.

They won't swop child care. Haven't even met baby. Siblings key workers so I do get that.

You're doing great! This really will pass! You've just got to survive it. Do any small tiny thing that brings you joy. I'm sorry no one is helping.

Pawivy.

It sounds like you are so desperate for help and a little bit of reassurance.

I’ve been a nanny/ maternity nurse for 11 years and have seen many mums struggling on a day to day basis. You are not alone trust me.

What makes you think you are doing a bad job? Who says this? Is it just you and your anxiety or is someone or something telling you this? When I say something I mean do you read baby books at all? Baby books are great for advice but most of these books are written by woman who are basing their books on one baby. That one baby is a made up baby because let’s face it they are not all the same! All babies are different and they each have different ways of showing this.

From the years of my experience the one thing I always tell woman is to yes read books if they help but read them with a different mind set. The baby books say “breast is better for baby” yes okay it is but there is a time when you as mUm have to take control and ask yourself is this worth it? Are my heavily sore bruised, bleeding breasts worth it? The answer is NO. It’s not at all worth it if you are having to push yourself so much. Formula is just as good. Just because one of the other mummy’s breastfed their boy or girl until she or he was 1 doesn’t mean you have to. It’s not a competition. I’ve looked after a mum who was beside herself because she had very bad anxiety about breastfeeding. She would breastfeed until she was raw. And I mean raw and just wouldn’t and didn’t want to Give in. I asked why she was doing this to herself and she replied “because this is what mums should be able to do and the book is telling me I must keep trying. All my friends managed it, why can’t I?”. This was the saddest thing I think I’ve ever heard. She was pushing her so much because she cared about what other people might think but she wasn’t looking out for herself.

Firstly where do baby and toddler sleep? You mentioned co-sleeping on a sofa is a option but is this really the road you want to go down? Especially if they are both not sleeping well as it is. If you start co-sleeping there will be an increased bond and certain way that you cannot break. Co-sleeping is also very dangerous especially for a newborn. It’s not worth the risk. The only place you should be sleeping is in a bed next to your DH. Baby should be sleeping in a Moses basket/ cot and nowhere else. Baby needs to get used to sleeping this way otherwise if they grow constantly attached to mum they will never want to let go and you will set yourself up for a rockier ride.
What’s the bed time routine at the moment for baby and toddler? Do you have one?

Why are you scared to go to sleep?

You really need to be eating/ drinking and resting a little lovely. How do you expect to look after a toddler and newborn without any rest? You can’t.

Does your toddler enjoy playing by themselves? Maybe colouring? Puzzles etc? Honestly toddlers need to form a little independence so let them! It will do you and them good. Or yes like the other lady said there’s no shame in letting your toddler watch a little tv whilst you sort everything else out. Sit down with a cuppa whilst they are doing so if that helps! Eat something! Let me know your sleeping arrangements I might be able to send you over a plan to follow if you like which has worked with previous families. Xx

You really are doing a great job in a very difficult set of circumstances. Even writing out your OP shows that you are a good parent who wants the best for their children! Your children are lucky to have such a parent!

I’ve got a two year old and a ebf four month old so have just come through the other side with the difficult newborn stage. I also have a farmer for a husband too!

It’s so difficult the first 6 weeks (which may seem a long way off at the moment but take it day by day). You’ll hit 6 weeks and it’ll likely get easier and again at 8 and 12 weeks it’ll get easier again as the baby feeds quicker and more efficiently and sleep starts resembling some sort of routine.

My tips are to not panic if the baby cries. There will be times when the baby is crying and your busy with your toddler and you will need to leave the baby while you finish up what you are doing with the toddler (toilet, feeding etc). Leaving the baby to cry for a few minutes does not make you a bad mother.

If you haven’t already get yourself a double buggy and aim for at least half an hour outside a day. I’ve got 23 months between my two and if I go for a walk the eldest is still too young to not have a buggy.

Always have somewhere to quickly ‘put’ the baby safe from the toddler. We had the buggy in the kitchen and the Moses basket in the lounge. We’ve now swapped the Moses basket for a jumperoo.

You can do this, it’s a big adjustment but once you get past the awful newborn stage it will become much easier.

I actually found it harder while my husband was at home under my feet, when he left it was easier in a way to get into our own rhythm and routine. Hopefully you’ll be the same. Though I’d insist if you can on him coming in for the bedtime routine!!

Please don’t beat yourself up, you’re 2 weeks in after a bloody csection!!! No wonder it’s tough xx

Toddler did not sleep till 14 months. Now sleeps and that nearly broke me and my fear is undoing that. Toddler in strict working routine, any change it goes downhill fast. They sleep in a cot in their own room. I have monitor in the kitchen. Did cosleep on and off till improvement.

Baby is awake mostly but sleeps either in bouncer, crib or on me. I sleep in kitchen in a chair. No routine. Mainly caused by messing up feeding, very like lady mentioned I am bleeding and raw and sore and leaky.

Sorry I am trying to reply just juggling.

Disco yes I need to sort safe places, will think about that. Have huge kitchen table so basket is up there at moment but that needs to change when moving or soon.

Toddler 26 months so more walking than buggy. I have got a farm pram so am trying to get out but it's rough ground and not the nicest.

Good point about rhythm, I'm just all over the place.

You aren’t messing up OP - you just have too much on your plate.

You absolutely must stop the cosleeping on the chair or sofa. It’s a huge SIDS risk and just absolutely not worth it.

I would research safe cosleeping in your bed, and if your toddler wakes have them come into bed too. It would be much safer.

At two weeks old your baby isn’t going to have a sleep routine - it doesn’t mean they are destined to never sleep. You’re in the thick of it now but it will get better

I've got a three month old and a two year old and am here to tell you it is not your fault!

My first was (and is) a terrible sleeper. My second is a little dream that I pop in his cot 'drowsy but awake' and he drifts off on his own (probably will all go to hell in the 4 month regression, but nice while it lasts). Toddler has drifted off on her own probably five times total in her 32 months on this planet (and I just had to pause in my typing to head on down to her room because she'd woken and needed resettling). I truly believe it's down to the kid- some are just poor sleepers and it isn't your fault. Do what you need to to maximise sleep. Bedshare, feed to sleep, contact nap... Whatever gets you the sleep.

This, too, shall pass.

Whichever feeding method you find easiest do that, combo feed if it's working for you but don't worry about FF if it isn't.

Mattress in another room for sleeping is a good idea. As when you sleep you'll actually get a rest.

Cook do nice ready made meals but they are expensive. Ask family to make some freezer meals and DH can pick them up if needs be. If you're anywhere near me I'd be happy to help.

You're not failing at all, you're doing your best through a ridiculously difficult time during a lockdown during a pandemic. Cut yourself some slack. As baby gets older things will fall into a pattern but the early days are just chaos. I felt like that and I didn't have a toddler too. My DH was only out 10-10 and that was a challenge enough. Please be kind to yourself.

I'm not cosleeping in chair, just sitting and baby sleeps. I was asking about leather bed couch thing, mattress better idea.

You haven't messed up feeding @pawivy, some babies feed well and some don't. I had one that fed terribly, almost had to be readmitted and had to be moved onto formula. The other fed brilliantly from the word go, lovely long deep feeds. Neither was down to me - these things just happen, please do not blame yourself.

I also completely agree with @Disco91that you shouldn't worry if you need to leave the baby to cry for a short while. That happens with second children. You are not a bad mother when this happens. Especially given you had a c section, and are still bleeding I would make a daily shower a priority even if the baby is crying.

Also what about a sling for baby, DS was a contact napped and it saved my sanity. Pop baby in there to sleep while you do what else you need to do during the day.

Thank you @TWBAEM I'm glad you picked up on the shower bit, I should have clarified that more. I need to shower to keep this wound clean, it's doing well but still. Hibiscrub is my friend.....

Yes baby is having to have small crys, when bathing toddler, when getting the, up etc. I'm trying, it just all seems so hard today. Lots of poo, tears and tantrums.

OP just to say you haven’t failed at all. It’s such a hard stage - and you’re doing it in lockdown, post C section w a DP doing v long hours. You probably deserve a medal.

If you think dropping BF would help I personally would - it can contribute to tiredness and low mood, which in turn makes it harder for you to get toddler in a sleep routine.

Any chance your sis or sis in law could give up a day or two so your parents/PIL could help you? Maybe not if working but do try and let people know you are having a tough patch and any support would be good.

Cook meals are good, expensive but they do family sized ones which aren’t too bad, if necs could parents or in laws help with costs.

Hang in there. It will pass -