Making such a mess of this

[pawivy]

Feeling really lonely and just wanted to get this out somewhere. Likely to be long.

I am really struggling at the moment and I'm not sure how much longer I can manage.

After fifteen years of heartache I have a two year old and a two week old. I'm getting it all wrong.

Two year old basically never slept till fourteen months, two week old going down same path probably caused by me.

Feeding

I tried to BF this time exclusively and couldn't cope with cluster and toddler. I reduced to fast and am sore and full. Baby now taking recommended daily formula plus maybe six feeds from me. Cluster feeding until maybe one, I'm getting about four hours broken sleep.

Sleep.

I'm sitting in an armchair in the kitchen, baby in and out crib or bouncer or on me, yes I know. Not good.

I'm scared to go to bed, toddler in next room and whilst now sleeps, would wake and I cannot cope with both up and tired.

DH is calving. He is getting up at four, checking shed, taking baby till seven, letting me get two hours, if no issues.

Inlaws are childcare for sil.

My parents childcare for sister.

Lockdown anxiety added on.

I've seen nobody, no HV just a call. One midwife but I had to travel to town half hour away. I had bad post natal anxiety after toddler. Mainly caused by previous losses and a fear re her health. Friends can't visit. It's snowing now as well.

Dh will soon have to go back to normal six am to eight pm hours.

I didn't think I can do it. I'm so tired. Toddler is very hard work. I'm trying to get out but it's so windy and cold. I had a section and I'm slower on ice with two of them.

At moment I get a shower first thing. How can I do that?

Toddler naps usually an hour after lunch, baby cluster feeds then.

When do I eat? Cook? Clean? Like basic level. I have three dogs, luckily well trained with a huge field but still, they need love and attention.

I feel like everyone wants me and I'm running out of what I can give.

How do I do it? Where do I start? I need to sort baby sleeping arrangements but by night I'm so bloody tired.

I have a huge square leather couch, could I cosleep on that? It's a strange object but is in kitchen.

Should I drop BF altogether?

How can I pull myself together before I end up really unwell again?

I appreciate I have caused most of this with messing up feeding and sleeping but I'm feeling really weepy tonight and I don't know what to do for the best.

DH is calving.

I'm sitting in an armchair in the kitchen

I have a huge square leather couch, could I cosleep on that? It's a strange object but is in kitchen.

Have huge kitchen table

I have got a farm pram so am trying to get out

I’m totally fascinated by your set-up. What is a farm pram??

to you - things will get easier soon.

Youre in the bad patch. Had mine 15 months apart. Its so tough at the start with energetic toddler and baby awake all hours. All I can say is it passes, even a couple of months time it will be way easier. Baby will sleep more, yes probably not through but enough to make you feel human again and the weather will turn and that will help you. Just keep going, do the minimum needed and make sure weekends you sleep and dh takes charge so you get refreshed. Good luck

@1jan2020 not anything exciting, just a big old run Down pram with hard wheels and good suspension for battering round in mud and stones.

Hope you are feeling ok today @pawivy? Honestly I have so much sympathy - I have a 2yr old and a 4 month old and the memories of how difficult it was a few months ago are vivid! Remember you are still recovering physically, your hormones are everywhere, and your toddler is probably still in a state of absolute shock it is dark and cold and the news is awful, you are doing so well just getting through. I really think things will feel better soon, the feeding will get easier and you will work out systems to make your life easier. I bought a cheap mattress for our living room, it looks hideous stashed behind the sofa everyday but its allowed us to take turns sleeping and the baby doesn't wake the toddler. Also paper plates if you can get some, and a lot of TV for the toddler. This period is so short it really doesnt matter. Soon it will be spring and sunny and you can all get outside easier. I also make sure I have 15 mins a day to drink a cup of tea outside by myself (and so does my DH though he doesnt need it as much being by himself at work) - doesnt sound like much but it does wonders. Good luck today

Also there is a thread in Chat called “trapped toddler parents of 2020/2021” where a lot of the posters also have small babies too, it might be useful for support/ solidarity.

@Lostthetastefordahlias thank you. Paper plates excellent idea. Loads in cupboard from summer non bbqs.

Bad morning. Tired and weepy. Lost the plot at dh, think everyone thinks I'm useless for not coping.

Got everyone dressed, except me in Jammies, went out in snow. Someone has taken/moved toddler reins. She reacted to this by running off at speed on ice, blizzard started, I cried my eyes out. Baby then fell asleep so I popped her under door shelter and chased toddler round field with dogs.

Then we collected eggs, came in and made a huge quiche. Everyone now eating except me but I will have some when baby has a BF. Quiche in hair is ok yes?

Mattress pulled off so are bed and will sort later.

Thank you all for listening.

@pawivy who thinks you're useless? You are in no way useless. Your children are fed and dressed and have been outside. It's not even lunch time yet and you've achieved all that. You're not useless.

So you made a quiche from scratch two weeks after a csection and a RUN around outside, and everyone is eating and you’ll eat in a bit....yet you think you’re failing?!
Nah....nah you’re doing grand!

Everyone here does.

Inlaws can't understand why I'm so upset when all I have to do is care for kids.

Dh shouted at me this morning for crying again. In fairness I had shouted at him first about reins. I just keep getting told by his family this was what it was like when we had kids and we managed, there were no activities or help then. Blah blah.

Nobody here says it hard, nobody says anything nice. If baby sleeps there's something wrong as she shouldn't be content. If she doesn't sleep there's something wrong as all babies sleep. If I have a routine I should change it to be some flexible laid back person. If I don't have a routine that's terrible,,

Well you're going to have to try and ignore all the bullshit. Of course having 2 young children during a fucking pandemic is hard!!! Jesus.

I hope your DH lost his temper only in response to a stressful situation because if he really thinks you don't have the right to be upset and stressed out right now then he's an idiot.

Another person here amazed you made a quiche! That is phenomenal! I would count that as a successful day without two tiny children!

I don't know what the people around you are like and whether they are always this unsupportive. There could be loads of reasons they make these comments (they feel guilty they can't help you, they can't remember how hard it was to have a newborn, they had newborns who were easier sleepers/feeders, they feel inadequate and think they are giving you 'helpful' advice, they are just mean, unfeeling, unhelpful people etc) and you may never find out the underlying reason for their comments. Whatever their motivation it is not useful for you to dwell on their words. Now is a time to ignore anything that is not helpful and beneficial and that includes unnecessary housework, elaborate toddler entertainment and unsupportive comments. You are doing a great job and it is perfectly understandable that you are finding this time challenging. Don't waste any mental energy on them.

It makes me laugh how many people think they have done the equivalent of parenting a baby and a toddler through a pandemic because they didn't have softplays in the 1980’s its just so hard without being able to sit inside the warm with a cup of tea and have a reassuring chat with a HV/ relative/ friend and its also so hard also not to meet up with other people in the same situation - and I think some people also just forget what their own experience was really like. Can you not avoid the views of your husbands family if you cant see them? It is surely understandable for you to be too busy to keep in touch at the moment i agree with other posters, it sounds like you are doing a great job under challenging circumstances with not a lot of help available. Hope this evening/ tonight is ok and you get some sleep

Don't be fooled by the quiche. Collect eggs, break eggs, chuck ready made pastry into dish, throw contents of fridge and Xmas cheese board into dish, add eggs and bake.

I've also found and washed my next to me crib and have set it up next to sofa for tonight. I couldn't get mattress along hall and dh has a bad calving. It fits correct height which it doesn't to bed so will see.

Thank you all, talking really does help.

You aren't going to unimpress me with the quiche, I am pretty sure I would have just eaten the raw pastry wrapped around the christmas cheese! My DH would have found me standing by the fridge cramming chunks of wensleydale straight into my mouth.

Also you have done well with the crib next to the sofa. That sounds like a good solution. As long as you can put the side back up so the baby can't get stuck between the crib and sofa. Really hoping it works for you tonight and you get some more sleep!

My DH would have found me standing by the fridge cramming chunks of wensleydale straight into my mouth.

Well, that is the traditional way to eat Christmas cheese. OP's way is weird.

Yup I agree TWBAEM - no way would I have been able to get out collecting eggs in the snow with a tiny baby - and we have had far too many ready meals lately . Hope the feeding is sorting itself out a bit and you’ve had some sleep.

Things nor much better. Sleep is worse.

Feeding wise I dint understand it. Baby has had way way more than formula guidelines and is screaming hungry. Plus about 6 good feeds a day from me. I understand feed on demand but surely theres a limit? I just xant fill her. Shes taking 5oz bottles at 3 weeks old and wanting more. Shes almost hitting double what she should have. What on earth do I do.

@pawivy

Things nor much better. Sleep is worse.

Feeding wise I dint understand it. Baby has had way way more than formula guidelines and is screaming hungry. Plus about 6 good feeds a day from me. I understand feed on demand but surely theres a limit? I just xant fill her. Shes taking 5oz bottles at 3 weeks old and wanting more. Shes almost hitting double what she should have. What on earth do I do.

Seek medical advice.

I think anyone would find it hard to cope alone with a newborn, a toddler and recovering from an operation. Most people recovering from abdominal surgery have a couple of weeks in bed, not heaving around a toddler and feeding a baby. You need rest to recover. If family can't/won't help, the least they can do is stop their bitchy remarks, they sound really unkind.
Can you buy in any help? A local teenager to take the toddler out for a walk, or play with them in the house? It is allowed, falls under childcare exemption.

@TopBants do you think there is something wrong. HV has missed all appointments but I rang GP and he said feed if hungry.

[quote pawivy]@TopBants do you think there is something wrong. HV has missed all appointments but I rang GP and he said feed if hungry.[/quote]
If she's absolutely insatiable, constantly appearing to be starving despite eating well over what is considered normal, it could be an indication of a larger issue. For example (and I'm not saying this is the case for her) Prader Willi syndrome makes children physically incapable of feeling satisfied and they will constantly feel ravenous as a result. Is she gaining weight at a normal rate or very rapidly? Did you spell out for the GP how much she is consuming?

@TopBants yes I was very very clear.

It's hard to say, hV hasn't been near in two weeks. She was born, dropped four percent, back to birth by day six, gained well to ten days, last weighed then at 7.1oz. I weighed myself then us both and now is about 8.6oz and that is 1lb 5 increase in two weeks.

Nappies good, wet and poo once a day. Minimum.

Try plotting what she is now on the graph in the back of her red book. I'd do that for a few weeks and if she is rocketing up the centiles with no sign of slowing or gets above the 100th centile, I'd flag it. As it is, she's within normal range for her age, so I'd just give her what she asks for.

My daughter had the opposite with her baby. Formula fed, turns her head away and has the screaming habdabs when bottle is put by her mouth. Has to do the dummy trick to get the test in her mouth. Feeds take up to an hour. Will drink a couple of oz, then not interested and daughter had to repeat above until most of bottle is drunk. She's slowly putting on weight. Daughter finally spoke to HV who said look at the whole picture, wet nappies, pooing, bright, energetic, meeting milestones etc. Mention it to HV but try not to worry. You're one end of the spectrum and my daughter's at the other end. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong.
My daughter has had very bad anxiety since the birth, and this is her first, she's got a fantastic supportive husband, and I was at her house everyday for the first 2 months, and providing food.
You are doing a fantastic job.
All will be well

@TopBants thank you. I've read the NHS page on what you mention. None of the other symptoms tie in. Interestingly I commented when I saw her that despite being a tiny little petite girl she has huge feet. Very long fingers.

I am concerned though. Both with frequency and volume.

My only doubt gives back to the mess I have made with feeding and mixing and now I have reduced BF perhaps she was taking much more there than I ever thought.