Very upset breastfeeding didn't work out

[NatalieP92]

So my son is now 1 month old. When he was born I stayed in the midwife unit for a couple of nights so that they could help me establish breastfeeding. After the 2nd night my babys jaundice levels weren't good and so they started topping him up with formula to try and flush it out. Turns out he's a very hungry baby and my milk hadn't yet come in. They started giving him more and more formula, at first from a cup but because he was taking so much they switched to a bottle. I was still trying to breastfeed him each feed. My nipples were so sore and cracked they suggested I try nipple shields once my milk had come in which I did. They midwives were lovely but I just feel they were shoving him on my boob rather than showing me how to get the latch right and so I don't think I ever did. When we got home he was taking 2.5hours to feed and settle (hour on the boob then hour taking the bottle, then a while to settle) and they had suggested I feed him every 3 hours so we were getting no sleep. They had also said for me to try and pump in between feeds! At one point I started hallucinating as I was so tired. After this I knew something had to give, and so I stopped feeding him from my boob as he would cry and fuss and just not latch or keep pulling off and it was so upsetting I just kept crying. I've now been pumping and feeding him this before his formula but now my husband has gone back to work I'm really struggling. My baby has had colic and so pretty much screams the place down lots in-between feeds, sleeps very sporadically and just is quite high maintenance in general! So I'm really struggling to pump regularly and can see that my milk supply is really dwindling the past couple of days and I just feel so so sad. I wanted to breastfeed him so badly and I am so gutted it's not worked out. I have a friend who had her son just a month before me and has taken to it fairly easily and I'm dreading seeing her when we can because I'm just so upset I couldn't do it. I feel like my body has let him down and failed him. Just really wanted some words of support and maybe to hear from any of you who have been through the same thing so I don't feel so alone. Please someone tell me it gets better, I've never cried so much in my life!

I must say some of the posts here have definitely made me think should I carry on and that I might regret it if I stop. I just don't know what is best and my mental health is definitely suffering so much. My husband is very supportive but I know he wants me to stop because he's been getting upset himself with how much I'm crying and that he doesn't know what to do to make it better. I just don't know what the answer is I feel so broken!

You are having such a hard time . The first couple of months are by far the hardest in terms of physical exhaustion and trying to get feeding established, whether breast or bottle. My first 2 both struggled with weight gain. I toppes up no 1 and pumped - pretty similar to what you describe and it was just brutal. I have three thoughts. First, can you just go back to bed with no top on and baby in just a nappy, Netflix and a cuppa and have a babymoon with lots of cuddles and skin to skin. It should help get your milk running. Secondly, LA leche league are running online if you want help. And thirdly you will also be fine if you just feed him yourself once or twice a day and the rest formula if that's what you decide or just formula. You could just not bother with the pumping at all. And you could also just move to only formula. Babies are born every day an ld never breastfed and are absolutely wonderful, perfect Babies, just like their breastfed counterparts. You have not failed. This is just something that sometimes doesn't pan out how we plan. Right now, you need to be able to get through the day. It is soooo tough having a tiny baby. Xx

Ds1 was crap at breastfeeding ended up jaundiced and lost 10% of his hefty birthweight so by 3 weeks I was really struggling with sore nipples, failure to pump anything and no sleep.
Switched to bottles and he took to it so much better.
I can now see that it was part of his personality to eat to live rather than live to eat. Breastfeeding was too much effort so he just couldn't be bothered even to the detriment of his health. A free flowing bottle was easier for the lazy so and so to manage so he thrived.
When he was a teen I once found a pot noodle sitting full of cold water and asked what was the problem. Couldn't find a clean fork so he gave up!
He's now in his 20s and is a skinny 6 foot and sometimes forgets to eat.
When DS2 was born he was much better at it and we made it to 4 months, but although it put to rest those feelings of failure I never really liked the process and stopped a month or two earlier than I needed to in terms of going back to work. He too is a skinny 6 foot plus and you wouldn't be able to tell which had bottle and which had breast milk.
In fact DS2 is the one with asthma which is supposed to be less likely if breastfed.

OP if you're on Facebook join Breastfeeding Younger Babies and Beyond- so much good advice there. Speak to your HV and ask to be referred to your local infant feeding team - mine were bloody amazing and are a huge reason why I was able to keep breastfeeding. It sounds like you've tried really hard- if you do decide to stop please still feel proud of yourself, you really should.

I went through hell to get my baby breastfeeding after terrible problems with pain, poor advice and underfeeding. Baby was underweight, I was advised to give formula at 8 weeks. I "succeeded" in improving my milk supply, yes it ws a "success" and I turned things around and fed him for 10 months. But the truth is I will never forget the pain of hearing that he had in fact been hungry and not suffering from colic, and the moment when he smiled contentedly after he had a full feed of formula after crying for so many weeks. It was v traumatic and I wish in a way I had realised that breastfeeding isn't the only way to show how passionately you love your baby.
My cousin's first baby refused to latch and is now brilliant at everything sport music maths history, her second latched perfectly and is a dreamy painter, her third was an attachment style breastfed co sleeper equally brainy and artistic. All grownup now and absolutely no difference to how they turned out formula or breadt I would say except the mum equally enjoyed all three babies from start.

But seek proper counselling I did and it ws the difference between feeling angry and "broken" and feeling that I had been through a journey that had been beyond my control, grieve, and find acceptance and ultimately incredible delight and pleasure in being a new mum

Btw he was an IVF baby, and a caesarian after bad induction...I felt breastfeeding was a chance to rebuild my sense of myself as a "real" mother, but of course I didn't need to that, I was a Real Mother whether I breastfed or not.

I had a similar thread last year when DS was born and for various medical reasons I couldn't breastfeed him. I managed to pump until 6 months and top up with formula but I was devastated. I would end up pumping (using both hands) while my baby sat crying and I couldn't hold him as I was pumping. As soon as I finished I would wash up the bottles, let them air dry and then pump again. It was ridiculous and my supply never got up to the amount it should have if I was nursing a baby.

That was all 4/5 months ago now and I honestly don't think about it at all. Can't believe I wasted so much time so upset and guilty about it, it really truly only matters that they are loved and fed (in whatever way works)

Tickly does give excellent advice though. That was exactly how I turned things around, babymoon, no pump, demand feeding every two hours, baby close by in bed with me. And mixed feeding twice a day with extra formula.

If you want to carry on I’d see a IBCLC - Lucy Webber and Lucy Ruddle have great pages on Facebook. It’s not too late. I’d want checking for tongue tie, and check positioning and latch. They can do you a feeding plan etc to get off the bottle eventually. Obviously only if you want to!
Shame you haven’t been supported, the NHS is just over stretched and sometimes the easiest option for staff is to go to formula when they should be doing all they can to get you breastfeeding if that’s what you wanted to do x

Sounds as though you have had poor advice and shit professional support
If you want to continue to try to breast feed get your little one checked for tongue tie posterior or anterior
Get some proper - ie non midwife help as loads are not great with breastfeeding - from a breastfeeding support group, or a lactation consultant

• experiment with latch one tongue tie has been assessed
• don’t pump all the time just out your baby on the breast
• prolactin is higher at certain times of the day so this affects pumping output if you decide to express a bit. I used to express at 2am and got loads more

One month postpartum is still very early days so there is a chance to address some of this and continue in some way your breastfeeding journey

If you want to

But nobody will think less of you and not should you let them

Incidentally my second child lost 15% birthweight and I was lucky enough to have an exceptional midwife who spent hours with me helping with latch and getting her tongue tie cut twice. My Daugherty wouldn’t take W bottle at all she cluster fed until I thought I would lose my mind then bam it changes and she fed like a pro. It took three weeks to get over and above her birthweight.

Congratulations on your baby and please do what is best for you.

I’m afraid I disagree @Hatscats
I don’t think they should be doing all they can to get you breastfeeding. It isn’t always best.
I was desperate to breastfeed. The MW were totally obsessed with me not giving formula. I don’t think this was right for me or my baby. I think we’d both be vastly better off if I had the advice I later got which was a firm shake and being told “it’s not working” from a nurse. I don’t see why the nhs staff should push it so hard when in cases like mine (and possibly the ops) there is a mother in severe pain and ill due to attempts to bf and an undernourished baby.
My experience was that a mothers wish to breastfeed trumped my babies wish to be fed. Looking back I can see clearly how mentally unwell I was and I’m gobsmacked that healthcare professionals let it carry on for so long despite the detriment to my baby.

Thanks again for all the replies. He doesnt latch without a nipple shield and even with one the pain is beyond excruciating. He screams and screams and it makes us both so upset. I feel in a catch 22, continue to try in the hope it will get better but most likely keep getting us upset or to stop but be devastated about it and always feel I didnt try hard/long enough.

With that sort of pain, and such a poor latch I would consider giving up unless someone can genuinely show you how to achieve a pain free latch. I saw a breastfeeding counsellor who basically corrected the way the baby was latching, he wasn't sucking properly at all and using me like a straw, no mouthful or opening wide, his lip was turned in all the time. Excrutiating no wonder I wasn't making any milk.
The babymoon only worked once he was correctly latched and opening his mouth wide enough.

You're going through the toughest time at the moment. The 1st 6 to 8 weeks of breastfeeding are hell. What a lot of people dont tell you is that pumps dont stimulate milk production in the same way that a babys suckle does, and also you're not releasing as much oxytocin because you're hooked up to a machine feeling like a cow, rather than cuddling your precious baby.

Milk supply reduces when:
You're tired
You're stressed
You're low on nutrients
You're not getting enough to eat
And obviously when you reduce feeding.

It can be a vicious circle because breastfeeding is tiring in itself because it is taking nutrients out of your body, and its difficult to relax when their latch feels like being stabbed with a thousand pins.

If you dont want to throw in the towel just yet, you could try
Staying on your pregnancy vitamins
Taking extra iron supplement in a gentle form
Do as a PP said and try staying in bed with baby for a few days
Slather on a good nipple balm after every feed. Weleda nipple balm is brilliant and if you've got Amazon prime you can get it next day
Try nipple shields for a week or two to give your nipples a chance to heal
If you have access to a homeopath, silica 6c helped my cracked and bleeding nipples to heal in less than a week
And this sounds contradictory but try getting your OH to give baby formula for the last feed. This gives you a chance to get an early night and several hours unbroken sleep (you'll feel like a different person!) and apparently it takes longer to digest that breastmilk so baby is likely to go longer before she wakes for her night feed. My DS definitely slept for longer when I gave him formula at night. If you get more sleep then problems dont seem so insurmountable as when you're going round in a zombie haze!

Either way, go easy on yourself, and remember in 20 years time, nobody will be able to tell whether baby was BF or FF. Hugs xx

You have tried, incredibly hard, you should not feel devastated, but relieved that you can move forward and enjoy feeding again, in a way that the baby finds close and nurturing.

@Nettleskeins

With that sort of pain, and such a poor latch I would consider giving up unless someone can genuinely show you how to achieve a pain free latch. I saw a breastfeeding counsellor who basically corrected the way the baby was latching, he wasn't sucking properly at all and using me like a straw, no mouthful or opening wide, his lip was turned in all the time. Excrutiating no wonder I wasn't making any milk. The babymoon only worked once he was correctly latched and opening his mouth wide enough.

This is very true but ruling out an anterior or posterior tongue tie is critical

@NatalieP92 has he been checked for both!
Sometimes if you are unlucky then can fuse again too.

I would get it checked

Also nursing tea and fenugreek supplements may help

Sometime women think their supply is low when it isn’t
Kelly mom is really useful source of advice etc here’s a relevant article

kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/supply-worries/low-supply/

Honestly OP I don't think it's down to the pandemic. Unfortunately the frontline NHS support for breastfeeding is inadequate. Your experience with the IBCLCs vs the NHS support is sadly typical.

Breastfeeding in the UK is extremely hard with many many things stacked against new mums. You did absolutely brilliantly to get as far as you did! You can let it go now. Your baby will be OK. I bet he's perfect.

Have you ever come across the NCT "Reasons to be proud" poster? It lists benefits of breastmilk over different durations. This is what is lists for you:

First Feed
Helps to stabilise baby’s blood sugars and protect baby’s gut

1 Day
The antibodies in mother’s colostrum provide natural immunity from infection

2-3 Days
Sticky black meconium is cleared more readily from baby’s
bowel

4 Weeks
Lower risk factors for heart disease in later life

Never ever feel that you failed

Also, wrt pumping, my birth went horribly wrong and I ended up in hospital with sepsis for the 1st 2 weeks. I pumped and dumped because I wanted to carry on BFing once I was off the medication. It was really worrying because I was only pumping 3x a day and I wasnt producing anything like the amount of formula he was drinking. He was a very greedy baby!!
He was 3 weeks old by the time I tried breastfeeding him again, having pumped only 3x a day in hospital. Once he figured out how to latch again, within 2 days I was BFing exclusively with no formula top ups. I was amazed as I didn't think I was producing anything like enough.

Your baby is under 1, so you can form a support bubble. Do you have anyone who can come round and look after you during the day, so you can concentrate on you and baby? Ideally someone who has done it before.

I was forced to stop BF at 5 weeks because my milk dried up. It was actually related to a medication issue and it really highlighted the lack of knowledge in midwives and breast support people who were basically telling me I needed to do more. My GP told me eventually I should never have even been BF or should have mixed fed.
By this stage though I hadn’t slept in a week, DD was starving. I cried when I gave her the first bottle.
12 years later it doesn’t seem as important.

No matter how much you want to breastfeed some woman do not produce enough milk for their child and if a baby is jaundiced it is harder to establish breastfeeding. The most important thing is that your baby gets sufficient milk and thrives. Don't feel guilty for feeding formula to your baby because you are helping her to thrive. Once your hormones settle you will feel better. Don't let this stop you enjoying your baby. I had three children and found I had more milk with each pregnancy. You may be able to feed another baby if you have another.

You should not be feeling pain with a nipple shield, that’s not normal. I’ve had to use shields with both mine and had some very sore nipples before, but the shields were a huge relief. I would definitely be getting tongue tie explored again.

Look, you absolutely do not have to breastfeed. If you are trying to come to terms with not breastfeeding, then please know - IT IS OK. It really is.

However if you do want to try and aren’t ready to give up, you need to act now while you still have some milk.

Please, give Ann a call (I linked to her website earlier). She gave me some brilliant advice over the phone, no strings, no charge. She’s very pragmatic and will be honest about what can be done now. She is also qualified to assess and divide tongue ties (she cut DS2’s for us when he was a week old) and she also does cranial therapy which I was a total sceptic in until I saw the results. She has been worth every penny. Please just give her a call and see what she thinks. She’s very experienced and if anyone can help you get feeding again (if that’s what you want), I’m sure Ann can.

Going back to the tongue tie, even if you don’t try to breastfeed again, I’d still get this checked. The pain with nipple shields doesn’t sound right (I assume you have slapped a load of Lansinoh cream on to help heal?). It’s a minor procedure in young babies but far more complicated in an older child, so best addressed now if there’s a problem.

@NatalieP92

So my son is now 1 month old. When he was born I stayed in the midwife unit for a couple of nights so that they could help me establish breastfeeding. After the 2nd night my babys jaundice levels weren't good and so they started topping him up with formula to try and flush it out. Turns out he's a very hungry baby and my milk hadn't yet come in. They started giving him more and more formula, at first from a cup but because he was taking so much they switched to a bottle. I was still trying to breastfeed him each feed. My nipples were so sore and cracked they suggested I try nipple shields once my milk had come in which I did. They midwives were lovely but I just feel they were shoving him on my boob rather than showing me how to get the latch right and so I don't think I ever did. When we got home he was taking 2.5hours to feed and settle (hour on the boob then hour taking the bottle, then a while to settle) and they had suggested I feed him every 3 hours so we were getting no sleep. They had also said for me to try and pump in between feeds! At one point I started hallucinating as I was so tired. After this I knew something had to give, and so I stopped feeding him from my boob as he would cry and fuss and just not latch or keep pulling off and it was so upsetting I just kept crying. I've now been pumping and feeding him this before his formula but now my husband has gone back to work I'm really struggling. My baby has had colic and so pretty much screams the place down lots in-between feeds, sleeps very sporadically and just is quite high maintenance in general! So I'm really struggling to pump regularly and can see that my milk supply is really dwindling the past couple of days and I just feel so so sad. I wanted to breastfeed him so badly and I am so gutted it's not worked out. I have a friend who had her son just a month before me and has taken to it fairly easily and I'm dreading seeing her when we can because I'm just so upset I couldn't do it. I feel like my body has let him down and failed him. Just really wanted some words of support and maybe to hear from any of you who have been through the same thing so I don't feel so alone. Please someone tell me it gets better, I've never cried so much in my life!

So sorry to hear you're struggling. I had a very similar experience with my first son. I had a complication after giving birth that meant I was in surgery after he was born so the midwife cup fed him formula. I lost a lot of blood so my breast milk didn't come in straight away and I was given very little support. I was told to try breast feeding for 30 mins, then bottle feed and then express. The Midwife’s said to feed him every 3 hours even if he didn't wake as he was premature with jaundice. The whole feeding process took about 3 hours so I never slept! It later turned out he also had a tongue tie but even having it snipped didn't help and he would scream the place down if I tried to breast feed him. I was distraught and felt such a failure. I remember during a home visit a few weeks after the birth a midwife gave me some literature including an NHS leaflet on why breast was best and after she left I just sobbed for hours. My husband was very good and said he would support me whatever I wanted to do, but later on he told me he was desperate for me to stop as it was making me so miserable and he loved bottle feeding our son. Long story short I carried on expressing for 3 months until I finally gave up and went over to complete formula. In hindsight I regret trying for so long. It made me miserable and I barely left the house as I was always expressing and didn't feel comfortable doing it in public. Friends tried to tell me that as long as he was feeding it didn't matter how I did it, and that I shouldn't focus so much energy on breast feeding as come 6 months he'd be weaning so it would feel less important. One friend also pointed out that that no-one looks at kids in the playground and can tell which ones were breast fed and which bottle fed, and it was a tiny proportion of their life I was obsessing about. The relief when I finally accepted the situation and gave up was immense, and I regretted not doing it sooner. My son is now four, tall for his age and very boisterous and I doubt anyone gives any thought to how he was fed as a baby! I had my second son 3 months ago and after a very difficult pregnancy I decided was just going to bottle feed as this is what I felt confident doing. My husband was delighted as he wanted to help feed our second son like he had with our first. I know it's difficult when you're in the mist of it, especially as you're very tired but try to stop beating yourself up over it. You tried, it didn't work out but that's not your fault. Your baby won't care as long as you love and care for him. Also embrace the advantages of bottle feeding. As I found out sharing night feeds means you get more sleep, and during the day you can sleep if someone else is around to feed him. Sending virtual hugs as motherhood is hard x

I agree that it sounds very much like a posterior tie. Most midwives are not able to identify them, and even if they can many are ill-informed. It’s a shame because division is such a simple procedure.

Your description of crushed nipples and wincing at the pain of latching takes me right back, to 7 years ago. My baby had a tight posterior tie, and all that goes with it. My nipple was often white and triangular after a feed, and was purple and bruised the rest of the time. It caused a massive over supply, and issues with a forceful letdown.

I did manage to breastfeed him, after waiting 6 weeks for a tt division but it was blood hard work. It was probably the right choice for me, but I’m not sure I would encourage anyone else to do the same.

I am sorry that you have suffered from such shitty breastfeeding support. It is a real issue in this country. Know this: every drop you manage to give him is precious and important. But please be kind to yourself.

Forgot to say both my sons had colic. My second one is just coming out of it at 3 months. It does get better but the first few months are the hardest so hang in there! x