Very upset breastfeeding didn't work out

[NatalieP92]

So my son is now 1 month old. When he was born I stayed in the midwife unit for a couple of nights so that they could help me establish breastfeeding. After the 2nd night my babys jaundice levels weren't good and so they started topping him up with formula to try and flush it out. Turns out he's a very hungry baby and my milk hadn't yet come in. They started giving him more and more formula, at first from a cup but because he was taking so much they switched to a bottle. I was still trying to breastfeed him each feed. My nipples were so sore and cracked they suggested I try nipple shields once my milk had come in which I did. They midwives were lovely but I just feel they were shoving him on my boob rather than showing me how to get the latch right and so I don't think I ever did. When we got home he was taking 2.5hours to feed and settle (hour on the boob then hour taking the bottle, then a while to settle) and they had suggested I feed him every 3 hours so we were getting no sleep. They had also said for me to try and pump in between feeds! At one point I started hallucinating as I was so tired. After this I knew something had to give, and so I stopped feeding him from my boob as he would cry and fuss and just not latch or keep pulling off and it was so upsetting I just kept crying. I've now been pumping and feeding him this before his formula but now my husband has gone back to work I'm really struggling. My baby has had colic and so pretty much screams the place down lots in-between feeds, sleeps very sporadically and just is quite high maintenance in general! So I'm really struggling to pump regularly and can see that my milk supply is really dwindling the past couple of days and I just feel so so sad. I wanted to breastfeed him so badly and I am so gutted it's not worked out. I have a friend who had her son just a month before me and has taken to it fairly easily and I'm dreading seeing her when we can because I'm just so upset I couldn't do it. I feel like my body has let him down and failed him. Just really wanted some words of support and maybe to hear from any of you who have been through the same thing so I don't feel so alone. Please someone tell me it gets better, I've never cried so much in my life!

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way OP. A lot of what you’re currently feeling will be hormones, on top of exhaustion and new-mum guilt. Your baby is fed and thriving - that’s what matters. You’re doing a great job and have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about

I had a very similar story OP. I was also heartbroken. My DD would cry and cry and cry and we were forcing her on the breast. It was not good. I regret so much how much I tried to force it. I would never do it again. It really isn't for everyone and that's OK. You've given it your best shot. Your baby will grow up just as well. I know so many successful people who were not breastfed. The pressure to do it is disgusting ! My DD is nearly 1 now and she's thriving. She always has been. She's so sweet and I feel so bad for making her upset and stressed at the breast.

If I ever have another baby I'll try again, but I would give up a lot sooner.

I really feel for you. Don't forget you also have just had a baby and a massive life change and hormonal change. This will impact how you feel. Once the dust settles, you'll see that it's OK and life goes on. They'll grow up regardless and you don't have to be so hard on yourself. You tried ! I know women who categorically did not try and they were fine with that decision. They're great mums too. Breastfeeding is overrated and pushed too hard by the government - like baby led weaning.. but you have a while until you need to worry about that

I was in the same position as you OP, I plunged to the depths of despair, of which I had never reached before or since. I was told by the midwife that if my first didn’t put on any weight they would send him back to hospital - I just couldn’t face that. I pumped for 4 months for my first child and 6 months for the my second, I was fanatical about it, I became so attached to my pump I had visions of me opening the front door to people with it still attached. I did spend a lot of time pumping in between their awake times. I was so horrified that my body was Unable to do what it is meant to do. Please, please do not feel guilty - it will spoil the time with your little one. You are doing your best and that’s all anyone can ask of you and if that means giving him more formula then so be it. You are not alone, a lot of us feel like this, as terreccota says, a lot of it will be hormonal and exhaustion. You are doing a fab job - just go easy on yourself.

Hi OP,

I had my son last month and had my heart set on breastfeeding. Wanting to be a natural earth mama and all that. Sadly, he didn't take to it and we spent 4 nights in hospital as the midwives wanted to make sure we were both okay.

I felt like a massive failure and had several breakdowns while in hospital. In the end, we had to cup and then bottle feed. I tried to continue with boob, but it was only successful half the time. When he would latch, I would be incredible pain, but I felt compelled to continue.

It broke my heart when he would scream and was clearly so unhappy. I felt like I wasn't the mum he deserved and that he would hate me.

When we got home, he was due a feed and I tried boob. It didn't work out, so I had this screaming newborn and had to get a friend to come over to basically teach me how to formula feed as I was incredibly overwhelmed and freaking out. My husband practically ran to the pharmacy to get more bottles and formula. It was incredibly stressful and I was worried my son would starve.

We're now bottle feeding exclusively. I expressed a little the beginning, but my milk has dried up.

I felt awful to begin with incredible guilt and lack of worth. However, I had to get over my ego and just do what's best for him. He's putting on weight beautifully and bottle feeding means my husband can also feed him, which is a good bonding experience.

Hi OP,

It definitely gets better with time! I was so sure I would breastfeed and was absolutely distraught when I couldn't. I spent ages beating myself up over it and cried all the time - I've never felt guilt like it and that (combined with a really not to plan birth) made me feel like I'd failed as a mother.

My daughter is now three months old and she is amazing. Once you start seeing them smile and seeing them grow, the way you feed them doesn't seem to matter so much.

You sound like you tried everything you could to get on with breastfeeding. You've kept your baby thriving for a whole month now - through colic and very little sleep too. You are doing an amazing job and you really aren't alone in how you feel.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about and those feelings will go away!

I had something similar.

I really struggled so so much with breastfeeding. The hospital were really shit at supporting breastfeeding. One midwife actually told me my nipple was too big and I had to formula feed which was absolutely not true!!!

When my baby latched on it was SO painful I would dread her waking up for every feed. I was also a crying mess. My husband said his only memories of the first week was me constantly hunched over desperately trying to breastfeed. I had a csection too so I was so out of it drugged up and in pain.

My baby would also constantly cry.

She lost 13% of her birth weight and from then we topped up with formula after every feed. Looking back I feel so guilty as she was so hungry. I wish someone had said to me breastfeeding did not matter and to just feed the baby. There's so much pressure to breastfeed and so much conflicting advice. I would literally sob thinking I was a terrible mum that I couldn't do anything right and the one thing I had to do was feed my baby and I couldn't even manage that.

Luckily my husband spotted how much it was affecting my mental health and encouraged me to stop breastfeeding which is exactly what I needed as it was affecting me so much. The health visitor was the only healthcare professional that said it did not matter as long as baby was fed and that she had seen many mums have mental health issues because of breastfeeding and it just isn't worth it. That really resonated with me for some reason and made me see it in a different way. Please please don't put so much pressure on yourself. I've been there and it's not worth it and takes away the enjoyment of spending time with your baby.

Turns out she had a posterior tongue tie and a shallow latch. I asked multiple midwives to check for tongue tie and it was only diagnosed when I saw a lactation consultant

But by then I had blocked ducts and mastitis because baby wasn't draining boobs effectively and I was so out of it needing sleep to pump frequently

I also struggled when my husband went back to work to pump. I was essentially triple feeding which took up my entire day. So nursing, then bottle feeding (formulanor breast if I had enough stored) then pumping.

It really wasn't sustainable and really hard as I did this throughout the night too.

Then I went down to nursing only if I felt like it

Now 10 weeks in I'm still pumping but only 3 times a day not after every feed as it's impossible to keep up and enjoy my day/ time with the baby

It has made a huge difference and I dont feel so bad about formula feeding now. Baby gets the benefits of a bit of breastmilk and has a healthy happy mum.

If I hadn't stopped breastfeeding I feel like it would have been a slippery slope for my mental health.

Please don't beat yourself up. You're a great mum and it's not worth losing your mind over xxxx

Also got great advice from the lactation consultant who pretty much said I had a low milk supply (from baby not removing milk efficiently) and to nurse only for 10mins as the baby wouldn't have got all the milk she needed from breastfeeding anyway. I felt a bit better topping up with formula after that as no matter how long I tried for she would have been hungry still

Reading other responses and wish I had seen this at the time too!!

I thought it was just me and felt so useless and pathetic. I was so exhausted I would tell myself I'm a useless mum. It's ridiculous how much breastfeeding is pushed and nobody really says it's ok to feed in another way!!!

I remember pumping and accidentally spilling the bottle and then just weeping thinking the one thing I had to do i couldn't do properly either.

It's not worth losing yourself over x

Oh @NatalieP92, I could have written this, except that I have stupidly kept on and on, with endless advice from lactation consultants etc etc and crying every day (even self harm) for months. Baby is 5 months now and I've come to a kind of acceptance - I'm pumping 5 x a day and feeding about 50/50 formula and breast milk during the day, and she breastfeeds (badly, mostly for comfort) at night. The pumping is only possible because my partner is at home full time and I do resent that he gets to cuddle her while I'm hooked up to a stupid machine. I still find it hard to accept and cry a lot but it's better.

What I want to say is DON'T BE LIKE ME!
It's so hard in the fog of exhaustion but I really wish I'd appreciated earlier that a happy, physically and mentally healthy mum is SO much more valuable than breast milk, it really is.

That sounds really tough OP :(

Look, the way you are feeding is perfectly fine for your baby so don’t guilt trip over that. You’re doing brilliantly. Maternal mental health is important, you need to be kind to yourself so you can look after your baby. You haven’t let anyone down, it’s clear how hard you are trying.

However, if this is really important to you, it might be worth contacting a private lactation consultant and seeing if anything can be done. Even if it doesn’t work out, maybe you’ll feel more at peace for trying? I struggled so much with DS1, so when DS2 was hard, I called in a private lactation consultant ASAP and it made a huge difference.

But my mental health really suffered by stubbornly pushing through feeding DS1 and it really impacted on my mental health. Stopping at 8 months was such a relief. I swore to myself I wouldn’t put that pressure on myself again. Please don’t do that to yourself.

Also, it’s so rarely said, but establishing breastfeeding is HARD!!! Like really hard. You think it should be the most natural thing in the world but it can be stressful and painful. And yes, a lot of midwives do just shove baby’s face at your boob and hope for the best. Breastfeeding support in this country is poor, in the pandemic it’s dire. If anything, you’ve been let down x

I tried with all three of mine which for various reasons didn't work out well

DS1 was very ill in a neonatal unit for four months - I pumped every 3 hours for those four months to try to keep a supply up but inevitably it wasn't enough and we had to use formula together with fortified formula because his weight was so low. I wish someone had told me to stop earlier but i was a bit mental about it so I'm sure I wouldnt' have anyway.

DS2 got meningitis at a week old which severely interrupted my supply and so we mix fed. i was devastated at not managing sole feeding.

DS3 had a tongue tie so it didn't ever really work very well and we ended up mixed feeding.

BUT i tell you this to say I wish I had just stopped stressing over it and just accepted that not breast feeding is ok so I could have enjoyed them all a bit more without the worry and stress of trying to make it work. All of mine are well and absurdly healthy now - the way they were fed for the first few months really hasn't made any difference.

I wouldn't have listened to myself when i was in the middle of any of the stresses over the feeding but you 100% have not failed him. you are ensuring he has the right nutrition to grow. he is loved. you are doing well. please give yourself a break and look after you.

pumping really is sole destroying. hormones and exhaustion really don't help either.

There are loads of people just like us where it doesn't work out. You have done your best and gone beyond the call of duty. it's ok it really is

Thank you so much all of you for your responses, it really has helped me feel less alone. As hard as it is, hearing others have been there and come out the other side is so encouraging.

It's the hardest thing I've ever been through I genuinely would have given birth 10x over instead of feel this way! I really feel at this stage giving up is best for my family, my son is thriving and gaining weight like a champ (8lbs 2oz when we was born and 11lbs 12oz when he was last weighed on Friday!) He's a very hungry baby. My milk supply is so low I'm barely getting an ounce per pump and my baby is feeding anywhere from 4-8oz per feed sometimes!!

@username1909 thanks so muchbfor your response and telling me about your experience too. To hear how you talk about it now gives me hope that one day I'll be able to look back and feel confident that I did the right thing even if it has torn my heart to pieces!

@New2020 so sorry to hear you had such a hard time too. I spoke over the phone with a lactation consultant and they told me to get him checked for tongue tie too. I also asked 3 midwives who all said he doesn't, but my gut feeling is that he has posterior tongue tie too. I couldn't have the lactation consultant come out to see me due to covid restrictions in my area but there was most definitely something wrong with the latch as my nipple would always be seriously misshapen when he would finish feeding and the pain was just excruciating! Ialso had an experience of pumping and spilling the bottle so completely feel your pain on that one! Almost certain that's where the phrase don't cry over spilt milk must have come from! I feel totally the same about the mental health side of things, I have struggled with depression in the past and could see myself slipping back there pretty fast.

@catandbaby so sorry to hear you've also had/are having troubles. Thank you so much for your kind words, it was just what I needed to hear.

@bluejayway91 our stories sound incredibly similar. I felt exactly the same, like I wasn't good enough and that he would hate me, it really does help to feel I'm not the only one ever to have experienced this and that it seems more common than I thought for people to have troubles breastfeeding. I always knew it was going to be hard as everyone always tells you it is but I was completely unprepared for the reality that for some people it just doesn't happen.

@becLJ I genuinely feel like you have taken the words out of my head, I've felt exactly as you described you did. Thanks for letting me know these feelings will pass.

@fizzingWhizzbee123 thank you for your advice and kind words. I spoke to 2 lactation consultants as soon as I left the hospital neither were able to visit and see me face to face due tk covid unfortunately. They were both so lovely and gave me some brilliant advice (on pumping, positioning, latching, how supply is regulated etc), however once my husband went back to work it's just been virtually impossible to implement the things they suggested. I think I really needed to see someone who could spend lots of time with me to get his latch correct. It was never right and as a consequence I think I never produced anywhere near enough to satisfy him. The midwives were truly brilliant during my birth and were so kind afterwards (most of them anyway, there's always one isnt there!!) But I really do feel a little let down by them when it comes to breastfeeding. I really did not get much help in the way of understanding how it works, what a correct latch looks like etc this was all stuff I came across from speaking to the lactation consultant. I definitely think the pandemic has meant that I've had access much less support than I maybe would have had, which is sad

@raaraaboonah thank you I honestly can't say how much better all of you have made me feel. We're forever hearing breast is best and so I've felt so upset that I can't do what is 'best' for my baby. I'm glad you've said that, I've also been sad that I've not enjoyed these precious moments with him because I've just spent the majority of my time crying! Its hard to know whether stopping is the right thing to do, so to hearyou talk about how you feel about it now really helps me know I will feel better about this decision in months to come.

Breast milk is richer than formula. In my experience a baby that’s had their tummy stretched to drink large bottles of formula will never revert to being happy with a much smaller amount of richer breast milk. Once they’re on bottles they tend to stay on them.

So many midwives know fuck all about breastfeeding. The mere fact they’ve suggested you should feed every 3 hours is a red flag. You have to feed on demand at any time of day or night. Why would you pump between feeds when you could just put your baby on the breast instead? It’s normal to be pretty much constantly on the boob. There is no “between feeds”. And it’s normal to be only producing a couple of teaspoons of milk in the early days - inexperienced midwives often tell you that your milk hasn’t come in because they mistakenly think you should be producing the same amount as a bottle of formula. It’s not surprising that you felt they didn’t help you to get the latch right - they probably don’t know how.

Sorry but it just sounds like a classic case of the midwives not knowing how to breastfeed and giving the wrong advice. If you’re no longer feeding directly from the breast then I’d suggest that’s the first thing you need to change otherwise you’ll never establish a milk supply.

Have a look at feedeatspeak on Instagram - she’s amazing and it might not be too late for your breastfeeding journey to work out

OP
I have a similar story to you. Breastfeeding didn't work out with either of my 2 DC.
My biggest regret now is not that I didn't breastfeed them, but that I let my sadness over it blight my first few weeks with my precious babies.
Your DS will be absolutely fine if he is formula fed. My 2 are 9 and 6 now and are healthy and thriving - you would have no idea they weren't breastfed.
Please don't beat yourself self up over this and enjoy your little one.
Take care of yourself x

@NatalieP92 Ann Dobson travels a lot and is definitely still coming out face to face during lockdown as a key worker. She has been excellent helping me with DS2.

www.ann-dobson.co.uk/

Hi OP, me again

I just wanted to add (and I hope that this doesn't offend any pps), that if you want to follow up on the suggestions offered then of course you should, however it sounded from your post that you were looking to come to a place of acceptance about feeding and if you want to just draw a line under it now, or at any time in the future, then that's fine too.

I saw two IBCLCs. One of them said this about priorities:

1. Baby is fed
2. Parents are sane
3. Breast milk

I try to remember this when I'm feeling down about how feeding has worked out for us.

X

Oh OP I can assure you you’re not alone. I made some appalling decisions because of my total obsession with breast feeding. I developed psychosis and made myself so sleep deprived there’s no way I was in a fit state to look after a baby. Looking back I wonder why the hell I did it. Tbh I think that in the early days there’s so little you can do for baby other than feed them that in my mind feeding and mothering became the same and I didn’t feel like a real mother because I couldn’t breastfeed.
Two things that helped me hugely were identifying women I thought were brilliant mothers who fed their babies on a bottle. It made me link “good” mothering with feeding my son a bottle without guilt.
The other thing was being a bit objective and doing some proper research into the benefits of bf. Try this one for starters. fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
The benefits to the baby are huge with colostrum which you have done and if you are a woman in a third world country with no safe water or formula. The benefits of feeding beyond a few weeks for women in the U.K. are for the mother, not the baby.
Good luck op. It’s a shitty thing to go through. X

I’ve been there, OP. You could get your baby checked for tongue tie - your health visitor should be able to advise you. Or a lactation consultant could help. And you can ease your guilt by reading this sensible article: www.bpas.org/get-involved/campaigns/briefings/breastfeeding-and-formula-feeding/
Congratulations on your new baby.

Sending hugs OP, it's really hard. My first didn't latch at all and with my second, the latch went wrong at some point and I ended up in agony with two cracked nipples. The pain in my nipples was worse than the pain from my section. Support is woeful here anyway let alone in the midst of a pandemic so two FF DC it is!

I do feel guilty at times but there's actually plenty of things I like about FF (not the dry hands from the washing up though) and I've been much less upset about moving to formula this time round, probably because DD1 is healthy and hearty!

My story with DS1: struggled to breastfeed and mixed fed and gave up after 3 weeks, no more, didnt express, nothing. I hated every minute of it, never been so stressed in my life and it really affected my bond with him.

About 3 weeks later, I was cuddling DS1 and was not wearing a bra or top. He suddenly moved across my body and latched himself on.

I ended up breastfeeding him until he was 13 months. Not 100% but certainly 70/30 in favour of breast.

I can't express either. Not a drop.

If you want to stop breastfeeding, I get 100% how depressing that feels but sometimes you have to do what is right for you.

This was me 14 years ago. I posted a similar OP to yours on MN and the responses were lovely and definitely helped me. I was able to see I was let down by a lack of good support, but the posters also acknowledged it was ok to feel sad that it didn’t work out like I wanted. You’ll absolutely move on and heal from this in your own time.

Hey there. I'm going to buck the trend here (although what others are saying is absolutely right, if you want to stop don't feel bad about it!) and suggest you seek support as a matter of urgency. The advice to bottle feed initially wasn't massively supportive or helpful and now you have kind of got into a downward supply spiral. This story can have a different ending if you are able to get the support you need. You are only one month post partum, it's not too late if you don't want to quit. Sending lots of well wishes xxxx