How much outside help do you get? Are my parents mean?

[Minkus]

DH and I both work, he full time outside the home me 4 days per week outside the home. I am main breadwinner and went back to work full time when DS was 9 months, dropped this to 34 hrs over 4 days though and he is now 2.10.

Our respective mums each occasionally babysit, say once each per month but nothing regular.

Whereas they help our sisters out a lot. My mum via baby sitting more frequently/ childcare in school holidays for lovely sis's/BIL's two, (mum and sis both work full time, mum only in term time though) and DH's mum by providing a lot of support to DH's sister and her husband and their two- childcare if SIL wants to go for haircut, picking eldest up from school occasionally, doing housework if SIL is feeling a bit low etc etc etc (SIL is SAHM).

I am ashamed to say it but I feel jealous. Nobody helps us. I don't even think its the fact that we don't get help, just that nobody seems to think we might find it hard work too sometimes, being a family, or ever says "gosh aren't you doing well managing it all on your own without breaking". (I don't really expect an award for coping with the lifestyle we have chosen, just a bit of recognition that there isn't a comparison to make, we don't "have it easy" and the others don't "have a hard time" as they're hardwork in their own ways.)

I'm starting to find it really difficult to be around my mum or MIL because MIL especially is always on about how hard SIL is finding it, being a mum and all. And my mum rarely offers words of encouragement even when she knows I'm struggling a bit. In fact mum lives 6 miles away and when ds was born, visited us in hospital and next contact was after a week. I always thought we were close.

Am I being petty? Something tells me I am but it's hard to ignore how I feel.

It's a tricky one - my PIL help my DP brother alot - decorating their house, babysitting at weekends,and sometimes we are annoyed that we don't get more help - It does annoy me that we have only been out twice as a couple this year whereas they go on benders every other weekend but mostly we take pride that we can do it ourselves!

And in someways I think they respect us for it more.

If we wanted more help I'm sure if we asked they would.

It's when I'm ill that I really really wish my parents were near or my MIL was more useful....there are no sick days for mums unfortunately and I hate the fact that unless I were really very very ill (and dh could stay home from work) I just have to struggle on.

I get no help at all, although one of the few advantages of having a child in full time childcare due to 2 x FT WOTH parents is that if one of us is ill, we can have a day off at home as dd still goes to nursery. The fallback of this though is that if dd is ill one of us has to take a day off work at very short notice which can be difficult due to workloads (we do have fairly understanding employers which is great)

It would be lovely to be able to go out as a couple more, but both families live 100+ miles away. We occasionally go out if we are visiting family or they are visiting us, but when the extended family is together we also want to spend time with our parents as we don't see them all that often.

For our works Christmas do we are paying someine to babysit dd while we are out - first time we have done this and she is 3.4

we've got no help at all, its the bane of our lives

I get very jealous when I see my kids friends going to grannies/cousins/etc

we've never had a night without the kids in 9 years!

would love some family help but its not there

minkus, not your not being petty, I feel for you and I know exactly what you are talking about

We get no family help either. I've only got my Mum, who lives a distance away and can't drive. I've got a sister who is always too busy and her calendar is solidly booked up for the next year and my brother doesn't have kids and tbh acts like one himself! I have mates who would help me out but I don't like to ask because they've got kids themselves. The last time my dh and I went out was just under 9yrs ago - half way through our meal in a pub I get a phone call to say our eldest dd had been sick so that was us back home again within minutes. We've not been out since. Its just not worth us organising anything and over the years I've learnt to cope on my own (with dh's help) but the worst time of the year is summer holidays - how I dread them - all 7 weeks of them this year - it was hard work especially as I had to drag the kids to work with me.

malo, are you really insanely jealous with people with hekp coming out their ears?

I find I've become like that and I don't like feeling this way

I also am the only one here to help my old mum, sibling no use whatsoever, and I find between the kids and my mum their is no "me" left

I know if I had help I would have time or at least the chance to find a bit of myself again

that meant jealous of people with help, I'm asking cos I am insanely jealous and sometimes it eats away at me

if you aren't another perspective would be appreciated!

bump

ssd - Hi!

Am I insanely jealous of people with lots of help available?

TBH yes I do get jealous....especially during the Summer holidays because I do not get a break at all and I find the holidays a real hard struggle...yet I hear friends of mine moan because they don't get a break and yet they often have their parents or their in-laws helping out.

I don't have any help other than what dh can provide which isn't a lot because he works such long hours.

Like I've mentioned before my Mum is on her own now (Dad died a couple of years ago) - she's not what I would call a hands-on Gran. She loves my kids but she has never offered to have them for me. If I ask for help she will have them but I tend not to ask her unless I'm desperate (ie an appt etc). Besides which she doesn't drive and lives a distance away.

I don't have in-laws - they chose not to have anything to do with us a long time ago, including our kids - their choice, not mine. I have a sister but she is always booked up for months ahead and I have a brother but he lives too far away. Yes I have mates but again I don't like to ask because they have their own kids etc.

So that leaves me - yes my kids can push my patience to the limit sometimes and yes I have to drag them to work with me sometimes or re-juggle my hours just so I can be with them during holidays/training days/sickness etc - and yes it is bloody hard work being a Mum and if I had the help there I would take it but I never have and I guess its a way of life for me now.

don't know what I'm expecting you to write!

me and dh just never get a break at all from the kids, never ever and with 2 energetic boys who hate sleep its just so hard going. also my house is really small and we're all sort of crammed in here all the time. I've got no family to visit except my old mum(80) and my siblings completely leave me to it. I have an older sister who has no time for kids, us or old mum, she has grown up kids and feels its more important for her to go on holiday again than to visit mum and sh'e got no interest in my kids. Everything I do she laughs at or worse has zero interest in.

I'd just love family nearby who care about us and I'm jealous of people who have that, I know its daft and unrealistic I can't help it.

don't answer if its too complicated, I understand.

none.

we live near no family.

we used to live near the ILs, but they both have very poor health.

wrote last post before I senn your answer, you're right it is a way of life now.

I just can't help thinking the difference some help/family who care would make

daft to torture myself all the time, wish I could get over it

reading this I realise I really resent my sister, shes so not like a sister to me at all, yet she thinks she knows everything about everything

shes very cold

ssd: I know how you feel, honestly.

I know we came to blows a bit about the ironing thread.....(sorry)xxxx

Anyway. I know how you feel. I'm always telling my dh 'I NEED A BREAK, PLEASE!'

I have no one who can give me that break. Yes I get envious of friends who get that break with the help of their families. Yes I feel hard done by not having that help. I get jealous of friends whose dh's are home at a decent hour and not like mine who is out the door for 12-14hrs per day and comes home too tired to do much with the kids although he does try to do his bit, bless him.

There are times I just have to walk away and take five minutes out on my own - whether it be to go and sit in the garden or shut myself in the loo - just somewhere away from the kids.

Today for example all they have done is argue, bicker and simply not get on. All dd(4) has done today is scream and cry and went to bed without her tea (she wouldn't eat it) and yes it has driven me completely barmy but I just say to myself 'hey, I chose to be a Mum, yes life can be crap and yes I'm tired and fed up, but what else can I do but put up with it and get on?'....

There's no point me even going to my Mum and saying 'help me' because she won't. She didn't get any help from her parents so she doesn't see that I need any help too. Weird how it can carry on a generation...whereas when my kids have children they'll have all the help they'll need from me - if they want it. xx

We get lots of help from my parents. My sister and her dh also had lots of help but my bil has caused a huge rift and now none of us see them or their kids, their choice.

I can't begin to describe how much my parents do for us, but they deserve a bloody medal. They do it unconditionally and never complain. They bring us shopping, babysit, diy around the house! They have paid off loans for us, and they're certainly not loaded. I worry constantly that they do too much, but I have never expected them to help us.

sisters....yes, they do think they know it all don't they?

ssd: is yours older than you?

Mine is. Unless I agree with her she'll not be happy and I won't hear from her for a few weeks after a disagreement. Initially yes this would upset me - now it goes over my head.

Considering the fact she is my kids aunt it'd be nice if she did step in and offer to have them....I've had my kids for 9yrs and she's not offered once.

She has one child - a teenager, she is very wealthy and works full-time. She has a very busy social life and two holidays abroad each year.

I am skint, two kids under my feet 24/7 (apart from school), no social life and no holidays.....

I agree with WWW in that I don't think this is as much about the parents helping as that it's about how they help another sibling more.

I'm not jealous of people with help because I knew we wouldn't have any if we decided to have kids - my parents live thousands of miles away and DH's parents have had poor health for years.

So I guess because we knew this going into it our perspective is different.

Lazarou...you are so lucky.

I am lucky, I know that. I don't know anyone else who gets the help that I get. ONe of my friends is a single mum and she does everything herself. Her parents are loaded but they never offer a penny to her or her sisters and brother, even though one of them might be going bankrupt, and they all have children.

ONe thing I have to say is no matter how unfairly you think you get treated by and compared to your siblings, do not allow it cause a rift between you. Not speaking to your family is worse than feeling pissed off with them or having an argument.

We have no help at all when working for childcare.
I have to start work at 5am just so that dh can look after ds while I am working, I will meet dh outside his office to collect ds at 9am.
This works for us. I have a hospital appt next week and my friend is watching ds for couple of hours, but my family don't really pitch in.

lazarou - I try not to let it cause a rift between my family but its very hard not to.

Families are such funny things, you would think that most people would have that desire to help all their children out unconditionally, but not everyone thinks like this. Dhs dad is not any help at all, he doesnt even ring up to see how his grandchildren are.
I think the problem is that people can't see the knock-on effect their behaviour has on the people around them. Nobody is to blame, it's just the way things work out sometimes.
I really think it's true that it's not about the things that happen to you in life, but the way you handle them.

lazarou - you are right.

My dh's parents have not seen us or the kids for over 2yrs - we've never got on with them and I've never forgiven dh's mother for letting me down on our wedding day by getting drunk at the reception - it may sound funny but it was extremely embarrassing. They've done and said a lot of harmful things over the years and they chose to cut their ties with us/and us with them a long time ago. It was the best decision we ever made - they were causing a major rift between my dh and me (he would naturally defend his parents) and it was upsetting the kids when we argued so for the sake of our kids we called it a day.

Not ideal but my kids are too important to me to let them suffer due to the stupidity of his parents.

Well, mil died three years ago and fil has found a new girlfriend (on the internet) and is going to marry her. It sounds like an Eastenders storyline but it's true. Trouble is he is not good at communicating and he has managed to alienate us. The fact is that we know nothing about this woman and considering he is going to marry her you would think he would tell his son a little bit about her.
Me and dh have had loads of very big arguments about his dad, and like your dh, he would leap to his defence. I don't argue about him any more though because his plans will not change no matter how pissed off we are.MALO, does your dh miss his parents? I know my dh is pretty upset about the whole thing, but he doesn't let on, typical man.