I have nothing to offer my child and it makes me feel like a disgusting loser.

[LauraHilcliff]

I've been lurking around these forums for a while now, but this is the first time I've ever posted. I have nobody to talk to in real life and feel like I'm about to explode.

I'm 31 and my life is a mess. I have done absolutely nothing in life to be proud of. Please don't say things like “oh, you have a beautiful child, that's an accomplishment” NO! To me, that is not an accomplishment, not in the sligthtest. No offense to anybody on here, but any loser without fertility issues can get knocked up. I have no real career and it makes me feel utterly ashamed of myself. I have a useless degree in media studies (it's extremely difficult to get jobs in that industry without connections, I've lost all interest in it anyway, so it doesn't matter anymore).

So for the past nine years, I've been working mainly admin/customer service jobs and have attempted to start two different businesses, both failed. Right now, I'm an admin assistant at a dental clinic. Yes, I know it's honest work that pays my bills, but I feel like I've wasted my life and all of my potential. I feel like I'm rotting away from boredom at that desk. Everyday all I do at work is type letters, photocopy, clean the office, file, and bring envelopes to the post office.

I have one child, a daughter aged 2. I feel like I can't give her a good, fulfilling life. Yes, I can support her financially (healthy food, clean clothes, toys, and fun days out), but it's not enough. When she grows up there's no way she's going to be proud of me because I'm such an average-Joe, there's absolutely nothing special or admirable about me. I'm unattractive and don't look good no matter what I wear. No, a makeover won't help because my actual face is the problem. I'm naturally slim, so it's not like I need to lose weight to look better, I just don't look good.

I know it's sounds stupid, but I was bored in a grocery store a few months back and picked up a gossip magazine. Inside, there was some article about celebrity mothers and their lookalike daughters (Kate moss, Catherina Zeta Jones, Vanessa Paradis, Cindy Crawford, and a few others I can't member). All the daughters (who have had modelling and acting careers handed to them) were pictured next to their mothers, looking so proud to be seen with their gorgeous, rich, and talented mothers. I know it's bad to compare yourself to others and that everybody has their own problems, but compared to these women I AM NOTHING. When my daughter grows up, there's no way she's going to be proud of the fact her mother is a low-earning, unattractive and dowdy woman. She'll also probably resent me because I have no influential connections to help her out in whatever career she choses. She's going to have to go through the same boring bullshit I went through.

I genuinely regret having her because I've been reading Reddit's anti-natalism forum. If you don't know what it is, basically it's the belief that having children is wrong and that you're just committing them to a life of work, struggle and suffering. I've had depression and low-self esteem since my mid-teens, so having a baby was selfish as hell. I really wish I could go back. I don't have a strong sense of love for her. I take care of her and accept responsibility, but I don't get excited to watch her grow or anything.

My pregnancy was unplanned and I honestly don't know what possessed me to keep the baby. I've never wanted children because (1) Just not interested (2) I don't think life is a gift, it's more of a long, depressing, stressful curse (3) I don't have money, a good personality or good looks, so my child will inheriate nothing good from me.

The child's father, my boyfriend of six years, talked me into continuing the pregnancy. I wish I hadn't of listened to him. He kept saying that having a family would be nice, and that this is probably my only chance to have a baby because I was in my late 20s at the time and that if I aborted I'd regret it later when I'm old and childless. He said I'd grow to love the child, and that we could all live together in the suburbs (in the will, he inheriated a house from his dead uncle last year) I was very conflicted and deep down feared that everything he said was true, that'd I'd regret an abortion, so like a fool, I let my emotions blind me, and now I've come to realize I've destroyed my life.

I'm bored out of my mind and live in a state of constant apathy. I can't stand living in the suburbs(it's depressing, all my neighbours are elderly expect for a family with out of control kids who go around screeching and vandalizing all day); I feel so trapped. I told my boyfriend that I want to move somewhere else, but he just gets annoyed and talks about how good we have it (no mortgage, no rent) and that if we were to move somewhere else we'd waste all out money on rent. I suggested selling the house, and he roared at me and sulked for almost two weeks, he called me a selfish bitch.

I don't feel comfortable living in his house because it is HIS house. We're not married, so I have no real say in anything. I could be kicked out at any moment. We had an awful argument two weeks after the baby was born. He insisted that I go with him to the funeral of his uncle (not the one who gave him the house). I refused and said I didn't feel comfortable going to the funeral of somebody I'd never even met. He kept dismissing me, and kept saying things like, “oh, you're going” and “you'll be going, alright.” I honestly can't stand him sometimes. He talks to me in such a condescending tone, like teacher dealing with a bold student. At this time, I was still recovering from my c-section had my lower abdomen was very stiff, sore, and achy. I was still struggling to stand straight. I explained that I didn't want to drive to the opposite side of the country, and that surely he could understand why.

I think I'll stop talking now. I know it's long, sorry. Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing. Any advice is welcome.

It sounds like you’re main issue is living with an abusive arsehole who treats you like shit. That will be having a huge impact on your mental health and self-esteem. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if you found yourself much happier if you left him.

And remember - your daughter doesn’t give a shiny shit if you’re successful or beautiful or rich. All she needs from you is to be cared for and loved.

When she grows up there's no way she's going to be proud of me because I'm such an average-Joe

Virtually all of us are average joes. Most people work in average jobs. I also have no career but I'm not ashamed. My late mum had no career but I'm not ashamed of her. The world is full of kids who's parents have boring, mundane jobs.. there's plenty of other things which define us.

Fwiw, I love your style of writing, you are quite witty and sarcy...I nearly spat my coffee out when I read this No offense to anybody on here, but any loser without fertility issues can get knocked up

So this aquement happend 2 years ago? I think yu need to think of what you want to change and will you change it. What job do you want to do? can you access any courses to help you get their. Do you have any hobies which you can occuby yourself with. (This really helps my husband )
I do think you need to discuss your relationship and think where your going.

@Terracottasaur Thanks for the reply. I take care of my daughter, but I really don't feel like it's enough. The threads I read on Reddit really got to me. A lot of those people were saying that they wished they'd never been born, that their parents didn't give them good lives, that they hated the fact they had to work at boring jobs they hate when they didn't even ask to be born.

I just feel so guilty. And yeah, I would like to leave my boyfriend, but it's not possible at the moment. I've had a gambling problem since my early 20s. I stopped gambling around 26/27, but started again when I got pregnant due to financial stress, and have blown through most of my savings. If I leave, I won't be able to afford rent. I've relapsed a few times over the past year and have lost a lot of money. I don't go to therapy or anything, but I'm on a gambling addict forum.

This is such a sad post.

I promise you that your dd will love you so much if you let her.

As someone else has said. Most people are average joes and that’s fine!

Try and spend much less time reading on the internet. It can give you a skewed view of reality.

Theres a lot of issues to go through but one point about your daughter resenting you - my mother is an average joe, working class woman, worked as a cleaner, in a shop etc and in all honesty i love her to bits, because she always made me feels special, told me she loved me and i was beautiful inside and out. I think you need to work on your self esteem and stop going on Reddit.

Also you can change your life and be happy, put a plan in place and take it one step at a time

My mother worked in a similar role as you and I think she is the most wonderful woman in the world. Trust me, its about feeling loved, safe and cared for that makes your daughter proud of you as a mother not a fancy job title.
Continue to seek support for the gambling, there are free services out there, its good to hear you've already accessed a forum, that takes strength to acknowledge that you need help and you should be proud of yourself. Dont try to do too much at once, work on one thing at a time.

ALL of us are average Joes compared to those women you mention! My mother is a swimming teacher for her local council. Low paid work and she has no influential connections. I dont resent her for it. I dont think you're daughter will resent you at all. It sounds like you're doung what you can for her, and tbh that all sounds lovely

Don't read threads on Reddit if it makes you feel like that! I love my mother and father very much and I loved my grandparents very dearly. What job they had or what they looked like was completely irrelevant to this! Do you think that only Hollywood film stars deserve love because they are good-looking, how silly! We all deserve to be loved by our nearest and dearest. If you don't get on with your partner and this can't be resolved you need to leave and make a life of your own but don't mix this up with the love you have for your child and the love that she will bear you if you let her.

I wonder if deep down what you realise is that the gambling has the potential to really blight your dds life. You are doing really well avoiding it.

My mum brought me and my brother up on her own. She worked hard for us in minimum wage jobs. I'm so so proud of her she is my rock and she is a wonderful wonderful woman. Please don't think for one moment that your child won't be proud of youxxx

That's really quite distressing to read.

Has the gambling always been a response to stress / distress?

I'm inclined to agree with the comments about your boyfriend being abusive. If you're spending time online, the Freedom Programme course might be a better shout than Reddit.

You don't need a plan to leave next week, just working towards getting yourself into a position where it is achievable is a good enough goal in the circumstances.

I don't know what the marriage laws are like in the UK, but elsewhere being defacto gives you the same rights as being married. It is possible that by leaving him you could force the sale of the house and get half of it. This would give you a tidy deposit to get a house or apartment where YOU want to live. You would also be entitled to child support as well.

BTW my mother did not finish her degree until I was about 12 - there's no reason why you can't start a new degree later in life, if you figure out what you'd really love to do that would make you happy.

Having a steady job that pays enough for you to live on is fantastic. The admin tasks you do are not very intellectually stimulating but they are important and vital to the business you are working for. If your job didn’t serve a purpose it wouldn’t exist. You don’t ever need to feel guilty about having a boring job.
The gambling is a big problem. It’s going to make you feel worse about everything. Earning money is pointless if you then lose it by gambling. Could you set up some ways of dividing up your pay automatically as soon as it hits your account so that you literally can’t gamble it away? So pay bills/allocate money for food shop/childcare or whatever then put a chunk in savings. In your position I would set up a savings account in my child’s name so that I couldn’t access that money at all and immediately would know I was doing something positive for her. It’s another way of showing your love for her. It doesn’t need to be a huge chunk of money each month, even 30-50£ a month (less than 2£ per day) would add up to a really significant amount by the time she’s 18 or 21 and needing to pay for university/driving lessons/first car. Then I would set up some kind of savings/investment account for myself that I couldn’t immediately take money out of. Even an account that takes 2-3 days to withdraw money might be enough. And that would be my investment property deposit fund. I would also feel uncomfortable living in a house I had no claim over, especially if my relationship was rocky. So I’d start saving to but an investment property just for me. And if/when you choose leave your bf you would have this money ready for accommodation costs.
You need to really limit your access to easily available money that you can waste gambling. Pay all your bills as soon as you are paid each money, set up direct debits to savings accounts, consider taking out your contribution to the weekly or monthly food costs in cash (assuming you gamble online). That way when you do crack and waste your disposal income on gambling you’ve spent less because a big chunk has already been directed to your future and your daughter’s future.
Lastly, you do sound quite depressed. You don’t have to put up with feeling that way. If you haven’t tried antidepressants and talk therapy then it’s an option you might want to look into. But you could also have a think about what activities make you happy and try to spend some time regularly doing those those things. Covid sucks but lots of things are still somewhat doable. Like, if you find swimming relaxing then maybe walks in the park/woods would also be enjoyable. Or if you like to go to the cinema maybe you could start doing a Friday night film at home with your bf or a children’s film on a Sunday afternoon with your daughter. With popcorn. Or malteasers. Or malteasers mixed with popcorn (my favorite).

OP you are your daughters world. Honestly. You might not think so but you are. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I can understand it. Please get some further help for your depression if you can? It's so difficult. I wish I had more advice for you

Aunty Jack if it,s not her house and she is not married and not paying towards mortgage that is unlikely.

GA for a start. Get that sorted...then, plan. She's young enough for you to start again somewhere else, new town, new job, new home.

You have lots to give her. Stop reading Reddit. All bullshit anyway

I've written here in some low moments so I hope you get some good advice. My two pence is below -
Get off that Reddit board it sounds like pure poison. People on there are entitled to their opinion but I personally don't agree with what it sounds like they're saying. You can choose what you consume this is doing you no good don't keep reading it get it out of your head. Life can and often is a pain in the arse (I'm a divorced single parent to a delayed child so I know this) but it's worth living and treasuring.

I work in children's social care and you say looking after your daughter isn't remarkable but it truly is. There are a frightening number of parents who do an utterly shite job, but sounds like you do a great job and you don't even think it's a big deal that's an achievement.
Being brave enough to start businesses is an achievement if they fail you have gained experience and have learned from it.

I don't think all those famous people's children are all that glad to be the child of a celebrity. A quick you tube search shows the likes of Mrs Paltrow and all sorts of celebs talking about how their children find them mortifying. They probably resent being in their parents shadow. I'm personally glad my mum is fairly ordinary (but I see how amazing she is).
Start researching help for the gambling it's a hard thing to solve on your own.
There are lots of ways to leave your mark and make a difference outside of media and fame.
Hope you feel better soon honestly you're doing a lot better than you think you are.

Dump the useless man.
Move out of the suburbs if you can.
Get off Reddit.
Don't buy gossip magazines.
See your job as a stop gap, and meanwhile try to find your passion.
Find ways to enjoy parenting.

But really just dumping the useless man will probably help an awful lot!

You are something, you are the only mum your little one will ever have and you are precious. Be realistic, step by step start by sorting out your gambling. Put the money into savings instead, focus on gaining your independence. Forget celebrity rubbish. Lots of smoke and mirrors there and plenty of that ilk end up with hideous problems. You can't buy contentment. What are the good parts of your relationship with your boyfriend? Do you have help with child care? Are there other young mothers in your community? Could you us your organizational skills to set up a play group? Go to a night class for more qualifications? You have so much to offer.

Sounds like you give your DD what I give my DS - clean clothes, warmth, days out, etc, all coming from a mum with an office job, slim-ish but not that pretty, and with a MH history.

But...I think what I give DS fucking rocks and I bet he’ll be proud of me!

I suspect the difference is current mental health - your description of apathy and not feeling close love for your DD sounds like depression, and it sounds like you’re already aware of the big MH aspect to gambling addiction. Can you seek help, talk to your GP? I’ve had CBT through the GP twice and it was helpful.

What’s you relationship with your mother like?

You sound depressed - you should speak to your gp.

You should also make time for yourself and invest in yourself to increase your perceived self worth - you should make this the year of self love and start being kinder to yourself! Loving yourself will be the greatest gift you can give your daughter as it’s such a great model!

Remove the weight of other people opinions and expectations! Be the mother you want to be.

Find something you enjoy and do that.

For me happiness is the gap between expectations and reality - your gap is too big.

Be kind to yourself- I read you have the most conversations with yourself - so let them be kind!!!

Yes - step away from Reddit. There are far too many things online that allow people to wallow in misery and get some sort of odd 'kick' from having it confirmed that they are worthless/their decisions are bad etc, but please try to find more positive places to be.

Get rid of the man, get rid of the 'celeb' comparisons. I long ago realised that I would never do anything noteworthy or change the world - and you know what? That was actually really liberating and positive.

I do hope you find a way to be happy and value yourself.

@june2007 that would mean anyone who divides things by one person paying the bills and groceries and the other paying the mortgage would have no claim on the house? Even though they are contributing to running the household? Or any SAHP are left destitute if they want to leave their partners? Are divorces really settled by looking at who earns more or who is the one that transfers money to the mortgage?