Making such a mess of this

[pawivy]

Feeling really lonely and just wanted to get this out somewhere. Likely to be long.

I am really struggling at the moment and I'm not sure how much longer I can manage.

After fifteen years of heartache I have a two year old and a two week old. I'm getting it all wrong.

Two year old basically never slept till fourteen months, two week old going down same path probably caused by me.

Feeding

I tried to BF this time exclusively and couldn't cope with cluster and toddler. I reduced to fast and am sore and full. Baby now taking recommended daily formula plus maybe six feeds from me. Cluster feeding until maybe one, I'm getting about four hours broken sleep.

Sleep.

I'm sitting in an armchair in the kitchen, baby in and out crib or bouncer or on me, yes I know. Not good.

I'm scared to go to bed, toddler in next room and whilst now sleeps, would wake and I cannot cope with both up and tired.

DH is calving. He is getting up at four, checking shed, taking baby till seven, letting me get two hours, if no issues.

Inlaws are childcare for sil.

My parents childcare for sister.

Lockdown anxiety added on.

I've seen nobody, no HV just a call. One midwife but I had to travel to town half hour away. I had bad post natal anxiety after toddler. Mainly caused by previous losses and a fear re her health. Friends can't visit. It's snowing now as well.

Dh will soon have to go back to normal six am to eight pm hours.

I didn't think I can do it. I'm so tired. Toddler is very hard work. I'm trying to get out but it's so windy and cold. I had a section and I'm slower on ice with two of them.

At moment I get a shower first thing. How can I do that?

Toddler naps usually an hour after lunch, baby cluster feeds then.

When do I eat? Cook? Clean? Like basic level. I have three dogs, luckily well trained with a huge field but still, they need love and attention.

I feel like everyone wants me and I'm running out of what I can give.

How do I do it? Where do I start? I need to sort baby sleeping arrangements but by night I'm so bloody tired.

I have a huge square leather couch, could I cosleep on that? It's a strange object but is in kitchen.

Should I drop BF altogether?

How can I pull myself together before I end up really unwell again?

I appreciate I have caused most of this with messing up feeding and sleeping but I'm feeling really weepy tonight and I don't know what to do for the best.

@baggies yes I certainly can relate to the anxiety. Really feeling it rising again this week. I hope your daughter improves. Such a blessing but such a worry these babies.

[quote pawivy]@baggies yes I certainly can relate to the anxiety. Really feeling it rising again this week. I hope your daughter improves. Such a blessing but such a worry these babies. [/quote]
You definitely would benefit from some outside support for you. I would contact your doctor first for help with your anxiety. Then I would ask your hv if you can be referred to the peri natal team. They have been very helpful with my daughter. Be kind to yourself, have no expectations other than feeding your children and yourself, and live in the moment.

You are doing an amazing job, please don't beat yourself up any more.

DD seemed completely insatiable for milk, I struggled with BF and tried so hard but eventually gave in and mixed feeding, then soon switched to just bottles. It turns out that despite being just over 7lbs at birth, she takes after her 6'4 father, and really did need a lot of milk to keep up with her growth rate. Have you tried making up larger bottles and see when / if she will be satisfied? It might be that she's crying for another reason but if she is still feeding then she could well still be hungry.

It does also make sense to get both her and yourself checked out medically. I know it's hard getting help with the pandemic but the Midwife and HV must have a duty of care to you both. Can you call your GP and ask for a phone appointment?

NB my DD is now a strapping 18 year old with size 10 feet! She's healthy as anything, she just needed a lot of fuel to grow to her full potential. Hope you feel better soon.

@Lettitbee I did wonder about this as with those big little feet and dh is 6 4 as well.

I've left message for HV. I was quite firm and expressed my concern about being abandoned with her reception so will see what morning brings.

We don't have a peri natal team I don't think. I have referred back into counselling which I thought I might have to and that starts next Wednesday.

I did ask locally but there's nobody able to help with Dd and the added issue is family pressure not to allow anyone into farm to avoid illness before lambing.

Finally, I'm not sure if this is the correct or done thing but I messaged a mum I only know via toddler group who has five little ones. She's quite local. I asked if I could call her for a chat and did that and it was lovely to speak to a human and have a conversation about some of my worries.

She was very down to earth and made the point that although it's scary sometimes a few days by yourself actually lets things settle down. I think that's right in the sense that toddler has been better when DH is not here than when he is. She seems to revert back to old behaviour and routine when we get periods of just us and plays up when he is here. M

You've got a two year old and a two week old! First of all you're doing amazingly. You're nowhere near a routine with nightly sleep etc with the two month old. Everything is shit at the moment and feeling like you are I imagine it's horrible. Try to relax ask your partner for help if you need it. The little stuff like the house being tidy etc is not an issue right now if you've had a section and you're only 2 weeks post partum you should be recovering and doing what you can nothing more.
Toddler is fine in their room, baby in your room you in your bed! Don't worry about the little things breastfeed if you can, if it's too much switch to formula, cook if you can, if not get a micro meal or a take away, sleep as much as you can and recover it's so important and don't beat yourself up you're doing such a great job xxx

Two week old sorry. I'm tired. Xx

Op you deserve some sort of medal, you are doing marvellously. The pil situation does not sound good at all though. How bloody dare they speak to you like that? It's horrible that they are so unsupportive. Please tell me that you don't live together.

Next time in-laws say something ridiculous, I would fix them with an evil stare and say "I am still recovering from the birth, I am getting four hours broken sleep a night and my breasts are sore, perhaps you would like to see them? " (Well if they are farmers they shouldn't be that shocked 😅)

Btw when I found showering difficult, I put DD in a Moses basket on the floor of the bathroom and the sound of the running water made her fall asleep, so you may be lucky with that.

Hang in there and don't overdo it. You should still be resting not struggling on alone. You'd think one of the other adults in your house would give you a hand! Feel on your behalf tbh!

And please call the health visitor and say you need a visit. Don't be apologetic about it either!

(Not sure if HV can do visits ATM where you are, but you need some support. GP if not HV.)

@Shamefulcorners

Op you deserve some sort of medal, you are doing marvellously. The pil situation does not sound good at all though. How bloody dare they speak to you like that? It's horrible that they are so unsupportive. Please tell me that you don't live together.

Next time in-laws say something ridiculous, I would fix them with an evil stare and say "I am still recovering from the birth, I am getting four hours broken sleep a night and my breasts are sore, perhaps you would like to see them? " (Well if they are farmers they shouldn't be that shocked 😅)

Btw when I found showering difficult, I put DD in a Moses basket on the floor of the bathroom and the sound of the running water made her fall asleep, so you may be lucky with that.

Hang in there and don't overdo it. You should still be resting not struggling on alone. You'd think one of the other adults in your house would give you a hand! Feel on your behalf tbh!

And please call the health visitor and say you need a visit. Don't be apologetic about it either!

....all of this. You really need your partner supporting you.

I hope you get some support today. It does get easier! I'm 13 weeks in and am just about coming out of the fog. Used an under twelve month old support bubble to have DD (2.5) the other weekend so it was just me, DH and DS (3 months) and we blitzed the house, which made me feel so much better about life.

I know both your parents and in-laws are in childcare bubbles, but the guidance says:

'How childcare bubbles relate to other types of bubble:
A childcare bubble is different to a support bubble. Being in a childcare bubble does not stop you from forming a support bubble.

Support bubble
You might be able to form a support bubble to have close contact with another household. You have to meet certain eligibility rules to form a support bubble. Find out more about making a support bubble with another household.

You must avoid seeing members of your childcare and support bubbles at the same time, unless otherwise permitted by gatherings limits in your tier.'

www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-support-bubble-with-another-household#how-support-bubbles-relate-to-other-types-of-bubble

From this , I'd have thought that your parents or in laws could form a support bubble with you, because you have an under twelve month old, while continuing to form a childcare bubble for your nieces and nephews.