Very upset breastfeeding didn't work out

[NatalieP92]

So my son is now 1 month old. When he was born I stayed in the midwife unit for a couple of nights so that they could help me establish breastfeeding. After the 2nd night my babys jaundice levels weren't good and so they started topping him up with formula to try and flush it out. Turns out he's a very hungry baby and my milk hadn't yet come in. They started giving him more and more formula, at first from a cup but because he was taking so much they switched to a bottle. I was still trying to breastfeed him each feed. My nipples were so sore and cracked they suggested I try nipple shields once my milk had come in which I did. They midwives were lovely but I just feel they were shoving him on my boob rather than showing me how to get the latch right and so I don't think I ever did. When we got home he was taking 2.5hours to feed and settle (hour on the boob then hour taking the bottle, then a while to settle) and they had suggested I feed him every 3 hours so we were getting no sleep. They had also said for me to try and pump in between feeds! At one point I started hallucinating as I was so tired. After this I knew something had to give, and so I stopped feeding him from my boob as he would cry and fuss and just not latch or keep pulling off and it was so upsetting I just kept crying. I've now been pumping and feeding him this before his formula but now my husband has gone back to work I'm really struggling. My baby has had colic and so pretty much screams the place down lots in-between feeds, sleeps very sporadically and just is quite high maintenance in general! So I'm really struggling to pump regularly and can see that my milk supply is really dwindling the past couple of days and I just feel so so sad. I wanted to breastfeed him so badly and I am so gutted it's not worked out. I have a friend who had her son just a month before me and has taken to it fairly easily and I'm dreading seeing her when we can because I'm just so upset I couldn't do it. I feel like my body has let him down and failed him. Just really wanted some words of support and maybe to hear from any of you who have been through the same thing so I don't feel so alone. Please someone tell me it gets better, I've never cried so much in my life!

@NatalieP92 - I promise it will get better.

I didn’t manage to breastfeed any of my three sons - ds2 ended up in hospital, with the staff muttering ‘failure to thrive’ because he lost 10oz off his birthweight, and hadn’t regained it by 6 weeks old. They didn’t let him out until I agreed to start supplementing with formula, even though I knew that would spell the end of breastfeeding.

Ds1 was on formula at days old, because he had jaundice, and I was told he needed the extra calories - and once his bilirubin was normal again, and we were discharged, I wasn’t able to re-establish breastfeeding.

With ds3, I mixed-fed from very early on - breast milk during the day, a bottle last thing at night and one during the night when he woke - but even then, he wasn’t gaining weight very fast (in fact, he didn’t gain at all unless he had at least two bottles of formula), and by 12 weeks old, he was fully formula fed.

I can remember feeling the way you are feeling - I beat myself up for ‘failing’ at breastfeeding for years - but I was wrong. Breastfeeding is a very good start for a baby, but it is only one of the many amazing things you can do for your child’s health and well being. You can wean them using home made food - I used to purée all sorts of fruit and proteins for ds1 - I froze them in cubes, and each meal was a variety of different things. I didn’t do this so much with the younger two, but I was cooking meals for ds1 that could be puréed for the younger ones. You encourage lots of activity and exercise, you read to them and do creative crafts, and play games. You help them with schoolwork, and encourage them to make friends.

And, if I am honest, you also let them watch TV and play video games, or turf them out into the garden whilst you have a coffee and a sneaky biscuit without sharing it. You don’t have to be perfect - none of us can be perfect, and trying to achieve perfection will drive a person insane.

Formula is not dreadful - I raised three boys on it, and they are all fit, healthy, happy, intelligent men now. I did my best, as a parent, and I am 100% sure you will do your best too - and it will be enough.

I used to worry that, because I wasn’t particularly good at encouraging the boys to paint and draw, they would fail every single exam they ever took and would amount to nothing - and nothing would have been further from the truth. Worrying is part and parcel of being a mum, but it is important not to let the worries take over. When they are grown up, you look back at all the things you worried about, and you see that they aren’t the major worry you thought they were.

All of which is a very long winded way of saying you are NOT a failure for not breastfeeding, you are a wonderful mum, and your lovely baby will be completely fine.

Op I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this,. I've given birth 5 months ago and really tried my best to breastfeed, baby wasn't latching on properly which caused me sore nipples. I went to see a midwife who wasn't very helpful either. I bought two breast pumps a manual and electrical, the days of pumping just to get a little bit of milk were not very good for my mental health. It made me so anxious, I decided to use formula after a month of trying so hard.

Once my pump was away I was alot happier, I tried my best and that's all we can do in life. I hope you feel better soon and do what's best for you.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. I had twins, I couldn't manage it for more than 6 weeks.They are 19 now and there is zero difference between them and their peers. In fact writing that I have no idea who of their peers were BF or bottles fed. Dont worry, do things your way, its the nest way x

Hi Op,

I had an awful experience with DD1 when it came to feeding. Before she was born I attended o many classes about breastfeeding, the hospital she was born in had a specialist breastfeeding unit who I met before I gave birth etc. I was so confident and so sure the only way was breastfeeding.When she was born she just wouldn't latch. They kept me in for 2 days , I had the breastfeeding specialist there to help me to help her latch which did work initially but when we got home she just couldn't latch on her own. I spent the first week of her life crying at every feed trying to get her to latch, she screamed pretty much all day . I pumped and spoon fed her milk. I dreamed about my husband buying formula and cried when I woke up and it wasn't real. At her week weight in she had lost 16% of her weight and we had to be admitted to hospital. She was so weak she wouldn't even take a bottle and had to be tube fed , she had a cannula and drip . It was horrific. Eventually they worked out she had an extremely bad tongue tie and after a week in hospital we were allowed home and I formula fed after that but still felt guilty . Googling ingredients in formula and feeling like a failure. That stopped after about a week when I realised how much happier she was and how much happier I was. She is a super happy , clever and kind 3 year old now. Her baby sister was formula fed from birth. I couldn't face going through even one minute of feeling like I starved her like her sister .
The point is , you can plan to do everything right but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way and there is no shame in going down an alternative route. Like PP have said , no one can tell how your baby was fed when they grow up!
Whatever decision you make , you need to think of yourself as well as your baby .

Doctors and midwives are woefully unskilled and ignorant about breastfeeding. Like you, my baby could not latch without nipple shields before one month. Then once she was latching without the shield she could not extract milk efficiently and my nipple came out blanched and squashed.

I too endured midwives squishing my breasts and pushing my baby onto me.
My GP insisted that DD did not have a tongue tie. She did not have a classic, anterior tongue tie but a good IBCLC qualified to assess such things confirmed that she had a mid tongue and lip tie and they were effecting the function of her tongue. I had these revised and baby could suddenly open wide and latch properly. I also saw a chiropractor who addressed the stiffness in DD’s neck which really helped as well. I believe cranial osteopaths are very helpful too.

If you really want to breastfeed there is good help out there but you will probably have to pay for it yourself. With regards to your supply, put baby to the breast as often as possible, even if you don’t think you have any milk left, as they will stimulate future milk production. If you want to switch to FFing that is absolutely fine too, but it sounds like BFing is important to you and you may struggle to come to terms with not achieving your goal if you give up now.

I can never understand why women out themselves through this kind of torture, and beat themselves with a big guilt stick when there's a perfectly good solution. Both my kids were formula fed. Gave breast feeding a go with my first. No one gave me any advice or help so I gave up and gave him a bottle after a day, with the second I didn't even try. Both are big, healthy, thriving boys. They don't get ill more than any other children, both fit and healthy. Dont feel the slightest but of guilt.
Pregnant with my third now, decided to give it a try again, but honestly, just reading the stories on here I'm considering not bothering. I'll probably give it a go but I've got all the stuff there, ready to bottle feed it will make no difference.

Sorry to hear this OP and I had a similar situation recently. I tried really hard to breastfeed but my baby struggled to latch properly and wasn't feeding effectively, which meant I was constantly having to pump and top up too. It turned out she had a tongue tie which we had revised but it wasn't the miracle cure I was hoping for. I tried to seek as much help as I could but it's a bit limited at the moment and I found myself getting increasingly frustrated and upset. I was constantly in tears trying to feed and was starting to resent my baby a bit and dread feeds. I kept telling myself I'd continue for another week, and so on. Eventually, when I was trying to express and my baby was starting to cry, I realised it was taking me away from time with her and I needed to stop for hers and my sake. That was a few weeks ago and it's been a bit emotional. I feel sad it didn't work out but I think it was the right decision for us all round. You need to think about yourself too - and you being relaxed and happy is more important to your baby than breastfeeding. I found it helpful to read some research on breast v formula too, including a BBC article on whether breast is best. It helped me feel reassured I wasn't failing my baby by stopping. It is hard but sometimes it doesn't work and that's ok - your baby will be absolutely fine! Mine is thriving on formula now and I'm generally more relaxed and happy.

Firstly, huge congratulations on the arrival of your little one. 😊 Just wanted to add another empathic voice as I could have written your post almost word for word 3 years ago when my DS was born. I spent about 2.5 months seeking support everywhere- weekly LLL meetings and NHS breastfeeding clinics, checks for tongue tie, plus a very expensive cranial osteopath who did nothing that helped either! After that I resigned myself to exclusively expressing and formula top ups when needed, and whilst in some ways I felt relieved to have taken the pressure (and pain!) of trying to breastfeed away, I still felt awful. I felt really low about it all and cried most days, for the same reasons you describe- of feeling like I wasn't doing what was best for my child, feeling like a failiure as a mum and like my son deserved better than me. My in-laws used to take the mick out of the noise my pump made and started calling me "daisy" as a reference to me being like a milking cow. I don't think for a second they meant it maliciously but it broke me, especially as my sister-in-law was happily breastfeeding her daughter at the same time. My only "saving grace" was that it emerged that one of the mums in my antenatal classes had the same difficulties so we quickly became good friends and bonded through it. We'd go to eachother's houses for "pump parties" where we could just sit with a cuppa and not feel weird having to get the pumps/bottles and medela bras out. Without her I don't know how long I'd have kept expressing for as it was bloody lonely to feel like I was the only one with problems.

In the end I kept expressing for a full year (mainly out of guilt and self-imposed pressure as I really didn't enjoy it). Three years on and I'm now pregnant with DC2 and have already been clear that if breastfeeding doesn't work for me again I'm literally expressing for a few weeks so that they get colostrum but then will be very open to switching to formula. As other mums here have said, over time it doesn't feel as all-consuming and overwhelmingly sad (and as a first time mum it's only natural for you to feel as you do in the situation you're in!) I'm really sorry you're going through this, and for what it's worth I'd say if you want to keep trying to establish breastfeeding then do, if you want to keep expressing then do, but also try and show yourself some compassion if the time comes when you decide that formula is the way to go. Fed really is best and what I learnt was that what I think actually had the biggest negative impact on my ability to bond with my newborn was the pressure to breastfeed. X

It’s 100% not too late to breastfeed. Evening breastfeeding exclusively. Your beginning sounds exactly like mine! We ended up doing boob and formula for about 8 weeks. He’s now 4 months and ebf. I really had a breakdown about not being able to breastfeed it just took over everything to the point where I couldn’t enjoy my baby. Just because you’re supplementing with a bit of formula now does not mean it’s always going to be that way! This is just something that you’re doing for the time being so that he’s getting everything he needs. My boy also hit very colicky and was diagnosed with reflux. I found that it is so so important to burp them... the midwife at the hospital said I didn’t need to... madness !

I recommend visiting your local I can’t feeding team! They are so helpful and if you can please get a lactation consultant to come over for a home visit. If you’re based in London I could recommend you some!

This is so so common, really don’t worry! And just remember that having formula now doesn’t mean having formula forever xx

Many years ago my midwife called and found me on my hands and knees crying because I could not feed my baby . I had cracked bleeding nipples and was in agony . She told me to put the baby on a bottle immediately and never let myself get in such a state again. She said as long as baby is thriving it did not matter how he was fed . He is now a 6’2” very fit young man. Just do whatever you need and enjoy your baby. Society should not make us feel guilty x

My boy is 10 months, when he was born I hand expressed colostrum for him because he wouldn’t latch. My nipples are quite small and I got such mixed messages, some midwifes blaming this and others saying that babies will latch regardless of size, it’s just about getting the right angle etc.

By day 2 in the hospital babies demand had already shot up and the hand expressed amounts weren’t cutting it; so we ended up giving him some formula as per the hospital. They wouldn’t let us leave until they’d seen that we would give him formula.

I then pumped and we combi fed for the following month until it all became too much and he became exclusively formula fed. I felt awful.

The midwife had been round a few times and helped with latch, and when she did he would latch on and stay there for longer than worn me alone, so I know that it would have been possible with more support. I regret stopping all the time, however my boy is 10 months now and absolutely thriving. Baby needs to eat, and you do what you can do. Try not to beat yourself up about it! What would have been worse would have been starving baby of formula to force breastfeed if it just wasn’t happening.

@doireallyneedaname this is going to sound a little aggressive and I don't mean it to but I often read things like you just said 'they wouldn't let us leave', tell me what exactly they could have done to stop you? We have to start empowering women more and get across the message that we aren't just pawns to be bossed about by medical professionals etc. I'm really sorry you had that experience, you should have recieved proper breastfeeding support not awful antiquated 'advice'.

If you do want to keep trying... look up Lucy Ruddle on facebook. She is a lactation consultant who specialises in relactation x

OP, when your baby grows up - hell, even by the time they start school - the least important thing about them will be how they were fed as a baby!
My generation (boomers) were majority bottle fed, and we’re the healthiest, longest lived generation in history.
You are not a failure as a mum, and you really need to put all that behind you and start enjoying your baby. That includes enjoying the closeness of cuddling while giving a bottle. And letting dad enjoy giving a bottle too, and sharing the night feeds. Breast feeding is nice when it works but not in the least essential. And certainly not worth getting upset over for a single moment!
Chin up, OP. Carry on being the great mum that you are.

Well, it was evening and we were told we could be discharged. Baby was very disgruntled and (we now know) hungry. The midwife that had been caring for us had conveniently gone on her one hour break as soon as she’d trotted off to get the paperwork signed for discharged. I actually walked around the ward several times trying to find someone and I was told repeatedly that the midwife had gone on her break and when she came back we’d get everything sorted. Then, conveniently, the head midwife appeared by our bed and said “aww, shall we get this hungry baby fed then? I’ll get him some formula.”

I am sure someone else could have discharged us and I am sure they were waiting to physically see us feed the baby formula. They have a duty of care after all; but it wasn’t a pleasant experience as I’d been induced and that was day 5 of being in hospital.

I felt exactly the same with my first baby. I had my heart set on breastfeeding but it just didn’t work out for us, I ended up expressing for a few months which I found completely depressing and restrictive so we moved to formula which broke my heart! I know it feels like a huge deal right now but honestly how your baby is fed really is so unimportant as long as they are being fed and are thriving. Please don’t waste this special time being upset x

I have to say I totally agree with @Iminaglasscaseofemotion literally nobody cares how a baby was fed once they're a few months old, the conversation has moved on. Do whatever is easiest. I did combined feeding until I got fed up of the chaos of breastfeeding and switched to full formula at two months. Perfect, my daughter slept so much better, and I was able to make sure she'd had all her nutritional needs met for the day. It seems to be making you miserable, switch to formula and enjoy your baby 😉