I've been lurking around these forums for a while now, but this is the first time I've ever posted. I have nobody to talk to in real life and feel like I'm about to explode.
I'm 31 and my life is a mess. I have done absolutely nothing in life to be proud of. Please don't say things like “oh, you have a beautiful child, that's an accomplishment” NO! To me, that is not an accomplishment, not in the sligthtest. No offense to anybody on here, but any loser without fertility issues can get knocked up. I have no real career and it makes me feel utterly ashamed of myself. I have a useless degree in media studies (it's extremely difficult to get jobs in that industry without connections, I've lost all interest in it anyway, so it doesn't matter anymore).
So for the past nine years, I've been working mainly admin/customer service jobs and have attempted to start two different businesses, both failed. Right now, I'm an admin assistant at a dental clinic. Yes, I know it's honest work that pays my bills, but I feel like I've wasted my life and all of my potential. I feel like I'm rotting away from boredom at that desk. Everyday all I do at work is type letters, photocopy, clean the office, file, and bring envelopes to the post office.
I have one child, a daughter aged 2. I feel like I can't give her a good, fulfilling life. Yes, I can support her financially (healthy food, clean clothes, toys, and fun days out), but it's not enough. When she grows up there's no way she's going to be proud of me because I'm such an average-Joe, there's absolutely nothing special or admirable about me. I'm unattractive and don't look good no matter what I wear. No, a makeover won't help because my actual face is the problem. I'm naturally slim, so it's not like I need to lose weight to look better, I just don't look good.
I know it's sounds stupid, but I was bored in a grocery store a few months back and picked up a gossip magazine. Inside, there was some article about celebrity mothers and their lookalike daughters (Kate moss, Catherina Zeta Jones, Vanessa Paradis, Cindy Crawford, and a few others I can't member). All the daughters (who have had modelling and acting careers handed to them) were pictured next to their mothers, looking so proud to be seen with their gorgeous, rich, and talented mothers. I know it's bad to compare yourself to others and that everybody has their own problems, but compared to these women I AM NOTHING. When my daughter grows up, there's no way she's going to be proud of the fact her mother is a low-earning, unattractive and dowdy woman. She'll also probably resent me because I have no influential connections to help her out in whatever career she choses. She's going to have to go through the same boring bullshit I went through.
I genuinely regret having her because I've been reading Reddit's anti-natalism forum. If you don't know what it is, basically it's the belief that having children is wrong and that you're just committing them to a life of work, struggle and suffering. I've had depression and low-self esteem since my mid-teens, so having a baby was selfish as hell. I really wish I could go back. I don't have a strong sense of love for her. I take care of her and accept responsibility, but I don't get excited to watch her grow or anything.
My pregnancy was unplanned and I honestly don't know what possessed me to keep the baby. I've never wanted children because (1) Just not interested (2) I don't think life is a gift, it's more of a long, depressing, stressful curse (3) I don't have money, a good personality or good looks, so my child will inheriate nothing good from me.
The child's father, my boyfriend of six years, talked me into continuing the pregnancy. I wish I hadn't of listened to him. He kept saying that having a family would be nice, and that this is probably my only chance to have a baby because I was in my late 20s at the time and that if I aborted I'd regret it later when I'm old and childless. He said I'd grow to love the child, and that we could all live together in the suburbs (in the will, he inheriated a house from his dead uncle last year) I was very conflicted and deep down feared that everything he said was true, that'd I'd regret an abortion, so like a fool, I let my emotions blind me, and now I've come to realize I've destroyed my life.
I'm bored out of my mind and live in a state of constant apathy. I can't stand living in the suburbs(it's depressing, all my neighbours are elderly expect for a family with out of control kids who go around screeching and vandalizing all day); I feel so trapped. I told my boyfriend that I want to move somewhere else, but he just gets annoyed and talks about how good we have it (no mortgage, no rent) and that if we were to move somewhere else we'd waste all out money on rent. I suggested selling the house, and he roared at me and sulked for almost two weeks, he called me a selfish bitch.
I don't feel comfortable living in his house because it is HIS house. We're not married, so I have no real say in anything. I could be kicked out at any moment. We had an awful argument two weeks after the baby was born. He insisted that I go with him to the funeral of his uncle (not the one who gave him the house). I refused and said I didn't feel comfortable going to the funeral of somebody I'd never even met. He kept dismissing me, and kept saying things like, “oh, you're going” and “you'll be going, alright.” I honestly can't stand him sometimes. He talks to me in such a condescending tone, like teacher dealing with a bold student. At this time, I was still recovering from my c-section had my lower abdomen was very stiff, sore, and achy. I was still struggling to stand straight. I explained that I didn't want to drive to the opposite side of the country, and that surely he could understand why.
I think I'll stop talking now. I know it's long, sorry. Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing. Any advice is welcome.